A WW? (4)

[mvgfwd2]

I guess I'm a little more direct than some. If my wife tells me to stop pulling weeds, or whatever I'm doing that I think needs to be done, while at the same time telling me we are separated I would just say something like:

"I'm sorry you feel that way but since you want to separate what you say about what I do is no longer a concern of mine. If you want to talk with me please do so in a respectful tone or it will be ignored."

Then I would just be quiet and look at her in a calm but confident manner. If she spews I would just walk away. If she walks away I would go back to what I was doing. If she changes her tone I would listen and try to have a rational conversation. No need to get heated or have an argument. You can control how you react and if it escalates or not. Don't let her control the tone of any interaction. It's rare that someone will keep up the bad behavior after they know it has no effect.

[lt0402]

Owe responses to everyone. Will post tomorrow am. Apologize for being offline. Hectic couple of days at work.

[lt0402]

But my question is why do you even care if someone like that respects you. I want to be respected by people I respect. If terrible people dont like me, maybe I am doing something right! I know you still love her, but right now your WW is being a terrible person.

Fade, you're correct. With everyone else on this planet I would simply say that I don't care and move on. It shouldn't be, but it does seem to be more difficult to fully let her go like that though. I've reached a point now where I realize that this thing getting fixed is a long shot. And to be honest, I'm finding I don't care how she feels about me as much now as I have in the past. It's a strange place to be in. Having to see her in the same house and bed everyday and deal w/ all of her childish reactions makes it even stranger. I'm still working to fix myself and strengthen my R w/ D, but I can see a life w/o my W now.

My suggestion purely from a divorce perspective is to say "sorry you feel that way" and then completely ignore her.

I've got this queued up in my repertoire of responses, but I haven't had a situation recently w/ which to use it. W has been very much out of my face the past few days. It seems like some form of validation w/o agreeing combined w/ this would work most of the time. thoughts?

If you really want to win respect I have seen only one sure-fire way for that to happen. Its when you move on and thrive without her, and she is left with all the same problems but cant take it out on you, and all of your financial/family/household/emotional support she took for granted is now gone. When that happens it always seems to me that WW's suddenly have lots of new-found respect for their cast away husbands.

Having trouble with fully moving on w/ us being in house S. We seem to fall back into old routines and I need to be fully engaged to keep that from happening. A lot of energy, and work has also been pulling some focus away as of late. Going to work to re-focus this weekend.

Hawk, she sure does poke at every small thing. To be honest, a lot of my non response at times is trained I think, as I've become a little numb to the constant criticism over the years. Skins should beat the Giants this weekend!

Sandi, I have a tough time w/ determining a consequence that is not around dissolving the MR. I've pushed back on her and exited conversations when she starts spewing at me and told her that we can chat when she's less emotional. It seems like there may be something in between that I can use as a consequence, but I've been unable to put my finger on it. I do need to better refine my boundaries as I tend to let them waiver at times when she's constantly hammering on me for every little thing.

Rose, I hear you and you're 100% correct that D knows there is a problem. With things having been quiet bt W and I the past few days I've slipped on this. We're going to the MC on Monday and I'm going to gauge Ws response in there to determine the tact to take in pushing IC for my D. I'd really like to get Ws buy-in as I believe it would be beneficial to my D, but I'm onboard with pushing it if W is not open to it.

MV, please keep being direct. I feel like we're in this weird limbo b/t S and not in the Ws mind. At least that's the story she seems to be spinning w/ recent comments and the agreement on MC. I've no doubt that it's to her benefit.

Then I would just be quiet and look at her in a calm but confident manner. If she spews I would just walk away. If she walks away I would go back to what I was doing. If she changes her tone I would listen and try to have a rational conversation. No need to get heated or have an argument. You can control how you react and if it escalates or not. Don't let her control the tone of any interaction. It's rare that someone will keep up the bad behavior after they know it has no effect.

Completely on board w/ this. I have been allowing her to control the tone and I think I've let her continue heated conversations too far, especially in front of my D. I've been trying to find a balance of standing up for myself, relieving stress on D, and probably not rocking the boat. It sounds like I should be more focused on standing up for myself and pursuing other avenues to relieve stress on my D.

