The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

CT - One question: What is it that you truly want at this point?

Strength and Honor.

Mules

I think you just summed up what I have been in for the past week. I was so clear on what I wanted of me when I began IC, GAL's, living in my own space. But I hit all those GAL goals (ex. hit target weight, talk to strangers, try a new sport) or they are being adjusted (ex. Go to IC and learn methods for controlling displays of anger was met, but now adjusted to go to IC and improve emotional intelligence). I was also really moving then, as in my mind and body.

I know more about what I don't want right Mules than what I do want. That's a big problem you have just helped me identify. Let m get back to you on that. I need to put some serious thought to this.

[mulesqb]

I know more about what I don't want right Mules than what I do want. That's a big problem you have just helped me identify. Let m get back to you on that. I need to put some serious thought to this.

I think this is a serious mistake everyone makes. Whether consciously or subconsciously, the journey becomes adversarial. "I will show my WW what he/she is missing". You make your changes to improve yourself and like you, meet a lot of your goals.

Now what?

For me, it was easy. I wanted full custody of my boys and become the best father I can be to them. My XW made the rest easy as well. She had a PA which was a non-negotiable deal breaker for me. I didn't have to get caught up on what I didn't want.

But after much thought I focused on my next R. What would that look like? I realized that there was a lot in my old M that wasn't what I thought it was. Compatibility, friendship, intimacy on an equal level. I then decided that my next R was going to be focused on someone who I love AND I like. I think for me that was the key. I loved my XW but not so sure I liked her a whole lot. And trust me, I get that the feeling was mutual. She probably realized it way before I did. I was way more equipped to be a parent than she was. She wanted independence. I liked to travel, she hated it. I crave intimacy with the person I love, she could do without. All things she faked to appease me during our courtship.

Take your time. Think about what you want. What you truly want. What does your ideal life as a parent with shared (?) custody look like? Maybe you need some casual relationships for a while.

You hit the big point, not me. We tend to focus more on what we don't want (out of anger?) then what we truly want. You did a lot hard work so far. I do a lot of basketball coaching I always ask my kids at halftime if we're winning, what have we accomplished so far?? The answer is half the job.

Keep going CT..go play a complete game.


Strength and Honor.


Mules

[CT1118]

Indeed Mules, and I am not ready to answer you just yet - thinking...

FG - I am not there yet, I do not want to file, I do know this. I hit a very unexpected low last Wednesday and lasted until last night. As Surfer implied, WW in a lull, I was feeling a need for anything, led to paperwork. Hanging in there.

[mulesqb]

Indeed Mules, and I am not ready to answer you just yet - thinking..

Absolutely take your time..this is huge

I am not there yet, I do not want to file, I do know this. I hit a very unexpected low last Wednesday and lasted until last night.

Your timetable. Your gameplan. You will know what you want when you want it. You may never want to file. That's your right, and your personal decision.

That's why Strength and Honor is important to me. As much as you post here, you can't post every intricate detail. You deal with some things personally. I needed strength to stay honorable in some very bizarre circumstances. I only considered filing when my personal non-negotiable boundary was crossed. There's no script. Stay true to yourself. You can handle it. Tough times don't last, CT will.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[CT1118]

mulesqb

You have had an incredible and supportive impact on me as of your recent appearance. I do believe you do not have to be here by anything other than choice at this point, so in this you have my respect. Know that one day I will either be here beside you, doing what you do for others here, or I will be here in your stead, doing what you have done for others. My hat is tipped sir.

So, what is it I really want? To begin with, perhaps to sum it all up, I want my head out of my own ass and to get back on track for myself. I was thinking today about your proposal. These thoughts led exponentially into other thoughts and teachings I have had here and from various conversations and teachings I have had along my Journey during this fight for self.

I accepted my actions last week of turning towards the D papers. I owned them. I understood that I was truthful in my reply to Wonka and all of you. I did hit a point of extreme fatigue brought about by many things current in my life. I did choose to aim for and shoot at the absolute largest and most obvious target in my life - my sitch - as being the number 1 thing I wanted removed. But, via your question, was this response and reaction being honest with myself in terms of meeting my goals? It was not. It was me seeking the easy and the escape.

What is true to myself - what I realized in these past few days - where SH_ inspired with example of his words - what I want is already what I am doing and what I have done. I want to be my own hero. By this, I am indeed the hero of my own story. See what happened today, in my pondering, I am in a new place as compared to before I detached a bit ago. I realized that in detachment, emotions are acceptable and natural. I allowed them to move through me and today they passed, partially with your help mulesqb and the direct/indirect help of so many others here and elsewhere.

