Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks Cadet, still working my way through the first set of homework given but I'll get there.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
You've got a lot of homework to read through, but if you have questions along the way, please feel free to post them here and the posters will provide guidance, advice, suggestions, etc.
It's okay to express your anger here because we don't like to have that turned towards the spouse or anyone in your life right now. This is a safe place to vent. Yes, we do hand out 2 x 4's periodically, but only if they are warranted. We care about the posters and we want to help you navigate the path you are walking on at the moment. It's never a straight one because there will be twists, turns and plenty of bumps along the way, so w/saying all of that...back to the reading.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm also in the UK, but about 400 miles to the North!
I've just had a read through your thread on newcomers and I have to say, it's not abnormal at all. Yep, that LBS diet works wonders and the insomnia just sets it all off nicely.
When I look back now, there were all sorts of warning signs that I didn't pick up on. Feel free, if you've got a few years, of reading through the 19 threads of mine on newcomers! Or, alternatively, don't and I'll let you know that my W also went down the separation route via a solicitor. Whatever you do, don't feel pressurised in to signing a separation agreement, or agreeing to anything. I didn't, but we still sold the house.
As for OM, I can't say about mine, but who knows. Sadly, it's a feeling you'll get use to shrugging off. The snooping will become less as well as you knuckle down for a bear fight. You're goal right now is to look after you and your kids. They have to be the object of your primary concern. Right now, your W can't be trusted to behave normally, so you have to be the better parent.
Clothing changes and teeth whitening are normal, as is, apparently, surgery. My W has just had a tummy tuck, so stand by for that one.
Listen to Wonka, sandi2, Cadet, Jack3B and Job. They're the experts around here (they have all been through it, or inflicted it on somebody) and give invaluable advice.
Don't give it!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Yes recognise my frustrations & anger have not helped my situation at all. I'm looking to do much better at controlling my reactions to W's behaviour/spewing in future, so having a place to vent will be useful; hopefully this'll ensure no one in close physical proximity sees anything less than the best version of me.
Quite happy to take the odd 2x4 as well if I'm out of line, or if my thinking/actions stray from the rational.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
Thanks, will check out your threads as anything that can prepare me for what's to come can hopefully ensure I meet it with the right reaction, 'forewarned is forearmed' right?
A few of the more experienced DB-ers have already made their introduction and as you can guess I'm still trying to get Cadet's homework done.
Interestingly RAI offered a very good POV on my initial thread wrt the potential separation agreement that may come out of Mediation...
Originally Posted By: RAI
Regarding mediation, how does one mediate with a partner who has no scruples. Would you enter into a business partnership with someone who behaves this way?
...and I'll keep in mind that I shouldn't react & sign out of pressure; thanks. Incidentally, Mediation is to be carried out by Relate; 1st app scheduled for mid-late Sept. Think my W is struggling w/ her own finances and Relate will be a cheaper option. I did enlist the services of a solicitor, who specialises in Family Law & mediation, to help with the Court Order W raised against me, so fingers x-d his expertise will come in handy in this area too.
Haven't seen any teeth whitening yet but there was a visit to the dentist this week, just a little too close to her last regular check-up, so will keep an eye out for that one!
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
Since you are new the Board, I would like to point out that you will need to stick to one thread until you've reached the 100 postings/replies. Once you have done so, then start a new one. Also, you change your subject line whenever you want within a thread and it's not necessary to start a new thread because you have a new thought or subject.
The only reason that I'm pointing this out now is because you have two threads that are showing up on the Newcomers' forum and Cadet will more than likely merge them together at some point.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would stop mediation right now. I did one session with my W and it was awful. It was with Relationship Scotland which is the portion of relate up here. My W thought the counsellor was on my side only and just made things worse. Seriously, unless your W wants to be part of the process, there is nothing in this but heartache.
Remember, anyone who doesn't see there side of the story is an enemy. I went for the next session on my own (I'd already paid for it) and the next counsellor was firmly in the 'let her go' school of thought.
Just my tuppence worth!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Just another one, you don't have to react to any solicitors letters with regard a separation order, unless specified by the court. Personally, I just ignored them and W gave up in the end and removed/destroyed all the letters.
I believe that she has to prove that you would be abusive towards her, in order for her to get a protection order for the kids. Your S should point you right there.
Watch your solicitor pounds - they soon mount up! Oh, and right now, your W's finances are her problem, not yours!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
