WW Starting to talk again. Not sure if I want her.

[job]

I want to point out that it is written all over the place that a crisis can last from 3-5 years and that this timeline applies to both men and women. However, over the years, we have seen a crisis last far longer than what has been posted over the years. I, personally, don't put much stock in the 3-5 years timeline. I put stock in the person who is experiencing the crisis returning to a normal, mature individual. The crisis will take as long as it takes and it could be 3, 5, 7 or even longer and some can remain stuck. Sometimes it can be shorter, but rarely have we seen this. The timeline is based upon how many times the person hits the brick wall and finally steps back and learns the lessons he/she needs to learn as well as facing his/her issues. Once in crisis, you can't rush the process. If you do rush it, or attempt to snap them out of it, they will go back into crisis at a later time and it will be far worse than the first time around. Their clocks are very, very slow and they lose track of time, etc.

So, do yourself a favor and take the 3-5 year timeline w/a grain of salt. It's all up to the person experiencing a crisis as to when he/she determines when it's over and I would hate to see you still sitting here 3 years from now still looking out your window to see if he/she's done.

I also want to point out that if and when they do wake up, there is no guarantee that the person will be the same person you knew pre-crisis. Some come out of the fog very settled/mature, some come of the "fog" and keep a few of the traits that they exhibited during the crisis and then there are others that will be totally different personality wise. So, it's a wait and see to see who actually returns to the real world.

This is the time to focus on you and do the things that you've put off doing for years and a time to learn new things. If there are things that you need to do to improve yourself, do them for you and not to win her back. Be sure that you are happy w/whatever changes that you make. Whatever changes you make, they must become permanent or she'll know that you only made the changes to get her attention and convince her to come back into the relationship.

Most importantly, continue moving forward. Life is far too short to sit in one spot. You can always leave the door ajar, but continue to live your life to the fullest. If she wakes up, she will have to do the hard/necessary work to earn your trust and become transparent in all that she does in order to gain your trust again. But...that's a ways down the road.

[SH_]

Surfer, how are you doing?

I have worry for you at this time......
I pray that you are doing okay.

[MrBond]

'A midlife crisis lasts between 2-5 years in women'
I have no idea where this came from but I can say it's not true. You want to move on. Go ahead and become a better man and father.

[Surfer]

Thank you all.

I am okay. Just struggling. Recently we were getting on lot's better, then someone interfered and has stoked up bad feeling in my W again. W spewed and it got me like a nasty sucker punch. I'll rebuild and detach. I am going to have to stop all hope of this ever reconciling though. I need to see DB as being about me and the kids. It can't be about her, it's too disappointing.

My three big dislikes are lies, manipulation and interference from stirring parties (OM/W, friends, family etc) - we all get these - I had all 3 of these with the spew.

I need to detach to stop the lies hurting and set boundaries for the manipulation. I also need to realise that I can't stop the stirring or the propaganda/re-written history that comes from it - I just need to let that go.

She is moving towards D with mediation now (following the stirring advice). Got to see the positives in this, but right now I am confused. I will clear my head later - exercise and then GAL.

Surfer.

[MrBond]

We all get the spew and anger. You can get over it. If you can't handle it, then sign off on the papers and end it. It won't stop the anger though and your resentment, hatred and anger will build.

[Surfer]

Time to crack on with being a better version of me.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

MrBond/Job/Cadet/Cessna/Cherry/CLD/SH/ForGump/Natus thank you for your recent posts and ongoing support.

Got to take the positives. I have moved on from the drastic weight loss period of massive anxiety. That horror story period where you can't even focus - that period that passes but you can't see that it ever will. You don't even remember who you are. I am just so pleased about this. That means I have moved forward. I CAN and WILL, keep moving forward.

I am not giving up on DB principles and practices for that might mean I do not fully adjust to the best version of me, which I need to see and my children need to see (they obviously don't know I have "wobbled" - nobody but you guys do).

- I will start re-read DB later.
- Gym this afternoon.
- I am having some of my W's family over for dinner tonight (some that won't fall in line with re-written history) and that will help with GAL. Not going to talk too much about her and if I do I will be generous and kind about her finest attributes. I am not going to focus on the negatives. It's never good.

Thank you all so, so much. I really do appreciate it.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

MrBond,

I can get over the anger and spew. You are spot on. Done it before.

If you can't handle it, then sign off on the papers and end it. It won't stop the anger though and your resentment, hatred and anger will build.

I don't hate my W. I don't even resent her. I resent historic events, I don't hate them though but I guess you are right if not now I may feel this way if I don't deal with this situation correctly (not big on hating though I must admit).

In terms of me saying "I am done" - I don't mean I am going to go for a D I mean I am done with being 'hurt', but that's garbage. What I really should have said is I am done with 'this' - letting myself get hurt.

It is my W that is pushing for mediation and D, sadly. I can't really stop her going for a D - so at some point I will have to sign off on the papers - if she goes that far. Being able to handle that will be a matter of necessity rather than choice. In my heart I hope she does not. It's just a very frustrating period - perhaps you can tell!

S6 is talking about us getting back together like it's a possibility bless him. They are hurting too.

Time to refocus. Strong, coping and moving forward with a positive confidence and kindness to my W.

Thank you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Or might you be driving it?

At times it's me - we both drive this train. I have been really much better recently. I need to remember I am neither a fairground ride operator or a passenger.

Thank you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Most divorces don't get busted. We all know that. There has been just too much damage or one party is too dysfunctional. Yes, by all means, let's cope, let's recover, let's improve ourselves ... but we're not busting anything.

I agree, with the exception that you may not DB to get her back, but you can DB to get you back.

Ive transititioned from DBing to win her back to working on me irregardless if we get back together or not.

- thanks Natus.

You may also get a better relationship with your W - or the person that she has become. See Job's post (above). Thanks Job.

Most of all - keep your chin up Chap! We all get dragged down by this at times. It's easy to have short or longer terms wobbles.But perhaps the key is to focus on you - I know you know this and so do I; but sometimes we forget. I did for a day or so.

Keep it up for you (and S8 & D13)!!

Surfer.