Six months ago my husband told me he loved me but that there was some part of him he didn't want to share with me anymore. I took it as my bomb drop. I am literally devastated. I did what I read I shouldn't do but it just felt right at the moment. I cried and begged. He is at home and we are fairly having a normal life. He just doesn't return my loving gestures. We have sex when I initiate it. He has sort of recoiled into himself. The house needs some repairs but he's not paying attention to it. Since he meant to leave some months ago, I feel he may leave any time. He keeps telling me about everything that happens at work with him and consulting other things but , on the other side, he's almost on the edge of the bed, pulling away from me. I keep on telling him how great he looks and trying to reassure him in everything but does this help? Should I keep on having intercourse when I always have to initiate it ? Is the fact that he hasn't left a good sign or he may leave any time? What would be good signs of him coming back to his senses?
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet wonderful posters who will come along and post advice, pearls of wisdom, etc. It will be up to you to read the postings and determine what is good for you and ignore the rest.
Can you give us more info about you and your h? Did something happen in the last 18-24 months that may have triggered the changes in him?
Oh, he's one of those...edge of bed huggers. Some of them do this because they don't want to be close to us, nor have us touch them. They feel guilt and shame for what they are thinking and possibly doing. We tend to call these kind of actions "we've got the cooties" because of the way they flinch or avoid all contact w/us.
As far as intercourse is concerned...that's up to you. However, you may want to think about getting a STD test done at some point. Not, saying he's been out there doing the naughty, but you never know.
As for leaving any time...no knows if he'll do it, but he's thinking about it. Sometimes they say these things to get us off their backs.
As for being interested in doing repairs around the home...that interest is gone. When MLC hits, the depression takes over and their interests in everything pre-crisis tends to go out the window until much later in time.
Marye, I don't like being the one to say this...but if this is MLC, he's got a long road ahead of him. It could takes many years for him to come back to his senses and some stay stuck.
You can be there to listen, affirm and validate, but do not pretzel yourself to please him. Why? Because no matter what you try to do to please him, he will always find something else to complain about.
For now, keep the focus on you. Try to find things to help you stay busy. I know this is worrying you...but you need to find a way to protect yourself financially. If you have a joint account, move some money over into a new account in only your name. Get your name off the joint account at some point, as well as any and all joint charge cards will need to be watched closely. Why? Because, if he follows the MLC train, he'll be spending a whole lot of money on himself. He has aleady begun to sing the "me, me, me" song.
Keep posting and definitely continue to ask questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cadet usually posts a "welcome" posting. I don't think he's around just at the moment, so I've copied his "welcome" posting with all of the links to some good homework assignments.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome Job is right…MLC takes a while It is a good thing to protect the bank accounts and credit cards,
If you notice he is spending or charging..you may want to get accounts separated The MLCer becomes someone else,,
The once responsible H spends everything..some will create debt I know it is a very difficult time at the start of it because it is a sudden change in the H we once knew so well
they spend..some cheat, they go out and party, gamble some dress funny or dye their hair..get new cars or motorcycles tattoos …
they seem to revert to a younger age..may start to criticize the spouse and blame us for everything..But it is not our fault it is a midlife crises,,their crises … some say the MLC comes from unresolved childhood issues and I believe that
The best thing you can do is begin therapy for yourself get support from other women sleep, exercise, rest, pray if you have a relationship with God try to eat and take good care of yourself I promise you…it gets easier no matter what they decide to do some stay in the home some leave it is probably harder to live with the MLCer then living alone keep posting we have all been there-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
my husband told me he loved me but that there was some part of him he didn't want to share with me anymore
I'm just going to say, this is unusual wording. How long have you been married? Has he had any affairs before? Does he have a history of depression?
I'm just asking because, well, the way he worded it is not the typical. The typical wording is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". THAT wording usually means "I've met someone else that you don't know about and I'm getting my chuckles with her"
Now, it's possible that your H's wording means the same thing. Or that he's not cheating but just so depressed that he's drawing into himself. (Any triggers, like job loss or a death in the family?) But something about his wording also makes me wonder if he could be hiding something different. Could he be gay, or trans, or have run up a tremendous credit card debt that he doesn't want to admit to? Could he have an addiction?
