Sandi, yes, she is attacking my soft spots. She seems to be very good at identifying them and leveraging them against me. I will continue to strengthen my R with D so that her accusations will be so absurd they'll be laughable.
Can you see how your W has turned her R with D into something unhealthy? Can you see how she uses her D as the war head with everything you do or don't do? Instead of keeping the M issues just between you and her........she twists things to make it about D, or D and her.
I see both of you uses the D as a weapon to hurt the other one. The parent's R with the D is comparable to a competition. Which parent scores the most points winning D's favor today? And, don't think for a minute D9 is not wise to it, and won't use it.
How about you write two or three posts that you don't mention D9. And, in those two or three posts, write only the statements your W makes that does not refer to D in some manner. Then, go back and read your posts. I just want you to see what I see.
I realize our children are the center of our lives while raising them, but they should not be the center of our MR. In about 8 years she will be gone from home, then what's left between the two adults?
You are doing nothing (that I can see) about your W's disrespect toward you. Instead, you use your R with D as the means to combat the words of your W. That is an unhealthy motivation for improving your R.
So, let's hear you post with adding anything about the D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know you've lived in crazy land so long that it starts to feel normal, but I hope you are finally starting to see just how crazy WW has become. I don't know if she's always been like this or morphed in recent years. Do you remember me telling you how off things were with D and the whole meds thing? You seem to have gotten that down but now it's the whole "D and I think" crap. And it's just that - CRAP! WW does it to make it two against one. That is parent alilanation and the courts are loath to it. WW uses the same MO on all if this. When it was the meds thing you were not doing it correctly as if an hour off was life and death. Now it's the same with the washing machine, or cooking or sleep overs. Are you getting this is all just crazy talk? I hate to say it but WW has serious issues - SERIOUS ISSUES! Your L has to be brought up to speed about all of this as it has to be managed. D9 is very impressionable and you have to get on top of WW potentially allianating her against you and don't think that can happen. A court appointed C can quickly get to the bottom of it. They see it all the time.
My biggest concern for you is others here want to save their M, but you may well be married to a crazy person. That is a lot to come to VIPs with. The first step is seeing it for what it is. This is not you. Thus us not a problem with D9. Don't allow her to turn your life to nonsense because if given the chance that's exactly what she will do!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hey all, sorry, it's been a very busy 2 days at work as we've had clients in town. It's been a great distraction from this whole thing, but very tiring and I'm finding the more tired I get, the harder it is to keep level. Bleh...
Cheesyt, doing ok, appreciate you checking on me! Running somewhat neutral right now, but have had some ups and downs over the past couple days during the quiet times.
Sandi, I absolutely see how my W has intertwined her own life way too much w/ my Ds. She is using my R w/ D to try to get to what she wants. I'm currently discounting everything she tells me w/ regards to my D, though I know I was not in the past. To what end she is doing this, I'm not sure, but it doesn't really matter at this point.
I agree that I still at times will pull how W is going to hurt D into the discussions we have. I've tried to cut it back based on the feedback you all gave me a few weeks ago after the blowup. I'm now only trying to selectively mention the instability for D when I believe it can help to shake Ws fog. Maybe that's a completely incorrect approach. I do not want D in the middle of Ws and my issues.
I know my D is aware there are bad things going on. Her comments to me when I ask highlight that. I think I'm scoring points with D that go towards building my R w/ her and not w/ my W. My intent of being a better father is not to win my W back, but to solidify my R w/ D so that we can survive and thrive, regardless of the outcome of my MR.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I realize our children are the center of our lives while raising them, but they should not be the center of our MR. In about 8 years she will be gone from home, then what's left between the two adults?
I completely agree, and to be honest, this frightened me even before the BD. As W and I drifted apart, the only bond holding us together seemed to be our D. In retrospect I should have keyed off this and been proactive in fixing our other bonds, but unfortunately I did not. I find myself still worried about this, even were we to work hard at MC. It feels hopeless that these bonds can be repaired, but perhaps that's more a function of where we are now, than where we could be. I don't know. The uncertainty of everything is both physically and emotionally draining at times. I won't go back to a MR that's centered around my D. It's not fair to my W, my D, or me.
