Just keep plugging along

[leahsue]

Isn't there something financial or with social security or something that has to do with being married at least 10 years? I just can't remember what it is. Just a thought.

[InLikeFlynn]

some states like California it can effect alimony but it will also allow the lower wage earner to get the option of getting the social security benefits of their spouse. I would ask your lawyer!!

[Mach1]

Mach, what do mean in the bolded part as part of the problem?

4 years C...

I went back and read your first few threads this morning, just to remember...

You said that you were, in no particular order....

Selfish
Angry
You put your needs in front of hers and your Sons
Impatience
Dishonesty

One of your concerns 4 years ago, was that she wouldn't believe that your changes were real, and that they wouldn't last...

Were they real ?

Or were they just an attempt to get what you wanted...

Did they last ??

Or just long enough to satisfy your wants to hear her say that she wasn't going to leave..and right back to same old, same old...




You have been pushing for this Marriage for over 4 years now...

The biggest things that I see wrong with where you are right now, is that you have given this ZERO room to grow and to develop into a natural relationship on it's own...

You have had zero faith that things will work as as they are supposed to...

And you have been trying to drive a square peg into a round hole...

Mostly, I see you putting the pressure on her because you want her to lead the reconciliation of this marriage, and when she doesn't live up to your expectations of what she should be doing, you get angry and lash out at her because it wasn't how you would like it done.

So yea....Busy Bee buzzing around...gotta make the honey...gotta make the honey....gotta make the honey...

Ah snap....I don't even like Honey...

At the time of the bomb, the marriage that you had was over and done. Anything that would happen down the road would HAVE to be an entirely new relationship.

And I see you trying to apply the old relationship thinking into what should be.... new relationship thinking..

She had changed, and you had supposedly changed...

Did either of you ???




How are you different today, than the Cbt that I read 4 years ago ???

That is the thought that I have, when I read you...

And you have had those same goals now....for 4 years..

Are any of them closer than they were then ???




As far as the 10 year thing...

Is that something that you heard her say ??

Or is that your assumption, that she is thinking that ???

[cbtdad]

Thank you so much for the response. I really appreciate you going back and taking the time to look at my old posts.
You hit the nail on the head on the things I thought were wrong the first time around. I was all of those things. I really worked hard to change those things. At the time 4 years ago she had said I wasn't a good provider, was a terrible father and was not "friends" with her. That was the one and only counseling session we had and I really worked hard on those things.
I am a great provider, she doesn't have to worry about that.
She admits I am fantastic father now. And we laugh and still have fun and do things together now.
But............there was always something deeper. There was something below the surface I didn't realize. Why was I trying to control her? Why was I constantly snooping and having trust issues? Why wasn't I being supportive to her with her wanting to have a career as a paramedic? Why was I putting her down and insulting her? Why was I always so manipulative?
So when the second BD came I knew I had to really look inward at me. I came across a book by Patricia Evans called, "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?"
Wow! It was like a slap in my face. This was me. This was who I was and I didn't even realize the things I was doing and the way I was controlling or attempting to control her.
It was scary reading this book. I've now read it 3 times.

You are so right when you say "trying to fit a square peg in a round hole"
That's what I have been doing. Not on purpose. But I realize that.
I know I have made a lot of progress and she admitted it at times. But she thinks it is all a façade now. I even told her that just because I do these things less now doesn't make it alright. I understand that.
She has changed a lot. She admits that. She has changed into someone I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with. That makes this really hard. I go back and forth in my head non stop about that. I know that's why these changes have to be for me and I need to just let it play out. Not try and control the outcome. I have zero control of the outcome. I need to realize that.
The 10 year things was something she said. She said it as we were going to pick up our son after counseling. She said, "just because we may be ready to file when I am done with school, can we wait till the end of October? So we can say we made it 10 years"
This was also after she said she was going to ask me to move out at the end of April.
I am trying not to pay attention to any of that.

My goals I have now are for me. Not for saving my marriage. They are goals I put together so that I can focus on myself

[Dawgs]

This was also after she said she was going to ask me to move out at the end of April

Wait. Whose house is the name in and who makes the payments. Why on earth would you agree to that?