I don't know why his wording makes me think of these alternate possibilities - certainly an affair is the most common situation. But something about the way he said it just makes me wonder.
marye - Welcome to the forum. I don't have anything personally to offer right now other than the comfort you may find in knowing you're not alone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Please don't be afraid to post. We are all in different areas of the path, but we all are here to support one another. We can't help you if you don't return to post a bit.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Should I keep on having intercourse when I always have to initiate it ? Is the fact that he hasn't left a good sign or he may leave any time? What would be good signs of him coming back to his senses?
Hello marye,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
These are really good questions. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Mayre - so sorry you are going through this but there are many folks here to offer support or just listen. It is very overwhelming to process things but this is a safe place.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi! Thanks a lot for your answer. I was away for a while . Too much confusion!
We've been together for 22 years and His father suffered from depression. He has that tendency,too.
Those words were immediately after BD (April, 2016). At the time he was very depressed and withdrawn.Now he's better but very distant from me. No affair so far.
I was wondering about the dynamics of those who have no affair and stay at home. If I'm not mistaken, he was depressed immediately after BD, does that change the stages? In what ways?.
Thanks a lot for your answer. I really need some help to understand
MLC's main ingredient is depression. Depression runs throughout the crisis and eventually it may get a bit worse and he will go into withdrawal from you, children, pets, friends, etc. Keep in mind that the stages are not linear, but he can bounce back and forth from denial, anger, replay and withdrawal throughout the crisis.
The "stages" are the same whether he's in an affair or not. He will find something else to take his mind off the real reason he's feeling the way he does. The OP is nothing more than a distraction/band aid to his issues. Some become workaholics, sports addicts, working out at the gym, take up sailing, traveling, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. Anything that they think will ease their pain and eventually that new activity will not "fix" that pain and he'll try something else. This cycle will continue until he finally faces his demons, accept that he wasn't responsible for all that may have happened in his young life when he was stunted emotionally.
I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is still home and is still acting like a teenager/early 20's and I do not think the man has anything going on w/OP.
I also suggest that you go back and re-read the homework assignments you were given when you first came here. Also, take some time to read the threads of other posters. You'll learn so much from their postings. You can't fix and/or control him. The only person you can control is yourself and how you react to his behavior. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.
Take the time to read the threads, come back and ask questions and don't be a stranger. We are here to help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You have no idea how helpful you've been ! As you said, he had no affair but he got at the beginning completely withdrawn in a hobby that requires a lot of concentration. He spent hours and hours on that. He did that as he had a glass of wine and listened to romantic songs.
Now, he's more connected to kids and pets but not with me.
I wanted to ask if you have tips as to how to treat a live-in MLCer on a daily basis, should I leave the room when he's there, should I initiate conversation? Should I help with his things if he doesn't ask for help? Should I be loving or distant? He is always nice and very civil , luckily.
Another difficult issue for me is our sex life. I'm initiating it more often because he mentioned that as an issue in BD. At the beginning , months ago, he rejected me but not anymore. I get frustrated, though, because he's not as involved as he used to be. Should I voice this? Should I stop pursuing in this aspect ?
Any idea if this type of man in crisis ever awakens or keeping things as they usually were makes the whole thing longer?
He may be more connected w/the kids and pets...but you will be the very, very last person he reconnects to and that could be some time down the road. Dig deeper for patience.
I think I would slow down a bit and allow him to initiate sex once in a while. Depression works on their brains and they tend to find us less attractive, as well as their "functions" don't work quite as well and then they think it is us that is creating the problem.
