Hi all, I think I'll split my time between here and Newcomers. I am officially piecing and we are doing pretty well. But there are still many questions I have.
My biggest task right now is to remember to be gentle and not fly off the handle when ow intrudes. She's not actually reaching out, but ow and W have meetings together (with several other people as well) and ow tries to sit with W and engage her that way. We all work at the same place. W says she doesn't take the bait, but I wonder...
Any day now there will be an announcement that ow will get the promotion to head all of Human Resources here. Makes me ill, but I have to just let it go. Easier said than done.
And then there's trust. Once we've been fooled, it's just so hard to trust our instincts again. I was completely hit out of the blue with EA bomb drop last November. So how do I know if she's telling the truth now?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
It's nice to see some activity over here on Piecing!
I don't have any great advice in the trust issue. It has to be hard, working with OW.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Awesome that you're posting here! keep on keeping on. Staying vigilant will be the hardest thing (yes, harder than DBing) but you'll do it together and thats what counts!
And then there's trust. Once we've been fooled, it's just so hard to trust our instincts again. I was completely hit out of the blue with EA bomb drop last November. So how do I know if she's telling the truth now?
You don't. And it is not your instinct that you don't trust, its your W.
Your instinct is fine...its your mind that is pushing hard on those instincts to be OVERLY vigilant.
I told my wife, that I would snoop, I would wonder, that she needed to understand this and be ok with that if we were going to move forward. That in time with her actions her assurance I would stop snooping and looking over time, it would become less and less until I trusted her again and I would eventually. That not telling me something because she thought I would get mad, I would see as a lie if I found out.
Trust but Verify.
No passwords, for either of us, she could look at my phone at any time just like I could look at hers. Transparency.
WE both KNEW that trust had to be rebuilt and she was willing to put herself out there in order for that to happen.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Oh and I couldn't get mad at her for the former OM trying to get in touch with her. She had no control over him attempting to reach out to her. Or the things he said to her. I could get mad if she reached back...but she didn't.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's nice to see some activity over here on Piecing!
I don't have any great advice in the trust issue. It has to be hard, working with OW.
It is, and she just got named to a top position here. See my post on Newcomers. I'm not surprised, but it still bites.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Jack, I've pretty much said that to W. We do have access to each others' phones. But of course there's the work phone. I trust W more than I trust ow. She's evil.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Does anyone else out there work with the ow? I already saw her once today in my building -- she works in another building but is here a lot. It always just sets me back. W and i spent some time the other night when we couldn't sleep talking about all the things about ow that are negative. She's a real piece of work. It helped me I think? But I didn't like all the headspace she was getting with W. She's everywhere. Help?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I am so sorry. That has to. . . well, it would be censored if I said it.
Is there any chance of you and W getting jobs somewhere else, or is there tenure involved?
We don't have an A in our sitch, so I'm useless in terms of advice or BTDT.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
W and I may retire in a couple of years so neither of us is anxious to try out a new job at this point. No tenure to worry about. Just saw that dang ow again. Blecchhh.
Anyone else out there with suggestions for getting over the emotional trauma of having to see that deplorable all the time? (hahahahah)
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I was just having a convo with someone about headspace. regardless of what or how you're framing the conversation about, it's still related to an individual that was involved in a very painful part of your life.
We can't avoid this sometimes, at least I know I can't, but we can give it as little time as possible.
I know early on in piecing we had conversations like that, but as time went on, the OM doesn't get brought up or talked about. We moved from OM being a focus to the A being the focus, to now, where the R is our focus.
Full disclosure: I still think about the A and OM and the betrayal; not all the time and not on purpose, but they pop up every once in a while. Give it a minute and then move on.
I should also say that I don't have to see OM ever again. To be completely honest, If I had to encounter him at all during the early stages, I don't know what would've transpired (I know some not good things).
The important thing to remember is that you're where you want to be in the R. and that you are where you want to be in life.
I'm to the point now where I really don't think about the OM. when I learned a little more about him I realized how pathetic he really was.