Before detachment, emotions owned me. I was telling someone else this evening how how I was needy, dependent, and void of my usual self-confidence prior to detachment. Emotions conquered, ruled me, and consumed me. I was never sure if I would be ok, I never realized a possible future beyond the one I envisioned with my W; I still wanted to be in control. Recovery from emotion then did not seem possible. So I staged through as a matter of cycle (wish it could have been choice), and I hit the detach. But what I have now realized, I can still have ups and down. The difference is, I know I am good, i know emotions are not only acceptable, but natural. I am able to allow them in, accept them, and recover.

What I want, I want to continue improvement of the self. If achieving this improvement means I mistake, I stumble, I have to ask for help - that to me is healthy, normal, and natural. mulesqb, I know it is not only alright to aks for help (even when you may not know you are crying out for it), it may be one of the bravest things you can do. My 'self' cried for help, I was answered.

The simple question "what do you really want" led me back to some older threads I have and other comments posed, chiefly:

What I see, is that you very much have to feel in control of most things.

This statement was made in early September. It has meant a whole lot. This is my senior issue in my personal life and I am not alone. I have read the word control so many times in male LBS sitch's in this place that i should not even begin to guess at the amount. And while I read it over a month ago, it took me a bit to accept it. And while I accepted it for my own reality, dismissing the need for it takes time - thus I accept that it takes time, and I have just received a reminder.

I have traveled very far, but not far enough for me...

Your timetable. Your gameplan. You will know what you want when you want it. You may never want to file. That's your right, and your personal decision.

I will. I know this. I will forget this again at some point. I will need help again at some point. The distance between points is increasing. The day will come where those points are measured in enjoying the Journey as opposed to seeking the destination. I am just beginning to respect the Journey. I really want...

I want to appreciate the Journey entire. I want to welcome the Journey as an improvement of self and as an increase of life. I want my own heart, mind, and conscience to be the vehicle I ride on the Journey. I want the map I use to be the map which I make. I want to be the man I know is in me and always was. I want to be better because I am better - better for you, better for my son, better for others, better for my self, better because I...AM...BETTER. I want my actions to meet my words - they will, I will, and self will.

SH_, I am the hero of my own story. I am not super because I am different, nor are you. We are super only if we recognize the strength in us is the strength of all people, in all lives ever, once called upon. Super is not the absence of fear, it is the acknowledgement of fear and the actions we take despite it. The only thing super inside us is us. I can bleed in front of an audience now, you know you can too. All of you help me as I need, in the way I need, when I need. I have no cape, I have no costume, no secret identity - to the contrary, I am naked before you, and I am not embarrassed. This is not easy, but this is what makes it super.

FG, you have expressed a welcome eye for my personal prose here. SH_ you have an affinity for superheros. To you both I offer a writing I produced for the death-bed eulogy of a superhero I knew once. It applies here and perhaps to all who have ever suffered in anyway. I hope I honor her by sharing it twice. It was my cousin, she died a decades long impossibly slow death from MS, one where capacity was removed from her one deprecating day at a time - despite this, she never showed anything but honesty in her loss. She is my only memory which can have me weeping, not in her loss, but for the heroism she taught me. And so I told her this on the very last day of her life when she offered no indication of hearing me, much less knowing I was present...it helps tho believe she knew:

"It is only through the adversities in our lives that true courage be revealed. In the face of your challenges, you have been an inspiration. You are the bravest person I will ever know. I love you."

I was 30 years old when I told her that (there is value in keeping a good journal), she was 41. Through her Journey, I saw her fight like an animal first day in the cage, laugh like a Roman drunk with Hedonism, and fear like a child in the closet with it's monster. She never once showed a dishonest emotion or was untrue to the self before others, I would like to do the same. The value of her life is not defined by its distance - she is my superhero. You all a my heroes, I wish for us all to become super in our own ways, to ourselves, if not to others.

This response took days of honest reflection and form to achieve what I wanted, I did so for self, but anyway, thanks mulesqb for pulling on the teeth. Goodnight DB.

[Mach1]

What I see, is that you very much have to feel in control of most things.

This statement was made in early September. It has meant a whole lot. This is my senior issue in my personal life and I am not alone. I have read the word control so many times in male LBS sitch's in this place that i should not even begin to guess at the amount. And while I read it over a month ago, it took me a bit to accept it. And while I accepted it for my own reality, dismissing the need for it takes time - thus I accept that it takes time, and I have just received a reminder.

I have traveled very far, but not far enough for me...

So how are you addressing it ?

1-
2-
3-
?-


And also...

Mules....it is great to see you back here, and doing well...


Strength and Honor back at ya...

