Confused on What to Do 2

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Went to my sons cub scout meeting tonight where I got a little depressed. Saw several moms and dads there with their sons tonight and of course my mind wanders to my M or lack there of. I had a hard time concentrating and I was really frustrated at myself but I couldn't focus on anything else. I also was checking out the mom's at the meeting (not in a sexual way) and they don't remind me of my W anymore. These women seemed to be mom's first regardless of their careers and I can't see my W that way anymore. A couple of months ago I could see my W at one of these meetings interacting with the kids and giving it her full attention. Now I think if she went she would spend the whole time on her phone texting or scrolling through facebook.

Moms at cub scouts. I was right there with you until I got to the second paragraph...and saw she was at home with your 2 year old.

Even if you guys were doing great, one of you would have been home with your two year old.

Even if she had gone she would have been texting...mind reading, and if your going to do that make it good. Even if she had gone, she would have been painting pentagrams and trying to summon devils to rain down vengeance on the enemies of the pack. THAT sounds cooler.

I don't even know what started the conversation, but she tells me there are about 4 or 5 guys that consistently flirt with her. She said she doesn't know why, maybe it was all the weight she has lost. I wanted to say it might be the weight but it also might be the fact that you dress like you're going to the clubs/bars instead of going to work, but I kept my mouth shut.

Glad you kept your mouth shut.
Sounds like she might be fishing for a compliment from you, I forget is that one of her complaints about the past?

Every interaction you have is a possible opportunity.

"Maybe because you dress like your going out to a club with $5 pitchers."

or

"You're a beautiful woman, I can certainly understand why."

or

nothing.

One costs you. One gains you. One is status quo.

I know she really doesn't want anything to do with me

The way you describe your weekends and that fact that she talks with you...sort of makes that untrue.

My W made a comment to me last night that I act like everything is fine. I think she means that I am usually in a good mood around her and I interact with her. I don't know what she trying to say and maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I told her everything was not fine. I told her if everything was fine we wouldn't be living like we are living.

OMG...

Eagle,

with hindsight...

can you come up with a better response in your post below this?

OK so here are a few tricks that served me well.

First piece of advice is from Thumpers Mom.

"If you can't say something nice STFU!" I think thats what she said or something to that effect.

Practice things you are going to say. I mean it practice, say them outloud to yourself. Have a PLAN of how you are going to respond instead of letting your instinct take over, because your instinct wants to remind her with little barbs that you are hurting and this suckss. AND yes it suckss (haha censor!).
But you are going to show her that you are making the best of
a bad situation with grace and dignity.

[job]

Eagle,

Have you thought about giving your wife compliments on things she does and how she is dressed. Compliments go a long way when you have someone who is in crisis. I know you probably don't think she deserves to be recognized for doing some good things...but sometimes, it goes a long way. Maybe she is fishing for your reaction since she continues to bring up the om, and then again, maybe she wants you to take notice of her, as a woman and not just the mother of your children.

As for the cub scout meeting, someone would have had to stay at home w/the youngest child unless you got a sitter. You do realize she could have been out having a grand old time and left you holding the bag for both kids. Some do that.

Of course, the women at the cub scout meeting don't remind you of your wife any more...because she's not them. Right now, she's most likely in crisis and guess what...your wife is like the mirror image of her old self. She's acting like a teenager at times and that's part of the journey for her. The feelings she had for you are stuffed very, very low into her soul right now because the issue stuff has come to the surface. I know this journey is difficult, but you've got to stop expecting her to act a certain way.

Learn to listen to what she's saying. If you can that, you'll learn more about where her head is at at this time. You have to sift through the mumbo jumbo and believe me, they do love to talk and brag about the stuff they are doing. I get it, you don't want to hear it, but this is one of the keys that we need to learn...to be better listeners and dig deeper for more patience.

I agree...if you can't find anything nice to say, then don't say anything. The more you point out about the way you are living right now, the more guilt you are piling on her. You want to make your home a safe place for her to land and hopefully wake up some day and realize that you are the one she wants to stay with. The more negative things that you say to her, the less likely she's going to open up to you.

When in doubt, do nothing, say nothing.

