WW Starting to talk again. Not sure if I want her.

[Cherry]

I think the more you busy yourself with GAL the easier the not caring what they are up to gets easier. I haven't a clue where my wh is, the majority of the time I don't care neither. In his head we are d, and I guess we live completely separate lives. I've had to pull myself away from those thoughts for my own mental wellbeing, as living in the same house- it would drive me insane as he is never home! You've been doing great, you just need another little step back. Nothing we can do or say will stop them, if anything it would push them further to rebel against us. Just focus on you and do what you believe serves your best interests.

With the wayward friends, after the PA and his return, he dropped them- realised they were no good for him. But now he's found some new ones. Eventually they will probably come to a realisation when that person really lets them down and isn't there for them. They're attracted to them now as they make them feel good about them, I don't know if that kind of negativity could last or stand the test. She may well have a realisation moment but how/if/when that would happen, no one could answer.

Just keep focussed on you, she's too toxic to get sucked into right now! There is different schools of thought on the be pleasant/friendly vs full protection no friendliness. And I guess that all comes down to what works for you. I'm pleasant enough to my wh- but if I feel he is taking advantage of cake eating, I pull back. Likewise if I'm feeling a little angry/upset, I just avoid without making it obvious. It all boils down to what works and keeping consistency. Would you want to be with someone being moody, ignoring you, nasty?! I wouldn't, it would justify actions if anything. Just my 2 cents though. I know the tough love thing works for some, and can help the ws come to their senses when they feel the loss of their S. so long as you don't allow her to cake eat, or loose respect, just do what works.

[RosaLinda]

I think I am noticing one of my faults. It's that I tend to look for the worst. It's not a good trait. What I also do is use my great BS detector. It's rarely wrong. But if you spend enough time looking for a lie, you will find one too. I need to work out how to deal with this. There is a fine balance in being treated like a fool and setting yourself up for a fail - via an argument that didn't need to take place.

Also, there is a need not to give a sh!t. Okay, you are getting on together. Which is not bad - certainly for the kids. It's good. However, why give a sh!t what she is up to? I perhaps need to detach more and just do the okay - enjoy it thing!!

Did you ever hear the quote “If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will"? Either Abraham Lincoln or Polly Anna said it, I'm not sure which. I think it's true, and always try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe what they are saying....until they have proven to be big fat liars, then it's sort of hard to ever believe them again.

Nothing wrong with having a highly tuned BS detector. But you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes around looking for the worst. Were you always like this, or has the trusting part of your soul been kicked out of you one lie at a time?

You're right about needing to be more detached. It's great that you and your wife are being cordial, especially for your children. You'll get to the point where you don't care what she's up to one of these days. It takes time. Stop being so hard on yourself!

[Surfer]

Thanks Cherry, I am quite fine, just hate the feeling of her friends stirring up problems. She does it her self too in fairness. She could shut it down. Also I don't like the feeling of being too nice. Then again provided it's for the best of the kids (only) then I don't mind that. Fully dark or cold and being seen by the kids is not good.

I think l stick with what I am doing.

Thanks.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Thanks Linda

I totally agree in always look for the silver lining in fairness. I am naturally a cheerful optimist. I take people as I find them. I guess your point about "until they have proven a lie" is very true. However, with a WS they lie and you hear those lies and see evidence so often (OW/OM) stuff. Lies to disrespect etc. It gets to even the most forgiving, rational and optimistic of us at times. It does get kicked out one piece at a time, but I am too resilient for that. It keeps coming back! So that's why I am feeling like that. It's temporary. It won't touch my core optimism.

The always planning for the worse or expecting it, I am a little like this at times, again, not always. But I do need to take a chill pill on it. Not biggie, just observing some faults. I don't have many major ones TBH. I have worked on so many for so long. Slowly getting there. Hopefully she sees that but if not I am good with that.

Thank you for dropping by.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So worked all day. Concentration is terrible at the moment. Need to get that sorted.

Picked up the kids, spent the day nipping in and out of the kitchen to make Spagetti Bolognase from scratch. Kids ate it all so must have been good. I am going to do a shortbread based cheesecake with summer fruit with S6 shortly as W takes D8 to hospital for a check up. Cooking is part of my GAL.

