Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

So things have been moving along
Just holding to plan and really watching my emotions and keeping my cool
Seems to be paying off. We had a good weekend, W came to fantasy football draft with me on Saturday. We had an interesting text conversation this afternoon after she said she was stressed out
He was the conversation:
Me: "Why don't you feed S something for dinner and I will get you some sushi on the way home
Would that help just a little?"

W: "I don't need pity Cbtdad. I'll be ok"

Me: "Ok just trying to put a little smile on your face
Do whatever you want"

W: "I know. I appreciate that. I just don't want you feeling like you have to fix anything"

Me: "I learned months ago Crispin that I can't fix things for you and that's it's not my job to make you happy
All I can do is be there to listen and maybe make things easier sometimes
So with that being said do what you want"

W: "Why are you being pissy?!?"

Me: "I'm not being pissy
I asked if you would like me to pick up sushi
Why? Because maybe for a small moment it would take your mind off of things
You responded negatively, at that point I said do whatever you want for dinner
Then made another statement to which I replied
Not sure why you think I'm being pissy
But that's not my intention"

W: "Ok well I'm being sensitive. I'm sorry. I just hate feeling like you are upset with me for something I wish I had more control over"

W: "I think I'm going to go to work tonight. They need someone and I need to keep busy right now"

Me: "I am not upset with you at all. Not sure where you got that idea
Do what you feel you need to do"

W: "I just felt like it"

W: "Thanks for understanding. I really do see all the changes in you and it helps. Otherwise I don't know where I would be or what I would do"

Me: "thank you"


So there was definitely some interesting things I heard from W in that exchange.
She never says sorry. That was definitely surprising. It was obviously nice to hear her say she is noticing the changes as well.
I decided to stay in our bedroom instead of guest bedroom tonight so the garage door does wake me up when she gets in early. I sent her the following text:

Me: "Staying in our bedroom tonight
Just a heads up"

W: "ok. That's cool with me"


Not sure what to think of where she seems to be with things, but we do have a MC session tomorrow afternoon.
My plan was to talk to her about her fears and let her know that I still have fears as well.
Guess we will see

[RSG]

CBT, she does say sorry?

W: "Ok well I'm being sensitive. I'm sorry. I just hate feeling like you are upset with me for something I wish I had more control over"

Did she ever say what she was stressed about?

Otherwise, it sounds ok. She notices the changes in you, and was ok with you staying in the MB. You didn't get angry, even though there was an opportunity for you to do so. To be honest, I could see my W talking to me like this. She says she hates the idea that you'd be upset with her, although there's no context to what she "doesn't have control over."

Maybe someone else sees something different, but I don't think there's anything to worry about. Do you know what she is/could be stressed about?

[cbtdad]

RSG she was frustrated and stressed because her horse didn't look like it was going to sell. She just felt as if it was all piling up. School, son diagnosed, horse, our marriage, etc
But you know what? The horse sold today.
So positive thoughts do work.
I had great IC session today and an even better MC session
In IC my therapist and I talked about the difference between "want" and "need"
I told her I felt as if for the last few years that I "needed" my wife
That I relied on her to make me happy during those times
But now I feel I "want" to be with my W, but that I don't need her
Yes, it would be tough to move on, but I would still be happy in the end
Because I'm happy about me as a person right now

On to MC session. We really talked about W being stressed lately. W brought up the fact that maybe one on one therapy might be good for her as well.
That was great to hear. We talked about our fears moving forward and how she is trying to work on things. She admitted that she is becoming vulnerable to me and that she is really noticing changes
I talked about how there are things that I still want moving forward, but I didn't push for them. That's I wasn't going to stress about those things right now because so much other things are going right
I said I really would like her to wear her ring again. She didn't say anything
But tonight when she left for work. She was wearing it.
I didn't say anything. I plan to in the morning
Anyways. I'm gonna just keep working on me and continue hope things go well
Patience patience patience

[RSG]

Ah, so no harm with her stress really. There's always going to be times where things always seem to be wrong, or difficult.

Yes. Want vs Need is very tough!! I'd be naive if I said I've fully learned it, but I feel like I'm to a point where if we D I can allow myself to mourn and then pickup my life and be ok.

Your W sounds like she feels like she's "falling behind." She sees you becoming a great man, and really wants to catch up to you. That's great!

