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job Offline
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I'm right there w/J3B, i.e., not a fan of praise. I can be just as cranky/direct as the next person and my patience shovel is on automatic dig quite often. LOL! Each and every poster is awesome in my books. Why? Because each and every poster comes here seeking advice, a shoulder to lean on and to learn how to survive and thrive along the way. You know what? They, in turn, actually help others w/their postings and that means sharing and caring w/others. So, yes, everyone that comes here is awesome in his/her own right.

So, pat yourself on your back...you've come a long way in a short period of time and you are helping others too.

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Amy,
Sadly, yours is not the first WAS here to run away when the LBS has a cancer diagnosis. Sometimes I think it is just a matter of them being too weak to face the fear of losing you. Sometimes I think they were already fooling around and just selfishly don't want the responsibility of caring for a spouse with cancer when they had already started to plan their escape. And some of them were just always narcissists who couldn't be counted on to do anything selfless.

My ex was the last type.......I always knew on some level that I wouldn't be able to count on him if I developed some difficult diagnosis like cancer. Heck, he was barely any help if I got the stomach flu.

My current boyfriend, on the other hand..... I am quite confident that should any medical catastrophe occur, he would be right there with me in the trenches.

The advice I would give you right now:
- your recovery is number one. Stress, lack of sleep, comfort eating.... All are bad for your recovery. You need sleep, exercise, sunshine, and a super healthy diet of fruits and vegetables, organic meats, low carbs (cancer loves sugar). Your attention needs to be focused here, for you and for your daughter. Look up the importance of vitamin D in cancer on grassrootshealth and research metformin and cancer.

- your daughter is number two. You need to be her rock. She will challenge you, both because she's a teen and because you are the "safe" parent to rage against. Don't take it personally.

- having fun is number three. Seriously. I know it sounds ridiculous , but seriously: if you knew for sure that the cancer would come back in five years, would you really want to waste your time on all H's drama? Or would you want to get out there and LIVE? Do some of the great things you always wanted to do? Make great memories with your daughter? Don't wait on your H. Just start living.

- let go or be dragged. Your H may or may not come back in the future, but for right now, just live your life for you and your daughter. Protect yourself financially, get good legal advice. Live your best life. He's actually much more likely to return if you create a great, interesting life for yourself.

- throw out the rose colored glasses. It took me a long time to recognize my ex's narcissism, but everything makes much more sense now. I'm betting that eventually you'll see your H never was quite the great guy you thought he was. Because a great guy wouldn't run away from a spouse battling cancer.

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AmyTx Offline OP
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I have an appointment to meet with a therapist tomorrow. I feel like I cannot stop thinking about him ...

He sent me another email today. Stating he is not dating but there is someone he is interested in .. Who is about 18 years younger than him. He has been spending his evenings alone at his new condo or going to dinner at his boss's house only. He says he is trying to find himself. He told me he has been having doubts about our relationship for a few years but could never tell me. He said he wished he could have just done something that would cause me to kick him out -- but he never wanted to hurt me. And there will always be a place for me in his heart and he hopes we can remain friend. I don't know if any of this is truth or lies.

I read the email over and over again just wishing I could yell at him. But I won't give him the satisfaction. Next week he is getting a big bonus at work that we will use to pay off the credit cards he maxed out this summer -- buying new clothes and toys. Then we will start process of a divorce.

Even at our worst moments -- I had faith in us and was willing to fight. I am devistated that he gave up on us and never told me! Never tried to fix us.

I am trying my best to heal, rebuild me, get new hobbies, make new friends -- but I just feel worthless at this moment. I have read the posts and have had people tell me it gets easier -- but right now I am just done. Praying tomorrow morning will be a little brighter.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
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Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
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Hi Amy,
I am dealing with a similar situation. My husband is also 45 and he left me out of the blue last April. At first he claimed there was no one else. Then he said he had a crush on someone and that must mean he no longer had feelings for me. Then I found out he was in a full on sexual affair with someone 20+ years younger. You can see my name here is "cliched." My husband is a doctor. His affair is with a first year nurse. He also recently told me he wants a divorce and I am finally at the point where I am beginning to understand that this is not my fault, that I will be OK without him, that this whole thing is ridiculous. My guess is that your husband is having AT LEAST an emotional affair with this woman, if not more, and he is bring cruel for making you feel like it is anything you did. I had a ruptured disc and knee problems and my stbexh got very active in martial arts and later said that my physical problems slowed him down. Nice, right? This is not normal behavior. This is not what spouses should do. This is not what love it. Don't torture yourself thinking about what you could have done differently. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is truly awful.

