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Glad to see you are not done with working on you. My wh has filed and the papers are drawn up. There isn't anything I can do to stop it, and it isn't what I want. But I, like you, shall continue to db to make the best me I possibly can. The best version of us for whatever may come my way!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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Cherry, sorry to hear that. It is so strange, the behavior you have recently seen and I am seeing. I wonder if it's them knowing what they are about to do is the final cut to the marriage - after so many cuts (by both parties). I wonder if they try to make that final go in their minds or its just confusion. There I go overthinking again. The reality is you will never make sense of this fully. The LBS may never also. How strange.....

Keep your chin up.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Oh Surfer, I'm sorry you became discouraged for a bit. But you knew this all the whole time, that DBing is for you, to become the best person you can be. DBing gives us our best chance of reconciliation, but it is mainly to keep from becoming bitter depressed people. It's SO easy to get sucked into self pity and anger when the person we loved and trusted the most in the world kick us to the street like a piece of worthless garbage, and usually feel compelled to spread a bunch of lies about us to justify their actions to boot.

I fell for the "MLC lasts 3 to 5 years" lie too. I think my ex's MLC started in 2007, although I did not get the bomb drop until 2009. It'll be 9 years this November, and there is still no sign he is coming out of it yet.

Most LBS here do eventually move on, I think, especially those upon whom divorce has been forced by their spouse. I think most of the LBS eventually get to the point where you are, where they are "done" with their marriage due to their spouse's toxicity. If, as Job says, your wife snaps out of it and does a LOT of work on herself, maybe you will be in an emotional state where you are willing to take her back. Maybe she will not ever do the work to catch up with you. Sad, but quite possible. No matter what the future brings, you will be sane and healthy and strong and healed, and your kids will have their beloved rock of a dad to depend on.

In the meanwhile, I just want to let you know that I think you are awesome. Carry on!


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Quote:
and your kids will have their beloved rock of a dad to depend on.

In the meanwhile, I just want to let you know that I think you are awesome. Carry on!


Well Linda, what lovely words. Thank you. I don't often get glassy eye'd like that!!

You are inspirational - going through all of this for someone you can't give up on. If only all spouses had your conviction. It's a quality I find endearing - to hear someone say, "no matter what you are going through, I will never give up on you" is amazing to me.

Please don't forget how rare and special you really are.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Well after last weeks major wobble I am back in steady mode. It's strange how you can be totally happy and accepting of everything. Happy with yourself and your life and a little switch gets flicked. Usually by someone else's words or actions and the 'fear' of the situation takes you on a very unpleasant journey. I will no doubt experience this again, but as of now I have peace again. There were times when I was literally unable to function - I am glad they have gone.

So where am I in my story. I guess I am in a place where my W and I can spend time in each other's company without feeling the need to run for the hills. I see her and the kids every day during the week (she drops them and I take them to school). They stay every Weds and every other Friday - Sunday. Custody is a little fluid still but it's okay. The kids are happy and that's the main thing.

I do hope we can reconcile but I am happy as things are too so I have a win win right now.

I am 99.99% sure there is no OM at all. My W is not angry so much now and seems to be calming and becoming more friendly. It's two steps forward one step back, but we are seeing progress. Without any doubt. If that progress results in a better R as separated parents that will do. Because that provides more stability for the kids.

My DB Coach (on my final and 6th session) made it clear to me that whilst saying no to some things (if there you are being dumped on etc) is fine you need to focus on kindness. Because kindness and love will foster better relationship. If you don't improve your relationship you can grow again as a couple. I think this is true. It all feels rather simple at this stage. You can't grow seeds unless the ground is good etc. As you grow you want your Spouse to grow so your lives become intertwined in healthy soil etc. The toxic environment you had before was not good, but this new environment can be.

I am still wearing my ring. My W is not. But that's okay. It's just a ring. My W is still being counselled by her wayward friends but not seem to be spending so much time with them. Although that might be just that I don't hear of it. I hope in time she will tire of them. She may not of course. But if she wants that path then fine.

My W keeps providing me with suggestions for things to do when I have the kids. They often have birthday parties etc, there are also football matches to take them too. For now, I am going along with these suggestions but I do need to forward plan a little more so I can actually fit in a few things that they would like to - it will be a bit of a 180 really. I usually take the passenger role in these things as my W has historically dealt with trips and holidays. I took them away for a little holiday recently and we all loved it so I am going to focus on the next school holidays and get organised.

Sorry I just realised I am ramblng a little and not sure if this helps!

My W booked a theatre event a while ago and took the kids last Sunday - I felt this was fair even though it was 'my weekend' as such. Doing this was kind and in response she has asked if I would like to take the kids somewhere this Saturday 'her weekend' as I have not seen them so much. She suggested the cinema. I am going to take her up on the offer as any chance to spend time with the kids is good. It also gives me a little 'hi' time with my W which is probably good. These tiny good connections help.

I used to spend time mind reading - what is she up to? Why does she not want the kids? It was usually, previously, so she can have time with wayward friends. I am trying not to think like this now. It's nothing to do with me who she takes counsel from. If she is taking it from people that are not genuinely for our M then so be it. That is her poor judgement not mine.

I am going to say yes but not invite her to whatever we do, I think it might be a little early for that - she might well say no and that might pull back 'old feelings for her'. Any thoughts on this?

I am mindful that it's my W's 40th in a month. Her friends will no doubt throw her a party. I will not. That's the role for a H. If we are getting on like we are I may be tempted to send her a card, I didn't acknowledge the anniversary which has just gone. Any thoughts?

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Wow. I should have put chapters and an index in that. smile


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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I'm glad you are in a much clearer place, it's so easy for a little wobble to get us, but it's how you overcome these feelings that is important. I usually find that after a wobble, I come out stronger. That seems the case too. And I agree to building a non toxic environment for the children. It would be oh so easy to take the approach of hating one another. As a child, lots of my friends had D parents who hated one another, didn't see or communicate with each other. I also know people now who dislike their ex so much! Personally this is what I want to avoid. Yes I am hurt, but if I can't save my m, then I would like to build a strong friendly r with him to allow us to be in the same room as one another and raise our children. He states this is his intentions too, but we shall see!

Glad you get the kids on Saturday, sure they will love a movie trip with you, and you're absolutely right on not inviting w, it would probably come across as persuing, so just enjoy your time with them.

The birthday thing is something I will have coming up shortly, I'm not sure if I'll even get him just a card, or just leave it to a gift and present from S.

Super proud of you and how you've overcome the wobble!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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Thanks Cherry.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Ahh the road often traveled by LBS, filled with wobbles, lol. I consider DBing helpful for me because I no longer spin so hard when I get triggered. I don't react to WH like I used to. IT's helped me understand that his actions are all on him and I have no control over what he does or doesn't do.

We pick ourselves up and dust off much faster when we get adept at DBing. We find ourselves again.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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I see great value in using DB regardless of the outcome. The principles here and other places are the habits you will need in place to build a relationship with your current spouse or a new spouse. Consider the goal as to how to have a great marriage.

Surfer, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Going forward you need a clear idea of what you want if you divorce. Know the law, and know how it can favor you on custody. If it doesn't work on making changes that will favor you, but not by degrading her.

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