Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

Link to my previous thread.

I'm ready for the weekend to begin. Just asked my S6 if he wanted to get a haircut tomorrow and he said yes. I told him I would take him because I wanted mine done too. My wife was shocked that I was going to get a haircut because I have always cut my own really short, but my hair has grown out and I figured lets try a different look for the new me. I didn't tell her that was the reason, but I figure a new look might make me feel better. I asked her why she was so surprised and she made a comment about all the changes I have been making. I didn't say anything, but I felt good inside because at least she acknowledged that she notices. I know it might not make a difference but it is nice to know that the work I have been putting in is at least noticed.

I also thought some more about my wife and the EA #2 that is probably happening. I'm not really mad that this is going on, but it makes me sad for her. I feel sad because she is so desperate for attention and affection that she is now in an EA with a guy that just a month ago she despised. I can feel like something is going on because when she got home the last 2 nights I get the same vibes I was getting from her when she was starting EA #1. I can feel she is hiding something and she seemed stressed right now. Like maybe she is feeling guilty. I was outside playing with the boys when she got home and she came outside but I could sense the stress and tension in her as soon as she walked out. Don't worry I don't have any plans to say anything.

[CT1118]

Your first paragraph was entirely awesome until the last sentence. What do you mean "...it might not make a difference..." It was sounding like it made a difference to you, and making a difference to you is exactly how you make a difference to not only your wife, but to everyone you meet and know - that is the entire point of DB - to make the difference in you. Of course it makes a difference.

Your entire second paragraph was mind reading.

PS - I think its really cool that your son actually wants to get a haircut with you. I'm 41 and would not want a haircut with my dad, mostly because he is cheap and gets terrible haircuts. Pay bucks for it brother, I promise women notice nice haircuts on men, because they buy expensive haircuts for themselves.

[Eagle11]

CT118,

Thanks for the words. I see what you mean about making a difference to me. I think doing something new even if its as simple as getting a haircut will be a nice change in my life. Maybe just mixing up the routine that I always do will have a positive change in my mindset. I need to do more, but I have been trying to change my usual mindsets when it comes to things. Maybe step out of my comfort zone a little.

I hope you have a great weekend.

[job]

Eagle,

Whatever changes you make, you make them for you. You don't do them to get her reaction. Your journey is all about you and what will make you happy at the end of the day.

[AndrewP]

I promise women notice nice haircuts on men, because they buy expensive haircuts for themselves.

Wow - I get to disagree with CT1118 in part.

My own preference is to go to a "real" barber which is getting very hard to find now. I've been going to the same guy for over 25 years with two gaps when I grew my hair out the last one ending on BD2 when it was half-way down my back.

It may sound sexist (and completely off topic) but to me a male barber who is trained as a barber rather than as a "stylist" will do a far better job and at a cheaper price (I paid $18 today). And yes - I've been told that I look great One of the reasons it's so cheap is because the barber is mostly just doing this for fun and for something to do while he counts down the clock until he retires and one of the last of his breed disappears from my area forever. He's fairly well off having been a barber with his own shop for his entire career and his wife has a comfortable office job. Right now he's on a plane for a couple of weeks in Europe with his wife.

One other things for us LBH out there is for the ultimate pamper, find one of the very few old-school barbers out there who does a proper shave complete with hot towels. Absolute masculine decadence.

We now return you to your regular program.

[AJM]

Hi Eagle.

Thanks for the words. I see what you mean about making a difference to me. I think doing something new even if its as simple as getting a haircut will be a nice change in my life. Maybe just mixing up the routine that I always do will have a positive change in my mindset. I need to do more, but I have been trying to change my usual mindsets when it comes to things. Maybe step out of my comfort zone a little.

