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I agree with Coconut. You need a passion that isn't a person.

As for your wife and your impatience with her not being willing to have sex with you right now, have you bought about what you would do if your wife had a medical condition that meant she couldn't have sex for an extended length of time? How would you treat her? Would it help you not blow up in your current situation if you thought of your wife as having an emotional condition at means she can't have sex right now?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
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cbtdad Offline OP
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Cnut, that's makes perfect sense. I don't have a passion right now. Golf was a passion for a couples years a long time ago. I played a lot. I was down to a 4 handicap and I loved it. My other passion was college football. I could not wait for the fall. I always had a big tailgate and during away games I would have 15-20 people over and cook all day. I love it. But now I work Saturdays and that just isn't possible to do that anymore.
I do need to find a new passion. I think that is contributing to the issues
Rose888, I appreciate what you are saying. It makes sense to me. For me sex is "closeness" for whatever reason. So it's built up in me. I need to continue to work on understanding that she just isn't there yet and stop thinking the worst.

This morning I asked her what that quote meant again and she said, "you just keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Eventually enough is enough"
When things get like this I have a way of "pressuring" to make myself feel better. In all actuality it makes me feel so much worse. So why do I continue to do the same things. Things that do not work.
I am just trying to remind myself that this is the long haul. 2 steps forward one step back


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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I meant to drop by at the end of your last thread or earlier in this one.I felt the pressure brewing and wanted to try to help steer your thinking. Now my words are too late. I will just speak about recent postings.

Your frustration is valid. Your needs are unmet and that sukcs. Your suspicions are truly hard to deal with even if they appear to be fear based more than fact based. You are in a tough situation.
No doubt.

Your recent actions are undermining all your hard work over the last few months. You admit pressuring her. She had told you that you are. The only result pressuring her will achieve is to push her away. That is a fact.

I understand that accepting your current situation undermines what you feel is acceptable. Yes you deserve more, but this is just a phase to get through. It is not as good as it gets. It is not forever. But ur is your best chance to achieve what you want.

Look around this forum. You still have your W. Ye are in MC to improve things. She is saying a lot of the right stuff than most lbs will never hear although theywwould die to hear it. Long story short, you have a lot of positives and a good chance of making it. Better than many. Believe in that and dig deep for more patience. Patience will not be enough. You need to become better at controlling yourself. You know that.

Maybe she is stringing you along. Maybe she is elsewhere. Or maybe she is just unsure. If it is the latter you can win this war but she needs to see a better more consistent you.

I like the advice you just received and second it. You can save yourM but it will take a long time. So you can afford some time to find that passion for YOU.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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cbtdad Offline OP
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Roist, thank you very much for the words you wrote. I do think so much of that is true. It's changes over a long period of time that she wants to see. I've noticed as this has happened she has definitely distanced herself again. It's almost like going back to beginning it feels like.
I had such a rough week and it certainly not who I want to be or what I want this marriage to be like. I can definitely tell that I begin to revert back to my old self when I feel insecure in the relationship. Which is the exact opposite of what I need to do to get what I want.
My suspicions are purely fear based. I have nothing factual whatsoever to go on.
I just really hate the lack of transparency I feel in our marriage. She has password on everything. Her laptop, phone and iPad. I'm almost certain it's because I'm guilty of snooping in the past for sure, but it's hard to go back to those negative thoughts I had from the past. I was definitely burnt before and I guess I haven't fully gotten over it. I think a big part of that is the fact that I felt like "plan b" and that she never really took full ownership of it. I think the fact that it got buried and a bandaid was put on it is a big part of the problem
The problem is though that me bringing that up is just "more of the same" and does no good for her, me or the marriage. Its like ruining into a brick wall over and over again.
What is bothering me the most right now is how close we were feeling and now I feel so distant again. I feel as though she could be done
We are headed out of town for a wedding this weekend and my goal is zero R talk, zero pressure, and just to have fun


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
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cbtdad Offline OP
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Well I guess that sometimes you just have a bad week and as long as you keep moving in the right direction then things can get back on track.
Like I said in my last post I felt like it was going back to the beginning all over again. Well over the last two days it feels as though things are normal as she is texting me all day, opening up on her feelings, threw her leg over mine as we were watching TV.
Our nine year anniversary is coming up in less than a year. She has been asking me questions lately about things I like. I think she is fishing for information for gift ideas. I need to start figuring out which way I want to go in that area.


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
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Im baaaaaaccckkk! Listen to me, C. I mean it. You have got to get a handle on your stuff. Now. For you. If you continue to react without thinking..it is going to go badly. It just is.

Come on now. You arent a newbie. You know this stuff.

What I see from you is you stomping your feet because you arent getting your way. Is that the man you want to be? I dont think so.

