I'm going to repeat the last post because I don't have anything new to post.
I hope everyone is having some fun this weekend! It's a holiday weekend here in the US and I'm enjoying my time off. Even if I have bouts of sadness and WH and OW are frequently on my mind, they aren't able to ruin my day or mood. Yesterday, I went thrift store shopping and had lunch out with Son. I found a few pieces that are office appropriate for the fall, exactly what I was looking for.
I think it's so important to do things that are enjoyable, entertaining, intensely absorbing, or pampering, because if we only work and do chores, the sadness that we're dealing with has no counterbalance. GAL activities have many good effects, and one that I'm feeling these days, is that it gives me something to fight back with when darkness sets in. Yes, I can still cry in the evening after doing a fun activity followed by dinner and a great conversation with a good friend, but it's not *as* devastating for *as* long because my brain and body are also filled with positive stimuli and soothing chemicals. It's like they say about banishing darkness, the best way is to light a candle.
My current GAL activities are choir (just joined and started practice last week for the season), decorating Son's condo with some of my things, meeting friends for lunch or dinner, watching good, 'safe' movies, and going back to college part-time. I've been too tired to go to the studio and paint, but I need to get over there. It's just one of those activities I do better in groups or on a schedule.
I don't know if I consider it GAL, but there's a Divorce Care group that starts up again on September 28th, so I signed up for that. I already have the workbook but there were only a couple of meetings left when I found the local group back in May, so I never really got into it. And I see my IC weekly. She is a great support and helps me process the feelings that flow through.
I've been laughing for days at something WH said in our most recent conversation and I think everyone here will, too. I asked him what his plans were for proceeding with a D, and as usual, he had none (he says repeatedly that he's living day to day). I then let him know that if he were to go ahead and file for a no-fault D, my reply would be to request an at-fault D.
He blew up and told me he would lose his job if I did that (no, he wouldn't) because his employer is "really strict about stuff like that and consider it a flaw in character".
He was so angry he hung up on me - so I texted him later that once he calmed down, he might want to reflect on why they view it that way... and that he always has the option of moving OW out again.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I love it. Anyway call a spade a spade! I probably would not have mentioned OW. It seems controlling. But still, good for you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
It was hilarious that he walked right into that one himself. Sometimes his anger makes him say truths he didn't mean to reveal.
I mentioned OW moving out as an option that is open to him because that would be the only way he could remove the grounds for an at-fault D. I wanted to make it clear to him that we both know he has a choice and is not a helpless victim. Actually, I thought it was very non-controlling by putting the ball completely in his court. It's interesting that you perceive it as controlling.
He usually acts as if things just happen to him, that he has no say in what goes on in his life and he's just a victim of circumstances. He could easily have pretended to not understand that he had the option of moving OW out of our home until the D was final. He just doesn't want to live the consequences of his choices, so he tries to pretend he doesn't have any.
I know that come court time, I will have to explain this to the stepkids as well. They will not see that he has the option to *not* engage in adultery to protect himself legally. It's supposed to be our job to insulate him from anything bad happening to him, regardless how he behaves. I'm probably the first person in his life to hold him responsible for his actions and it's making him furious.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
He really should have thought about that "flaw in character" when he decided to proceed with an affair. In the uk, if you file adultery and you can prove it- you can name and shame the AP and have them served too. In dark times, I remind myself of this little gem that if I show concrete proof I can name and shame her, have her served, and have her pay my legal fees.. I think it's only fair if you decide to intervene in a marriage, break up a family- consequences consequences!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
We teach people how to treat us. I so wish that everyone could learn that - which by the way I didn't create that great statement, I only follow it. When we allow people to get away with crazy it never stops. Sounds like your H has taught those in his life that it's never his fault or his choice. You are now teaching him differently. You are teaching him how to treat you. Will this get you closer to fixing the M? It may not but it sounds like you are deciding that you no longer want a crazy M anyway. You want a healthy one. He wants to continue he to get away with crazy. I think you are doing the complete right thing. He is not being controlled at all. He can follow the rules of your state or not. Controlling would be trying to get him to follow your rules. You just want him to follow written rules for D. That is totally his choice. It's best the kids learn this life lesson now.
You seem to be doing great! Keep at it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I meant he could perceive it that way. If Ow is gone you may not counterfile.Just how HE may interprete the OW statement. Don't worry about that too much. It is done and he will: interpret things his own way regardless.It was just an outsider view that could help in future.
Cherry. I think that is very fair, that OP is held partly responsable.
DonH, great words to live by. It expands slightly on the boundaries notions discussed on this forum. It does really apply to everyoneeven how we let our kids behave/treat us.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi painter! I'm really liking the tenor I hear on you latest postings. My own GALing is, as usual, kind of out of control, but I'm happy to see that you are out doing more for yourself these days. It's wonderful to see you put there, moving forward and seeing people.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
And the way you answer or file for D should have absolutely nothing to do with WH, punishing/not punishing him, his opinions, or influencing his behavior. Period. It is a strategic decision that you need to make based on what will bring you the most favorable resolution for your long-term well-being and financial stability.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Don, I agree that we teach people how to treat us...HOWEVER we never assume responsibility for other people's behavior either. Both are true, and while we can all do better to improve our boundaries and consider what type of behavior we are encouraging, none of us can control other people or do anything to prevent them from making destructive decisions.
I agree with Phoebe's point as far being strategic and laser focused on achieving the outcome you want. They say anger is like drinking poison hoping the other person dies or whatever. Expressing anger to WAH may only negatively impact your ability to reach a favorable settlement. You're well aware of that, we each have to deal with this in our own way. For me I can't allow myself to give XW the impression that she has that much control over my state of mind. I choose to look at her as an inanimate obstacle that I have to navigate around. I also create as much emotional distance as possible and stay very detached from her and her choices. I've been deeply wounded and don't pretend I'm not hurt or angry, I just don't choose to let those emotions steer my ship as I don't think they will lead me where I want to go. That said, again, I know you know all of this, and in light of where you are at and what's been done I am not judgmental here, you have some latitude to spew a little in the short term. In the long term I know you will find peace.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
'I choose to look at her as an inanimate obstacle that I have to navigate around. I also create as much emotional distance as possible and stay very detached from her and her choices.'
Love this. The inanimate obstacle bit made me laugh
