Need to figure out how to force her to have these away from D.
Very similar to how we have disciplined D in the past.
If she does it again we punish her.
I understand that your wording may not be the best, but your words here come across to me as controlling. You are implying that you walking away is "punishing" to your W. But that isnt the point of a boundary - the point is to protect you/D from having this kind of conversation in front of your daughter, right?
So what can you do to change your mindset from focusing on W's reaction to focusing on your action?
I see what you're saying Darknes. Yeah, it does seem aggressive and controlling.
I have two goals in those situations. First, I want to remove that immediate stressor from my D. Second, I want to show W that she cannot disrespect me like that.
Maybe the best approach if W starts acting out in those situations is dependent upon what D and I are doing.
1) If D and I are actively playing together, I could politely say that D and I are going to leave the situation and go play elsewhere.
2) If D and I are not actively playing together, I get up and leave the situation, telling W we can discuss later when we are less emotional.
Curious to get your thoughts around this? I'd see some pushback from W on #1 I think, but it's manageable. Appreciated Darknes!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Yeah, she said something similar late last week as well. I'm not even letting it leak into my consciousness at this point. That message got me worked up for a couple minutes, but got back to level and then responded.
It's sad, but I'm truly weighing us selling the house this once the S agreement is in place. I think that's the easy way out for me though. I honestly don't want to lose the time w/ my D that the few extra months gives me. I think I can manage the spew enough to get that extra time in.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I have two goals in those situations. Second, I want to show W that she cannot disrespect me like that.
I think you are still a little bit backwards.
I want to show W that she cannot disrespect meI will not be disrespected like that.
Can you see the difference?
Originally Posted By: lt0402
1) If D and I are actively playing together, I could politely say that D and I are going to leave the situation and go play elsewhere.
2) If D and I are not actively playing together, I get up and leave the situation, telling W we can discuss later when we are less emotional.
I would recommend to not engage when D is around. Just say that you can discuss these things later. If she refuses then I'd offer D something else to do - try not to focus the actions on W.
"I am playing with D right now. I would rather we discuss this later."
I dont think you should focus as much on hammering her for disrespecting you or standing your ground in front of D. Just my opinion though.
Me: "On our PC? I used it to get deleted images off my iphone. I have no access to your pword or phone. I told you how I saw your FB stuff. I haven't touched your iphone. Stop. I've told you I haven't been on your FB since Jun and that's when I saw those msgs on Ds ipad. I have not been on your iphone. I've also explained I'm not snooping on you anymore. It's your life and they are your choices. I'm only concnered w/ how those choices impact others besides you."
Just curious as to why you needed to say any of the bolded?
W: "Do you still want to make us a counseling apt? Just do it."
Unsure what to make of it. Not sure if this is constructive or not. Interested in thoughts around this, seems to have come out of nowhere. Seems passive-aggressive.
Darknes, I can see that. Maybe I've got some pent up aggression towards W right now. It seems like my brain is still wrapped around how to respond and defend from her, as opposed to how I set my own personal boundary, regardless of who it is violating it.
I don't disagree w/ your opinion on how to address her. I've had a tough time discerning how to handle when she just keeps coming at me w/o me hammering back to some degree. The onslaught makes me fairly defensive, so I'm trying to limit that response. I think the above helps me a ton. I like the suggestion of "I'm playing w/ D right now. I would rather we discuss this later."
I want to extricate any sort of overly firm response from how I approach it. finding it difficult at times, but slowly going from super firm to, hopefully, a good blend of fair but firm. I think a more even keeled response from me would go a long ways towards alleviating some of the stress on D in those situations.
On the bolded part, I know it was too much response. She's kind of hinted that I'm spying on her for a little bit now. I really wanted to get across the last 2 sentences of the message, but felt I had to put to rest what she's been implying w/ the rest. Too firm of an approach on the above, or I should have solely explained why I had that program on the pc?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Have you read the solo partner? I just started but it seems like it has some tips on how to try and diffuse arguments / situations like yours. (I have little to no interaction with W, so kind of hard for me). I think its kind of "good" she's so paranoid, though it was a little elaborate response, let her marinade in her paranoid crazy thoughts.
I feel as though I've read the whole MC counseling in your thread...it's to get some sort of direction for how to tell D correct? - Because of that, I say do it. She said do it, so do it. It'll be helpful I'm sure.
No mention of it last night from W. She was in a better and more talkative mood w/ D and myself, but still was edgy at times, though not as bad. Sent her back a message this morning saying "An appointment for marriage counseling?". Have not heard a response.
Really odd, and I don't think it's a good sign. I'm afraid she's looking to check it off as having tried to fix this, when she's not willing to put actual effort into our MR. I'm thinking I need to have a discussion with her about what exactly MC means to me. It means we both want this MR to work, we are both willing to put in the hard work necessary for it to work, and we both know there will be ups and downs but we'll need to push through them.
Regardless, going to put some thought into this today. I'm torn on a response here.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
OH, maybe I'm just crazy and misunderstood...so she brought up MC out of left field? In that case I'd be torn too. You're right to clarify what that means. No miscommunications, no misconceptions just laying it all out there.
I thought It was strictly to discuss ways to tell D9 about separation / D.
Could it also be a temp check? never a dull moment with you lt0402 hang in there!
