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Yes lovely lady please update

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Bonjour Rouky! Hello Vanilla! I'm doing well. Piecing is tough. I have to remember that all the DB things that helped us R will help make the relationship better. Like being more independent. Learning to validate. Listening. It's easy to slip back into old habits and that doesn't help.

Went to a work party last Friday night. We both knew in advance that ow would be there. Thinking back to Wonka's advice from earlier, I got a new (red) outfit, cut and colored my hair, got a manicure with a bright red color... and felt like I was looking good! W wasn't sure that she wanted to go to the party, and I told her it was her decision and I'd honor that. I wasn't even sure until that day that we were going. I wanted to, because I thought it was an opportunity for me to face that ow hurdle on MY terms - prepared and ready.

When we drove up I saw her car in the parking lot, so we knew she was already there. We walked in and there she was in her black and white polka dotted glory, standing right in the spot where anyone coming in would see her. We hung up our coats and walked into the party right past her and began to socialize -- together and separately. Very soon, I was talking to someone and ow turned toward me, caught my eye, and started to walk toward me. I turned my gaze back to the guy I was talking with and ow turned around and went back to the group she had been talking with. It certainly felt like she was going to say something to me, then changed her mind. Wise decision, sow.

At one point I went into another room with a man who had attended a funeral of a friend that day and he seemed to want to talk about it privately. I admit I felt nervous having W and sow out of my sight, but I'm glad I was able to do that.

After about 2 hours, W and I were standing almost back to back as we interacted with two different groups of people. Out of the corner of my eye I see polka dots approaching W -- she joins her group, standing at her left. I was at W's right. I panicked. I'm sure I had a deer in the headlights look. I turned to W, tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Time to go." To her credit, she turned immediately and we thanked the host and left. It felt like a complete victory. I didn't have to be humiliated standing helplessly by while ow flirted with my W. I didn't have to see others noticing, because many in that room knew that ow is the homewrecker. But I'll never understand why these stupid OP don't understand that it's not exactly cool to approach the AP when the AP's spouse is standing there. Whatever.

However... the next day W said she felt bad all day and wished I had let her handle it. I panicked all over again, fearing that now she would have to smooth things over with ow the next time she sees her. Or worse, that W would contact her to tell her I embarrassed her or something. It turned into a fight because I lost my temper -- my response to panic.

I kept thinking about how when I let W handle it her way she 1) had lunch with ow two months after I moved back in, for "closure", 2) six weeks later walked her to her car after a meeting wherein they got all caught up on their respective relationships (none of ow's business how we're doing, dammit), and 3) sent her a wine list from the New York Times after we had a fight about a month ago. So forgive me if I don't have the confidence to TRUST that you'll handle it, W!

Most importantly, I cannot lose my temper because it shows my panic. I have to continue to GAL. I have to continue to work on validating and listening, like I said above. And I have to, I guess, act as though I hardly care if she sees ow? IDK about that. But what else can I do?

Next time, I'll post all the witty comebacks I've come up with just in case ow every does come up to me and says, "How are you?"


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Hi, NYGal!

Good to see an update from you. It sounds like anger is something you could work on in IC, but I got to say that I think you're being put through some almost unbearable challenges. I can't even imagine going to a party with OW and dealing with her in the workplace like you have to. She clearly had not given up.

If you're not seeing an IC now, I think you could consider it. you need the support and a place to vent. I also think you could talk with a L who specializes in HR issues. It could be good for you to know about what could potentially be done about OW and her transgressions in the workplace.

I hope your holiday is peaceful and happy!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Nicely handled.

I would still prefer blackout with the SOW. Polka dots how apt!

Daisy.....

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Happy New Year all. Aren't you glad 2016 is over? Worst. Year. Ever.
I've made it through one year past BD (11/4/15) and then all sorts of one-year-milestones - the day W said ow is "in my heart" - the day she told me her decision to leave me was final (1/1/16 - great way to start the year) -- finding out that New Years Eve was the night their EA went to PA. At midnight this year I burst into tears at the thought of how they celebrated last year. But I quickly dried the tears and accepted W's embrace. 1/15 is the day I had to move out. This year that day will be just a blip on the radar screen.

I'm lucky and I know it. Hang in there, all of you still fighting for your M's. Some of you will reconcile. Some of you will find happiness in your new lives separate from that person who has caused so much pain. The darkness won't last forever.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Congrats, NYGal.

Hey, when you get a chance, can you respond to my post, its in Piecing, I asked you a question on your sitch.

Thanks.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
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Happy New Year NYGal, I hope it will bring you prosperity in your personal relationship with wifey. I'm so pleased that things are getting better. You followed your guts feelings and never gave up. You have such strength. I'm so proud of you and admire you.

Even if didn't save my marriage I'm glad to have come here as I gain a friend in you. Keep us posted on how you get on.

Much love Rouky xx

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Hey Storm, I'm not sure what your question was. Why not pose it here, or send the link to your post?
Thanks.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Hey Storm, I'm not sure what your question was. Why not pose it here, or send the link to your post?
Thanks.


In Piecing, you wrote about your W working with OP.

My W cheated, but still works with OM. Its been a year. She tried to reassure me things are done between them, but after a year, it been gnawing at me more and more the fact that they're still in the same workplace.

She has a job in that where if she leaves, she will have to start from the bottom up - in her field, that could take many years, and being that she's 50, it would be very financially unwise for her to do so. She's been as transparent as can be, regrets what she did, but working with the OM just tortures me daily.

I thought I remember you saying your W and OP still work together....just wondering how you make that work?


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 1,415
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NYGal Offline OP
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Hi Storm. W, ow and I all work at the same place. W and ow are in meetings together about once a month. I sometimes see ow in my building or in hers. On Wednesday she will actually be speaking to a committee of which I'm a member (tee hee - can't wait.) I will be front and center and hope to ask her about ethics and Human Resources -- the department she heads. LOL.

I wish more than anything that W and I could leave this place, or that ow would just go somewhere, anywhere, far away. But it's not happening any time soon. So I just deal with it. W and I have an agreement that whenever they see each other -- a meeting or just by chance, she will tell me. If your W and OM work in the same small office, that's harder. However, if she has agreed to work on it with you and if it is absolutely O.V.E.R. then all you can do is try to trust her. Trust but verify. W has blocked ow on her phone. Of course they can always communicate via email, or on the office phone, but again, we have an agreement that W will tell me if ow tries to contact her. I have to believe that W won't try to contact her. And frankly, she did not hold true to that promise for the first few months. I think it's better now. I don't believe she has contacted ow, or vice versa, for about 2 months.

We did see ow at a work party, and that was the last time they saw each other.

So, what worked for me? Mainly the promise that she will tell me if they run into each other or if there is any other contact. If your W and the OM see each other regularly, and it has been a long time, then I suspect the A has truly died out. As long as you and W continue to work on your M, and as long as you are enjoying each other, I think you can probably let your guard down a lot.

This is important. There came a point where I realized that W was doing everything she could do to reassure me, and I was the one causing the problems because I couldn't let it go. She may not have been doing everything I wanted her to (I wanted her to email ow early on and tell her to never contact her again, but W refused to do that, saying she wanted to handle it her own way), but she was doing everything she felt she could do. And ultimately it was important for her to feel like she was freely choosing to avoid contact rather than having me enforce it.

It takes time. But we just have to take the risk of being fooled again. I came to realize that losing her again because I couldn't let myself forgive or trust her would be worse than just taking the risk of being fooled all over again. So I chose to trust (mostly... I still verify when I can!) and to risk being the fool. So far, so good!


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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