My Wife Walked Out 6

[RSG]

haha! Tonight I'm going to try some Kung Pao chicken. I'll let you guys know how it turns out.

So pickup today. At first she said 5, but then asked if I'd pick him up at 4 because her meds are wearing off. I said sure and her response was "OK, see you at 4 with Bubba!." She took him to the Dragoncon parade downtown, and she said he did ok. He and his clothes (those he's wearing and in his bag) smell like Chinese food and his sippy cup reeks. She told him "bye, I'll see you Tuesday!" as he got out of her car and then ran to her car while I buckled him in mine. She rolled up to me as I was walking back to my door and asked what we were doing this weekend. I said I didn't know, she said ok and sped off.

When she texts me, she uses all kinds of emotions. Exclamation points, emojis, happy and sad language. At dropoff, it's mainly emotionless which seems weird. Because it was literally a 1 minute dropoff, I text her after we got home and asked if she'd like to spend some time with him Monday since it was a holiday (not all 3 of us, just her and him). She said I'll let you know. I just said ok, have a good weekend.

She said yesterday she wanted to spend time with him, but after about 24 hours she's had her fill. She has said a couple times she would like to spend more time with him, but hasn't acted on that in the least. This bothers me very much. It makes me sad for my S, but it also pushes me towards D. Why? It feels like she's extricated herself not just from me, but from the family as a whole and doesn't want to parent. Sure, she'll ask all kinds of questions of me and says a little bit to his teachers. But I do 90% of the work. Very seldom does she say thank you for it either. I'm doing it for him, but you'd think his MOTHER would care.

Maybe this is part of her journey, I don't know. I could say more but I think you get the gist.

[Jug]

I'm seeing the same behavior with my Ww. Selfishness comes with the territory.

[PacLove]

Definitely common among WW's I see this very much day in and day out. I've risen in many respects to be the primary parent doing the majority of the work, organization, parenting etc. My D appreciates it and looks to me for the consistency and love.

[RSG]

Definitely common among WW's I see this very much day in and day out. I've risen in many respects to be the primary parent doing the majority of the work, organization, parenting etc. My D appreciates it and looks to me for the consistency and love.

Good for you! Thanks for the reminder, you too Jug. I've known this of course, but I guess I just overestimated my W progress. It's unfortunate, but I'm being Daddy AND Mommy when he's at home. Irony: My W has started a mentoring program at the Church she goes to with her boss. She's committed to spending time with, and helping an "at risk child" but barely wants to see her own child. It's a joke.

[RSG]

A little update. All day, since he woke up this AM around 6:30 he has uttered the phrase "Mommy wants to hit" and it never made any sense to me. It's been nearly 50 times, and I had never heard it before. He said it a few more times after nap, when he was annoyed he didn't get what he wanted. Finally, I decided to text her because I was really confused.

She took it as I was accusing her of hitting him, and said that if she said that about me I would be complaining about what she was insinuating. I ignored that. We ended up getting to the bottom of it, he was garbling "Mommy doesn't like the hits." He's been hitting/slapping both of us, in the same way. Sometimes when angry, sometimes for no reason. I think he's acting out, W agreed. Although I didn't go further in explaining WHY he's acting out I think it's because he's confused. It's funny, W has mentioned numerous times just how much this little boy depends on stability. And didn't see any irony in the statement whatsoever.

She went on to say, paraphrasing, that whether we want to or not we're "in this together" to help him reach his potential. I ignored that too. What a joke. I do the work, I take care of him, I organize everything, I parent. She plays 6 days a week while I bust my ass being Mommy and Daddy.

Her language is very strange. I can't tell whether she's attacking me, or just trying to draw me into something. Ugh. She just wished us a "good afternoon" I said thanks and that was it....

[lt0402]

Whether it's an attack or she's trying to draw you in, probably best to let it roll of your back RSG. It sounds like your WW is hearing what she wants to hear, which is the most negative thing she can imagine. My W does this too and it can be frustrating. You're dealing with it the right way though. Just keep ignoring it and address it when necessary.

You are right though. You're an excellent dad and your S is lucky to have you brother! Keep it up!

By the way, making teriyaki salmon with snap peas this evening. Will let you know how it turns out!