[Eagle11]

Glad you kept your mouth shut.
Sounds like she might be fishing for a compliment from you, I forget is that one of her complaints about the past?

Jack,
One of her complaints was that I didn't compliment her enough on her looks. Whenever I did compliment her she wouldn't take it seriously because she doesn't have much self esteem. I guess I could have went for the compliment in this situation, but I honestly didn't know if I should so went with nothing. I am unsure how to give her compliments right now, because I don't know how she will react.

I know she really doesn't want anything to do with me

The way you describe your weekends and that fact that she talks with you...sort of makes that untrue.

I guess I didn't really look at it like that. I guess I should stop trying to figure her out. It's a losing battle. My mind is all over the place with her. Your right though, she could shut me out completely, but she hasn't. She just texted me to let me know she got to her work destination ok and wrote her back hoping her meetings go ok. She didn't have to do that. I know she said she wants to friendly for our kids, but she has had conversations that were even friendly when they were nowhere around.

OMG...

Eagle,

with hindsight...

"If you can't say something nice STFU!" I think thats what she said or something to that effect.

Practice things you are going to say. I mean it practice, say them outloud to yourself. Have a PLAN of how you are going to respond instead of letting your instinct take over, because your instinct wants to remind her with little barbs that you are hurting and this suckss. AND yes it suckss (haha censor!).
But you are going to show her that you are making the best of
a bad situation with grace and dignity.

I actually do practice things to say to her all the time. If people could see me walking around my house talking to myself they would think I'm nuts. Her comment caught me off guard as I never expected it. It totally came out of the blue, the conversation went from flirting guys to I somehow act like everything is ok. I didn't respond in anger, but I know it was a stupid thing to say.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

We are all nuts in this can of MLC.

When she is nice, compliment.

Since you already practice, have a few easily used common sayings.

People with low self esteem, tend to need the compliments more, even if it seems like they don't like them.

Reminder.

Every (decent/good) interaction on her part is an opportunity for you.

Every single one.

[Eagle11]

Have you thought about giving your wife compliments on things she does and how she is dressed. Compliments go a long way when you have someone who is in crisis. I know you probably don't think she deserves to be recognized for doing some good things...but sometimes, it goes a long way. Maybe she is fishing for your reaction since she continues to bring up the om, and then again, maybe she wants you to take notice of her, as a woman and not just the mother of your children.

Job,
I have thought about this and I honestly don't really know what to do. I have wanted to compliment her on her looks, but I was afraid it would be considered as me pursuing her, which would push her away. I have not commented her on her looks since this started unless she has asked me. She is so self conscious and has low self esteem. I told her once that I can't win by complimenting her because she doesn't believe me and she admitted that might be partially true.

Learn to listen to what she's saying. If you can that, you'll learn more about where her head is at at this time. You have to sift through the mumbo jumbo and believe me, they do love to talk and brag about the stuff they are doing. I get it, you don't want to hear it, but this is one of the keys that we need to learn...to be better listeners and dig deeper for more patience.

I do need to listen better. I also think I need to stop twisting some of what she says. I think I sometimes overthink what she is saying if that makes sense. Sometimes when we talk she has our conversations go all over the place. Last night started about the cub scouts, moved to something she was watching on tv, then to these other guys, then to etc. She doesn't stay on topic very well and that's why she catches me off guard.

I agree...if you can't find anything nice to say, then don't say anything. The more you point out about the way you are living right now, the more guilt you are piling on her. You want to make your home a safe place for her to land and hopefully wake up some day and realize that you are the one she wants to stay with. The more negative things that you say to her, the less likely she's going to open up to you.

When in doubt, do nothing, say nothing.

This is good. I try to stay positive with her and I think that's why she made the comment that I act like nothings wrong. When she is not around you wouldn't believe the stuff I say about her or the stuff I'm going to do in regards to our M. I usually pull it together by the time we see each other and put on my happy face for her.

[Eagle11]

We are all nuts in this can of MLC.

When she is nice, compliment.

Since you already practice, have a few easily used common sayings.

People with low self esteem, tend to need the compliments more, even if it seems like they don't like them.