[mulesqb]

You have had an incredible and supportive impact on me as of your recent appearance. I do believe you do not have to be here by anything other than choice at this point, so in this you have my respect. Know that one day I will either be here beside you, doing what you do for others here, or I will be here in your stead, doing what you have done for others. My hat is tipped sir.

It's hard to explain. I'm 7 years removed and just felt incredibly happy in my situation at home and started thinking about this place. For a long time it represented sadness to me and brought back a lot of bad memories. Then I started thinking about how happy I am in my current R and how I got here. Simply put, there is no way I would be in such a happy, healthy R without the guidance I received here from so many. People who just stuck with me. Stuck with me no matter how stubborn I was. One of them became a very close friend who lived over a thousand miles away. We met once face to face when he and he wife (who reconciled through this site) visited my 3 sons and I on vacation. He had an incredible impact on me. Sadly he passed away 3 years ago from a heart attack. At one point during my journey we talked every day. I think about our talks all the time and how we helped each other through the most trying experiences of our lives. My kids loved him even though they only met him once.

Now to you. What an incredible post.

I did choose to aim for and shoot at the absolute largest and most obvious target in my life - my sitch - as being the number 1 thing I wanted removed. But, via your question, was this response and reaction being honest with myself in terms of meeting my goals? It was not. It was me seeking the easy and the escape.

I had a feeling this was the case. Just wanted to make sure. I honestly thought you would figure it out and you did. And by the way, it's ok. This journey can be incredibly exhausting on your emotions.

I realized that in detachment, emotions are acceptable and natural. I allowed them to move through me and today they passed.

It won't be the last time. But you are right on this.

Before detachment, emotions owned me. I was telling someone else this evening how how I was needy, dependent, and void of my usual self-confidence prior to detachment.

I used to question myself on this. How could I allow another person to give me such an emotional beat down?? But it was real. But when the self confidence comes back it's stronger and more mature than you could ever think possible. This new you is the person you want to go forward with. I think I may have mentioned that when it happened, it took all the awkwardness out of any dealings with my XW. In fact, to this day it hasn't changed and I can honestly say I feel that she knows she screwed up and wished she could have a mulligan.

Emotions conquered, ruled me, and consumed me. I was never sure if I would be ok, I never realized a possible future beyond the one I envisioned with my W; I still wanted to be in control. Recovery from emotion then did not seem possible. So I staged through as a matter of cycle (wish it could have been choice), and I hit the detach. But what I have now realized, I can still have ups and down. The difference is, I know I am good, i know emotions are not only acceptable, but natural. I am able to allow them in, accept them, and recover.

When I was in IC back in the day, my IC called this mourning your old R. It's recognizing it's gone and it's sad. But this passes the stronger that you become.

What I want, I want to continue improvement of the self. If achieving this improvement means I mistake, I stumble, I have to ask for help - that to me is healthy, normal, and natural. mulesqb, I know it is not only alright to aks for help (even when you may not know you are crying out for it), it may be one of the bravest things you can do. My 'self' cried for help, I was answered.

This is incredibly on point CT. That's why when I read your posts I know you are going to have an incredible next phase. Whether that includes a new R with your WW or somebody else, it doesn't matter. It will be amazing. I can vouch.

And while I read it over a month ago, it took me a bit to accept it. And while I accepted it for my own reality, dismissing the need for it takes time - thus I accept that it takes time, and I have just received a reminder.

Honestly, I really think you have this under...see what I did there!

I will. I know this. I will forget this again at some point. I will need help again at some point. The distance between points is increasing. The day will come where those points are measured in enjoying the Journey as opposed to seeking the destination. I am just beginning to respect the Journey. I really want...

It is so amazing that you said this. When I was going through this I had such a different perspective. Now looking back I realize this was an amazing point of my life where I was defining to myself exactly who I am. And the best part was that I did this for me, not anyone else. Again you are on point. The destination will come soon enough. Enjoy the the journey and all the bumps along the road that it brings.

I want the map I use to be the map which I make. I want to be the man I know is in me and always was. I want to be better because I am better - better for you, better for my son, better for others, better for my self, better because I...AM...BETTER. I want my actions to meet my words - they will, I will, and self will.

CT, If I can make a suggestion, print this statement out and keep it with you. I think it will have an incredible impact on you going forward. I did that with a post that someone had sent me and it was amazing how many times it enabled me to just reach for strength that I didn't know I had in me. I think you can take this paragraph and post it on every newcomers wall as the newcomer's mantra.

Super is not the absence of fear, it is the acknowledgement of fear and the actions we take despite it.

Perfect!

"It is only through the adversities in our lives that true courage be revealed. In the face of your challenges, you have been an inspiration. You are the bravest person I will ever know. I love you."

What an amazing moment in your life. I have no doubt your cousin heard you and was comforted by you.

The value of her life is not defined by its distance - she is my superhero.

Incredible respect here.

This response took days of honest reflection and form to achieve what I wanted, I did so for self, but anyway, thanks mulesqb for pulling on the teeth. Goodnight DB.

CT - I am awed by your mindset. You are going to take so much of this experience forward. I know this is emotionally and sometimes physically draining. But you are handling the defining moment of your adult life with courage, strength and honor. Keep doing what you are doing. Embrace the lows along with the highs. It gets better. And then it gets great. You have been given the opportunity to redefine who you are. See the upside of that. Some people coast through their adult life. It's easy. But that is not living. You are becoming CT 2.0...and then 3.0...you have learned so much about your self. I think you have won that fight.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[lt0402]

Awesome and inspirational from both of you. CT, you, as always have a great grasp on yourself and where you are in your journey.

Any chance we can get you to run for president?

Keep on down your path brother! Many good days lie ahead for you!

[CT1118]

[quote=MACH1]
What I see, is that you very much have to feel in control of most things.

So how are you addressing it ?

1-
2-
3-
?-

So, good question - action steps. First off, I do believe the beginning was identification of the problem. Recognition of a problem is not always easy, MACH1 was one of two essential people in this for me. I am not going to repeat here, people who wish to read the exchange, search my posts or MACH1's on the date above, you will find it. Long story short, problem ID - may not be obvious to you, may require help of non-biased other(s) as did I.

Actions thus far:
1. I had to accept this as a possibility, before I accepted it for real. Two steps there. Did both.
2. Seek understanding of why, where, when, who, what - requires a whole lot of observation on self. Dig deep introspection. Again, those wanting to know more - seek my posts for the above date. The tactical aspects of this, simple - I kept a journal. I kept a journal specific to this issue, this matter, this one word - control. Sorry, kept is past tense - keep.
3. Time, make it. I have none school/work/son. I felt I had no time to read the books recommended to me here (not MWD stuff, the extra stuff, recommended by posters). I found time in commute, workout, shopping - found podcasts of the books and listened to books while transitioning between spaces of my day.
4. Brought up with IC, status pending.
5. Realized - what are my alternatives to control? Could, I be more integrative, open, understanding - perhaps just listen, look, and learn....what a concept.
6. Mostly, above all, acceptance that I am going to make mistakes. I am going to seek and want control. Where I identify a need for it and squash that, it may pop up elsewhere. You cannot compress a liquid - it will find a way out. Learning how I seek, when I seek - these are just as important as why. H3ll this whole thread these past few days was a partial result of this search inside me for this particular tick.
7. Keep moving forward my friend - most champions are not without defeat in places. I just keep trying to know - through mutual understanding lies mutual benefit, through mutual benefit lies increase resources, and when there is increased resource, there is increased gain. I say this of my interactions with all others.


Speaking of - I had time for a single reply tonight. Son with me, school with me - Cherry, I did eat tonight - healthy at that . Looking at some sleep, need to seize my tired moment.

[CT1118]

I want the map I use to be the map which I make. I want to be the man I know is in me and always was. I want to be better because I am better - better for you, better for my son, better for others, better for my self, better because I...AM...BETTER. I want my actions to meet my words - they will, I will, and self will.

CT, If I can make a suggestion, print this statement out and keep it with you. I think it will have an incredible impact on you going forward. I did that with a post that someone had sent me and it was amazing how many times it enabled me to just reach for strength that I didn't know I had in me. I think you can take this paragraph and post it on every newcomers wall as the newcomer's mantra.

mulesqb - honestly, you said so many great things which work, provoked thought, provoked smile. I will. I intended to do so today until I had a few personnel issues at work which ate my day up. But this was great advice, I will do this.

Speaking of work, not sure I have mentioned it, don't recall, time spent on the DB forum - if you work the program, you will get better at work too (I mean, I was already really great at what I do, which is why more work gets piled on me, the good horse does not stay in the stall - but, that is work sometimes). Just thought I would mention it. I mean ideally, the program gets you better at most things in your life, so...pay attention new people.

Awesome and inspirational from both of you. CT, you, as always have a great grasp on yourself and where you are in your journey.

"...inspirational from both of you" ^^^^ thanks It0402, I appreciate you saying this. I thought this was an important point you made in case anyone just new to the forum comes across this stuff above. In order to receive, you have to give back effort and honesty.

Any chance we can get you to run for president?

I accept the people's nomination:

"...I came prepared, it’s a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, you know how I got these scars ?” - the Joker

Keep on down your path brother! Many good days lie ahead for you!

whoa! scary brother, i hope you are with me on a bunch of 'em! That read like farewell/goodbye