Just keep plugging along

[Dawgs]

Just going focus on me for the time being. That's all I can control

Good for you! You seem to be doing fine. Yep, the only thing you can control is you. Own it.

[cbtdad]

We had our final MC session yesterday afternoon. Still a lot of emotion. It's defotnelt sad that after 11 years with someone that it's all going to change. We are not scared obviously and we are continuing to try and do what's right for our son. We actually all went to a movie together last night as a Valentine's "date"
It seems to me that no matter what changes I've made that she can not get past the past. She thinks it is all a facade. She says that I am borderline abusive. I've done everything I know how to work on that and I am making a lot of progress, but it's still not good enough it seems.
We plan on living together until the end of April still.
Things are actually a lot better between us, but I think it's all her fault and she thinks it's all mine. It seems as if I am the target of her unhappiness and I don't see anything around that.
As much as I still want my marriage to work, I just don't see myself staying in an unhappy relationship.
I'm also not ready to move forward. So that seems to leave me and my thoughts in limbo land.
As of now I've created 7 goals for this process and will look at those and read them everyday. That's the game plan

[Dawgs]

It seems to me that no matter what changes I've made that she can not get past the past. She thinks it is all a facade. She says that I am borderline abusive. I've done everything I know how to work on that and I am making a lot of progress, but it's still not good enough it seems.

Are you telling her that you are changing? If so, then stop. By telling it just drives them further. Do it for you and you only. She will either notice, or not, or not even care. However, you will be in a better place.

[cbtdad]

She knows that I've been working on me and working on these things. And yes I have said things before. Even yesterday in counseling. It was dumb of me and it did exactly what you are talking about.

[Dawgs]

She knows that I've been working on me and working on these things. And yes I have said things before. Even yesterday in counseling. It was dumb of me and it did exactly what you are talking about.

I can't knock you because I've done the same thing. We all do. Just learn and go on.

[Gordie]

We actually all went to a movie together last night as a Valentine's "date"...She says that I am borderline abusive.

That borderline abusive comment? Those words are toxic. But remember not to believe their words. You do not agree to go to the movies with someone who is actually borderline abusive.

[Cristy]

Hello cbtdad,

Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.

It is going to sound like an echo around here...you need to show her your changes through your actions, not your words. Remember that these changes are for you, not her. You can only fix yourself, not her.

At this point you have told her that you will not stand in the way of the divorce, right? That doesn't mean that you need to be the one that sets the wheels in motion. If this is what she wants, and you don't, she needs to be the one to jump through the hoops and make it happen.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me at 303-444-7004 to schedule a session with your DB coach.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Mach1]

It seems to me that no matter what changes I've made that she can not get past the past. She thinks it is all a facade. She says that I am borderline abusive. I've done everything I know how to work on that and I am making a lot of progress, but it's still not good enough it seems.

Maybe that ^^^ (bolded part) is part of the problem ???

Things are actually a lot better between us, but I think it's all her fault and she thinks it's all mine. It seems as if I am the target of her unhappiness and I don't see anything around that.
As much as I still want my marriage to work, I just don't see myself staying in an unhappy relationship.

The first part is DB101....

The second part sounds a lot like a goal that you are working towards...

As of now I've created 7 goals for this process and will look at those and read them everyday. That's the game plan

I would be curious to read those....

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the responses everyone.
Christy I have seen an attorney. I have done so to protect myself. Neither of us, as of now, intend to file until she is done with paramedic school. She knows I am not going to stand in her way. My attorney did say that if we can agree on everything before hand we can just use one attorney to file everything. So far W seems very logical and we would just split everything equally and share custody.
One thing she said yesterday after counseling that was very interesting was that she wouldn't want to file until after October so she can say we were married for 10 years. I was like really?!?!
Mach, what do mean in the bolded part as part of the problem?

Here are my 7 goals I look at every morning:
1. Get Healthy
-eat real food
-workout 4-5 times a week
-minimum alcohol consumption
-drink plenty of water
2. No Snooping!
3. DO NOT condemn, criticize or complain
4. Get out with new friends and old friends more
5. Spend quality time with Son
6. Church on Sunday's
7. Absolutely no relationship talk or discussions

[hawker]

That is weird about the 10 year thing??? I actually have noticed a lot of us have been together or M for 10 years that are going through this....