WW Starting to talk again. Not sure if I want her.

[Surfer]

All very true PsySara. Thank you.

[Surfer]

Something is on my mind.

My W asked if I wanted to see the kids yesterday. To take them to the cinema or something. I did, they wanted to see me, so we went and had fun. I think this was the right thing to do on balance. But underneath I felt I was helping my W out. I don't mind this per se and she thanked me and said it helped her to get things done as she was having family round later. I would normally be invited to this gathering and I miss it. I miss them.

I think there is a little bitterness in me at having missed out or not been invited but I need to let that go. Which I can - it's only a minor thing.

However, my question is am I letting her eat cake. She would have been in a terrible grump if I had left her to it, trying to get everything straight at home shouting st the kids and getting stressed. It would not have been fun for them.

She thanked me for having the kids but had a slightly wry smile that I am mind reading as minor disrespect. I therefore have mixed feelings, it's hard to find the line between letting them eat cake and being kind. I am not sure if I crossed it. Can anyone help with this?

I think I perhaps need to worry less about my W's respect and more about my own respect for myself.

Still no mediation meeting.

W got a reminder for her unpaid fine - now probably over £500. I advised them of her new contact details as I don't want a court judgement against my home address if it comes to that.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I did a spot of chasing yesterday. I texted my W to see if she had see something on TV I was watching that I knew she would like. No response. It's sad really, she just doesn't have the feelings for me anymore. I'm not having a pity party but I must admit. The times I have thought about her and realised she is not physically or personality wise ideal - but I nevertheless loved her, and clearly still do - make me realise that she just does not view our M in the same way (ie that it was all about us and the kids). She certainly does not love me in the same way.

Nevermind. I will just carry on being the best version of me. If she decides to carry on as she is, ultaimately she will miss out. But sadly so will the kids. I just need to be the best Dad and plan fun things for us to do!

Surfer.

[Jug]

Surfer- sorry about your tough times. I think it was good to spend extra time with your kids. It's your decision and don't worry about her benefiting. Just think about you and your kids benefiting. I do understand the internal conflict though. Don't beat yourself up about the pursuit; we've all done/do it. I can't imagine missing a gathering of in-law relatives...

[Surfer]

Jug

Thanks for the insight. I struggle to rationalise Sandi's cake eating stance. Part of me wants to be unforgiving at times and say no to everything - I don't of course, I am learning to detach so I don't need to even feel these things.

I guess in terms of the family going round, I did totally love my W and her family. They were as much mine (or so it felt) I have actually moved a long way from my own parents etc to be here and now can't move back realistically - as I won't see the kids as much. I can go back to see my parents lots though - which is great. There are certain people in her family I won't miss. There's also an awful lot of drama in her family so I can happily say goodby to that.

Thanks again.

Surfer.

[Jug]

I understand your concern about cake eating but you should take them whenever you want to and not as a regular thing.

I'm sorry that you feel so strongly about some of the in-laws. I like some of them well enough but the sisters have said that they support the relationship with the OM and that's not cool.

[Surfer]

No that's not cool. So that's not cool at all. If you spoke to someone who told you they thought the Nazis were right and Jews are evil, you would think that was not cool too I imagine. I also imagine you would distance yourself from them ASAP. I can see why you don't miss them. I would distance too. Part of W's family are still lovely. Some are total fcuktards. For similar reasons. I stay clear of them.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

I am a believer in being careful with what you say, as you never know when you may be in that position and it comes back and bites you in the ass. And this definitely applies to these people that support affairs, it's like jinxing yourself- what if you were in the position, what would you think. Wouldn't it just be awful for these people that support extramarital affairs end up the spouse who is cheated on....

I agree with jug. It is a bit tricky to follow some of these rules regarding cake eating. But in this situation, I totally think you made the right call. Like you say, if they were at home- they would be getting yelled at. It is much better for them and you to enjoy your day and do something fun.

The texting thing is tough, and I think we do all have a slip up here and there where we persue and don't get the reaction we would like. Put it down to experience, learn from it and leave it at that.

[Surfer]

Been busy in London today. Meetings etc. Got back and called W to say S6 had mentioned football and would I go to watch today. To be fair, I asked if he wanted me to, he said yes or next week. W, her M & D will be going. I thought she may have kicked back against this idea (as she has generally tried to ostracise me from her family before) however, she has been positive.

She asked if she could drop in S6's football kit, I said NP all washed and ironed of course and we had a lovely little chat, just me and her, smiles, chats kindness all round.

It would be good if this could last - not getting my hopes up but I am going to keep on being particularly kind, not worrying about cake eating so much (I think that's something we can get hung up on - it's like digging your heels in and can be dangerous).

Watch this space, may this long continue.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

That's great news of going to the football together. This is what I explained to my wh is important. That where the kids are concerned we are still a team in parenting. I've seen kids with divorced parents worrying about who to invite to events and things because there parents can't stand the sight of each other. And that is absolutely what I don't want. I don't want the d full stop, but I really don't want it to affect them. I want them to know that we love them very much and they will always come first. So it makes me happy that you can both put differences aside where they are concerned.

Db is hard. It's hard wether to know if we should give them the cold treatment or wether we should keep ourselves upbeat and friendly. I find for me the latter helps, it helps me in myself to. Holding anger towards him and being cold drains me more. If needed, I know you can be firm so not to get walked over or taken advantage of. The way I see it, is we are showing them what they set to loose. If pouty and angry all the time, I feel that would just conform to them that they are making the right decision.