The crisis will take as long as it takes. You are on his clock now, which is very, very SLOW. He is the one that will decide when it ends or if he likes staying in MLC. Nothing you say or do will speed it up, but you can hinder the process by taking his attention away from what he needs to do to heal himself. That's why it's important that you read everything you can on MLC and depression. It's important that you leave him alone as much as possible and give him plenty of space and time....again dig deeper for patience and take the time to educate yourself on MLC and depression. There is a lot of good info on the forum and it's free!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Michele has an excellent video regarding the Sex Starved Marriage. Go ahead an contact me and I'll send you the link at no charge.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
MLC's main ingredient is depression. Depression runs throughout the crisis and eventually it may get a bit worse and he will go into withdrawal from you, children, pets, friends, etc. Keep in mind that the stages are not linear, but he can bounce back and forth from denial, anger, replay and withdrawal throughout the crisis.
The "stages" are the same whether he's in an affair or not. He will find something else to take his mind off the real reason he's feeling the way he does. The OP is nothing more than a distraction/band aid to his issues. Some become workaholics, sports addicts, working out at the gym, take up sailing, traveling, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. Anything that they think will ease their pain and eventually that new activity will not "fix" that pain and he'll try something else. This cycle will continue until he finally faces his demons, accept that he wasn't responsible for all that may have happened in his young life when he was stunted emotionally.
I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is still home and is still acting like a teenager/early 20's and I do not think the man has anything going on w/OP.
I also suggest that you go back and re-read the homework assignments you were given when you first came here. Also, take some time to read the threads of other posters. You'll learn so much from their postings. You can't fix and/or control him. The only person you can control is yourself and how you react to his behavior. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.
Take the time to read the threads, come back and ask questions and don't be a stranger. We are here to help you.
Excellent post job,my w has turned into a workerholic,75 hours a week,and runs around for her coworkers they even call her mum,yet she does nothing for her own kids,distancing herself from them,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Job you say,,,He will find something else to take his mind off the real reason he's feeling the way he does,,,
I see so I guess that's why my wife has turned into a workerholic,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
One of the things my H told me during BD was that I wasn't loving enough. It's true he had always been the pursuer. After that, I've tried hugs, kisses and everything. He seems to accept them but doesn't return them or doesn't initiate them. It's been months like that and although things are not worse, he doesn't seem so angry at me, I'm not sure we're making progress. My question is, should the 180 strategy be applied to what our R used to be or to what I've been doing these last 10 months? I'm confused
One of the things my H told me during BD was that I wasn't loving enough. It's true he had always been the pursuer. After that, I've tried hugs, kisses and everything. He seems to accept them but doesn't return them or doesn't initiate them. It's been months like that and although things are not worse, he doesn't seem so angry at me, I'm not sure we're making progress. My question is, should the 180 strategy be applied to what our R used to be or to what I've been doing these last 10 months? I'm confused
I'm not really sure what you mean maybe one of the others can answer, But u say he is not so angry and he accepts your hugs and kisses,well that sounds like what your doing is working,if you change things it could push him away,think carefully,I will read your story,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Maybe what your h said is true, but keep in mind, it's his perception of the situation. Then again, it could be an excuse to justify the bomb drop. You are the only one that can determine if there is any truth in the comment. BTW, my xh said the same thing and I pretzeled myself inside and out to accommodate those hugs and kisses and guess what...indifference. A lot of the comments made by them is how they feel about what transpired in their young lives and they weren't made to feel loved by someone in authority.
I'm going to suggest that you limit those hugs and kisses and see if he notices the difference in the amount he's getting. The saying around here is "do what works and if it's not working, try something different". Also, the indifference could be that he's thinking that you are only doing these things now because he said something about it...
Depression for men is entirely different than it is for women. Have you read up on anything about male depression? If not, take some time and do so. Also, I highly recommend Jed Diamond's books. They helped me a great deal. There is a Recommended Reading Material thread at the top of this Form. You may want to look at it, make a list, and go to the library and check some books out.
There could be any number of reasons why he's acting indifferent to you right now, but from what I experienced w/my xh, it was depression and his perception of his life from way back when.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your H has mentioned that you were not loving enough, it means he was not feeling loved. I know that sounds like a simple, "no, duh" type of statement, but unfortunately, its not. He did not FEEL loved.
