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AmyTx Offline OP
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Thank you! This forum is helping me so much. I did mention to one of my friends (someone that he does not talk to) about this forum and she flipped out. I tried to explain that I'm not being his doormat, but willing to stand by and see where things go. There still is no sign of PA, just an EA. But I gues the PA will come soon enough. I am glad he has moved out so I do not have to witness that.

Last night he came over to pick up our daughter for dinner. He came inside and insisted on helping with a few things. I smile, said thank you, and then left the room. It hurts so much .. Seeing him with his handsome smile and charm. He even gave me his large bonus he got from work to pay off my credit cards he maxed out. At least he is helping with that.

I hope he will see the changes I'm making -- but I'm making for me and not him. I'm down about 15 pounds since he left and I'm excited to be wearing some clothes I had not in a while.

I am currently at the hospital waiting for my 1 year ctscan to make sure my cancer is still gone. I need to keep myself healthy and be an example for my daughter. Keep going to the gym .. Making friends .. And GAL.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 59
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HTM Offline
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Hi AmyTx,

Try not to think of the EA going PA or even look for it, been dealing with that far too much in my sitch and it'll send you almost as loopy as the MLCer S.

What sort of gym work are you doing... zumba, yoga, cardio?

Hope, and fingers x-d for you, the 1yr scan comes back clear.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
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AmyTx Offline OP
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Okay .. Good advice HTM.. Just so hard to not think about since this was never an issue before. After reading the forum -- I see that I'm not alone -- by having a spouse that so completely changed.

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with these issues as well.

I am still recovering from my thoracotomy -- so very limited upper body work. Lately just treadmill and stair climber -- lots of cardio. My gym does not offer classes so I need to find a place that does to meet more people.

He has our daughter this weekend so I know I'll be looking for something to do. Maybe I'll check out a Zumba class!


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 73
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AmyTx Offline OP
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Having a rough day and reading through the forums. I should be out doing something, but I'm waiting for my H to bring our D back from her staying the weekend with him. It was a hard weekend. I ended up hooking up my H PS4 and spent last night playing Fallout because I could not read anymore .. And I was afraid I would start checking his FB again.

The BD was a month ago .. But I feel as if years have gone by.

Next month is my birthday, our anniversary, and the start of something that my H and I have done for years and years. It's an event that is on the weekends and lasts for several weeks. My D is excited about going .. But I just want to boycott it.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 906
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I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. With that said, your hubby is with this girl and I'd bet my life has been for a while. He's following a script on this sort of behavior to the letter.

I think you need to do a little digging and stop letting him dictate the future of your relationship. You get a say too. Read up on the 180 and implement it. You can't nice them back.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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job Offline
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Amy,

I'm sorry you are having a rough day...you are going to have good and bad days as you travel the path. I'm sure you'll be happy when your D returns home.

You really need to try to break the habit of checking his FB page. Many times, what is posted on FB doesn't necessarily mean he's having a good time. It's a place to go to brag and yes, stretch the truth a bit. If he has any inkling that you are checking it, he could very well embellish on what he's posting.

I realize that you are still not up to "full strength" just yet, but you need to find some hobbies to work on. Here are a few examples, a nice quiet walk, a visit to a café and have a cup of coffer or a glass of ice tea and while there, people watch, a visit to the library, I did a lot of jigsaw puzzles when my xh left, a visit to the local nursing home to cheer up some patients, volunteer at a soup kitchen. The list goes on and on, but this will help get you motivated to think of things that you could do in your community at your pace.

Sounds like October is going to a tough month. Keep those expectations to zero because often the MLCer will not recognize those special days and I don't want you to be disappointed if he doesn't. If you don't feel up to going to that event that lasts a few weekends, then don't go. You are the only one that has control over you and what you do w/your life.

