Confused on What to Do

[Eagle11]

Kyh, I haven't read your thread but I am going to check it out tonight.

She has switched to facebook messenger for her contact with OM now and that's probably a good thing for me. I don't have her password for that and I can't snoop. I know snooping wasn't doing me any good but it was almost like a drug for me. I was addicted to see if she was texting the OM. Like this morning when I saw her texting over and over and still had to check to see if it was the OM she was texting. I've been with her 12 years and I've never seen her text so much, so I knew it was him. I checked our previous 2 phone bills and she average about 1200 texts a month total and she texts the OM 2600 times in 1 month. It's just crazy. Sometimes I think this is all some movie or a bad dream. I've actually woke up a couple of times and looked over to her side of the bed but of course she wasn't there.

I saw a therapist today for the first time and she explained the affair the same way you have. It's like a drug to her and she can't get enough right now. At some point reality will kick in and she will wake up, but you just don't know when that will be. I see your point on the snooping. If she realized what I was doing today with my snooping it might actually make her want to do it more. Sometimes I feel like my 36 year old W is 16. It feels like I'm back in high school.

It feels like overnight she just decided to rewrite our history and fall out of love with me. I don't understand how this is possible. I honestly don't know her anymore. If I were to describe her now I would say she is a liar, cheat and doesn't respect anyone. The crazy thing is that a month ago I would have described her as loving, compassionate, driven, etc. How can someone change so much in a month.

Finally, I didn't tell my wife to leave but I did ask her to leave so she could find herself. She actually agreed but then changed her mind. I still think if she would leave it would be better for our sitch, but I know that is not going to happen. I am not going to push her on it though. My problem is I feel I have been a doormat in our relationship. I feel she has been the one in control and i go along with her. I was thinking about the major decisions in our life and if we had opposite views we always went her way. I was almost going to get tough with her on this and change my ways when I thought she was a WW, but now that I think she is MLC I guess I need to remain more a doormat. I guess I feel being a doormat she won't realize how much I am trying to improve myself.

[job]

Eagle,

The OM is like a drug to her and the addiction will be hard to break, but if there is a will, there is a way and she will need to decide to end the affair. Then again the OM may end it if he gets tired of her.

Now, I do want to point out that it's not a good thing to play games w/the MLCer. They don't forget one thing that we say or do and they will remind you of it over and over again. This not the game called "Life". This is a real situation that is based on emotions and her decisions are all based on emotions. Snooping only gets you more frustrated about the situation and eventually, if you are not careful, you will tell on yourself. So nip that in the bud as well.

As for being a doormat...no, you don't play the doormat. You are a human being that has a lot to offer the world. Go out there and improve yourself any way that you can. Don't worry about what she's thinking of your right now. Why? Because she's looking through a pair of black glasses and can't see two feet in front of her. Don't tell her what you are doing to improve yourself...show her! Actions speak louder than words. Again, actions speak louder than words.

Stay the course, continue moving forward and live your life to the fullest for YOU!

[Eagle11]

job,

I am done snooping. It's hard and I can't guarantee I won't slip up but I am going to try my best to stop. Like I said earlier, the fact that she apparently will be using facebook to communicate with him will be a good thing for me. I know that and I just need to trust myself.

I really need to read up more on an MLCer. I have read some of the articles and threads but I need to take the time to go through everything before I do anything stupid. I also need to read other people's threads more to get there experiences. I am going to work on that.

Actions speak louder than words! Thanks for telling me that. I need to keep reminding myself.

Thanks

[job]

Eagle,

Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. Each and every time you have a desire to snoop, snap that band. Your focus will be on the sting. Also, set up a change jar and again, if you get the urge to snoop, drop some coins in the charge. I bet you will have it filled up in no time. We all go through a period of wanting to snoop...it's very normal, but there comes a time when you just have to back off and leave them to it. They are like teenagers and what do teens do? They constantly text, email or FB each other all of the time. Right now you are the authority figure (dad) and she's going to keep on doing it and who knows, she could be testing you to see if you will snoop or say something to her about it...but I would remain silent.