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AmyTx Offline OP
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Thank you Clinched:

Yes my husband did some of the same things with me. Before my lung cancer was found, I would get winded easily (I just thought it was because I was out of shape) and I was always tired. Come to find out I was only use 1 1/4 of my lungs. He pretty much made fun of me -- until a ctscan showed my tumor. Even after I was healing from my surgery -- he made comments that I was acting too old and I needed to act younger.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 73
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AmyTx Offline OP
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And to everyone that has posted -- I do appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I have never experienced pain like this and after reading the forum it helps to know it does get better. And the hope that I might be happy again -- even if it is without him. It is sad to see so many people with such similar stories. All these wayward spouses -- just doing what makes them feel good and leaving their families to pick up the pieces


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 73
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AmyTx Offline OP
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Kml -- thanks for all the tips and I did just find out that my vitamin d is low. I start taking a new vitamin once a week now.

I appreciate all the suggestions and am trying to get rid of my rose colored glasses. Lol

And I am glad to know you have someone special who does appreciate and take care of you. Gives me hope for the future -- But not soon because I need to heal first.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
Joined: Sep 2015
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Hey Amy. Just a quick note as I saw the low on vitamin D comment. It also helped during this ever so stressful time to take a B-complex. My doc suggested it because the stress after H left was causing me to shake so badly I thought I was having symptoms of major physical issues. It does help with the stress.

Hang in there. My H moved pretty fast, BD to D filing being only 6 months. It took awhile to have a semblance of control over my emotions and health, but it will come with time. Those rose colored glasses are getting pretty banged up, scratched and faded, as well. Time for a new clearer pair.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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clichéd,

Welcome to the MLC Forum. I noticed that this is your first posting. It would be helpful to you, as well as the posters, if you created a thread of your own. Don't be afraid...we all lurk for a bit and then post on someone's thread, but at the end of the day, we discover it's best to create our own thread so that we have something to look back on later to see just how far we've come.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
#2704071 09/14/16 07:22 AM
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AmyTx Offline OP
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So .. it has official been a month since my H dropped the bomb. The 'I love you, but not in love with you.' And the " you will always have a place in my heart".

He moved out but is still helping me financially and spending time with our daughter. He is showing classic signs of a MLC -- chatting with a new young girl (denies PA), bought a corvette, changes to clothing / spending habits/ new hobbies, pulling away from me, angry, depressed, he recently lost both his parents, and turned 45 the week before bomb drop.

Since the bomb drop -- I went from the weeping wife begging for her husband to the somewhat strong woman I am today. However, the strength I have is only on the outside. Inside I am crushed and feel like I am dying. Because I can no longer function like this -- I found a professional to talk to. Anyone else do this?

From my 1 meeting -- she has discovered that we are both avoiders and when two avoiders get married -- it always ends in an affair. Yes, I admit that I did sometimes hide my feelings for what I thought was the good of the family. I sucked it up -- and did the responsible thing. I worked hard outside of the home and in the home. I was the only parent that was there for our daughter (helping with homework and attending all her functions). Actually I was the one that spent the most time with her since my H's hobbies (they started about 3 years ago) were very important to him -- and he would do events without us on the weekends. It was more important to do the event than spend time with us.

I also know that the last 3 years (out of 17 together) were rocky. We had deaths in the family, I was really sick and then they found cancer, he switched jobs a few times .. but I thought that what we had was worth trying to save.

I am no longer sure if he is in a MLC or if he is just unhappy. But how do you react when your H tells you he wants to date other woman, enjoys the thrill of flirting with them, but may still want to date you as well .. just dont get your hopes up????


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
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