To be honest, the fact that I was in a better position financially and otherwise was kind of a slap to the face; I mean, why would W leave me for this guy? It was confusing until I realized that so little of this had to do with him and so much of it had to do with what W was looking for.
I think of it like this now: The timing for the W and OM was a perfect storm. It literally could've been anyone, it just happened to be this guy.
Does that makes sense? Yes, she responsible for some the pain, but what if it wasn't her? What if it was another OW (and it very well and easily could have been)?
This particular OW was a product, or an effect of your W's problems, not the cause.
I can't really be as charitable about ow as you are about OM. She pursued W, filled her head with cr$p about me, and had no concern whatsoever about the fact that we all work together. W is somewhat prominent, so she's a bit of a prize. I think ow wanted to see if she could grab that prize. And ultimately, she seems to enjoy breaking people up, at least according to W.
Whatever... every day that I don't see her -- 4 now! -- it's better.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I am 18 months into piecing. It's hard, but I realize over time it is getting better, and the triggers are fading quickly. I tend to post in Newcomers because there is more activity there. I also find that I don't share much about my sitch because most people just want their S to come back and therefore they have different needs. Lately I have been wondering if reading the board is holding me back and keeping me in the past emotionally, especially in regards to the effect of WH on LBS and the kids.
NY, I have read some of your sitch. I don't have to see OW every day--I cannot even imagine how hard that is--but I have seen her several times in the last couple years. Yuck. That must be incredibly painful.
I don't know if this helps, but I am further down the road than you, and most definitely the impact lessens over time. There were triggers, seeing her, and things that came up that would throw me into a full on visceral response. I can recall feeling anxious, nervous, angry, and emotional all over even little reminders. My feelings and opinions haven't changed about her and what happened, the affect on me has. In fact just in the last couple months and weeks I feel so much stronger. She has no power over me anymore. I am the one that gave it to her and I am the one that has now taken it back. She is nothing.
One thing that gives me hope is when I think about my life on a broad spectrum. There have been other hardships and losses and over time, the pain has only gotten better or dissapeared. I am not sure if this is any different. I keep putting my head over heart and believe there are more silver linings and life lessons that will eventually come from this.
At least we are looking inside ourselves and facing life's hard challenges. OW (and most likely OW in your sitch) lack that ability entirely for them to be capable of such low life and selfish behavior. In some ways I pity them. I would never want to live life justifying this type of mistake.
So keep going into work with your head held high. Some days will be harder than others. Down the road you too will take your power back and you will only grow stronger as you face yourself.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hey NYGal! I've just been reading your sitch over the past few days from BD to reconciliation. Wow, what a rollercoaster! I'm so happy though that you are reconciling at last with your W!
I'm going dark at the moment, nearly four weeks in and I am struggling so to read that you had such a tough time as well helps me to see that I am not going totally crazy!! I am feeling every bit of anxiety you felt and am questioning whether it is working. My D has also decided to go dark so there is no excuse to see or speak to H at the moment. He has tried to get in touch with D but she has ignored all his texts and calls. She is much better at this than I am!
I moved over from Newcomers to the MLC board as I think H is going through some sort of crisis. The lovely people over there, especially Job, assure me that H will eventually get in touch so I just have to be patient but that unfortunately is not one of my virtues!!
Hope everything is going well in the land of piecing!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks, all. Patience is a virtue we can all work on!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I don't, but my W still does. This is a MAJOR thorn in my side. In my earlier reconciling days this didn't bother me. 9 months post BD it's really starting to get to me. I seriously want to out this d.ickhead to his wife. Plus, I cannot go to her work anymore for fear of confrontation.
She's assured me through counseling that she barely pays him the time of day, but how do we really, truly know? I have access to her work email, and did catch them communicating after BD, but nothing since. How do we truly know that they don't have a throw away email that they only use at work?
Trust is destroyed. The longer we reconcile, the more questions I have. I've gotten angry at our MC as well, because she keeps telling me I need to move on and recovery started immediately after BD. By living in the past, I'm opening up scabs. Yet, her working with him daily is a constant reminder.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
