Should I keep on having intercourse when I always have to initiate it ? Is the fact that he hasn't left a good sign or he may leave any time? What would be good signs of him coming back to his senses?
Hello marye,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
These are really good questions. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Mayre - so sorry you are going through this but there are many folks here to offer support or just listen. It is very overwhelming to process things but this is a safe place.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi! Thanks a lot for your answer. I was away for a while . Too much confusion!
We've been together for 22 years and His father suffered from depression. He has that tendency,too.
Those words were immediately after BD (April, 2016). At the time he was very depressed and withdrawn.Now he's better but very distant from me. No affair so far.
I was wondering about the dynamics of those who have no affair and stay at home. If I'm not mistaken, he was depressed immediately after BD, does that change the stages? In what ways?.
Thanks a lot for your answer. I really need some help to understand
MLC's main ingredient is depression. Depression runs throughout the crisis and eventually it may get a bit worse and he will go into withdrawal from you, children, pets, friends, etc. Keep in mind that the stages are not linear, but he can bounce back and forth from denial, anger, replay and withdrawal throughout the crisis.
The "stages" are the same whether he's in an affair or not. He will find something else to take his mind off the real reason he's feeling the way he does. The OP is nothing more than a distraction/band aid to his issues. Some become workaholics, sports addicts, working out at the gym, take up sailing, traveling, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. Anything that they think will ease their pain and eventually that new activity will not "fix" that pain and he'll try something else. This cycle will continue until he finally faces his demons, accept that he wasn't responsible for all that may have happened in his young life when he was stunted emotionally.
I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is still home and is still acting like a teenager/early 20's and I do not think the man has anything going on w/OP.
I also suggest that you go back and re-read the homework assignments you were given when you first came here. Also, take some time to read the threads of other posters. You'll learn so much from their postings. You can't fix and/or control him. The only person you can control is yourself and how you react to his behavior. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.
Take the time to read the threads, come back and ask questions and don't be a stranger. We are here to help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You have no idea how helpful you've been ! As you said, he had no affair but he got at the beginning completely withdrawn in a hobby that requires a lot of concentration. He spent hours and hours on that. He did that as he had a glass of wine and listened to romantic songs.
Now, he's more connected to kids and pets but not with me.
I wanted to ask if you have tips as to how to treat a live-in MLCer on a daily basis, should I leave the room when he's there, should I initiate conversation? Should I help with his things if he doesn't ask for help? Should I be loving or distant? He is always nice and very civil , luckily.
Another difficult issue for me is our sex life. I'm initiating it more often because he mentioned that as an issue in BD. At the beginning , months ago, he rejected me but not anymore. I get frustrated, though, because he's not as involved as he used to be. Should I voice this? Should I stop pursuing in this aspect ?
Any idea if this type of man in crisis ever awakens or keeping things as they usually were makes the whole thing longer?
He may be more connected w/the kids and pets...but you will be the very, very last person he reconnects to and that could be some time down the road. Dig deeper for patience.
I think I would slow down a bit and allow him to initiate sex once in a while. Depression works on their brains and they tend to find us less attractive, as well as their "functions" don't work quite as well and then they think it is us that is creating the problem.
The crisis will take as long as it takes. You are on his clock now, which is very, very SLOW. He is the one that will decide when it ends or if he likes staying in MLC. Nothing you say or do will speed it up, but you can hinder the process by taking his attention away from what he needs to do to heal himself. That's why it's important that you read everything you can on MLC and depression. It's important that you leave him alone as much as possible and give him plenty of space and time....again dig deeper for patience and take the time to educate yourself on MLC and depression. There is a lot of good info on the forum and it's free!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Michele has an excellent video regarding the Sex Starved Marriage. Go ahead an contact me and I'll send you the link at no charge.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
MLC's main ingredient is depression. Depression runs throughout the crisis and eventually it may get a bit worse and he will go into withdrawal from you, children, pets, friends, etc. Keep in mind that the stages are not linear, but he can bounce back and forth from denial, anger, replay and withdrawal throughout the crisis.
The "stages" are the same whether he's in an affair or not. He will find something else to take his mind off the real reason he's feeling the way he does. The OP is nothing more than a distraction/band aid to his issues. Some become workaholics, sports addicts, working out at the gym, take up sailing, traveling, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. Anything that they think will ease their pain and eventually that new activity will not "fix" that pain and he'll try something else. This cycle will continue until he finally faces his demons, accept that he wasn't responsible for all that may have happened in his young life when he was stunted emotionally.
I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is still home and is still acting like a teenager/early 20's and I do not think the man has anything going on w/OP.
I also suggest that you go back and re-read the homework assignments you were given when you first came here. Also, take some time to read the threads of other posters. You'll learn so much from their postings. You can't fix and/or control him. The only person you can control is yourself and how you react to his behavior. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.
Take the time to read the threads, come back and ask questions and don't be a stranger. We are here to help you.
Excellent post job,my w has turned into a workerholic,75 hours a week,and runs around for her coworkers they even call her mum,yet she does nothing for her own kids,distancing herself from them,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Job you say,,,He will find something else to take his mind off the real reason he's feeling the way he does,,,
I see so I guess that's why my wife has turned into a workerholic,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