Will journal in a little bit, but I meet w/ my L today in a few hours to get their thoughts on a plan. MC on Monday for first time w/ W. Interested to view how she acts/reacts in there. Hoping to get a gauge of what's going on with her. No real interaction the past week or so w/ her other than "family" time type stuff. Thank you to everyone for the advice and thoughts. Sorry I've been absent as of late!

[JRuss]

lt -- I'll be really interested to hear how your MC goes. As I mentioned in my thread, my W out of the blue told me she'd go (this after me trying to get her to go for over 2 years). I'm not letting myself get too hopeful. I likely will be a few weeks behind you but hopefully we can support each other.

Keep fighting the good fight!

[lt0402]

Funny enough JR I just responded in your thread while you wrote this! I'll definitely keep you in the loop on how it goes. I'm taking the tact of having no expectations bc I'm not sold my W is genuinely doing it for our MR. We will see.

Regardless, it's a different path to go down. We will figure out if it's a cheese-less tunnel or not.

Met with L and validated some of the things I've been conveying to W about not moving out and not letting her take my D. L said that if R is my goal then I should continue this way until she pushes things forward and the L will be prepared and more active at that point. We talked about some goals in case it comes to that and overall was a good meeting.

Other than that, quiet day. No gym this morning but am going tonight and all weekend. Going to a new park with D to do Pokemon on Sunday. Play the rest of the weekend by ear.

[lt0402]

Fun day today with D. Woke up and did my run then went across town with D to a park/botanical garden to explore and hunt some Pokemon (man she loves that game). Found some new ones we didn't have and we were both pretty excited. Tons of exercise early today which felt great.

Came home, ate lunch, and then W took D out to pickup some stuff for a school project. I watched my college team destroy Ws college team (my own little selfish delight today ) and actually took a power nap bc I was so wiped from the morning. Been years since I'd done that and it felt great.

Went out as a "family" for dinner. W got annoyed that I was being loud while we waited for a table outside (I have a naturally louder voice, though it's not earth shaking like W believes) so D and I walked around collecting Pokemon near the restaurant. Pleasant time at dinner. The 3 of us joked around and talked some. Been awhile since we'd done a dinner out with the 3 of us. On the way home W made a snide comment about me wasting time driving to the gym to run on the treadmill. Addressed it calmly and shut that down. She still pokes at quite a few things. Silly really, but it is what it is.

W dressed nicely tonight, but the strange thing is I didn't really find myself checking her out all evening like I used to. It's hard to put my finger on it, but it's like there's a different air around her now. I see this woman with D and I but she's a shell of what she once was to me. I can't quite put my finger on it.

W isn't drinking every evening like she was awhile ago, and she's been consistently in bed by 12 every night the past couple weeks. The past few nights she's even stopped clinging to the edge of her side of the bed and has traversed to the middle. I know bc I still sleep like crap and wake up when she comes to bed and a few times after that each night. I really wish the sleeping issues would fix themselves.

That said, the weight loss from the stress appears to have stopped. I'd dropped 20lbs since this started and have gotten about 10 back. Right where I think I need to be. Guessing that's a function of my body constantly being in a panicked state.

Just noticing small things recently. Most of them are with me and not wrapped around my W. I don't know what will come of the MC on Monday, still not convinced my W shows up, but we will see. I'm at a point now where my well being doesn't seem to hinge on every little thing W does. Feels strange, but comforting.

I know I need to continue fighting the disrespect. It's tiring but necessary. Picking my battles, and there do seem to be less lately, but unsure how combative W will be in MC. I'll need to continue to let her know I won't tolerate the disrespect, even in MC.

Ds friends dad who is recently S and I took out to shoot pool a couple weeks ago continues to text my W. I've tried supporting him and may invite him out for wings and football tomorrow. he's a SAHD so they've talked in the past, but I've got his texting on my radar. Last thing I need is some other weird twist to this whole thing. In the meantime, will continue to try to help him through his situation, though he hasn't been real responsive to it.