[cbtdad]

House is in both names. It is paid off. If we divorce I want her to have house and want son to spend most time there with neighbors and friends.
It's kind of complicated in that the house was bought with cash she got from the house we sold before we moved. That house was bought by her grandmother from her.
My attorney says that it would depend on the judge. It could go either way. She advises that if spouse isn't going to come after me for spousal support then I shouldn't fight her on that.
I am ok with her getting the house as long as I keep all my retirement. It would be a fair trade

[cbtdad]

I wanted to add something to what I wrote in response to Mach earlier.
Around May of last year I put a notebook in a drawer in the kitchen. I had told W that I was working on my verbally abusive and controlling ways. I asked her to write stuff in the book that she noticed and that I would check it periodically. I checked for 5 months. Nothing!! Eventually I stopped checking.
So in the past counseling session she says she wrote in the book and just another example if me not following through. Well I checked the book when I got home. She had dated in 12/10/16
Wrote the following: "Once again you talk a big game, but when it comes down to it, you can't follow through with the action...."
So after 7 months she finally writes something and blames me that I'm not doing anything. This is the part that gets so frustrating. She says things like, "borderline abusive", that "I am not physically able to change"
Yet neighbors and close friends have said the opposite and noticed the differences. It's like she refuses to let the positives in and only reflects on the negatives.
That's when I start feeling that it may be too late with her. That I did too much damage from the past. That maybe I can't fix this relationship, but that thankfully I am learning who the person I was and I am constantly working to be better for the next relationship

[Mach1]

So in the past counseling session she says she wrote in the book and just another example if me not following through. Well I checked the book when I got home. She had dated in 12/10/16
Wrote the following: "Once again you talk a big game, but when it comes down to it, you can't follow through with the action...."
So after 7 months she finally writes something and blames me that I'm not doing anything. This is the part that gets so frustrating. She says things like, "borderline abusive", that "I am not physically able to change"

Was it true ??

Or is she making schidt up ??

Yet neighbors and close friends have said the opposite and noticed the differences. It's like she refuses to let the positives in and only reflects on the negatives.

To be fair...

You aren't in a relationship with your close friends and neighbors now are you....

That's when I start feeling that it may be too late with her. That I did too much damage from the past. That maybe I can't fix this relationship, but that thankfully I am learning who the person I was and I am constantly working to be better for the next relationship

Too late huh ??

Maybe thats the excuse you could use....

What would be the reason ???

[cbtdad]

I wouldn't say she is making it up. As I agree I have had slip ups and it doesn't make it right. I think she choosing to see what she wants to and blocking what she doesn't. That's what I feel. Doesn't make it true.
Nope. I'm not in a marriage with close friends and neighbors. But I do have relationships with them.
See my response above about her choosing what she wants. I guess others see it differently.
It's not an excuse. I won't live in a sexless one sided marriage. Hence why I told her the things I did. I am not asking her to make a choice. I am choosing to stay till she finishes up school because its better for my son so he isn't completely taken care of by babysitters while she does 400 hours of clinicals.
The reason I will leave is because I am unhappy. And I am tired of being unhappy.

[Mach1]

I wouldn't say she is making it up.

Then why does it anger you so much ??

As I agree I have had slip ups and it doesn't make it right. I think she choosing to see what she wants to and blocking what she doesn't. That's what I feel. Doesn't make it true.

So let me get this straight here...

You admit that she is not making this last journal entry up, and you admit to "slipping up" , and you agree that you have behaved that way in the past, and are STILL to some extent acting that way...

Yet you want to blame her for only seeing what she wants to see ?

Which by the way, seems to be exactly the things that you have admitted to slipping up on ??

What are you giving her that is any different than 4 years ago ?

Nope. I'm not in a marriage with close friends and neighbors. But I do have relationships with them.

Intimate ones ?

Where you talk and share your daily life with them ?

Where they count on you for certain aspects of life ? Bills ? Raising a child with them ??

They see what you choose to show them....nothing more, nothing less....

See my response above about her choosing what she wants. I guess others see it differently.

I guess I do also...

It's not an excuse. I won't live in a sexless one sided marriage. Hence why I told her the things I did. I am not asking her to make a choice.

She didn't ask you to make the choice that you did either...she most certainly didn't ask you to choose to stand for your marriage...

I am choosing to stay till she finishes up school because its better for my son so he isn't completely taken care of by babysitters while she does 400 hours of clinicals.

B-S....

I'm not buying that one.

I think that you are staying because it makes you look like you tried even harder than you did to "save' this marriage, and the guilt over it not being saved is eating at you...

She is still going to do the clinicals, and you are still gonna be in the picture with him...

So who is he staying with IF you wait it out ???

The reason I will leave is because I am unhappy. And I am tired of being unhappy.

Same reason that she chose to leave a few years ago huh ???



Look dude, we have a history posting here , and I am not trying to make you feel worse than you already do...

But dammit dude, start interjecting some honesty into this...

You are wounded, and it shows...

You are hurt, and it shows...

You are anxious, and it shows...

You are afraid....and it shows...

And if I can see it, only reading your words here...then how do you think that the person that sees you everyday sees it ???

The person that knows you better than anyone else ???

How long do you think that it takes her to sniff out your moods ???

Your fear ??

Your hurt ??

C....you know how to get in touch with me, anytime....

Maybe we should do that....


You didn't answer me about the 10 year thing...