I've addressed the obvious disrespect from W by standing up to her. This has stopped the eye rolling, the joking insults w/ my D, and the exasperated sighs. However, she still has a palatable level of contempt/resentment most of the time. She may or may not be communicating w/ OM still, though she says she is not. I'm finding it difficult to address the contempt/resentment piece of things w/ her.
B/C of that, all my focus has been on improving my R w/ D (regardless of Ws attitude about it) and being consistent w/ things I need to fix about myself. If W chooses to stew in her contempt, it seems like I can't change that. But I can be the person I want to be and have an awesome R w/ my D.
My next couple posts won't have anything about D in them!
Don, yes, I see it more clearly now. I also realize that I'm not fully out of crazy land yet. It seems like everyday I have an epiphany that something else I'd taken as normal is, in fact, crazy. It's almost like it never ends and is very frustrating.
You were extremely helpful on the meds not being life and death, like my W was making them out to be. It's one of the things that helped me see that what W is feeding me is a lot of crap. My IC thinks my W has obsessive issues and will have a very hard time dealing w/ that. Now that I'm through w/ our client visit my focus is shifting back to the L path and making sure I'm firm there. I don't want my W to alienate me from my D and I believe the more quality time D and I spend together, the less likely that is to occur. My R w/ D really is so much deeper than it was pre-BD and I'm loving it.
High level, I take nothing my W says now as the truth. Everything needs to be parsed for a sanity check before I even begin to think it may be the truth. I realize that my W has some issues that may or may not preclude us from fixing things. It's not in my control to fix Ws issues, but I can continue to focus on mine and making myself a better Father/Man. I'm going to keep the MC appointment and judge after the first couple visits if it's worthwhile. However, I'm also going to be prepared w/ my L in case this thing is headed for a negative outcome and/or escalates w/ W doing crazy stuff w/ my D.
Journaling...
Spent most of the day Monday finalizing a presentation at work. Monday evening we entertained clients at dinner and I got home just after D was asleep. Forgot my house key so W had to open the door for me. Nothing said by her to me and she just walked back to the family room and the TV/iphone. I told her goodnight, got no response, and went to bed.
Had my IC visit on Tues am. Talked about my worries that W was not bought into MC and was using as a lever for something else I didn't know about. Also talked about W using D against me and also W picking at me for things I was doing. IC thinks W sees me changing and it makes her extremely upset. Also thinks she could have an obsessive issue and that's adding to the extremeness of it all. IC says W shows cracks every now and then that she can warm up, but she shoves me away when she realizes that may be happening. IC says to get used to this roller coaster behavior for awhile. Told IC about my conversation w/ D around how she feels and he says my D is spot on w/ her observations (smart kid! ). D has pieced together that when W shuts me off, W is unable to not shut D off too. Hence when W is angry w/ me, that anger in part rolls onto D as well at times. It's really sad and frustrating actually.
Tuesday was packed with meetings so not a lot of time to focus on my situation. Got an email from a friend in a neighborhood beside ours saying the previous day someone had tried to abduct a 6yr old from a yard in their neighborhood. (Ugghhh...) Forwarded to W and asked her to pls let me know she got it. She said yes and she had heard the same. Told W that it's stating the obvious, but we should be outside when D is out there and she responded w/ "Duh". Told her that I worry about D and asked if she'd talked to her about it. W just said she did and she's fine.
Left work at 5 to spend about 30 minutes w/ D prior to my GAL activity that evening. I play in a pool league w/ a few family members and some other friends during the spring and fall. It's a good group of quality people and it's fun being out with them every Tuesday night. Did that and got home around 10:30. Came in, said goodnight to W w/ no response, and went to bed.
Noticed this morning that an amount of money had been pulled from our checking account and put towards a credit card. Am assuming this is the card that W opened. Sent W a message saying to please add this to our mint.com account so I can track w/ our other finances. no response. I'll need to address this when I get home as I told her I would not pay for a card I could not see the charges for.
