Confused on What to Do

[ericmsant2]

Eagle

You are getting some great advice. I wanted to chime in a provide just a little support.

I know I need to work on myself, but it does make it hard when the W is at home in the evening and the morning.

I had a live in for 2 years. It is HARD, so I can relate. It is though POSSIBLE to work on YOU while she is still home.

Chin up buddy.

You can do this. Better yet....I can promise you that if YOU do....you will come out a changed man. You will come to realize just how STRONG you are.

And

Your W.....may one day thank you for it.

[Eagle11]

Eric,

Thanks for the advice. I know I'm not the only one going through this and after reading other threads on the board I know a lot have it worse than me. Somedays are better than others and today is not a good one mentally for me. I guess when I look at the whole sitch there is no end point and I have no idea where this will lead. Part of me feels if I told others that haven't gone through this they would say to just leave her. I have questioned myself why I would want to stay with someone who is doing this to our family. I guess that is the point I have to get to though. I have to get to the point that it will not effect me if she doesn't work things out with me. Somedays I think I can handle that and others are tough.

[CT1118]

Eagle11,

I am not sure if others have it worse or better - I think perception is the law of the land. You sound good man, all things considered. The hard days come and go, so do the strong ones; just that at some point the strong ones get stronger and more frequent while the hard ones get softer and less frequent.

In my experience, not everyone you tell who has not gone through this will say that you should go, but you do run a high risk of hearing it when you share.

I'm pulling for you - key word there is you.

[Eagle11]

CT118,

Thanks for the encouragement. Tonight was better than this morning/afternoon. I guess that's the way it goes sometimes, it's like a roller coaster throughout the day. Maybe I will get some sleep tonight. I still haven't got a full nights sleep since this started a month ago. I can sleep 4 or 5 hours, but then I wake up and toss and turn the rest of the night.

I get through tomorrow and I got my therapist appointment Friday morning. I have only been to one appointment, but I felt a good connection with this therapist. I have gone to therapy twice before. The first time was great and she really helped me with stuff that was happening in my life at the time. The second one I didn't get feel in connection and I think I lasted 4 or 5 sessions. This current therapist listened to me talk about my marriage last time. She told me she really wants to focus on me this session, which I think will be a positive for me.

[Eagle11]

Well today I'm wondering if my W is having a texting affair with a 2nd guy. I saw her phone light up last night with a message from a guy asking her to text him and I know I shouldn't have but I snooped into our phone records. What I found was that for about the past week she has been texting this guy almost as much as she has been texting the OM. This new guy works at her office with her and I know they work together on projects, but some of the times of there texts leave me a bit skeptical that this is strictly work related. I discovered they texted on Monday night after 10 pm and last night he sent her a text at 3:00 am.

She has told me in the past that she can't stand this guy and nobody likes him. I have actually heard this same thing from one of her friends that works at the office. My W has also told me that she thinks this guys wants her. In fact, one of my W's employees has told my W not to have any meetings with this guy alone because he doesn't trust him.

Could my W be having these EA's or whatever she is doing just for the attention? Like I said before I discovered these new texts, I have heard a couple people including my W say they can't stand this guy. My W actually drove with the guy a couple of weeks aago when she went out of town for work. When she got home she complained of having to sit in the car with him. Then a week after that she can't stop texting him.

I know I shouldn't be snooping but when I saw his name pop up on that text last night I couldn't help myself. This guy is a jerk that has a wife and 4 kids and now I'm thinking she might be getting involved with him. Maybe I'm overreacting or jumping to conclusions, but with everything else that has been going on its hard not too.

The other thing is that since I confronted her last week about what I know she has been a totally different person around the house. She hasn't shown anger towards me,she has actually acted happy to see me. She has also started acting like herself around the kids. She has been much more attentive towards them, which is the exact opposite as before.

[Mach1]

Well today I'm wondering if my W is having a texting affair with a 2nd guy. I saw her phone light up last night with a message from a guy asking her to text him and I know I shouldn't have but I snooped into our phone records. What I found was that for about the past week she has been texting this guy almost as much as she has been texting the OM. This new guy works at her office with her and I know they work together on projects, but some of the times of there texts leave me a bit skeptical that this is strictly work related. I discovered they texted on Monday night after 10 pm and last night he sent her a text at 3:00 am.

