Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2702049 09/05/16 11:50 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Last thread:

Maybell 39

I don't know what there is to report. My Guy and I had a big dust-up, partly because he did a couple of things I strongly objected to. In spite of a couple of conversations (which included ILY) the situation rose to a head and I almost ended it. He responded in a way that salvaged things. We had one more big conversation and it worked out.

In the course of the weekend he observed that I always seem ready to run off and that the commitment seems to be scaring me. On his side, he said "You've got three kids. Not one. Not two. THREE. It's a lot." And D13 showed her most difficult side this weekend, too, so he's got a lot to make him hesitate. She keeps trying to enlist him as an ally against me, and he doesn't bite, but he does what he can to defuse the situation. It can't be easy on a guy with no kids.

I'm trying to rebuild my expectations for what a relationship IS. I would like to spend a lot more time together if we didn't have to be engaged with each other constantly. It's exhausting to be ON all the time that we're together. But I want to be with him a lot more than I am, and it stresses me when we're apart. Probably scars from Mr. Fantastic. I should not feel anxious just because we're apart. But I don't know where the balance line is. I want to hear from him once in a while, just to know I'm on his mind. I don't know how much of that is reasonable to want and how much I should be able to just chill out. That said, we do have plans to get away next weekend. Given the way this past week went, I'm anxious to see them play out smoothly. I want things to be even keel.

We spent yesterday together with the kids and in spite of D13's charm, he did say he felt blessed to have us with him. I could see that was true -- he looked so relieved to have people to be responsible for. He's excellent with all three kids, and both D13 and S8 have started to hug him and then shied away at different times. I do not know how to navigate this.

Surfer, you've told me a bunch of times to be my sassy self. Believe me, when I'm relaxed, I am! He wouldn't stick around with a Debbie Downer all the time. He seems to have a pretty clear understanding of who I am and has embraced the idea that he can best care for me by helping me be calm. I worry this isn't totally healthy for him. I feel like I can best care for him by providing nurturing and giving him something to care for. We meet outside of our *needs* with the differences we both bring to the table wrt interests and knowledge.

Part of what we talked about this weekend was expanding our circle beyond ourselves and trying to create a joint social life.

I don't know what life has been like for the rest of you but for me this is only my second adult relationship (including my marriage) and life with Mr. Fantastic was not nearly so intentional. I enjoy time with My Guy and though there are things I'm not super thrilled about, the level of self-awareness and intentionality with him are so much greater than I'm accustomed to that I can't help but wonder if this is how adult relationships typically go or if I'm in a specially good one. I like to make him happy and I like the ways he makes me happy. Is this what real life is like?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2702061 09/05/16 01:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Hmmmmmmmm so much here. I don't know if I can help you to the degree you did on my thread several weeks ago but perhaps I can ask some questions and make some points that help you to help yourself.

You seem to be so full of contidictions. Even this thread starts out by saying you don't know what there is to report. Then you go in to report huge things! That caught me right away.

You say in a variety of ways how much you like, now love, this guy yet you were ready to end it? Really? You sort of said the same a few weeks ago about having to leave if he failed to say ILY when you did. What's up with all of this? He has noticed you want to run and I get the same sense. He had an idea why, I'm less sure why - just sure it's the case. Are you testing him? I have to wonder. Are you testing to see what he will do and that he's committed?

I next observe you want to be with him more but not if you have to be together. Hmmmm that's very interesting and I'd have to say confusing. What's this having to be "on"? It almost sounds like being on means being someone else. Are you really saying you just want to be yourself and feel you can't be?

Those are just a few. Figuring out why is above my pay grade. It's also just so so hard to really know what's going on just from reading what you write. What would he say? It sounds like he's a good dude and you can be a handful. Just a gut guess.

And then last you say this is really only the second relationship you've had. Was Mr. wonderful one of your first BFs? If so, I really wonder if NG really was this amazing lucky find or perhaps was just next in line and you'll take that? That is hard to explain. I just have come to see there are some people who find love right away then others who rarely do. I just saw that again with someone just out of a LTR. She just got "lucky" and found this guy so soon. Thing is, this is the 4th time this has happened in 20 plus years. She's never really dated a buch of guys. Perhaps not the best example. My point is, you overlooked this with Mr. W. Then little dating and #2 is found. If there were few if any prior to Ex that certainly would not be typical and I wonder how it contributes.

