Maybell 40

[Maybell]

Didn't get a chance to cry but I'm pulling myself together. I've been able to restart at least a bit of my running routine with a friend, and that is helping.

I spent the weekend with my parents, who I hadn't seen in a year. There was a little bit of aggravation, but on talking it over with a friend here, he put it in perspective that helped a lot.

D14 is really pulling herself together lately and that's a huge relief. The kids spent last night with Mr. Fantastic after not seeing him for two weeks (or hearing from him in between either, except he texts with D14) and S11 said they really spent almost no time with him yesterday because he ran D14 to karate and didn't come home to spend time with the boys while she was in class. He's leaving tonight to go away for 5 days so they won't see him for a whole week again. I'm too resigned to be disappointed in him. But I feel sad for them. And for him, sort of. He has no idea what he's missing.

All the dating stories around here have got me slightly spooked. I'd really like things to work out with My Guy. What is the ratio of post-divorce relationship successes? Is there some crystal ball I can use to see if he's the good guy I believe him to be? Or to see if our relationship is the stuff that long-term romances are made of? Those of you who've been around for a while, what have you seen? How long does it take to know if you're with the right one?

Thanks for all your patience and goodwill.

[Zues126]

I was talking to a colleague with many more years than me in the business, and mentioned being Den Leader for my S9's Cub Scout den because nobody else would do it. He said "WTF are you doing leading a scout den when you're supposed to be working your a$$ off here? It doesn't matter what your reasons are. You need to tell him, sorry honey, Mommy is trying to build a business to make all our lives better. If nobody else will step up then there won't be a den."

I feel like a chump but I just can't see sacrificing my family for this career where I'm not sure where the payoff is. I'm not selfish enough to do this job. I do have the LEAST support of anyone I know in this business and with or without Cub Scouts, that would be a huge challenge. But I'm just not willing to sacrifice my kids that way. I fought for the settlement I got to make sure my kids would be OK. As I see it, getting a career rolling that would make me self-supporting is about ME, not about the kids (except that I won't be a burden to them when they're older) and so even if Cub Scouts were a dealbreaker, which it's not, I'd have a hard time giving that up on top of all the other stuff the kids and I have given up in our family life. Zues might disagree with me...

Hey Maybell. Thanks for the update.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation and it's up to each of us to weigh out our priorities. But I absolutely don't buy in with this belief of rise to the top at all costs to yourself and your family. I think that we have a workaholic culture that isn't good for anyone. Like my company, they give you a reasonable amount of time off, but then they frown on you for taking it and expect managers to work ridiculous hours. Most of the VPs in the company start sending emails at like 5AM and keep sending them on their blackberries until 10PM. It's like there's some game of chicken going on, or some auction where people are auctioning off their families and lives for a corner office and personal parking spot. It's really gross to me. That's why I stopped managing sales people and got back into a sales role myself, so I could be compensated based on results and not my very blood.

I have been struggling with the culture in sales as well. There's a perpetual sense of panic, it's never enough, the message is that we're always on the verge of disaster and failure and we need business right now today to keep alive. Day after day that is the message. I really hate this. For me, I have a few main motivators:

1. I like the feeling of being good at what I do. I enjoy the satisfaction of driving home knowing I did a great job.

2. I like helping my customers. It makes me feel good to know my customers appreciate working with a professional.

3. I need the money. Of course I have to get paid.

4. I like feeling safe. I work hard because I can't stand being in desperation mode. I hate feeling like I don't know if I'll get paid. I hate going into an appointment feeling like I need them to sign up otherwise I'm in some type of financial and social trouble. All it does is make it tougher to perform and make rejection more frustrating. So I work very hard so I always have enough going on to where one customer or one sale will never make or break me.

Because of #4 I am typically a top producer, but because other people don't necessarily push as hard as me it seems like my supervisor and everyone higher up the chain believe they need to continuously hit the panic button. All day long sending desperate messages making it seem the sky is falling and measuring results minute by minute. It is really disgusting to me. That's not very professional. Particularly from a bank that was just fined 200MIL due to high pressure sales culture.

To make it worse, and getting back on point finally, I am not the number one guy anymore. I am just not willing to auction off everything in my world to be at the top. When I was married and XW handled the children at home I could put nearly all of my energy into work. Maybe that was appropriate at the time, maybe I was too caught up in the competition of it all. But these days that isn't possible or desirable. I don't want to work 60 hours a week, I don't want to wake up before sunrise and work until sundown, I don't want to live that way. Instead I work a nice cool 40 during the week with the occasional hour here and there on a night or weekend if things really get bottle-necked. Mondays/Tuesdays I have my children so I often come home a bit early to spend more time with them, answering my phone if something priority comes up, then maybe do a bit of work after they go to bed. Wednesday/Thursday I work a little bit longer and get into a work focused rhythm. But I pick my kids up from school this Friday afternoon and I intend to enjoy my weekend with them.

Fortunately I'm good enough at what I do and I work super hard while I'm at work (I'm very focused and manage myself very well so it's very productive time continuously when I'm on the clock). So I'm not in any danger of failing and I'm meeting all expectations. And this is enough for me. I don't need to be number one. As long as I can be good at what I do, take care of my customers, get paid, be safe, and have time to enjoy my kids, I couldn't care less what some sr. vp thinks when he compares me to some single 27 year old with no kids that is trying to make a name for himself.

I don't know your sales gig. If there's no one that is successful working a schedule that is livable then maybe it isn't the right gig. But if there are people that are still meeting expectations and valued members of the team that are working a healthy schedule then just do that and who cares what mr. 'you're supposed to be building a den' or whatever is saying. When I managed a sales team of course I loved my superstars that were at 150% of quota every month and raised the bar. But when I had people that had families and other obligations that still showed up, were punctual, positive, professional, worked hard, and used their time to consistently meet the goals and sometimes go beyond...well, even though they weren't the top producers, I always valued them and admired them and made sure they were appreciated on my team.

I'm hopeful that's the person you can be on your team, but if it's one of those departments where out of 10 people there are only 2 people doing well, one has been there 12 years and is friends with the owner, one has been there for 7 years and is just getting by, and everyone else is struggling and searching for other jobs on the internet...well, if it's one of those gigs then you might have to make some hard decisions.

In the end though I've seen enough of you to know that you are very valuable and you'll always have a team to play on. I know exactly how tiring it can be to start a new position and have to go through that transition and learning curve, and I also know that moving to something less challenging is scary in that it might be a bit boring at times, but in the end you'll find a way to have work and your family.

Keep us posted on how things develop and hang in MB!

[Georgiabelle]

Happy belated birthday, M! It's never too late to celebrate. I am happy d is doing better.

Can I ask a question? I've been away. What is it about NG's R with his ex wife that bothers you? That may sound silly of me to ask...I am always friendly with exes, but I am curious. Did NG not want a D? Or is it that it just makes you feel uncomfortable or like you are vying for his attention (even though it doesn't sound like you are). I am sure somehow this stirs ups some kind of correlation to feelings of when married. I am finding those feelings are tough to battle sometimes:)

Hang in there my friend!

[Maybell]

Hey, GB...

Ive given that question a lot of thought and here's what I've come up with. Which of these is true basically depends on what has been going on lately.

1. I'm jealous. He got closure. They had a long period of therapy that he participated in, they had multiple conversations about the pros and cons of breaking up, they have a close relationship now. I could have had that. Instead I got a self-absorbed cheater who said that he engaged in one-night stands "because he wanted to do something for himself for once."

2. I'm scared. What if she wanted him back?

3. I'm annoyed. He does a LOT for her. What does she do for him (take this one back to scared, too). Is she using him?

4. I'm possessive. If the zombie apocalypse broke out, he'd come fetch me and my kids... and he'd pick her up along the way. But there's only one of him to go around!

5. I want to be first. I am sad that we come to each other with these scars. I think it's fair to say that without the scars we wouldn't enjoy one another nearly so much, but still, I wish we were first for each other.

6. I think it's fair to say that there is not one single respect in which My Guy resembles Mr. Fantastic, but there are a few ways that I resemble his ex and a couple of times he's looked right at me and called me by her name. Oddly enough, people have called me by that name pretty regularly in my lifetime -- you know, in those moments when you stumble over a name, for example meaning to say Amy and Emily comes out instead... but for me, very consistently in my entire life, the name people stumble over when they don't get mine, happens to be her name. And we have similar favorite colors... I dont know. I guess I just want to be more special.

All that said, he seems not to have spent a lot of time with her lately, and our relationship continues to grow closer. I can afford, at the moment, to not worry too much about her.

All here is well. The job at the moment is more manageable. I had a couple of hours with no kids and no My Guy and I used them to bring my house under control, which is bringing me more peace. We got a pair of kittens who are the light of our lives. The school situation is under control. Part of me is feeling really content and part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop... but I'm trying to focus on the contentedness.

[Maybell]

We're on a camping trip with my kids and tonight after the kids went to bed we were talking about a big project My Guy is working on. I asked him what was next and he mentioned a major repair at his ex's house. The project is big, not ordinary maintenance.

I haven't met her though her house lies between his and mine. From different things he's said at different times it's clear he spends a lot more time with her than he discloses to me in the moment.

How can I envision a future with someone who is still so committed to his previous marriage? However much he wants to cast it as "just a friendship." The things he does for her are not things one does for "just a friend."

Am I overreacting? I feel like the Other Woman. I mean, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, I *think* he'd come for me. But I *know* he'd come for her first. I don't know if I can build a future like that.

Am I being unreasonable? He insists there's nothing about that relationship that could hurt me. But I haven't met her and I know he's aware of my feelings. I know that relationship won't become more distant from concern for me. I'm starting to think hard thoughts.

[Sotto]

Hi Maybell, that's a tough one and I'm sorry you feel that way. Your feelings are perfectly valid and I can see that must be difficult. There is a balance between being a decent ex and holding a candle for your previous relationship. I can't recall if they have kids? If they do, that brings more obligation and responsibility. Though of course that needn't extend to significant maintenance jobs.

When I was with ex H, we had quite a lot to do with his former wife. I met her a year or so after I started dating him, and we were on good terms. Actually, when I came into the mix, things seemed to ease somewhat with them. Maybe some more closure on their D? IDK. We got involved in some small renovation projects in her house, but it was nice and we helped her with those together. Also had some dinners together, and she and I have remained on friendly terms since XH and I split up.

If he doesn't have kids with her - and does big jobs like this for her - I would be particularly concerned, as that just seems like not letting go of 'what was.' If they do have kids, it is more understandable - but perhaps a little OTT? What were the circumstances of their R ending? Her choice or his? And how long ago?

I guess he will do what he will do, and if it is a boundary issue for you, it is an elephant in the room unless you raise it. The pattern would be that you withold from him, and some intimacy is lost...etc...

Perhaps you might suggest meeting her? In any case, if you are invested in this R and you are concerned about his investment, I would certainly address it...

Hope this helps a little :)xx

[Ginger1]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I kind of experienced this with my exH. My ex is this way with his sister. My friends who have known his since high school as I have find it kind of weird. She has always said "jump" and he says "how high?"

Whatever she wanted she got without hesitation, I asked for the smallest thing and he would moan and groan.

Do you feel he would do the same for you as he would for her?

Does he feel like he "owes" her something?

I really think you should bring up your concerns and your feelings. HIs reaction and explanation will probably tell you a lot.

For your future, I do think this is worth addressing and I hope he gives you some comfort clarity, and understanding on this.

[DonH]

This is a tricky one, or at least could be. The answer really may more be in the details. First off he's not hiding it from you, although he may not be providing all of the details. His actions may speak more to the type of man he is, and that part is good - or at least might be. But why is he doing this? That's where your concern I'm sure is. Is he trying to help his kids have a nice home or is he still way too attached to his old life? It may not even be his exW but his ex life he wants to hang onto. It may make him feel good to do these things for his "family"

You mentioned several times that you've never met her. Why is that? Just has never happened or by his choice to keep you away? She obviously does not have a BF?

I think you are right to question this. I'm not saying it should be a deal breaker but it clearly raises some questions. Have you told him how you feel and your concerns? I think more than anything, how he responds should guide you. From there you need to follow your gut. What does your gut say? Is there more here than he admits? Does he even admit it to himself? That may be the larger question? Would he or will he continue to do this after the kids are out of the house?

I may have asked more questions than I've answered although I suspect they are similar to the questions in your mind. Again, follow your gut here. If you think this is odd amd beyond what should go on, it probably is.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Maybell,

If I remember correctly, NG has no kids? If that is the case, then I do understand your concerns. However, and maybe this is because I can relate to these things.....is it possible he just likes her? And I don't mean he has any romantic feelings for her, but perhaps things did not work out and he just cares for her? Maybe they have a deep friendship bond that transcended their marriage. I actually see how that can happen. However, I also understand how you may feel a bit uneasy with that.

NG sounds great and it sounds like he has really tried to embrace your life. I can't speak for you, but I do understand that it would be difficult for ANY one to embrace my crazy life. Embracing 3 kids is a wonderful, yet somewhat daunting undertaking:)

Have you ever asked NG why he is still so attached to his ex? Does he discuss a future (meaning would he consider marriage again) with you? How long were they together?
I guess I am with Don. I may have more questions than answers, but I do think NG's intentions are not malicious. Relationships at this point are challenging as we all have stuff, but I whole heartedly agree that adding unnecessary complications is a no.

Hang in there. I hope the weekend was good. Sending you a hug!

[Maybell]

It's so weird the way sometimes she bothers me and sometimes she doesn't.

They don't have kids. He does just like her and care about her. He is also very, very attached to his past, and she's a big chunk of some of his favorite parts.

My Guy has been amazing. He helps with the kids, and would help more if I asked more. He comes to a lot of their stuff (karate belt tests and band concerts) which can't be fun for a non-parent. He helps me all the time, and would help me more if I invited him to. He has been patient and helpful and insightful as i try to navigate my new career, which has been unspeakably stressful and challenging. I know he'd rather I do something else, but he's supportive anyway. I appreciate him so much.

I think some of what bothers me is... why doesn't she have a new relationship? When we were newly dating (after 4-6 weeks) he told me that he'd made a point of going to her and telling her that he was seeing me. I asked him if she was seeing anyone and he said that if she ever had she'd never told him. I alternate between worrying that he's being used, or that she's gotten the relationship she wanted when they were married (being cared for and having handyman help, but not having to put a whole lot of effort into the relationship). I wonder why I haven't met her yet.

The day of my last outburst here I asked him that question and he said that because he knew how uncomfortable I am about her that he's waiting for circumstances to make it just happen.

I'm on an upswing again. But I struggle all the time with trust. I trusted that Mr. Fantastic cared about me and valued the life we'd built together. Then I found out he did, except the part that included me. What is so wrong with me that a cocky little twerp like him could treat me with such contempt and disregard? And so I worry that's how My Guy will come to see me too. And sometimes it's how I see myself, though I try not to.