If you aren't sure about doing something, come here to post. Someone is always around. MGoBlue once said "when in doubt, do nothing". That is a choice and one that I have used many times and it's saved me from doing something really stupid.

The more you read, the more you'll begin to understand that what they are dealing w/and also how you can take care of yourself.

[Kyh]

Kyh, I haven't read your thread but I am going to check it out tonight.

Idk if there's anything great in it, there are probably better threads to read but the more people's posts you read the better. I saw a lot of similarities while reading yours (even more so in your last post) so I thought I'd share the bit about telling her to leave in case it was on your mind.

[Eagle11]

Well tonight was not the best. My W didn't get home until 9:00pm because she went to get a tattoo. I was upset because she didn't text me to let me know and I had my S6 asking me from 6:30 on what time his mom was going to be home. I couldn't give him an answer. It was so frustrating. I don't really care and I don't expect her to tell me when she is going to be late, but I would like her to tell me for the kids.

Before she got home I broke down and cried for the first time in probably a week. The emotions finally hit me and I was a mess. It was the most depressed I have been probably since this all started. It just feels like this is a losing battle. I just miss my best friend. It's so hard to spend everyday with someone for over 12 years and then she just chooses to no longer be with you over night. There wasn't even a gradual decline, it was basically over a 3 or 4 day period she decided to destroy everything we had. I know you all have went through it too and I know a lot of you have had it worse than me, but it just an awful feeling.

Then when she gets home she showed me the tattoo and it was the infinity symbol with the boys name in it. The crazy thing was that I got her a necklace from the boys that is nearly identical for her birthday. I bought the necklace about a month ago and they gave it to her tonight. Its so strange that she chose this as her first tattoo without knowing about the necklace. Another thing for those who read my original post. When she had an EA in the winter of 2008/2009 she came home after seeing the guy with a nose ring. She had never mentioned wanting a nose ring before just like she has never mentioned she wanted a tattoo. I always hated that nose ring because she kept it for a couple years after we got back together and it always reminded me of the EA.

I wanted to tell her that it was great she got a tattoo with her kids name on it but it would have been better if she actually showed them how much she loved them by being present. Anybody can get a tattoo, but it takes effort to be a good parent. Don't worry I kept my mouth shut.

Then the night gets weirder. She tells me that my sister posted something on facebook about my W (without actually calling her out by name) and it was not very nice. My W was not mad at me but she just wanted me to know. I have never told my sister anything and I told my mom not to say anything but I bet my mom did. This makes me upset. This is another obstacle in my way. I know my family means well, but I don't need them getting in the way. I think my W could use this as another excuse to get a D. She knows I had nothing to do with it but she will say something like she could never face my family anymore.

The night got even more weird. My W is talking to me about my sister and she goes to take a shower and gets undressed in front of me. She is standing there naked like its perfectly normal but we are having a conversation. She hops in the shower and proceeds to tell me about her trip last week. She of course left out the details about the OM and I didn't bring them up. I really think something happened last week with the OM. I just have a gut feeling. When she was telling me her story she told a couple of details that I know were lies or didn't add up. She also told me they had been drinking that night at dinner. She said she had a margarita and I know if she drinks its bad news. Maybe she didn't do anything but just the way she told the story of her trip didn't add up to me. She actually volunteered the story to me and I didn't ask her about it. The whole situation was bizarre. She then got out of the shower and had me hand her a towel. There was absolutely no sexual vibes between us and she acted as if it was perfectly normal for her to stand there naked with me in the room. I know this was bad and I can't let this happen again. I was not expecting it, I honestly thought she would shut the door on me or something but she just got undressed without a care in the world.

I think I am ready for bed. I feel sorry for my W, but I also have a hate towards her tonight. I just feel the lying has become so natural and so easy for her. The A keeps escalating so quickly and I know she will be back to the OM office in 2 weeks. My therapist asked me today how I would feel if I found out the EA became a PA, but I couldn't give her an answer. I honestly don't know how I would feel or react.

