Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[J5K]

old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704478&page=11

Here is my last post from the previous thread:


OK, need some advice from vets and anyone else.

I went and picked up docs from the deposition from my L.
Had a brief discussion again with my L and she thinks this will not go to trial as it not only looks bad on the parents, it also looks bad on the Ls, and Ls do not want to lose trials.

My L also said she spoke to STBXs L who now sees things differently about the sitch. STBX's L now realized that my L and I are not bad people. STBX's L also said she needs to have a come to Jesus meeting on the reality of STBX's options.

So here are the options the way I see it:

STBX will stay in Toronto and most likely have to work and pay me child support and only see her boys once every couple of months or at most once a month. Live in the house in Canada by herself or not live in it at all.

STBX will have to spend the next 15 years co-parenting here with me and have the boys about 8% of the time more than me.

STBX will want to reconcile, which is a long shot!

STBX's L said that STBX left and went back to Toronto very upset.

How do I handle things if STBX comes back and wants to work on the M again?

[SH_]

JK,

Can you clarify.
When you say options as you see it...
What do you mean?

Is this a list that you made up?
Or something she said?
L's provided this?

I gotta say, this list concerns me all around.......
Can't put my finger on it, but if you would clarify, maybe I can.....

[J5K]

SH

This is a list based off of what I know and have learned from events this week.

We received the psych eval back and went through depositions and these are the possible options that I see happening.

[sandi2]

How do I handle things if STBX comes back and wants to work on the M again?

Bottom line, this ^^^^^^^^ is what you want to know, right?

I don't know that I can give an unbiased answer. If she was humble about it and take responsibility what she has done to you and the kids........and was serious about family therapy, IDK, I'd still have doubts. B/c I don't think she would be returning to you and the MR. The only reason she would return is so that she won't have to work and can stay with the boys........until the youngest gets older.

Outside of a miracle changing her heart, I would be leery that she would make your life hell (hotter than ever) once she moved back. She doesn't like losing. Her feelings for you have not changed, and she is still a wayward woman.

If the two of you, and then with the kids, received intense family therapy.............before moving in together...........and you have a chance to see if your W is even trying to change.........then maybe you would be in a better place to decide.

IMHO, you should not allow her to move back into your house if you are divorce. She can find a place to live there, and get a job to support herself. I mean, she might try to be nice for a few days, but I think she would be horrible to you. However, this is your life and your decision.

BTW, I hope she's been told she could not remain a SAHM and you support her?

Jim, what do you really want? Never mind, I know the answer. Let me ask which option do you want, if you knew WW's attitude would not change? Do you want to stay under the same roof with her?

[Ginger1]

Jim, there is a difference between coming back, and coming back and working on the M again.

Do you think she would just be coming back so she could be with her kids and not have to work, or would she really want to truly work on the M?

Her coming home because she is backed into a corner does not constitute working on your M.

I have the same worries the others do.

[Mach1]

J...

First off, I agree with Sandi...

Secondly, Try not to pre-decide how you will feel or do something before it presents itself in reality...

What you are hearing, and reading, is only a path to the decision that will ultimately be made...

Chances are, what will eventually happen, will fall somewhere in between a couple of those things....

Or maybe none of them...

So don't decide, until it is time to decide...

You have to find your answer in this...

What YOU want, and how you will handle it.

For her ?

This is going to be a very emotional time for her, reaping what she has sewn, actually having to "own" her decisions....

Keep your focus on what is best for the kids, and try not to buy into anything that sounds out of the ordinary.

And read Sandi and Ginger's posts about a hundred times....

[J5K]

Mach, Sandi, Ginger,

Thank you for the responses.

Mach,

Agree, will not pre-decide before it presents itself.
Agree she will have to put her big girl pants on now. Ball is in her court.

Sandi,

LOL! You know me too well...yes, I want my M back and clearly understand it will be different. It has to be for both of us, that is the reality.

I will have certain needs that need to be met though and if we cannot agree then it is not worth the move there.

I did find a Gottman certified MC in Toronto and will request that she agree to go to MC prior to the move.

I will not split the boys up. If we move, we move into the new house together. I have no issue going there so she can have visits with the boys and she and I start to date and rebuild the R.

Transparency will be required also, no lying from either of us.

Not sure what her L will tell her but even if we did move up there and D'd there later, I know for a fact she has no plan (budget) on how she will survive.

My L asked her during the dep what her budget was if she were to receive custody and she had no idea. She stated her parents were going to gift the house and she was going to buy a car with the money she received from the D but had no idea how much money she would get.

She had no documentation on restrictions to work either. All of this is in her head.

When I was in court on Wednesday, I saw 4 cases go in front of the judge and there were 3 cases where the mom's stated they were SAHMs and had no job. Judge had no sympathy for them and told each one of them to get a job, not for the sake of getting a job but for the sake of the children to live and sustain the lifestyle they know.

Ginger,

As Mach stated, I don't know and can't predict. If she does want to discuss, the only way I will be able to know is by the tone of her voice and looking at her face to face to see if she is truly remorseful. Is there a risk, absolutely!

My DB coach said that if I let fear control my actions though, I will not be able to have a healthy R with STBX so from that POV, I will have to take a chance also. I took that chance once when I first met STBX, no reason I cannot take it again. Letting go of the fear creates courage.

I will have to take some advice I posted on another thread.
I am confident I can control my emotions now. I need to go into this like I am partnering up for running a business, no expectation on emotional connection, that will have to come at a later time. STBX and I will have to come to an agreement. An agreement means that I will hold myself accountable for abiding by the agreement and STBX will hold herself accountable. Only then will there be an opportunity to move forward in a positive direction.

I cannot control the reason why she would want to come back and do realize that one or both of us may slip, but I cannot let that stop me from continuing to work on myself and take care of the boys.

[Rose888]

Jim, considering trying to make the M work is one thing, but as soon as you talk about moving to Toronto, I have to ask . . . Have you lost your mind?!

(And I mean that as nicely as possible.)

Nothing against Toronto, but hasn't it been established that the court system there is biased toward SAHMs? Why would risk custody?

[SH_]

JK,

My friend...I am sorry but either I am completely misunderstanding what you say here or I am starting to believe that as Rose states very nicely that you may have lost your mind........

The thought that comes to mind is,
Fool me once shame on you....
Fool me twice, shame on me...
Fool me thrice......wtf?!?!?!?

Jim, I really hope I am misreading all of this because I see you say you agree with Mach,sandi, and ginger, yet you are researching how to move to Toronto?????

SMH

[J5K]

Rose, SH,

I don't see it as risking custody. As it stands I would have them 8% less if STBX decides to co-parent here.

If she decides to stay in TO and continues to resent me then I am sure I would have something like 90% custody.

If she says she wants to reconcile, she and I have a lot of work to do to ensure there is trust. I do not want to guess or speculate anymore, so will heed Mach's advice and address the issue when it is presented to me.

At this point I have no expectations on what the outcome will be. We have mediation on the 27th. If we cannot agree on things after mediation, I guess we go to trial.