My own H told me at BD that he felt I didn't love him, didn't even like him (!) and hadn't for a long time. I kissed him, hugged him, told him I loved him everyday, was very physically demonstrative. I took care of everything from house to grounds, to finances, to kid (grown) related things, to pets so that his only worry was work and play. When he bought another house against my wishes (this is a key phrase), I painted walls, patched, and sought out, bought, hauled and refinished the furniture to fill it. The more he seemed to withdraw, the more I took on. Our SL never dropped off, although he seemed not as interested. And I got a job after staying home with the kids for years. I tried to take the burden off of him, but I also complained more and more about our vacation time being with "her", how it was spent, how we would pay for it...I became a complainer about something he enjoyed. I also tried to fix every problem he brought up and didn't listen well to him...something else he needed. He needed to feel like a grown man; a man who could take care of me and fix his own problems, but just have me listen. His response was to pay more and more attention to a woman who "needed" his help with every little thing. Her lawn needed mowing, her nail needed gluing back on, she needed someone to pick up her kids so she could have lunch with friends. Someone who just wanted to have fun on the weekends, not work on a house or two. Someone who made him feel needed and listened to. She used him (still does...and she's married!), he knew it, but he also felt appreciated...which he didn't feel in our relationship.
Find out your H's love language (google it). Because chances are, although kisses and hugs are loving actions, he's talking more about what is missing in his life that is not making him feel loved. Kisses and hugs are the sprinkles on the cupcake; just for show and definitely not what make it taste good. And if he let you know at BD, even if that's part of what he wants, he may not believe they're real actions.
This is a complex problem. It will take a lot of thought and a lot of insight into your dynamic as a couple and a lot of probing of yourself. There is no simple fix and it will take time. So, work on yourself. Deep introspection. Remember his words to you, his actions and reactions to things you've done (good and bad), stories he's told, things he's mentioned, comments he's made. These are clues as to how he feels. Keep a journal. Make connections. But most of all, remember. You can only work on you. Like most married people, you lose sight of who you were that they fell in love with because you start to mold around them. Find out again who you really are. What you like, want, need to live authentically. This is why GAL is mentioned. It also helps you to keep from ruminating on your situation.
Sorry so long. I do go on. Keep posting and there will be so many here to help you along this journey. And...it gets better. It really does.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
On the heels of what Job has said, just try mentally to step back and look at the situation from a distance. Because I too tried to fix all of h's complaints.
That all stopped when I became very familiar with MLC. I suggest you read extensively about the stages of MLC, both here, in Jim Conway's book and do various internet searches. Once you do that you will be able to determine if this is a case of you not paying him enough attention or, if it's MLC, it'll be much deeper and bigger that that. You may even determine you'd been trying to fix things all along during those early days of denial and anger. And the more you did the angrier he seemed. You may recall feeling like everything you tried made things worse. And that, now, he was irritable all the time over things that used to never even make his radar.
My h hit every symptom/hallmark of MLC so it was easy for me to see there was a huge underlying tsunami. Was the m perfect? Absolutely not. Was I perfect? Nope. But if this weren't MLC/massive depression we would have worked it out by talking a bit and organizing a date schedule.
Once I realized this was MLC, I knew that no amount of hugs, kisses and "atta boys" would fix this. He had to do the heavy lifting. There were things I could do to make it worse. So I worked hard to avoid those: relationship talks, asking where he was going, putting pressure on him to be an adult, etc.
Try to read a lot. And research projection too. Sending you positive thoughts.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks a lot everybody! I'm sure there is something about his childhood as Job suggested. He has never felt loved by his mom but he says he's a grown up and that he accepts that she doesn't love him and that's it. But he has complained about the same thing about me.
The thing is that whether his problem arises from mom issues or not, that's how he feels about me and I feel that if I step away he may believe he was right all along about how he felt in our R.