[Brubeck]

I broke down and cried for the first time in probably a week. The emotions finally hit me and I was a mess. It was the most depressed I have been probably since this all started. It just feels like this is a losing battle.

That's normal and healthy. I was such a wreck for the first 3 months, so slammed into the wall by this, that I would start tearing up standing in line at a grocery store - and prior to my W's MLC, I was NOT the crying type. It may not feel good to cry at the moment, but it's definitely cathartic. It's painful, but it's necessary. Get it out of your system. Your soul is cut and crying is the disinfectant before the bandage is applied.

I have never told my sister anything and I told my mom not to say anything but I bet my mom did. This makes me upset. This is another obstacle in my way. I know my family means well, but I don't need them getting in the way. I think my W could use this as another excuse to get a D. She knows I had nothing to do with it but she will say something like she could never face my family anymore.

This is exactly why I haven't told my mother. You are wise to keep your mouth shut about this.

The night got even more weird. My W is talking to me about my sister and she goes to take a shower and gets undressed in front of me. She is standing there naked like its perfectly normal but we are having a conversation. She hops in the shower and proceeds to tell me about her trip last week.... she then got out of the shower and had me hand her a towel. There was absolutely no sexual vibes between us and she acted as if it was perfectly normal for her to stand there naked with me in the room. I know this was bad and I can't let this happen again.

I think I heard the term from Sandi2. It's called Temperature Checking. An MLCer or a WAS will do something like that to gauge your interest, to see if you notice or pay attention. I am trying to mind read here, but I am betting your W is just looking for your eyes to travel below her neck for just a second. My W would temperature check me every now and again, she's stopped since moving out of the MBR. You did the right thing by playing it straight. She didn't want you to make it sexual. She may try it again, and she will corner you with it when you don't expect it.

I feel sorry for my W, but I also have a hate towards her tonight. I just feel the lying has become so natural and so easy for her.

You and me both. I feel pity and disgust for my W at once. I get angry and sad in the same breath. Some mornings feel like the end of the world and by the afternoon I'm thinking 'Hey, I'll be fine'.

As for the lying, one of the reasons I post is to ask if this kind of rampant lying is normal. My W doesn't just lie to me, she lies about me to others and lies to others about everything. Every veteran says it's part & parcel, lying is like breathing to them. After all, they're lying to themselves - so lying to everyone else is easy.

We're human and we're supposed to be f#&ked up for a while. It takes time to find one's footing in this. I'm still working on it myself.

[Eagle11]

Brubeck,

I have read through your thread and we do have a lot of similarities. My heart goes out to you and your family.

I don't know what my W was trying to do by being naked in front of me. I know it wasn't sexual, but even if she would have invited me into the shower there is no way I was going in there. At that moment I did not find her attractive at all. That might have been the first time in my life that I was standing in front of a naked attractive woman and had absolutely no desire for her.

The lying thing is driving me crazy. She is doing it with such ease now. Although like I stated in my previous post I could tell some things didn't add up with her story. I didn't call her out on them, but it just didn't make sense. She had basically told a similar story about her trip to a friend who was over on Saturday and I heard the story. Last night, she told me somewhat the same story but key details were different. I don't know what she has told others, but I know she is rewriting our history. If she told them the truth that our marriage had gotten a little stale and that she was tired of some of my issues but I was trying to work on them it would not be a good enough story to justify a D. I'm sure she has told all kinds of lies about me or exaggerated the truth to make all this justified. Also, I am sure she hasn't told anybody about the A. That would not make her look good, and she has to make sure I'm the reason our marriage is in shambles and not her.

[Brubeck]

Thanks for the kind words, Eagle.

I don't know what my W was trying to do by being naked in front of me. I know it wasn't sexual, but even if she would have invited me into the shower there is no way I was going in there.

Same here. My W came home drunk about a month ago and tried to entice me - she wanted me to pursue her and only because she was drunk. There was no way I would entertain the idea, not with her still having an A (she doesn't know I know).