Haven't been to the gym since Sunday and that + the late nights Monday/Tuesday are wearing on me. Sat through 2 hrs of meetings today where I wasn't presenting and found my mind wandering to thoughts of W and OM. Been awhile for that, but put me in a slightly negative place.
Doing the gym tonight before I head home. That should help w/ the sleep. Will do some time w/ my D as well which I'm really looking forward to. D wants to make a 3D pokemon by folding up different sizes of paper. Started last night but still have some work to do. Should be fun!
Off to call my L and see when I can meet w/ them to discuss this stuff again. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and feedback.
Sandi, I forgot to mention. Unsure I can post anything my W says now as it all includes her and my D against me. Will try though. thank you!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Back to school night this evening. Headed home early so W can head over for it. W has signed up to be a room mom. Unsure how she will have time if she's looking for a job. I was working on the home computer earlier in the week and noticed she'd had her resume up. I'm hoping she's done some work to it, but who knows.
Nothing new of note. No messages bt W and I the past 2 days. Some "family" time yesterday afternoon. No real talking by us since Tuesday though, which was via text.
Finishing up initial L paperwork. Feel like I'm 2 days late on getting through this. Going to send tomorrow to L and then we will meet to start a plan. Work stuff pushed me back this week and I'm feeling like I'm losing focus on this stuff this week.
Need to refocus. Expecting W to hit me with something this weekend. Every time there's a lull she pulls something out. I feel like I need some contact with her, otherwise nothing changes. I know nothing good comes from that though.
Still on for MC in 1.5 weeks. We will see if she bails on it or not.
Trying to stick to Sandis request. How am I doing?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
doing great LT0402 way to stick with sandi's request. I personally like your novels with D but I'm sure there's a very good reason for sandi's request.
Thanks cheesyt! Swinging over to your thread shortly bc I've got some thoughts for you. Just haven't been able to post them yet.
So only interaction with W today was a text saying our washing machine is dieing. Subtle intonation is that it's my fault. Responded that we can discuss options this weekend. Hate to buy a nice new washer if we are just moving in the spring. We will see.
"Family" time tonight. W on her iPhone. Keeps talking about how she is talking to her bff. Overplaying it on her part. Seen this before when she was lying but I'm not mind reading, just noticing.
W got mad bc I was "sniffling" and snuggling with D. The weather is changing here and it's messing with my sinuses a bit. Normal. Told her that. She started getting mad so I removed myself from the situation.
Bedtime. I send W this text bc I'm in no mood for confrontation tonight or this weekend.
Me: "Ok. A few thoughts
1) We need to have those conversations when it's just us or when we are less emotional about it.
2) I'm going to keep up with the weeds this weekend. Not bc I don't think you can do it, but bc its been part of my routine all summer. I won't touch anything else.
I'll make a list of stuff in the yard and we can split it up and discuss this weekend.
3) I'm beat up from a long, rough week at work and need to recharge tonight. Are you ok with talking about the washing machine tomorrow morning?
4) if you want to talk, hang out, watch a movie this weekend I am open to it. If not then I will continue to respect your space.
5) I'd like to do some outdoors stuff with D on Sunday so please don't schedule anything for the morning.
Talk to you in the morning. Good night."
W: " Leave the yard alone please stop making me repeat that"
W: "please stop"
W: "You don't need to make a list why do you insist on only doing the one thing I keep asking you not to do??"
Yard appears to be her hot button currently. I've been keeping it up with the weeds all summer.
Im not sure if it's bc I've been running on empty all week or what, but I've cared a lot less about what W does this week. I find myself less concerned about keeping her and more concerned about custody. I'm not sure if that's good or bad or me just getting apathetic towards W. I'm opening up to the fact that letting her go may just be the right thing for both of us. Who knows if that'll last, but it's where I am right now at this point in time.
I got all the paperwork in front of my L today and they want to meet for a sitdown next Friday before W and I go to MC the following Monday. I told the L explicitly that I'd like to reconcile, but im not sold W is doing MC with that goal in mind. I also told them about the custody conversation with W as well as my desire to have it be at least 50/50. We will see what comes from that.
I found myself more focused on work this week bc it was a challenging and social week. Those types of things really bring out the fire in me and it was good to feel focused there for the first time in months. That said, I can't let it drain me like it has in the past. I need to keep my balance of work and life that I've established the past 3 months.
Its wierd but I'm finding myself more attracted to my W physically right now than I have in some time. No way I could act on anything but it's strange to see it happening as I move further away from her emotionally. Just an observation and part of this wierd mood change I've had during this wierd week.
Did the gym this afternoon and that helped. Running in the am and then chores in the pm tomorrow. These posts are dreadfully boring but very level headed without D in them.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Gym this morning to run before everyone woke up. Really feel great after I start the day with exercise. Been slacking the past week, need to pick it back up.
Came home, some "family" time before a play date. Went shopping for a baby gift (love the diaper genie!) for a girl who works for me, dropped some stuff at goodwill, and grabbed some worms for fishing tomorrow morning with D.
Did lunch at home with everyone. W made pizza for the kids, but offered me none. Gave the extra pizza to the other mom when she picked up her kid from the play date. No problem, was better off eating a healthy lunch anyways.
W pointedly asked me if I'd checked the baby registry before getting the baby gifts. (W doesn't know who they are for as she has never met the folks that work for me). I tell her they don't have one but I got a gift receipt. W makes some comments on how I can't just buy a gift without knowing it's something they want. I just tell her they don't have a registry. W says you don't have to explain it to me bc I'm not asking about it. Odd, but seems the norm lately.
Other mom, who is one of the moms S as of last weekend, comes to get her D. She brings in her D6 and we all chat for a few before the kids leave. Her D6 has a big knot on her head from running into something. I tell her, wow that's as big as a meteor, you must be really tough. Her D6 and the other mom laugh. W days "wow, that was such a mean thing to say". I ignore it. I help D and her friend transform an old school transformer we have (man I miss those old, well built toys) from a stegosaurus to a robot. W says that I'm keeping them from leaving and to stop. I finish showing them and they play for 5 more minutes while W and other mom talk (thought they had to leave...) and then everyone leaves.
W and D Have to go get a wig for Ds Halloween costume. Before they go, W jumps on me and tells me I can't speak like that to other people's kids (comment about the knot on her head). Says a few other things about it and I just tell W and D I'm leaving and head back to the gym to lift some weights. When I get to the gym I send this to W via text:
Me: "Please don't lecture me W. I'm neither your child nor your employee. I'm open to your thoughts/feedback on anything at any time. There's a better way for us to discuss it though."
W: " Then stop making rude comments about other people's children. You should know that isn't ok. I'm not going to stop speaking my mind"
Me: "I want you to speak your mind"
W: "You stood in the playroom ignoring a parent telling a child repeatedly that it was time to go because you were too busy playing. Don't expect me not to be aggravated "
Trying not to be pulled into a fight with the W. She continues to try to provoke though. I will stand up for myself when needed but I won't get down in the dirt with her. A little tiring though. W has always taken pride in being an "open book" with her thoughts. Unsure why bc she bottles up more than anyone I know. She doesn't realize that were she to speak her thoughts in a more constructive way, she'd have fixed a lot on her end that's been broken with us. Instead I find myself fixing my issues that led to this while she does nothing.
D has another sleepover here tonight. W heading up to shower. I'm going to read a chunk of gottman tonight. Expecting no interaction with W. Wake up tomorrow morning, get in my run and do all this over again. Much more D time tomorrow. Looking forward to that. Realizing that I need to setup some GAL time with friends soon.
I do have a GAL next thurs with a few guys from work. Taking one of my guys out bc his brother just passed away and we are trying to give him a distraction. Should be good to get together and help support him. Really feel horrible that he's having to go through that as he and his brother were very close. We will take him out and help get his mind off it. Amazing how life happens.
Keeping my head down and grinding through all this lately. I miss my W but I realize I don't need her. Not expecting a lot from MC but maybe I'll be surprised. Not holding out hope.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