But then, if I keep pursuing and things stay the same , am I enabling or stopping the whole process?
At the moment, he's looking at you as the mother figure (authority). He's possibly projecting on to you how he feels about his own mother. Oh yes, he's grown up, but he's hit an icy spot on the slope that is making him question his life and he's looking back and not in the present or future.
Read the subjects that I suggested as well as what HaWho suggested. Also, read up on gas lighting. They are good at that little behavior too, at times. Keep in mind the stages are just that...stages and each MLCer will do things differently and yet spit out very similar words along the way. Keep in mind, the stages are either written by someone who went through it or witnessed the MLC of their own spouses. Sally Conway has a good book as well and I believe I identified it on the reading material thread.
Once the process starts, it's difficult to "stop" it. I would certainly try not to enable him. He has to learn to grow up and you can't do that for him. Read the Dance of Pursuit and Distance thread. That will help you better understand some of what you may have been doing and now need to slowly cease.
I've already read several books and I've just bought one on IMS.
Somebody in an earlier post told me my H's wording wasn' typical.
I wanted to add more about that...
At BD he told me that the fact I wasn't loving enough little by little detached him from me. He said he just didn't care whether I was loving or not right now. He said he could never criticize my role as a mother and he also said I always put my kids or job first. He , the following days, said he loved me as the kids' mom and that he could be my husband but not my boyfriend. That he could not be romantic with me. This is basically shown in our SL.
Is this more or less what MLC men say? Is there any way in which I could approach the issues he brought up?
So far, I 've been more concerned about him and his needs trying to be more caring and loving. As to this, he acknowledges my changes and he said perhaps if I had always been like this, we wouldn't be in the present situation. Am I on the right track?
Thanks for being close to me in this difficult time!
I've already read several books and I've just bought one on IMS.
Somebody in an earlier post told me my H's wording wasn' typical.
I wanted to add more about that...
At BD he told me that the fact I wasn't loving enough little by little detached him from me. He said he just didn't care whether I was loving or not right now. He said he could never criticize my role as a mother and he also said I always put my kids or job first. He , the following days, said he loved me as the kids' mom and that he could be my husband but not my boyfriend. That he could not be romantic with me. This is basically shown in our SL.
Is this more or less what MLC men say? Is there any way in which I could approach the issues he brought up?
So far, I 've been more concerned about him and his needs trying to be more caring and loving. As to this, he acknowledges my changes and he said perhaps if I had always been like this, we wouldn't be in the present situation. Am I on the right track?
Thanks for being close to me in this difficult time!
Hi,if he is in mlc theirs not much you can do,only look after yourself and be nice,mlcs are on a mission its all about them,you can't believe much of what they say,and they don't take any notice of what you say,in their eyes its all your fault your the evil slave master,best thing to do is let go,drop the rope,look after yourself,protect yourself,you can't stop them or change the way they are feeling,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Sounds like some of the MLC lingo used. Keep in mind, depression is the main ingredient and depression can make people numb to feelings/emotions. They don't get excited about things any longer and everything can look blah to them.
To be quite honest, there's nothing you can say at this time to change his thoughts about being romantic. He's got to work this out for himself. Sometimes AD's will help and even IC, but if he's truly in MLC, the IC won't help at this early stage...maybe later down the line...but right now, his mind is made up that there is a problem and that problem is you. The old saying "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do" holds true. You can't change his perception of the situation at this time.
You are a fixer, and as a fixer, you want to fix him and the situation. You can't. The only thing you can do is work on yourself. If he's pointed out things that you've done in the past, take a good, long, hard look at those complaints and work on some of them. Make a list of the things that you would like to do and then start doing them. Can you remember what you were like when you met him? Go back to that time and think about it...what attracted you to him? This is where I would start my chapter of reclaiming yourself, make that list and start working on it. Notice, I keep saying making lists and working on them? That's to get you to focus on YOU. YOU can't fix him, he has to do it. You can't control him and what he's thinking or doing, but you can control how you deal w/your situation.