What you may not realize just yet, is exactly what you are starting to do is the best thing you can do. Mixing things up keeps your brain sharper. It causes you to change focus and can be a good outlet for you during this stress.
Depression is thought to be anger turned inward. But it's also sadness at the situation. Try to work through those feelings because you'll have to feel them. At some point at least. The sooner you do, the better for you.
Your therapist is very smart and you got some great advice and perspective here. And I totally understand what you mean about talking to somebody who listens. I felt the same way with the IC. I can tell you that Job's words were very true in my case. My MLCr went to therapy but felt that there was nothing wrong with her. That's when the MC became my IC. My ex told stories to the C that changed each week. The C thought I was an abusive father, a monster, an ogre and much taller But it was the third session when she took me aside and let me know she understood what was going on and began to help me regain my perspective. Without that help, I'm not sure I would have done as well as I did nor as quickly. Keep going. You'll know when it is time to stop talking to her.

And keep trying new things for YOU. That's the key - doing things for YOU and your son.

You may want to look at an old thread here - Caliguy. And see the changes in his perspective as he went on. I think you'll find it useful.

AJ

[CT1118]

Eagle11 -

How was your day? Thoughts of you and your son's man. Had a great day myself, which included my boy, hope you might say the same. I may even take him to the beach for pancakes in the morning!

[Eagle11]

AJM,

I'm definitely going to keep going to the therapist. I am actually looking forward to the next session. She is going to start working on me more in upcoming sessions, but we have spent a ton of time on my M right now because of all the drama that seems to be happening every week. There are things in my past that I think I need to work out that I'm hoping she can help me with. I think things in my upbringing contributed to where the M is now.

Also, I will keep trying new things. I think I am going to sign my S6 and me up for a camping trip in October with his cub scout troop. This is totally not me. I have never been an outdoors person, I've always been a city boy. So this will definitely be out of my element, but I am looking forward to the challenge and bonding time with my son.

[Eagle11]

Eagle11 -

How was your day? Thoughts of you and your son's man. Had a great day myself, which included my boy, hope you might say the same. I may even take him to the beach for pancakes in the morning!

CT1118,

I'm so happy to hear about you and your S getting to bond. There really is nothing like it. I have a new appreciation for my kids now that I am going through all of this stuff.

I had a great day with my S6. My W had to go into work until 12 pm yesterday but after she got home I took my S and I to get our haircuts. He was awesome and I think we both are looking pretty good with our new haircuts. After the haircuts I took him shopping for some things for him and then a quick bite to eat.

The only thing I'm not sure about yesterday is that my W and I watched football yesterday together. Our team was playing, but she never really watched much of the games in the past with me unless we were actually at the game. She would often go to our room and read a book or something because she would say she was too nervous to watch. Well yesterday we sat next to each other and she watched the whole game with me. It was kind of odd and nice at the same time. We didn't talk about our relationship or anything. We just talked about the game and maybe a little small talk about nothing really important. Then after the game I was flipping through the channels and saw a movie I liked and she sat and watched that with me too. Our sons were in the room with us playing on their tablets. It was almost like normal.

Then this morning I got up early and went to the driving range to work on my golf swing. When I got home my S6 was upset because he wanted us to buy him some game online and for the first time I can remember my W told him no and sent him to his room because he was throwing a fit. She was explaining that you need to work for you money and you can't just get whatever you want. After she was done she saw me staring at her and I must have had a weird expression on my face because she asked what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong but I never thought I would hear her discipline our son about money (my W has never worried about money and always bought whatever she wanted). She gave him a lecture that I would have gave. She just gave a laugh and headed off to the gym. Before leaving she asked what NFL games were on today (which is even more unusual than her watching the college game yesterday with me).

[CT1118]

Great work keeping it cool. Sounds like you should keep doing what you are doing. You don't sound overconfident or results dependant, which is good. The MLC is a long road. I hope you keep it up.
I don't play golf, but I used to build landscapes on golf courses. I have been told that I have turned down free tee plays a places that people would chop a pinky toe off to be at. I do like golf landscapes, so breathe the fresh pair and enjoy.