I do hope that you get good news from your latest test. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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AmyTx Offline OP
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Just checking in ... my daughter and I have started walking in the evenings to get some exercise and also a chance for us to really chat. I am also going to go this weekend and pick up a few puzzles .. thanks job for the suggestion. I go in 2 weeks to meet with my oncologist about my CT Scan and my 1 year checkup. Praying no signs of the lung cancer returning!!! I also started working more hours to help with finances and keep me out of the home. Next month -- H will begin only paying child support (even though we are only separated) and no longer helping with the rest of the household bills. Even though he does not need to pay rent on his condo until January.

The one thing that I am having trouble getting over -- is something that I read online. Which is just an online opinion -- but it has really hit me hard. It talked about the spouse in a midlife crisis is there because of both spouses. Actions I took, defects in me -- caused him to feel the only way out was through escape.

I am really trying to search inward and fix what is wrong with me. However, this is quite painful because I truly thought I was being a 'good' wife. Looking back I now see where I could have made changes -- and this hurts so bad.

I see now that I allowed him to cross boundaries in our marriage. When he pushed me away and was angry at me for something -- I retreated. I always tried to keep him happy and did not speak up when something he did caused me hurt. It was easier to avoid than to cause more conflict. I craved being around him and I should have made time for myself that did not involved him. When he stopped showing me affection, I should have talked to him about it and how it made me feel. Instead I just retreated further and allowed it to affect my self esteem.

I truly see this a journey for both of us -- one I never wanted ... I only pray I come out the other side and prove to be an example for my daughter!


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Jul 2014
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Amy

I'll chime in just a touch as I've been there and done that as far as the "How did this Crisis thing start"

First off, it wasn't something you did .... I repeat ... It's not YOU who sent him into MLC, think of it as an old WWII bomb that has been sitting in a hill dormant for years, everything seemed normal till that little girl rode her bicycle over the hill and suddenly it went off. Is it the girls fault? No.... She was simply being a kid and riding her bike.

The crisis is much the same, it was going to go off with you or whom ever he ended up with. I can't speak for you nor everyone here but let's use my marriage. Things started getting rocky and as a husband I attempted to fix things here and there, tried to keep the peace, tried to make her happy but to no avail.... The more I tried the more I seemed to fall short. Did this make her crisis worse??? Who knows ... I could have certainly held my ground on so many areas but to play the "what if I" game is really a waste of time. She was going to enter into the crisis regardless of what I did or didn't do.

All any of us can do now is become better for this thing we never asked for. I did this

I've shared this before ... As I learned it here

For me the change started with one simple thing. I made my bed every morning. This was the first of a list of changes... I made that damn bed. Was something I could look at and say "Ok... I have done 2 things, I got my butt out of bed, and I have a nice made bed to come home to"

Second one was the lists .... Write 3 lists
List 1: 10 Things you like about yourself (at the time this was a challenge)
List 2: 10 Things you admire in other Women
List 3: 10 Things you want to change about yourself (CAREFUL HERE.... Another things your spouse complained about... Things YOU feel you could be better at)

Post this list where you can see it several times a day and begin to think of how you can replace the things on List #3 with things from List #2


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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"I see now that I allowed him to cross boundaries in our marriage. When he pushed me away and was angry at me for something -- I retreated. I always tried to keep him happy and did not speak up when something he did caused me hurt. It was easier to avoid than to cause more conflict. I craved being around him and I should have made time for myself that did not involved him. When he stopped showing me affection, I should have talked to him about it and how it made me feel. Instead I just retreated further and allowed it to affect my self esteem."

Hi Amy, I agree with what Cali posted and I think if you had been a different kind of W entirely, the crisis would likely have happened anyway.

What you posted above chimed with me and I do think it is worth reflecting on this. My issues were similar - our M was loving and low conflict. I was a peacemaker and tended to smooth over things, also not voicing things that didn't matter to me.

I have come to see that I struggled to really bring myself to the R. I brought what I thought others would want and therefore accept me. I found the books by Brene Brown really helpful in this whole area and I do see things differently and would strive for different things now.

But when you do all of this, do it primarily for you and with the focus on what kind of R you want going forwards - whether that be with your H or some other lucky guy at some point in the future...

Take care, you're doing really well Amy xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sorry - I meant to say 'did matter to me' :)x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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