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Originally Posted By: NYGal


This is important. There came a point where I realized that W was doing everything she could do to reassure me, and I was the one causing the problems because I couldn't let it go.


This is my worst issue. We had MC last night and my W said she needs to separate because I don't trust her anymore - not just with OM, but in general. For some reason, my worry and anxiety has spiked recently and she's been taking the brunt of it.

I guess we'll see what separation brings. This was so hard for me to let go, I'm not sure I ever will...


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
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Ugh. I'm so sorry. Re-read the book and work the program. Do your best to let it go and GAL. What you do next is so important. Can you get a DB coach?


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Trust. It's not easy. Today W and ow were in a 5 hour meeting meeting together. We reviewed the protocol this morning before work. Don't sit together, avoid her, etc. Text updates. W: Of course, I promise!
I got one text... "all fine, not at my table."
I wrote back, "What did you say to her?" I got nothing back until 20 minutes after the meeting. "I just got out. No communication." Oh, ok, fine. Except for the fact that I was in a meeting in the same building and saw them walk out together smiling and laughing 10 minutes earlier. Together.

This is 9 months after we began reconciliation, people. Seven months after I moved back home. The lies continue. So Stormchaser, if you're seeing this? Good luck to you my friend. It takes a whole lot of self control to deal with these situations.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Hi NYG, this is JMHO but I think you are trying to micromanage the interactions between your W and prior OW, which I don't think is a good dynamic in your R.

What if you just released that and accepted - either she wants to be in this R with me - or she will interact with OW? Is it helping the situation for you to be agreeing protocols, which she then doesn't follow - but lies to you about it because she knows you will be upset?

I understand the fear that it could happen again - truly. But I think letting go of the control would be a good thing...

JMHO of course and I'm sorry your W wasn't honest about the interaction...xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: darknes

Given those parameters, what is your plan? My concern for you is that your W has no fear of crossing your boundaries. Sure, youre going to get mad or 'lose it', and then what? Time marches on, you swallow it, and you guys resume living your life.


My concern has not changed. Your boundaries seem so flimsy in that you say you arent willing to accept this kind of contact with OW, but then theres no real consequence to it once W crosses that line. Sure, you get mad or in this case, you left the house for a bit...but does W have any inclination that this might be a deal breaker for you? Does she have fear that YOU would be the one to walk away?

Hawker said above that you need to protect yourself. And I wholeheartedly agree. You DO need to protect yourself. But not just financially...emotionally as well.


As W continues to show the same behaviors, what is your plan? To continue to rug-sweep?

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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Trust. It's not easy. Today W and ow were in a 5 hour meeting meeting together. We reviewed the protocol this morning before work. Don't sit together, avoid her, etc. Text updates. W: Of course, I promise!
I got one text... "all fine, not at my table."
I wrote back, "What did you say to her?" I got nothing back until 20 minutes after the meeting. "I just got out. No communication." Oh, ok, fine. Except for the fact that I was in a meeting in the same building and saw them walk out together smiling and laughing 10 minutes earlier. Together.

This is 9 months after we began reconciliation, people. Seven months after I moved back home. The lies continue. So Stormchaser, if you're seeing this? Good luck to you my friend. It takes a whole lot of self control to deal with these situations.


So, what became of this?

If its any consolation, I also just found out my W had communicated with OM. Being its a fitness/health type facility, I had figured there HAD to be some kind of communication besides the usual "hello goodbye". W constantly reassured me that they rarely if ever speak, but then casually told me just now that she had referred a client to "butthole". So, of course, because they now have the same client, I know there's going to be regular interaction between them.

This discourages me, yet I know it was bound to come out. I'm pretty angry, yet I know why its done. To avoid such arguments. I was told in therapy that its a protective thing the WS do - they know they caused all this harm, so to stop causing anything more they lie. Its likely nothing is going on. More than likely. Almost 100% certain. The WS is feeling back to normal so they want to return back to a normal life, yet here we are, the betrayed, being triggered by these casual encounters.

Ugh.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
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NYGal, I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. Are you going to bring it up in counseling?

It seems like your W is still in a fog. It doesn't sound like she really has taken in how much she's hurt you. Also, she may be afraid of your anger?

((((((NYGal))))))


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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NYGal, what is your gut feeling about your W's interactions with OW? Do you think they are innocent? Is W lying to you to cover up illicit behavior, or is she lying to avoid your reaction? And can you live with lies, whatever the reason?

WH used to lie to me constantly. Some of it was to cover up his shenanigans, but later, I think another part was that it was easier to lie than tell the truth, be questioned, and not believed anyway. I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for that because, hey, if you want people to believe you...don't lie and cheat in the first place...nonetheless...not all lies mean cheating.

In an ideal situation, W would have enough respect for your feelings not to engage in these behaviors that upset you, but that's not happening. But either way, our "protocols" that bring us reassurance are not a panacea. W could seemingly follow your requests down to a perfect science and still find a way to skirt around behind your back if she wanted. Mine did. WH was the epitome of remorse and made it a point to tell me where he was at every point of the day, text me constantly, send me photos of where he was at and who he was with, show me the texts received on his phone...everything. He was still cheating. I would never have known except OW called and told me everything, and then he confessed.

You can't control W no matter what, and even if she did everything you asked, it wouldn't be a guarantee of her honesty. As difficult as it is, either you trust her, or you don't. If you trust her, let it go. If you don't trust her, are you willing to leave, or will you accept anything she does, as long as it means you get to be in a relationship with her?


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Thanks for all your good advice. Update: W talked it all out with our MC in a private appointment. Then a friend who's going through a D because her partner of 22 years is having an A came over and cried and was so miserable. It gave W a chance to see the pain As cause. So both the therapy and this realization have made things better. W is trying, and so am I.

And I'm reading MWD's book on infidelity and finding it incredibly helpful. I wish i had it 6 months ago.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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I am glad that things are going better!! :-) I'm sorry to hear about your friend...ugh...22 years...so much pain I am sure. What did your W have to say about seeing your friend like that?

Keep up the good work!! :-)


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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