She has told me in the past that she can't stand this guy and nobody likes him. I have actually heard this same thing from one of her friends that works at the office. My W has also told me that she thinks this guys wants her. In fact, one of my W's employees has told my W not to have any meetings with this guy alone because he doesn't trust him.

Could my W be having these EA's or whatever she is doing just for the attention? Like I said before I discovered these new texts, I have heard a couple people including my W say they can't stand this guy. My W actually drove with the guy a couple of weeks aago when she went out of town for work. When she got home she complained of having to sit in the car with him. Then a week after that she can't stop texting him.

I know I shouldn't be snooping but when I saw his name pop up on that text last night I couldn't help myself. This guy is a jerk that has a wife and 4 kids and now I'm thinking she might be getting involved with him. Maybe I'm overreacting or jumping to conclusions, but with everything else that has been going on its hard not too.

Simply put...

This is why snooping is often discouraged...

You are basically asking questions that you do not want the answer to...

More often though, you are asking questions that you are not ready to hear the answer to....


How does any of this ( not so) new information change YOUR path ??

Should any of that , take the focus off of you ?

What were you hoping to see ??

The other thing is that since I confronted her last week about what I know she has been a totally different person around the house. She hasn't shown anger towards me,she has actually acted happy to see me. She has also started acting like herself around the kids. She has been much more attentive towards them, which is the exact opposite as before.

Wanna change that ^^^ ????

Tell her that you were going through her phone ...


Not a good idea....

[AndrewP]

Eagle11

One thing I've heard and read is that people will "affair down" continuing to go down-market on each subsequent one.

A good mood could also be an indication that she's getting her happiness elsewhere. I know that my W would be in a great mood with me after secretly spending time with OM.

Of course I could be completely wrong about all of this too.

[Eagle11]

Mach1,

Thanks for the response. This should not change my path. I know that, it's just so frustrating to see her do this.

Also, I have no plans to tell her about any of this. First of all, I can't prove anything because I didn't actually see anything. I know if I say something and I'm wrong, it will be bad for whatever relationship we have. I also know just telling her would admit that I can't stop snooping. She already knows I snooped before and I know she is paranoid because she thought I put a tracking device in her car last week. She tore apart her trunk looking for something that was never there. She also tried to hack into my computer to look at the history.

[Eagle11]

Eagle11

One thing I've heard and read is that people will "affair down" continuing to go down-market on each subsequent one.

A good mood could also be an indication that she's getting her happiness elsewhere. I know that my W would be in a great mood with me after secretly spending time with OM.

Of course I could be completely wrong about all of this too.

AndrewP,

I don't know much about the original OM, other than his career and I've seen a couple of pics. If this 2nd OM is true then I know she has "affaired down" because everybody I've heard talk about this guy can't stand him. Even my W couldn't stand him not that long ago. I've heard her complain to others about this guy. That is why this is so confusing.

I know you could be right about the good mood thing, but I really hope your wrong. It has been strange the last week though. She comes home from work and you would think there is nothing wrong in our M. She acts happy to see me. She wants to talk to me. She is happy to see the kids and asks about their day. She almost acts like her old self, but then she goes to work and proceeds to spend most her day texting 2 other guys about who knows what. The thing I wonder about is that now she knows I know and I didn't get upset about it, then she may think in her mind that I think it is ok.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Telling you guys not to worry about the OM is easy.

You guys not worrying about the OM is hard, if not impossible.

Look these guys are bottom feeding opportunists. If your wives weren't having some sort of crisis there is little chance they'd give them the time of day. Each one of you has more character than all of your OM put together.

With that being said.

The OM is a bandaid, and a symptom.

I will also say this with 100% honesty, looking back with Time distant, I am glad she had an OM, because I know she compared him and me. I am glad that he was there to provide some comfort in her MLC, since in no way could that be me, despite me wanting to turn him into a pretzel at the time.

It has been strange the last week though. She comes home from work and you would think there is nothing wrong in our M. She acts happy to see me. She wants to talk to me. She is happy to see the kids and asks about their day. She almost acts like her old self, but then...

Ignoring the BUT part.

You have this fantastic opportunity to show her...not tell her...just how awesome you are.

Oh and likely ANY positive changes you make she will likely complain about...ignore or validate but don't stop. She isn't the only one that can re-evaluate their life and make changes.

Use this time to shine.