The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

General - for self:

So, is your mindset fixed against growth?

Do you avoid challenges?

Do you avoid change?

Do you quit new things easily?

Do you ignore feedback?

Are you threatened by the success of others?

Do you try hard to seem smart?

Do you try to appear capable?

Fix your mindset towards growth:

There is a challenge before you - will you embrace it?

Can you give your best effort?

Are you able to learn from feedback?

Can the success of others inspire you?

Do you know your intelligence can alter if you work hard?

Do you understand that failure is an opportunity for growth?

Ask yourself - are you able to praise yourself? Do not praise your goal accomplishments, praise your effort to get there. It's not "you have done this, this is great", it's "you must have worked really hard on this - great job!". Your intelligence about the world is not fixed. The way you understand your life, your sitch, is not the final way to understand it. You are here because you are struggling, do you accept your spouse or other is struggling too? Your knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom about this world shall only improve through challenge; as ugly as this is right now, you will not only be OK, you will be better than you can imagine.

PS - 10 of the questions above came from a handout at my son's first day of Kindergarten - I wish emotions were so well thought of when Gen X entered the US school system.

[ForGump]

Hope you're being the lighthouse.

[CT1118]

Hope you're being the lighthouse.

Thank you sir. I hope so too. Some very recent conversations lead me to believe this may be the case. Especially in the realm of parenting. I have also heard her ask me some questions about what I have done to turn my life around (she is noticing) which seems positive, that is if she does something positive with the information. One never really knows until they know though, do they? I am just going to keep being me, keep focused on myself and my son, and doing what I am doing.

[PacLove]

Hey CT1118,

Didn't want to hi-jack Albac's thread so thought I'd reply to a post you made there here, on your thread... I was really intrigued by your post on how W vs. H's interact with their AP's. But was even more intrigued by your comments around exposure...

Lastly and again, women want to protect their reputation. Which helps explain why the WW in an A will not tell the world about it, only to those BFF's who will support such and action. It is also why professionals recommend the LBS not exposing the A to friends/family or confronting the OM publicly - b/c this will shatter the WW's reputation and if you ever want her back, destroying her reputation will be the worst way to approach getting her to come home. No man ever suffered a stained reputation from an A for very long, women however are called to question their entire lives for one.

I can totally see this - but was wondering on what basis you have come across this? I've gone back and forth on the exposure thing for the last 6 months and have read many websites in favor of it. I haven't exposed but have shared with close friends - so I'm sure that will make R difficult later on (but W currently doesn't know they know, so it would be up for me at some point to come clean about it during R - if it happens)

It also explains why she keeps pretending to the outside world everything is normal whereas I've been more open about our separation when people keep asking me where W is.

It's interesting if I read your post about Jealousy:

But women tend to be directly jealous of the other women. One of a woman's most respected treasure is her dignity.

It may seem like the logical answer here is for us to "date/move on" or try and get the OM to find someone else thereby making W Jealous... if only it were that easy!

[CT1118]

PacLove - wow am I so sorry I have just seen your question(s). Did not mean to ignore.

So on the initial part...OK, so by what basis did I come across that information and/or opinion? To answer you, I really do not recall the context for which I said that, however, it looks about right. If you cover my "Fight for Self" thread, there is a ton of me in there and a ton of research that I did, where I tried my very best to offer some details from things I've read. This is my whole point of the fight for self threads - to post those studies and how the help my journey.
So the W in an A tends to follow a script. Part of it includes new friends who support their behavior, dismissing or distancing old friends and family, self-justifying behavior, going through identity crisis,and meanwhile not seeing the truth of normative human psychology on what they are actually doing - WW are experiencing a mindset highly correlative to a teenagers mind. So in basics, imagine being back in high school, what mattered most? The reputation - nerd, cool, awkward, smart - whatever, we were all in some click - and in that click what matter most - reputation.

So for me, my spouse's father, sister, cousins, my own parents, her best friends etc do not know she is in an A. Why, I left it up to her to tell them, which I told her. She lied to me and said she did, but I found out this was not true some time ago. Actually, her aunt just called me today to ask how I was doing and I realized during the conversation she had no idea her niece and I were apart - I was told she did, so while I did not lie, I used conversation tactics to avert topics. Why? Not to keep up appearances, but it is not my story to tell to my spouses family. The truth will come out in time.

I do not support telling or exposing. You may accidentally make it happen though, I did, but only because I was told certain people knew and they didn't, after that I stopped.

If you value your potential for M and want to get back to R so you can get back to M, then I am not so convinced telling family or friends that your W is having an A is the right answer.That said, what is right for you? What would be your motivation? What would be your goal? I think once you D, perhaps it might be fair game to explain your perspective as to why you will never see a beloved Aunt-in-law again. But before that, what is your goal...to guilt your W back into your arms?

PacLove - this is not about the OM. The OM is a symptom of her pain and confusion. This is about you. You have choices. You can act out of revenge or you can act out of self-respect. Which one of those does exposure fit into for you? It is not move on or date at this point - there is not much self-respect in using one human's emotions to get beyond another's. For me it is choosing the self above all others, not so that I may be selfish, but so that I may be selfless.

Did that make sense? If not, let me know I will do the research on my own quotes and get back for another try. In the meantime, I will read up on your sitch one way or the other.

[CT1118]

PS everyone - today my s4 turned into s5. And in further reason for me to celebrate, this marks a full 7 months of a narcotics free life. No desire, no return - ever, in the long future of forever, will I ever go back to that version of me, for as long as forever lasts and for as long as ever has time. And...I took my S spouse and my fresh s5 out for tacos tonight for his Bday, and I did not even boast about this victory, as today was about him, not me. But he is with his mom right now, and this place is for me, so I will boast here. I hope my son never needs to be here.

[ForGump]

Happy S5 birthday, man...

[PacLove]

CT,

Thanks, yeah I haven't told any of my W's family or friends... as tempting as it has been. I'm sure some suspect something, other's still think we are together. I doubt very much she's said anything to her parents, they live across the world and don't visit - so pretty easy to hide it.

Appreciate the response!

[AndrewP]

CT - no matter how this turns out you've got a lot to be proud of.

[lt0402]

CT - no matter how this turns out you've got a lot to be proud of.

Agree. CT, you are an amazing individual my friend. Happy bday to S5 and great job on 7 months! Boast away brother!