Had a very decent chat with W last night when dropping kids off. Invited in etc whilst she got them ready. She always knows when I am coming but is never ready. House was very untidy. She's not very tidy in fairness. And the kids are kids, but you have to keep on top of it and get them involved.

So chat went well but TBH I just wanted to get out of there after 15 mins or so as I find her uncomfortable to listen to for long periods of time. At present I just don't trust what she is saying - her conversation breaks down into.:

- moaning about something (I validate rather than saying what I think - stop manning about unimportant things, GAL, be genuinely happy - you control this!!!)
- telling you what you need to do (things that you know, I validate rather than revealing my real)
- telling you what she thinks about something (I don't often see eye to eye with this, so guess what, I validate).

I validate because I think it helps right now. But nobody wants a yes man so I am going to flip to challenging her, nicely, soon as always being like this drives me numb.

Part of this of approach is about her feelings and my listening is facilitating her sharing, little by little, which is helping her as I validate how she feels but - crikey I find it hard. I am very black and white in my mind and this stuff drives me mad when I am not in the mood for it.

I always make sure I look good,casual but good when she turns up. She turned up looking nice today and has for the last week - not sure who that's for, her, me etc. Not sure I care really.

As W has taken D8 for her appointment we will bake cheesecake. Just having a cuddle whilst S6 watches something on the iPad. We love our boy days we play computer games, make things, draw, be a bit lazy. When both are with me they will either play or we will go out and do something. Bike ride, swimming cinema, bowling etc. It's a bit chilly today and given D8 is on crutches we will be having an easy day. I think I might take them out for dinner tonight. Not sure.

W seemed a bit 'lost' today when she picked up D8. Just tinge of it in her. I think she struggles when there is nobody to talk to at home.

I am not wearing my ring today. My DB Coach recommends it....seems Normal.

Not much more to add really. State of mind - content and relaxed. Kids are good. Wife slightly 'lost'. Ambitions - none, mildly anxious that she is not pushing mediation forward but hey. Do I want to get back together. Not at the moment.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Question. So finances are protected by passwords - apart from £75k which my W has access to. She has only withdrawn £30k. I am also paying her monthly sum broadly equivalent (potentially slightly more) to what the law requires. She is financially okay for now, has plenty of new clothes so do the kids, gets out and on holiday as do the kids, just bought furniture etc. But she needs to move forward - either progress the D or reconcile. I don't want myself or the kids hanging on in here. 'Limbo'. But I won't push anything right now.

Not sure what to do. I could write to her via L and ask her if she is going to progress 'her' Mediation (I have filled out forms, she has not - 3 months on...). Could also advise that she must not withdraw the additional £45k as she has a monthly sum coming in - which is not being spent it seems? Sit tight? Not sure.

Any experience in this field people? If not, any thoughts?

Surfer.

[Cadet]

Do what you need to do to protect the 45k.
So by what you wrote that is how much is now in the account?

I do not live in UK but You have given her 30k and unless you have a legal agreement protecting it she now is entitled to half the balance or could just spend it all.

Do not trust her.

[roist]

You can validate without agreeing or being a yes man.

The coach said not to wear ring? Was this to show you are moving on or why?

Even if you have other finances, listen to cadets advice.

If your W wants back and you don't,she will change into someone you may want back. Maybe she is not interesting to you now, but she may not be the same person later.

Best wishes

[Surfer]

The coach said not to wear ring? Was this to show you are moving on or why?

To see how she reacted. Nothing really. A bit friendlier and then more detached. Not sure if it means anything. Seems like game playing to me. Not a massive fan.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Thanks Cadet and Roist. Much Appreciated.

RE: "Even if you have other finances, listen to cadets advice". I hear you. The only way I can stop her is through a L letter. This will make her come to the table on mediation. It was her choice to mediate but I really would like my W back. However, I really don't want this person. I guess I might as well look at it S exorcism. IDK.

If she is staying still I need to get her to advise what we are 'now' doing. Before, S and D (her choice) now nothing. Just nothing. It's not helpful for me or the kids.

I would welcome any thoughts. From anyone with knowledge or an opinion that is familiar with DB principles.

Thank you.

Surfer.