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Mighty #2720708 12/12/16 10:37 PM
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Ah, girl. It's rotten, I know.

Just let your daughter make her own decision. And if she goes, just remember, in the long run it's probably better for her if she has some kind of relationship with her dad.

kml #2721074 12/14/16 06:53 PM
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Hi Ellie! Thank you, and yes, you are correct. Also, rotten, it is!

Yes, I keep mum about ins and outs of the r that d15 and her dad forge. Trying to be positive, while finding the balance of protecting her... there is a very fine line. Usually, our conversations about it are VERY brief. She will give me a quick update, not looking for a response, but more of an ear. That's what I try to provide, allowing her to figure it out.

The most I've said is that she needs to NOT use him, as she knew she could pretty much get whatever she wanted the few times they would spend together a year, which mainly consisted of a trip to the mall.
I advised her that if she wanted to build a real r with him, then that's what she should do, but she shouldn't use anybody for anything. And contrary to what people have said about getting what she can from him, I feel that the focus need to be deeper, not materialistic. As far as that goes, she can go without or work for it herself. That was the biggest message I wanted to get across to her.

So her response to the Fun-Filled Christmas Event? Well, we hadn't discussed it, so I didn't know what to expect. And I never bring it up, I let her come to me.

Last night, d15 had a bball game. JV was still playing, so she was just watching. She came over to me and told me her dad was mad at her bc she is babysitting that night and can't go. He told her he was disappointed and knew she would cancel (but she never confirmed??? He asked her and she said she would let him know... ) Then she said, "Now he's leaving... look!"

I didn't even notice he was there. (Wow, times have changed from my PTSD days!) And I saw him walk out the door. He literally drove all the way from a different town, didn't see her play, and left bc she wasn't going. (Which he was texting her across the gym)

Unreal. There are so many levels I get upset about my d and how he constantly messes with her before her games and things. Things that should be about her, he always makes about him and his situation. I just want him to let her be. And the momma-bear in me wants to tell him to stop doing that to her... and to build a r with her without the drama.

However, I know it will fall on deaf, toddler ears. It will only be an opportunity for him to point a finger at me (which I don't care), and I just want him to support her... without strings attached. Ugh.

Mighty #2721166 12/15/16 10:11 AM
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Hi Might,

I am happy to hear you are well. As a matter of fact, upon my quick catch up, I did a triple salchow, triple toe loop in your honor.

Enjoy the holiday season:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Hi. I feel somewhat like an imposter. I don't know the newcomers 'round here... so I suppose they don't know me. I have poked in a little bit as of late. No reason in particular. Kind of checked out Ownit a lil' bit... I can relate. Saw Heather in the mix- HEY GIRL!

My beloved vets still status quo with life-time advice I still pull from my pocket...

I don't know. It's a journey to say the least. I can't say I'm struggling anymore... as the struggle was REAL! But, its funny-ish how the cycling still continues. Just differently. Quite differently.

It used to be that about every three months... after the ultimate chaos, I could plan on something going down. I mean, I am still the champion of NC. I am competitive, and like being a champion (jk... kind of), but the NC was more about survival. And at this point more about necessity. Not that I NEED to be NC, but I haven't had a need TO contact. Simple as that. Even so, with NC, about every 3 months, something would stir. That is, until things really settled down. I moved, started a new life and all that jazz.

Anyway, personally, lately, my mind has been wondering. Not missing or regretful, or sad, or anything particular, really. It's just been taking me on a roller coaster ride. I don't necessarily dig that. With that, all of a sudden, things have been poking up!

I need to backtrack for a sec.. cuz that's my brain.

I started a new life. In a new town. A new house. New whatever.
Recently, my xsil's contacted me and want to go to dinner. I haven't seen them in over 4 years- almost 5. XBIL, who lived next door to me and I NEEDED to move away from (partly why I moved last year) is now my mailman in my new town. SAY WHAT?! He wasn't a mailman before and lives in a different county. Like the odds of him getting THIS route?!

After much agonizing, I have decided to take xh back to task. I have contacted my l and sending out official stuff soon bc he is not holding up to everything he should, financially. I cut my losses and really took some severe financial devastation in order to just move on. The fact that with that, and him not withholding his end of the deal is trash. Albeit, I haven't completely pushed the issue, I'm sick of him getting away with being a snake.

So, it took some time to prepare myself and a few meetings w my l, who is now on vacation. It should go out soon.

Ironically... I have since found out the following has happened in the past 6 months

(Actually knew a few prior): Two vacations in 4 months; engagement ring; new, very expensive sports car; new very expensive suv,

Now I learned, the just installed a new inground pool, have a wedding in a month (prob a honeymoon attached)

My point is two-fold. One, they have a lot of money going out as of late.. on top of very expensive living and lifestyle. And we are living a TOTALLY different lifestyle than usual. Seems he's upgraded while we downgraded. BUt really, who cares.

Just crummy for s20 now who works 60 hours construction (ironwork) all summer to try to pay for his own college (with my help, also working numerous jobs), and his dad won't help him out at all.