[RSG]

Thanks LT! It feels like, ever since I reported positive signs to my therapist, she's completely pulled back to selfish teenager. Frustrating indeed!!

S and I had a lazy day today, but I'm going to try to get out more tomorrow.

Not much of a fish fan, but teriyaki is good. I forgot to report on my Kung Pao. It was tasty, but I think I put in too much Hoisin sauce and it ended up being a little too sweet and not spicy enough. I'm going to have the rest for leftovers tonight.

As for you LT, after spinning your wheels and being confused for a while, you did an amazing job in your last encounter!!

[Cherry]

It sounds like you are doing great. Their selfishness is something I just can't get my head around. My wh is the same as your wife- not very hands on re the childcare at all. It's hard because you feel the guilt for the child, we struggle to deal with these feelings, so I can't even imagine what these young children think about a parent that withdraws. My S isn't even comfortable in wh's company anymore, and while that hurts like hell, I know that it just means I need to stay focused and protect him the best I possibly can. It sounds like you're all over this and giving him lots of love and happy memories. You sound like an amazing dad!

[CT1118]

But...if I was faced w/ Mach1's questions...my answer at this point of me would be that I do it for us. I do it for the real her, and, I do it for the real me. I do it for those two confused people who both have no idea wtf is happening. I do it b/c I am out and she is in, but we are both still looking at each other through bars.

Define.....us

Who is "us" right now CT...

What does "us" look like


I'm not saying that either of you is wrong or right with this...

I just really want you to understand what you are doing with this...


To me, it reads like it is a trick, or a ploy to lead them back to you. Like trying to bait a rabbit into a trap.

Silly Rabbit...tricks are for newbs....

Mach1 -
Again my apologies, I did not see this when it was posted and thank you pointing that out. RSG, not sure where this will post in your thread, sorry if it comes off like a hijack, just trying to catch what I missed in Mach1's post.

I should say that my wording above was poorly selected. I do not touch her "when I want", taken literally that gives the wrong impression. And by touch I am referring to a brief hand on the back or the arm, I do not stroke her hair back or something like that.I don't plan to touch her and I do not create moments to create the opportunity. Just when it feels appropriate.

Why I do it, she responds positively to it as a person. We do not speak on a deep level these days (although in the past week she has really started to express so very sad realizations about herself to me, I just try to listen). A light touch of the arm or a hand on the back as she vacates my front door has had good results in our communication. And from me, sometimes it helps to show I was paying attention.

First question "define us". As I wrote above, I used "us" to refer to the two people inside of her and I who still feel love and care for one another. The source of that love and care not as in not loss or longing, more as recognition for the damage done.

Who is us right now? There is no "us" right now. Her and I have a child together, her I have debt together, her and I have a history together, but her and I do not have an "us" together other than the "us" as I applied it above. We are two people on our individual journey's.

What does us look like? I am taking this as if you are asking how we behave around one another - is that what you meant? So above I mentioned for "the real me" and the "I am out". I am closer to me each day. Independent, focused, GAL's, etc. etc. I am out of the prison of the fog I was in. She is still inside her fog and will be for a long time. The real me is personable, compassionate, funny, and engaged. I had all of that stuff turned off completely to her (to myself at points). But as my understanding of this situation changed from her having an A to that of her being in a far deeper and darker place inside of herself, I allowed myself to give her some of that personality when appropriate, which from me includes some touches. Not get you into bed touches, but I'm learning to understand all of this touches - I'm alive and so are you touches. Those are primal levels of human expression and part of my personality.

Completely understand why you would say that it seems like a trick. I cannot speak for RSG, but of me, two months ago that would have been true. Thanks for poking this with a stick, saying things out loud does help in understanding.

[RSG]

Thank you Cherry!

I have the opposite issue of you. My little boy loves his Mommy dearly. And it seems like every time I ask her if she'd like to spend more time with him, she says no. Or, even when she DOES say she wants to keep him longer, she ends up asking me to pick him up at the usual time Saturday.

I'm sad for him, but I'm doing my best to create memories for him, help him with therapy, let him just chill out, etc etc. It's exhausting. I go, basically, 6 days a week from his wakeup around 6AM until around 8:45PM!!