Reminder.

Every (decent/good) interaction on her part is an opportunity for you.

Every single one.

Jack I will remember this. I will try to compliment her when the time is right and it feels natural and not pushy.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I will try to compliment her when the time is right and it feels natural and not pushy.

Don't wait too long, Eagle. Not much in your situation is going to feel right or natural...So I sort of wonder when you might do that.

As for pushy? That's a judgement call. A simple compliment isn't like pressing for a date.

[Eagle11]

[quote]
Don't wait too long, Eagle. Not much in your situation is going to feel right or natural...So I sort of wonder when you might do that.

As for pushy? That's a judgement call. A simple compliment isn't like pressing for a date.

Jack, I will take your advice. If she looks good, I will tell her. I guess as long a I don't go overboard or appear that I'm trying too hard then it will be good. I have complimented her on other things since this all started but I haven't on her appearance because I just thought it would seem like I'm pursuing.

[Cristy]

Hi Eagle11,

It is going to sound like an echo around here, but I have to agree with everyone regarding the cake eating that you wife is enjoying.

Good news that she is noticing your changes. She could be temperature checking you to be sure that you are still a viable plan B when things with OM #TBD don't work out.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Eagle11]

My mom texted me tonight asking if her and my dad can come see my boys in October. I told her I'm not sure right now. For anyone who didn't read my previous thread or doesn't remember I told my mom about the marriage problems early on and it was a mistake. She furious at my wife and wanted me to get out of the M. I also told my mom not to tell anything to my sister because my sister is impulsive and I guess you could say she is not afraid to speak her mind. My mom kept that promise for a couple of weeks but then ended up telling my sister who of course goes on facebook and posts something about my W (without calling her out by name). My W comes home and tells me what my sister said. My W doesn't blame me but asks me to talk to my mom about this. I ask my mom the next day about it and she blows up at me and calls me a bunch of names and other things. My mom and my sister also stop following my W on facebook and my sister makes another post about my W. My W complains to me again about my sister and decides to block both my mom and my sister from following her on facebook. The next day my mom apologizes to me via text,but I haven't really spoke with my mom since other that a few text about my sons.

So tonight she texts me they want to come down in October. I immediately think this is a bad idea. I don't want my parents anywhere near my wife. This would only make my sitch worse. My mom says they will stay in a hotel and come pick up the boys and bring them back to the hotel. I still tell I'm not sure right now. She texts me that she doesn't understand and I just tell her I'm sorry. She then questions if I even still have the boys (she must think my W took them away from me), and I assure her I do. She asks why I won't let her skype with them and I tell she can, but she doesn't write back. Such a bizarre situation and I regret ever telling my mom about this. I didn't tell her everything, but just enough. Last week my W actually asked me if my parents would be coming down anytime soon because if they were she was going out of town because she doesn't want to see them.


One other thing happened tonight. About 9:00 my W calls me from her hotel phone because apparently her phone went black on her and she can't get it to work. I wanted to tell her she might have killed it from the 500 text messages she sends on it everyday, but I was good and kept my mouth shut. She had this same problem a couple of weeks ago and I fixed it, but when she tried the fix tonight it didn't work. Anyway, she wanted to know if I could call her room tomorrow to wake her up for work. I said ok, but I'm wondering why she doesn't just get a wake up call from the front desk? Maybe she just misses my cheerful voice in the morning (that's a joke). I guess this does means there was probably no action with OM #1 tonight. I also snooped in the phone records after this call from her. I have been better lately but I had to see if she was texting anyone when this phone died and I discovered she had been texting both OM. They both sent her a text and then her phone died so now they are probably wondering wth is happening. I actually find it quite amusing. She is depressed because her phone died right in the middle of texting and the guys are probably wondering what happened to her.

Still, when she has problems she looks to me to fix them. She asked if I knew how to fix the phone for her. Then she asks me to wake her up in the morning. She could have asked the front desk or the lady she is traveling with to give her a call, but nope she asks me. A couple of weeks ago she got a ticket for apparently texting or looking at emails while driving. Guess who the first person she calls after the incident? She called me to complain about it.