Secondly, just found out about wedding. Just something to process. But simply that.... ya know....

Then, today... as I was traversing back into my old town, where remains of my past still exist, along with a few things I haven't replaced... like my dr, where I was headed today, I saw hww. This was quite an unusual occurrence. I probably would have a very difficult time picking her out of a line-up. But, knowing what I know of her... over-processed, greasy hair. The style. The look. In her mom's neighborhood. I know. And the feeling. I just know. AND, I didn't pull over and kick her @ss. I know. That doesn't happen here. I and I now better. Something primal in me though... when dealing with her... ugh.

Anyway, I haven't been able to shake this feeling over the last couple of weeks. I always feel it when something is about to go down. Or shake up. Or whatever.

Then I hear from sil's, xh comes around, decide to go to l, find out wedding is around the corner, then see her.

(The irony isn't lost upon me that I was headed to the dr's to get another check-up as I still haven't been cleared from surgery.. how long ago?? from THEM)

This is really after quite a long time of nothing.

D16 went to dinner with him recently (as she does about every 6 weeks ago or so.. quality time, I supppose). She told me a few days later that she asked him a question and told him she didn't care if he was uncomfortable.

D16: Do you miss the 4 of us being together?

XH: yeah

D16: Do you miss mom's family?

XH: To be honest, yes.

D16: Do you really miss being with mom too? You aren't just saying that?

XH: Yeah, sometimes

Honestly, it took her a few days to tell me. And it makes me sad to think about what prompted her to even ask those questions. And it's kind of... ugh... whatev

I don't know, guys. I don't know that anyone will read this. It may be insignificant at this point. It's just crazy to me... this journey it takes you on. I can hear the vets.. and got to a place where I never though I would, simply as an unemotional, detached bystander. Then, every once in a while... things feel a little weird. Not anything like before. But I guess more like a cliffhanger... like, what's next?

Life sure is interesting...

Mighty #2754999 08/04/17 03:55 PM
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Mighty!!!!!!

Good to hear from you, girl. I cannot BELIEVE your ex-bil is now your mailman!!!

It's rotten to hear that he's spending all this money but not helping son with college. My youngest hasn't spoken to his father in two years, all the financial help he needs falls on me (son is struggling with serious depression and anxiety).

I think it makes it way harder that he's still with the OW. At least, thank god, my ex married someone he met a year after we split. I feel kinda sorry for her but hope she will care for my ex in his old age.

I haven't had to speak with him in quite some time. Just some emails last year because he was sending me some papers I had to sign about a piece of land in Mexico that he got in the divorce. I like it that way. I hear he's had a lot of unhappy events in his life the last two years. ( His much younger wife's parents died, his father diagnosed with lung cancer, his stepfather died, his mom diagnosed with Parkinson's, and him diagnosed with an old fracture in his neck, which means he can't surf. )

I don't wish him any ill, but I'm glad he's not my problem any more. I hope he's able to heal his relationships with the kids but that's not under my control.

Just don't fall into the trap of thinking it's all roses and champagne over there. You know she trapped him in that relationship with her pregnancy. If he was that enthusiastic he'd probably have married her long ago. She's probably being Bridezilla and he's probably buying stuff still trying to make himself happy.

I'm glad you're standing up to him on the financial stuff. Just let your lawyer handle it and get back to living your life. Dream some dreams! Do something new! The more we let go and allow ourselves to dream our own dreams, the more good stuff happens.

kml #2755058 08/05/17 03:59 AM
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Hey Lady!!!!

Sounds like a mixed bag of events.

Not quite the Romeo and Juliet story I envisioned at 19.

Unless Romeo finally caves to his lifelong obsession with marijuana and alcohol--in part due to childhood trauma-- and Juliet takes the two kids and moves to North Carolina. And, Romeo lives in misery and regret and HEAVY denial for the rest of his days looking about 40 years older than he is.

Maybe that was the alternative ending?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2755217 08/06/17 04:47 PM
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Ellie! Hey, girl! OMG, when I see you post to others, I'm so like... yeah, this girl calls it. Like totally. So on it. Your perceptions are so accurate an on. You'd be so totally the chick I'd hang with if you were close by.

And yeah, he's my freaking mailman. I mean.. the odds?? Couldn't get far enough away from this person. But honestly, it's whatev right now. I don't really cross paths with him. My mom, however was taken aback a couple weeks ago when she ran into him on my porch. Ha! She's all worked up about it!

Hi Heather! Wow, girl. You are something! I'll tell you what, if Romeo didn't drink the eternal poison that keeps him asleep forever and sees that Juliet has lived a whole life without him, (especially one that he could have been apart of) then I think he will seriously be regretful. But in the meantime, Juliet is getting her JULIET on! Atta girl... good on you!

Ya know, guys... things are good with me too... but there is a part of me that struggles that I rarely acknowledge. Its the one waiting for everything there to crash and burn. Donno if its part of a survival tactic I've developed or what... but honestly.... ugh...