Taking it one day at a time now. Who knows where this path goes, but myself and my Ds and my relationship will all be stronger for it. W is welcome to join us, but is not a requirement anymore. It's a shame really. I see a path where we are all happy and another where D and I are happy. Doesn't seem to make sense to follow the latter, but W very well may choose that one. But I'm realizing that's her choice to make.

I fight for D and myself. Thanks for letting me lay all this out here. Appreciate everyone as always!

[cheesyt]

curious, anxious and somewhat excited to hear about MC.
I like where your head is at in this whole situation. You seem to be pretty grounded.

Awesome about the pokemon. My gps stopped working so we can't catch any. one day I'll replace my phone.

all quiet on this end.
-cheesyt

[AndrewP]

I know I need to continue fighting the disrespect. It's tiring but necessary. Picking my battles, and there do seem to be less lately, but unsure how combative W will be in MC. I'll need to continue to let her know I won't tolerate the disrespect, even in MC.

lt0402 - it sounds like you've found some cheesy tunnels. It's tough making changes but you're becoming stronger every day. From the fact that your W isn't on the edge of the bed all the time and has cut back on the drinking may mean that the current loop around the cycle is hitting a calm point.

A agree about your friend texting your W being a cause for concern and can't really think of a great way of addressing it other than perhaps addressing it head-on. You can say honestly that you're worried about your W being depressed and vulnerable and making poor decisions (?) Not sure if that's a good idea or not and you have to expect that whatever you say to him will get back to her and she doesn't have a good history when you "interfere" with her.

[lt0402]

Cheesyt, yeah, I'm going in with no expectations. If anything, ive braced myself for what may be an onslaught from my W. I'd give it a small chance of being beneficial but who knows, maybe I'll be surprised. Still not sure why she's doing it on her end. Sorry to hear about the phone! D and I will catch some Pokemon for you until you're back into it!

AP, I feel stronger but know I'm not even close to as strong as I need to be yet. W still has a way of putting me on my back foot when she confronts me. Getting there slowly but surely though.

I'm also unsure yet how to manage the S friend speaking to W on text so much. Trying to support him with the thought that everything I say may make it back to W. I'm taking the previous advice of supporting him consistent with what I am doing in my situation. Stand strong and unwavering for your family and M. Still bothers me that he'd be talking to W on text, but at this point I'm unsure I can squash it fully without looking like I'm trying to control W. Will continue to monitor it and act if needed I think.

Just as I said that W was showing signs of loosening up, she's gotten cold again today. Clung to the edge of the bed last night. Got on me for spending "too much time" with D and keeping her from maturing and spending time with her friends. W actually said its not normal for a 9yr old girl to want to spend so much time with her dad. I see all this for what it is as its very much the opposite of other things she's also said I'm doing wrong. I tried having a small dialogue with her on it, but as it was going nowhere and she was getting worked up, I told her that I was headed to the gym. She told me she didn't give a f@(k what I did and stormed upstairs.

Perhaps I should have handled it differently but it felt like a no win situation that was just going to end in a blowup. Me just leaving may have been passive aggressive. Not sure.

Tomorrow is MC. Just gave her the address for it. I'll be there 15 minutes early. We will see if she comes and if she does what type of mood she's in. Unsure what will happen, but interested to see it bc it'll give me more clarity around what's going on.

Thanks all!

[lt0402]

Just when it starts being quiet. W just exploded about me putting laundry in the machine when she asked me not to. Only problem is she never asked me not to and I put it in well before she said she asked me not too. Also got angry that I was talking to D and "distracting" D while D was getting ready for a bath after dinner.

D came over and again consoled my W about the whole thing. I told W I had laundry in the machine and it was in there for awhile. W stormed off upstairs after that. It's getting really old. I'm not sure how I explain to her she thinks she's saying things that she is not. Not sure I should even try. Frustrating though.

Almost seems like she's got angst over the appt tomorrow and is trying to find an excuse to get out of it. Maybe trying to get me to lose it so she can call it off. Not going to fall for it if that's what it is. If she wants to cancel, that's fine, but it won't be because of an excuse I create for her.

Living in crazy town, hoping I'm not a permanent resident here...