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Ciluzen, thanks for your 2 cents - but I'm not remotely worried about an emotional affair. The other parents in Playland were staring because Liz made a bit of a spectacle - we hadn't seen each other in 26 years. She's always been like a sister to me. We have a similar sense of humor and shared attitudes about things - but we have walked and continue to walk very different paths. I can't develop feelings for anyone else until I deal with this sitch. Another woman is the last thing on my mind right now.


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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Sure, go ahead Job. Thanks.


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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Be careful Brubeck with your friend. Feelings could develop and you are carrying a lot of baggage right now. I read what you say and I believe you, right now. Just be careful.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Be careful Brubeck with your friend. Feelings could develop and you are carrying a lot of baggage right now. I read what you say and I believe you, right now. Just be careful.



As a wise man once told me....

Don't let her off the hook for this...


When you understand that.....???

Then you will be seeing the bigger picture...

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Going through all of your posts, I notice all you ever do is talk about your W and her issues like you're her shrink. But you really glossed over this point from your first post..."I made mistakes in our M. I've handled all our finances (paid off W's school loan & credit card debt), dealing with the bills every month made me a cheapskate when it came to fun. I didn't splurge on weekend getaways or fancy dinners. She could buy whatever she wanted for herself, but I certainly didn't take her out much"

That's what contributed to the marriage crisis. How have you changed this?

And sorry if I missed it, but did you read DB or DR all the way or did you just read about MLC?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Brubeck...

If you haven't figured it out yet by reading the threads here, the people who post are pretty insightful...

Finish DB. It's really important and will help you immensely in navigating the situation.

I understand wanting people to tell you you aren't crazy or the reason for all of this...

There is a whole forum. You aren't crazy.

That being said, we ALL have things that contribute to the downfall of the marriage.

It would be wonderful to just be able to sit back and blame everything on MLC. To say that bad childhoods and abuse are the ONLY reason this is happening.

If we are honest with ourselves, we can't do that. None of us are perfect and whenever you are dealing with more than one person in any situation, you will have different experiences.

Mr. Bond has a great point and I would love to see you answer his question...

And as for your friend...I have read your threads and you do seem to have turned to more than one female for comfort. I understand friendships, one of my best friends is male, however you have to be vigilant about these types of friendships. Things, ie emotions, change before we even realize it sometimes...



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Quote:
Be careful Brubeck with your friend. Feelings could develop and you are carrying a lot of baggage right now. I read what you say and I believe you, right now. Just be careful.

Could not agree more!

It starts slowly (I know from personal experience)…..

“Just friends”…..

…..Then the calls and emails get longer and more frequent

….add that you are usually already feeling like doggie doodoo and unlovable….so….

…you look for someone else to validate you….to remind you that you are “not that bad”…

…then…..it happens….

Here is a wonderful quote that I remember like it was yesterday…think about it….

“Temptation comes when a door is intentionally left open”

Be careful

And

Answer Mr. Bond question.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
It starts slowly (I know from personal experience)…..

“Just friends”…..

…..Then the calls and emails get longer and more frequent

….add that you are usually already feeling like doggie doodoo and unlovable….so….

…you look for someone else to validate you….to remind you that you are “not that bad”…

…then…..it happens….

Here is a wonderful quote that I remember like it was yesterday…think about it….

“Temptation comes when a door is intentionally left open”

Be careful
From what I understand that is the exact path my W followed and now I'm here.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Brubeck,

So my man, are you seeing some concern here?

Dayum, I'm pretty sure he got the message, I mean I hope he did, otherwise you're as clueless as Roscoe P. Coltrane...and if you don't know who he is...well (censored) me, I'm old. Or you had better class than I did as a kid and watched Nova and Masterpiece Theater on PBS Thursday nights.

How's your day/week going Brubeck?

How are you doing? (You)

How are you doing? (DB-wise)



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I will work harder to put time aside to read through the DB book (I think I'm only 40 pages in). With my kids all over me, it's just been easier to lurk throughout the forums on my phone and look for posts that help me learn about the MLCer as well as other LBSs.

Ciluzen, ericmsant2, cat04 - I am not worried about an EA with anyone because these female friends are either sick of hearing about my sitch or what my perspective is on it (some DBers too). I chose to speak with female friends because I am more comfortable being vulnerable around them. I don't know how I am "vigilant" about any of these friendships, other than it's new for me to lean on people for help. Ironically, the one woman I have spoken to the most is gay. She has been generous in reminding me of things I need to remember about my sitch and keeping me PMA. She's been skillful at pointing out how juvenile so much of my W's behavior is, because I am taking her MLC so seriously. She's also the only female friend who didn't say she would have already bailed on the M if she were in my shoes.

I don't feel unlovable, I'm just looking for comfort. There's so much uncertainty, vulnerability, fragility and frailty. I'm not used to it. I know what I'm doing at work and with my kids, but I suppose I really don't know where I'm going. I just keep telling myself to savor my last days as a full-time father, however short or long they may be.

MrBond - I definitely contributed my 50% towards a stale marriage. We didn't plan on having a third child. Life got in the way and we were both overwhelmed with the workload of 3 children. The demands of the household were depressing to me and aggravating to her. We became roommates juggling parenting tasks. Looking back, I can see we were both stuck - as a couple and an individuals. If it wasn't for her MLC, we might be in the exact same place right now. I admit something had to change.

I see the "marriage crisis" as a side effect of the MLC. W decided to crash our marriage after her MLC set in. W didn't come to me saying "things aren't good, we have to work things out". She declared she was checking out as my wife, looking to sleep around and that a separation or a D was her only route to happiness ("I want to be free, I don't want to be here.")

W went dark over a month ago, now to the point that she's even stopped communicating about our kids, because she's trying to do it all herself to prove her independence. When I get home, I always make the point of asking 1) how the boys are doing and 2) what's going on with them today. "Fine" and "nothing" are the only replies I ever hear. Of course, she says these things just before tuning out the kids for her cell phone or to leave the house altogether.


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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