The ring.

Keep working on you and going slow. Things are working!!!

[roist]

I see a lot of positives and huge potential in your situation.It is great that ye can air your thoughts. You see the positives yourself so I won't dwell on them now.

In your text conversation two things struck me. Any time anyone told me to do as I want, it was received negatively.That is just me maybe, but regardless of the context or intentions behind those words,iit isolates the person hearing them. Maybe a better way of conveying the same sentiment would be : do what you feel is best, you choose what works best for you, or simply say "do for the best". Of course you can state your offer stands if she chooses, but don't insist.

The second thing that struck me was when you talked about supporting her, not your job to make her happy, etc. Whereas they are true and need to be part of your beliefs, spoken like that they can come across as learned/fake and hence false/not true. It is too textbook if you get my meaning.

I know that you have being patient but you are pressuring her still.I am glad she put on the ring. I just hope she did so from choice and not obligation.the former is good, the latter could backfire due to resentment.If you mention the ring don't make a huge deal about it. Just acknowledge and appreciate her doing so.

Best wishes

[Coconut]

I agree with roist... actually he said exactly what I was going comment on re the texts... Do what you want seems negative, and quoting DB info/rules seems artificial.

I liked your response of just trying to put a smile on your face after she said she didn't need pity, and could of either ended there or you could have added, I know how much you like sushi and wanted to let you know I am going to pick some up in case you wanted some.

that's a lot for text, but if your going to banter back and forth on text, you have to be willing to put in the work to really type what you want to say and avoid short abrupt answers.

Overall, it definitely appears that you are both in it to win it.. There seems to be an understanding on both sides that you aren't going to say something that makes the other just decide it's over, and you both appear willing to talk things through until there seems to be a mutual understanding, that is definitely a positive. If the texts end after something that appears rude or abrasive is said, that's when you have to worry.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the feedback!
Yeah, things seem to be headed in the right direction. I think we are both at the point where we want to just take things slow. Last time around we rushed back into reconciliation and I don't think neither of us want to do that this time around.
We both agree we just put a bandaid on the problem last time

Yesterday we talked about goals that we would like to accomplish moving forward.
I mentioned her wearing her ring as one of those things moving foward.
So it was nice that she put it on.
I saw her for a minute early this morning and she wasn't wearing it.
I didn't bring it up. She was on her way to class and didn't see the point in having a discussion about it

I love that that y'all pointed out the comments, about "fixing her and making her happy", being textbook.
It makes me feel good because that wasn't my purpose at all and didn't even realized I did that until y'all pointed it out. Lol
It's just how I feel and view things now.
Makes me happy because it tells me that things I'm doing aren't being forced they are just coming more naturally now

[RSG]

Having a good holiday weekend? Hope the 3 of you are doing something fun!

[cbtdad]

I am having a good holiday weekend. Thanks for asking. I had to work yesterday. And W has been working the past two nights but we've had some good times. We took the little man down to dragoncon today. He loved it. We having some neighbors over tomorrow. I'm gonna fire up the Egg and smoke a few racks of St. Louis style ribs.
Overall things with W continue to go well. Flirting has been way up. She was getting ready and I just picked her as she was naked and twirled around. We were both laughing. This morning I got in bed and put my are over her and she reciprocated by rubbing my arm slowly.
As much as I want to just rush straight in to the sack I'm trying to just pace myself and not come across "needy"
How was your weekend so far?

[RSG]

Sounds like it's been great for you!! This is fantastic. Hope those ribs come out well, I hear the Egg can do anything.

Well, while you're debating whether there's been enough flirting to go straight for the booty I'm feeling like my W has completely withdrawn since I mentioned the positive movement to my therapist. Both from me and S. W said she took him to the Dragoncon parade Saturday and he did well.

I asked if she wanted to spend the afternoon with him Monday because she hasn't spent much time with him. She dismissed it like I was asking her to do a chore. Lately with dropoff, she's made it into a minute or two thing but when she texts she uses all kinds of emotions. I don't get that kind of hot/cold crap.

I'm taking him to my folks tomorrow which he should enjoy. It'll be fun for us all actually. I'll get a little rest, he'll be able to go nuts running around and his grandparents are ecstatic to see him.