I keep on keeping on. Never want that mess back... but I just feel this sort of unresolved garbage. Not entirely sure what to do with it. I do me. I'm happy. But it's always on the back-burner, and no matter what I try to make of it or ignore it.. it persistently simmers. There... always... will it ever stop?

Mighty #2755226 08/06/17 07:04 PM
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Aww, Mighty - you had a rough go of it, you never really got much resolution, the way your ex hid his affair, did the touch and go, the OW getting pregnant. I understand.
But the mantra that got me through my divorce was this: let go or be dragged. Once I truly let go, I was able to move forward.

I know you'd like to see him punished. But living well really is the best revenge. My ex has the beach house and the hot young wife and the income that's twice mine. But as I mentioned above, that idyllic life didn't last long before the reality of mortality reared its ugly head.

Meanwhile, I've made my way. I've had my dating adventures ( and misadventures!) but I wouldn't trade the experiences. I don't have the disposable income my ex does, but my finances are in good shape nonetheless. I've made progress professionally, and have been fortunate to learn to play drums and vibraphone and have toured with a professional singer-songwriter friend. Tonight I played with her in a prestigious local venue - one I have aspired to play at ( and a venue where I have seen many famous acts in the past).

My point is - letting go, and accepting that my ex was gone on his own path, and that I wasn't responsible for him anymore - freed me to pursue a life that I would never have had with my ex.

What are you doing in your life for YOU right now? What do you aspire to? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail. You

kml #2755305 08/07/17 04:50 AM
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Mighty

Always good to see some updates from those who have been at this for some time. We figure things out and roll up our sleeves and attempt to go on about our 'new' lives but its hard if not impossible to check that mirror to see who is tailgating us from time to time.
I agree with the sentiment above, seems he is simply trying to fill the empty with the new rush, car, SUV, pool, wedding.
I do hope you come back more often and keep us posted as with so many here its good to see where people are several years past BD though the trend and urge is to just move on.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Mighty #2755348 08/07/17 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted By: Mighty
Ellie! Hey, girl! OMG, when I see you post to others, I'm so like... yeah, this girl calls it. Like totally. So on it. Your perceptions are so accurate an on. You'd be so totally the chick I'd hang with if you were close by.

And yeah, he's my freaking mailman.
I mean.. the odds?? Couldn't get far enough away from this person.

I like my h's only sibling but this^^ would make me nuts.



Ya know, guys... things are good with me too... but there is a part of me that struggles that I rarely acknowledge Its the one waiting for everything there to crash and burn. Donno if its part of a survival tactic I've developed or what... but honestly.... ugh...

I think you are still trying to make sense of a big event in your life. A huge injustice. And most of us have felt this or still are.

Your d spoke to him (indirectly) about this and it is probably as close as he'll get to admitting he screwed up. The shiny outer facade is pretty meaningless. If I remarried and the guy was a billionaire, I would not then think "i won!"

And if your h can hurt the people who loved him the most, and emerge unscathed, then he is not one to feel anything in depth. Or authentically.

And if he is haunted by what he did and simply won't ever tell you or tell anyone, then so be it. I mean, it's sort of either or. Maybe I'm only saying this to console myself (and I for sure am partly for that!) I have no secrets in my life.

I cannot make sense of this type of behavior in another way. Your h can have those haunted feelings every time there is a big event, good or bad. Graduations, weddings, funerals, and other life events, -

every time he has one big event only with his new life/new fan base, he knows it's not the "original" one. That it might have been with the "real" family, but for his choices...so he can have a life filled with second guessing.

And if you all share a family event with him, he will always be the one who left, who knows that he blew up the original family and - for what? Her greatness? Ugh...

or More money?? Oh wait, about that money, some of is what he withholds from you and the kids you share...

when the day comes that someone (you) actually calls him on it, it might be the first time it occurs to him that he's selfish and oblivious. Oh well.

But to be clear, there's a better than even chance he just won't go there at all - keeping his observations shallow. There is a good chance he cannot look deeply within and face the wreckage he created, and thus he must hide a part of himself even from himself.

I think the best second guessing is what he'll do when he knows you are happy and content.

Maybe it'll get easier when your d16 is out of the house --but that has a downside too, obviously

I keep on keeping on. Never want that mess back... but I just feel this sort of unresolved garbage. Not entirely sure what to do with it. I do me. I'm happy. But it's always on the back-burner, and no matter what I try to make of it or ignore it.. it persistently simmers. There... always... will it ever stop?


God I sure the simmers stop, and I'm not even at the one year BD mark.

As for your other remarks, which I identify with a lot, I will quote Caroline Myss and a dear friend and late great poster here - Jack3Beans (RIP) b/c I found them all helpful and comforting. I hope you will as well.


**I hope the LBS realizes that many of the 'why' questions they absolutely think they have to have an answer too...they really do not. Everyone dies with unanswered questions, but that doesn't prevent us from living. Why should these?

In many cases the WAS answers are NOT good enough for the LBS anyway, so they keep digging, and damage any repairs that have been made.

Stop asking.

Caroline Myss --
"Endless questioning is endless suffering."


Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. -


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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