At that moment I did not find her attractive at all. That might have been the first time in my life that I was standing in front of a naked attractive woman and had absolutely no desire for her.

Same here. For my W, the crazy exercise and starving herself has paid off, she's lost a lot of weight and looks great - but I have no urge to touch her whatsoever.

The lying thing is driving me crazy. She is doing it with such ease now... I could tell some things didn't add up with her story. I didn't call her out on them, but it just didn't make sense. She had basically told a similar story about her trip to a friend who was over on Saturday and I heard the story. Last night, she told me somewhat the same story but key details were different. I don't know what she has told others, but I know she is rewriting our history.

I notice the same things with my W. The very wise job replied to one of my posts and said that if your W's friends have any sense they will notice the gaps as well. Hopefully, someone else will point this out to her. My W just got a job, first one in 11 years. In the span of two days the start date has changed 3 times. I think she's so anxious about this that she can't keep track of it.

Also...

I was thinking about your reply that your W's only interest in the boys is going into Supermom mode when something really bad happens. I asked because my W has withdrawn from my sons big time. She is only affectionate by way of buying them a lot of sweets and being super happy when she's about to leave or when she's coming home. That's it. She ignores them most of the day save for dressing and feeding them.

I think a MLC Mother does something to fool themselves that they still care about their kids, even though the other parent may be doing most of the day to day work. For your W, the 'Supermom' moments she gets are such a thing - she's telling herself she's still an active parent. This also makes sense if she's a business / management type at her job because you have to deal with obstacles and setbacks all day long, so responding to emergencies becomes second nature.

[Eagle11]

Brubeck,

There really are a lot of similarities between our stories. My wife has lost a ton of weight too. She was never fat, but very average weight for a woman in her mid 30's who has had two kids. She has lost so much weight this month, that she doesn't even really look like the same person. She is very attractive, but I always found her attractive no matter how much she weighed. I of course told her this a couple of weeks ago and she said I should have told her that more often. What she doesn't seem to remember is that I told her how beautiful she was all the time, but she would often dismiss it because she didn't find herself attractive. I think she has depression and I know she has low self esteem. I'm guessing that is part of the attraction to the OM, the new guy telling her how good she looks.

I was thinking about your reply that your W's only interest in the boys is going into Supermom mode when something really bad happens. I asked because my W has withdrawn from my sons big time. She is only affectionate by way of buying them a lot of sweets and being super happy when she's about to leave or when she's coming home. That's it. She ignores them most of the day save for dressing and feeding them.

I think a MLC Mother does something to fool themselves that they still care about their kids, even though the other parent may be doing most of the day to day work. For your W, the 'Supermom' moments she gets are such a thing - she's telling herself she's still an active parent. This also makes sense if she's a business / management type at her job because you have to deal with obstacles and setbacks all day long, so responding to emergencies becomes second nature.

I think my W thinks she is a good mother but she is never there. Last night she goes out after work to get a tattoo with our boys names and this somehow shows her love for them. Meanwhile, my S6 is at home asking me where mom is because he misses her. It was her birthday yesterday and although we were not going to throw a party the boys did have a gift for her. She doesn't call or text and then comes in the door at almost 9:00. My kids were so excited to see her. They are too young to understand, but I feel if she keeps this behavior they will withdraw and resent her as they get older and start to understand.

Of course when she got home she had to send pics of her new tattoo to all her family and friends. She had to show how much love she has for her boys by putting there names on her body. Meanwhile, I was the one who made them dinner, I was the one who made sure they had their baths and I was the one who got them ready for bed. I feel she has always put work first, but I think she has now moved the boys farther down on the priority list and she thinks by getting a tattoo or taking them to get a toy on the weekend makes it all good. Just like when there is a crisis, she makes sure she is the one who handles it and not me. When our son had to go to the ER last weekend she made sure she was the one to take him. She told me to stay with our S2 at home. I think your right about in your description of how she treats her kids almost like her work.