You knew going that this is a long haul. THeres no way around that.

The problem I see is that you are watching her every move, every word, every gesture and measuring it to see what it means. That isnt good for either of you.

The truth is this...she may not be all in right now. She may never be. But that doesnt change your course. That doesnt change the fact that you have got to get your stuff in order. Because no matter what happens, reacting as you do will not serve you well in any part of your life.

She isnt ready to be intimate with you. Accept it for now. Doesnt mean it will always be that way.

She needs to see consistent actions over time before she can trust that the changes are real. She isnt seeing that.

But I dont care about her. I care about you. And I hate to see you going round and round in circles. You need to take the focus off of her and put it on you and your son.

Find something that you like to do and do it. Make plans with friends. Take your son some place special just the two of you. She needs to see you moving forward so she can move forward. She cant do that if she is constantly having to look over her shoulder at you.

You cant keep reacting like this and expect to see change. It doesnt work that way.

So, whats it gonna be, C?

Lets get to gettin.

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cbtdad Offline OP
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Thanks Urworthy!!
I really wish I would have seen your post before this early evening happened.
It probably would have been better. You are exactly right. I am spinning. I'm spinning to the point that I am starting to see a lot of my old habits show up.
We went out of town to the wedding this weekend and that went fine. Of course we shared a bed at her mothers because she hasn't informed her parents about anything going on. I also noticed that she wore all her rings to the wedding which made me happy. So the weekend went fine
Fast forward to us getting back. She found Monday that's she failed a test, then she also had a bad day where she got called into the instructors office.
I've basically had 10 minutes of conversation the last few days as she had been totally consumed by school. She even had a parent teacher conference Tuesday morning that she never said anything to me at all because she is so distracted by school.
So once again it was all building up. Me feeling like I'm being put on the back burner. It's hard enough when my LL is being spoken, but it makes it worse when she feels so distant in other areas as well. I guess you can say my love tank gets completely empty.
So this evening we started to get into about something stupid which was the fact that she didn't respond to a text about dinner at neighbors. She said she was distracted. After bickering about stupid stuff, like her not bringing up parent teacher conference and basically ignoring me for the past two days, I told her to go to neighbors for dinner without me
As she was leaving I was paying cell bill. Well I decided to take a glance at "usage". I noticed she had a 30 minute conversation with a guy on her way back from school. The same guy that she talked to about us before and that she texts through instagram. I really don't think there is anything there, but the fact that she gives him a 30 min conversation while I'm feeling like second fiddle all the time set me off.
She texted me and said, "they are here" meaning other neighbors
I responded with: "Now I know why you were distracted. I'm good. Enjoy"
That text was sent with a pic of his phone number from the bill
Then I followed that up with: "I think I'm done W. I just can't do this anymore"
No reply and we haven't spoke since. She is still at the neighbors house as far as I know
The thing is I really do start feeling like I'm at that point. Like I am just fighting off the inevitable.
I've gone almost 6 months without sex. We are still in separate bedrooms.
I know some vets say DB for a year, but I just don't feel like it's going to change at times.
I was doing so well in focusing on me and changing things that I need to in my life
Now I feel like I'm going backwards.
And the reason I feel like I'm going backwards is because I'm not really sure if I want to be in this marriage. I am struggling with that so much lately.
I do believe that I think I think I should move out. I think I need that from my emotional sanity
I don't know. I think I'm just spinning in circles


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
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Smh, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but you'd probably have a better shot at saving your M if you separated and moved out.. I feel like you might start to work on yourself and at least have a shot at being happy.

She probably had that talk with OM because of things going bad in school, I'd say it's not appropriate and is bad news, but if your so wound up your going to push her away and make it more likely something is going to happen.

She needs to want you, but for that to happen you have to be attractive to her, you need to be happy with yourself.

Your really acting codependent, like your happiness is completely wound up in how much attention she does or doesn't give you. That's not healthy.

I really do wish the best for you, but I'm afraid your actions are taking a slow walk down the wrong path buddy.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
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cbtdad Offline OP
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I'm afraid my actions are taking a slow walk down the wrong path as well buddy.
I can see it happening. I can feel it and I can't seem to stop myself before I have these reactions.
My gameplan is to get back to doing what I was doing a month ago
Little communication and focus on me
I do think about moving out a lot. But with my 6 year old and her schedule and my schedule it's the very last thing I want to do


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
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Just a note to others....CB and I go back a long ways...

C, you are making excuses because the truth is..you can help it. You are in charge of you. Count to 20 before responding. Put a freakin rubber band on your wrist, punch a pillow, call a friend. Whatever you need to do NOT to react.

How does what you are doing serve you? You are going round and round and up and down a cheeseless tunnel.

Get back on your path, ya hear? smile

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