I knew he was going to say that if you had been doing those things he identified long ago, things wouldn't be in the position you are in right now. MLC speak. Don't pretzel yourself for him. Be yourself, be happy w/yourself and how you live your life. No matter what you say or do, he will not be happy w/you and the situation. You could lay golden eggs and it wouldn't make him happy. Depression has him in her claws right now.
Time to make those lists and see what you come up with. Leave him be, give him space and time and do things on your own. He really does need to figure things out for himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maly, thanks for your support ! I wish I knew how to detach ! He's at home and I'm not pushing anything because he does not monster a lot but his lack of commitment or enthusiasm for anything really kill me!
H. has announced he's traveling to a different country to go fishing ! He's bragging about the sports car he's going to rent, anything else could be added to the picture? Can't believe such an intelligent man cannot see the signs of this MLC!!!!!
All he does is talk about this and he tells me and the kids all the details. I want some tips about how to go about it. Should I pretend I don't care? Should I show I'm all enthusiastic and happy for him? The other day I didn't show a lot of interest and he made a comment about it.
I'm so hurt it didn't cross his mind to include everybody in the family.
It's so difficult ! I'm living with three teenagers at home
Since he's on a "high" at the moment, I would listen and tell him the trips sounds like fun. You don't have to go over the moon gushing about it. Let me ask this...how would you behave if a co-worker or a neighbor were to tell you about this trip? When you have your answer...that's how you probably should react to his comments.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job! Thinking of / treating him as a neighbor may make it easier. I sort of sense he would have another excuse to be angry if I don't show interest on his trip.
I followed your advice and bought a couple of books on male depression. It's definitely what he's also experiencing !
All you can do is listen to what he's saying about his past and validate his thoughts. You could say something like "h, I'm sorry you feel like you lost out during your teen years". There's really not much you cay say because you don't know the whole story about what happened.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
when my XH was still home and around, we got along really well as long as my responses were validating and positive
If we are critical, that justify their reasons for leaving hard as it is nothing you can really do about his lost adolescence except be compassionate continue to focus and take care of you
while he is on his fishing trip, make some plans to have some fun of your own or take up a new hobby
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I wanted to update my situation and ask for some words of advice.
I've just discovered my H was having an EA. I'm destroyed at the fact he lied to me. I was sort of suspecting sthg but finding out is a terrible shock, even if it is EA.
I tried to stay as calm as possible. He said he was willing to leave the house but that he wanted to stay. He's at home, ashamed and afraid the kids may get to know. I told him they didn't need to know about that because he would stay as a liar in front of them, which would devastate him.
He has accepted all the accusations I made and has stopped contact with this younger girl. I'm not sure if it is because he's afraid of losing me or afraid of it becoming known to all. But he has stopped contact. I would have liked reassurance that he stopped contact because of me but it did not happen.
Can this help him through the tunnel? He has said it was the first time he broke rules ever since adolescence. He feels he has brought about this himself because he has a selfish and self-destructive mind.
How should I react? How will things go on from now on? I would try to let it go if it can really get him out of the fog.
Any word of advice will really help me.
Last edited by job; 03/30/1706:30 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Hi everybody! I wanted to update my situation. I feel the need to tell you I'm all right these days. I feel the need to tell you since you were so supportive with me, esp. Job. I'm much better with H. He went on his trip and there he seems to have thought some things out. He sent from there a message he misssed me and loved me. He has been very nice since he came back and wants to organize holidays for the whole family. I'm taking this as positive but I'm trying not to rush things since deep inside I'm afraid he could go back to being the absent minded and detached person he was the last years. I force myself not to bring the EA up and I have not sought to make him feel guilty. I hope that helps us get out of all the mess MLC is.
Hi Marye, that is really good news but you are sensible to remain cautious and wary of this turn around. Just take one day at a time and maybe look to do some counselling with him when the time is right so you both don't fall back into old patterns again.
Come back and let us know how you are getting on.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