I hope something in there flushes out some thoughts that help.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2702068 09/05/16 01:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Maybell, I'm sorry you had an up and down weekend with NG. He does sound committed and kudos to him for interacting well with your kids and making an effort with each of them.

Yes, I'm also picking up on the 'I may need to end this' theme. But you are keen on him and that would sound like 0-90 without going through lesser steps of trying to work things out. Maybe fear and you jump straight to that?

It is still earlyish days in your R and you say you'd like to see him more, but struggle to be 'on.' What do you think would help you feel more relaxed and yourself around him? It sounds as though if you truly relax and offer 'just you' that you feel it somehow wouldn't be enough? It's only enough if you're 'on' and exhausting yourself? If you haven't read Brene Brown, she is useful on this. I've certainly got a great deal out of her writing & talks.

I hope that you are also maintaining links with friends and a life outside of the R with him. One of the big things I have learned is that I do still want to be able to have a life of my own and manage a situation where we aren't together all the time and can both do stuff we enjoy (this is a hypothetical 'we' just now :-))

Take it steady, and try and see this as a journey. There is no need to rush to any kind of finishing line, you can put the top down and enjoy the sun on your face and the smell of the ocean.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2702078 09/05/16 02:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
I don't want to end things but I am fearful that I've fallen into this relationship so promptly. Also that I'm going to get seriously hurt again and I don't have it in me. The fear of being abandoned can sometimes be so overwhelming that I just want to jump ship before I'm hurt.

Don, your point about my inexperience is well taken and definitely one I've considered. I didn't count my college boyfriend of two years because there was no adultness in that relationship -- it was unhealthy and terrible. I did a tiny bit of dating in between the college guy and Mr. Fantastic, a couple of dates here and there and one six week thing that was just me flinging myself at someone out of desperation. This experience with My Guy is NOTHING like any of those experiences. Rather than watching him with rose colored glasses, I'm keeping an eye out for every red flag just to make sure I don't repeat my previous mistakes. That makes me a bit flighty and hyper-reactive.

I'm sad to say, yes, I'm pretty much of a handful. Don't mean to be.

WRT to being "on" -- The time we spend together, for the most part, has been about being totally absorbed in one another for like 36-48 hours at a time. It's lovely but not always totally relaxing. I work in a profession where I have to be constantly talking to people. Sometimes I just want to be quiet -- but I feel like I'm short changing him when I am. I would love for us to evolve into the sort of relationship where I don't find myself scrambling to do the laundry at 10:00 on Thursday night so I don't have it hanging over my head on Sunday night after spending a beautiful weekend together. Occasionally we'll spend time together helping one another with household chores, and one lovely weekend I spent at his house studying for a test while he was working on house projects. I want more of that... And so does he. But balancing the kids, work schedules, etc., and the fact that we don't live together means that when we spend time together it's about focusing on each other. I want to relax a little more with him and have more life together, not just time together. He jokes about moving into my garage -- so we could be near each other without having to give up our own lives.

Whether he's really so wonderful... In the course of our conversation, he said something about me that made me laugh and realize he really is just an ordinary guy. I said something to that effect and he said yes, he's just a normal guy, but he's been through a lot of therapy for different things (very difficult childhood and had a professional interest in psychology for a long time) and he can see my contradictions for what they are. It takes a lot of patience to put up with my anxieties. I don't hide them, so he can see them for what they are, which I think helps. He says I communicate really clearly which makes it easier.

Lately maintaining links with friends has been a little tricky because I'm stretched pretty thin, but it is happening on both sides.

Does that explain things better? I do love him. I can see being with him forever. Mr. Fantastic & I were planning marriage at this point and I do NOT see that with My Guy in the next few years... But I'd like it to happen someday. Which is totally terrifying.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2702123 09/05/16 07:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
I want to take time and fully respond but I wanted to say right away, taking everything at face value what you have said, I have to believe there is far less chance of him leaving you than the other way around. Nothing is fail safe. Rs are a risk. That said, from every thing you have written this guy is not planning on leaving you. That is your fear though and what we fear we create. Then you'll say, see I knew he was going to leave me and you'll have self fulfilled that fear. As Sotho said, try to just enjoy the journey. What I would do, and will if ever I even get to where you are, is ask the other person to just be honest and present with me. For me and I wonder if it's the same for you, the real fear is not as much it not working but getting blindsided by it again. Is that your real fear? Is that what you mean by abandonment?

I'll write more but really wanted to try to put your mind a little at ease. This guy doesn't seem to be looking for the exit. Don't test him or push him towards it. He seems happy with you. Relax and enjoy that.

More layer.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2702188 09/06/16 06:18 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: DonH
the real fear is not as much it not working but getting blindsided by it again. Is that your real fear? Is that what you mean by abandonment?

This guy doesn't seem to be looking for the exit. Don't test him or push him towards it. He seems happy with you. Relax and enjoy that.
Being left behind again is a real concern for all of us here, because we know what it feels like. But I am also keenly aware of flip side, staying in a dating relationship that's ultimately not what I want. I think it's easy for us to lose sight of what dating is, deciding if this person is right for us. There's no dishonor in deciding to end it, this isn't your marriage, its dating and that's what it's for.

MB, this was not directed to you, particularly, it was just a thought that's been on my mind lately, that we are keen to fight for things we shouldn't. I am, perhaps, preaching to the choir. wink



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2702684 09/07/16 02:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
Quote:
I like to make him happy and I like the ways he makes me happy. Is this what real life is like?


I can answer this two ways:

1) Duh? Yes.
2) why does it matter? Is this what real life is like is a question about everyone else to some degree. You have said yourself what you like. Is that not good enough, what you like? Keep working on what you like, want and need. Simple. So again, the answer is yes.

Win, win.

Stop overthinking. Just be sassy you! I do keep telling you......:) because that's the one he loved and can still fall for.....don't overthink, just be fun, caring, sassy you!

Got it?

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Surfer #2702687 09/07/16 02:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
When I say loved, I mean still loves, he just can't see it yet.

BTW Mr Fantastic, forget him, that's a product of too few sexual partners. I think you can have too few - not in a way that promiscuity is good. BUt you are lucky, two shots and you got the bullseye. Okay times are not great but this could have happened with man no 20!

Not being so lucky, I had to be 'a little' more promiscuous (ahem - okay I did a 4 year degree and then lived in a young professionals house for 4 years!). Zero of those relationships come anywhere close to my W (not WW). Sex is mechanical even for a man without true love. And love is not love, without love.

MR Fantasic farts, picks his toenails in bed, eats like a slob after too many beers etc. Perhaps he smells of BO at times.

Trust me, no man, or woman is Mr or Miss Fantastic. It's the nature of one of your first loves, they are hard to forget. But they are definitely not fantastic, if he was, where is he? I can't hear the sounds of hooves charging over the plains, his white charger etc. Nah. It's just that romantic ideal we all sadly lust after I am afraid - IMHO. We all do it. My first love too....but trust me, nothing compares. I had to test out my theory of course (prior to being married I hasten to add!). So I speak with a relative abundance of knowledge.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Surfer #2702765 09/07/16 05:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Mr. Fantastic is the sarcastic name I use for the ex. Because he thinks he is.

My Guy is the fella I'm dating right now.

That's enough for tonight.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2702779 09/07/16 06:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
I get where your at mayb, I'm touchy and the xh well he sticks his nose in from on far.
I'm not saying how but he's trying. Trust me. crazy

Classic narc style behaivour and he expects the gg poker machine will pay off given enough time.

I too swing back and forth, bf talked about he had been around nearly 2 years and I freaked mentally. I had to say it in the moment and in some ways he gets it.

Sometime I think it's just relax and see where things go and hope for the best, mr fantastic he showed his true colour in the end. Most people do even if it takes a while.

He might decide over time the family things I
Not for him and it may not be the huge movie show stopper ending. It might be nice easy and mutual.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard