You have this fantastic opportunity to show her...not tell her...just how awesome you are.
Oh and likely ANY positive changes you make she will likely complain about...ignore or validate but don't stop. She isn't the only one that can re-evaluate their life and make changes.
Use this time to shine.
Jack,
Thanks for the words. I need them tonight. The W just gave me her feelings out of nowhere tonight. She says she doesn't feel anything for me and she doesn't know if she ever will. She says its been 12 years of hurt for her and she doesn't know if she will ever love me again. She doesn't think she can be her true self around me. She said I don't appreciate her for what all she has done for our marriage. She thinks I don't find her attractive or that I truly love her either. I could go on and on with what she said. It was like being punched in the face. This came out of nowhere tonight, there was no indication this was going to come up. She also claims the OM is over and her texts are for support at work because he knows what she is going through with the stress of her job and I don't.
I also opened my big mouth after she told me this stuff and told her I thought she has been controlling in our relationship because I feel she has always been the one to make the big decisions and I never really had a say. I gave her some examples and she obviously didn't agree. As soon as those words came out of my mouth I regretted saying it. It just seems so unfair that she can criticize me for everything but I can't say anything to her.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Also, she told me she doesn't need to go to therapy anymore because she can handle it on her own, but I am the one who needs to go to therapy. I told her I agree that I need to go to therapy but she really needs to think about giving up therapy. She has some serious issues that need to be dealt with and she knows that, but she is just going to give up.
She told me she might have to work this Saturday, she is going out of town next week for 3 days, the following week for 3 days and she might have to go out of town that weekend as well. Then she tells me she thinks she needs 4 or 5 days to unwind with her mom or sister so she can relax and get away from all this stress. She said she needs to really think about our relationship. Of course in my head I'm thinking she isn't going away with her mom or sister but with the OM. That could be me just overthinking things but I just don't know if I believe her. One thing for sure though is that if she has to be away all this time then I won't have much time for me. I will be watching the kids.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
She doesn't think she needs therapy. Why? Because there's nothing wrong w/her (in her mind). I wouldn't have any more discussions about her going to therapy. You can't argue w/an irrational person. If you think you need to seek out some therapy, then go...but it's best to let things be w/her about this subject.
Try not to "assume" anything when it comes to her comments/actions. I think she told you quite a bit about what she is doing, which makes me think that guilt was helping her lips to move freely. But, we can't assume that she'll be anywhere but where she said she'll be at this time. Time will tell.
I'm sorry that you'll have the kids while she's out and about, but I'm sure you'll come up w/some entertainment that all of you will enjoy. BTW, do you have a reliable sitter? Maybe get a sitter for a bit if you feel the need to get out and have a breather from taking care of the kids. There's no harm in that...just like mommy, daddy will need some time to himself as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She doesn't think she needs therapy. Why? Because there's nothing wrong w/her (in her mind). I wouldn't have any more discussions about her going to therapy. You can't argue w/an irrational person. If you think you need to seek out some therapy, then go...but it's best to let things be w/her about this subject.
Try not to "assume" anything when it comes to her comments/actions. I think she told you quite a bit about what she is doing, which makes me think that guilt was helping her lips to move freely. But, we can't assume that she'll be anywhere but where she said she'll be at this time. Time will tell.
I'm sorry that you'll have the kids while she's out and about, but I'm sure you'll come up w/some entertainment that all of you will enjoy. BTW, do you have a reliable sitter? Maybe get a sitter for a bit if you feel the need to get out and have a breather from taking care of the kids. There's no harm in that...just like mommy, daddy will need some time to himself as well.
Job,
I'm about to go to my 2nd therapy session in about 30 minutes. I think it is coming at a good time after last night. Didn't get much sleep so I got up at 5:30 and went to the gym. It's funny, but the things she is saying to me I could almost predict that she would by reading other people's threads on here. It really is almost like a script. She is the one that has broken down crying countless times in the past month talking about her past and yet now she is suddenly cured and doesn't need the help of a therapist. I won't push it anymore with her.
This whole thing started innocently. I asked her if there was a day she could watch our S2 next week so I could schedule another therapy appointment. She told me next Friday and then I asked her if she had found another therapist because the last we talked about this she said she was looking. That's when she blew up and said she didn't need one anymore and I was the only one who needed one.
Also, she sat there and was texting the original OM and she let me see they were texting about work. She said that's all they text about now and the reason she still texts him is because he is in the same situation at his job as she is at hers. They have the same title and are dealing with the same stuff so they can relate to each other. Of course I don't see how 150 texts a day can be about work but I didn't say anything. I was also good and didn't bring up the suspected new OM.
She told me she is so stressed at work and she can't talk to me about it because I won't understand her job and what she is talking about and that is why she is talking to these OM. I told her to tell me anyway because if it is stressing her out then I want to help, even if all I did was allow her to vent her frustrations.
She also told me she had to go to lunch yesterday with a new client and while they were driving he touched and rubbed her leg. I asked her what that meant and she said she didn't know. I have no idea why she told me that. I don't know if she wanted to make me jealous or upset. Maybe she just wanted me to know that somebody else finds her attractive.
Unfortunately we don't have a babysitter. We both have agreed that if we had a babysitter and better communication we probably wouldn't be in this sitch. We moved here about a year ago and have never really found anyone we were comfortable with.
Finally, the most frustrating thing about this is that I have no control over this M. It's up to her to decide what we do and it's so frustrating. She controls what will happen to our family and its so stressful to have to live like this. I know I have to take care of myself, but its just not right that this insane woman is going to effect what happens to the rest of my life.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I'm sorry you didn't sleep well last night. The therapy session will be good for you today. Yes, they all tend to use the script in MLC and in some cases as a WAW too. The only difference can be the actions that they take.
As for her text messages to the OM...it's called an emotional affair. To her, it's just sharing and talking about work, but she should be turning to you for support and certainly not 150 text messages to the OM, even if it is about work. As for the client, do you think that incident was real or did she imagine it? I know that my xh thought his co-worker's wife was flirting w/him and had the hots for him, but that wasn't the case at all. She was just being courteous to him when her h wss in a motorcycle accident and we came by to visit w/them. All she did was smile at him and he was off to the wild blue yonder thinking she wanted him. Maybe this is the same type of fantasy in her mind. Maybe she's talking out loud about it to make it more real and also see what your reaction will be.
Yes, I do understand the frustration of not having any control over the marriage at the moment. Just remember, you do have control over you, what you say and how you react to things. You can choose to sit and do nothing or continue to work on you and keep your focus on you and your kids...which I believe you are doing w/your whole heart.
Good luck w/therapy today. I do hope it helps.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I also opened my big mouth after she told me this stuff and told her I thought she has been controlling in our relationship because I feel she has always been the one to make the big decisions and I never really had a say. I gave her some examples and she obviously didn't agree. As soon as those words came out of my mouth I regretted saying it.
The next time you feel like defending or arguing...just try and remember how well it goes for you right now.
And this isn't one of those things where..."maybe THIS time it will go differently"...it won't.
Quote:
It just seems so unfair that she can criticize me for everything but I can't say anything to her.
Who the [censored] told you life was going to be fair? You should get your money back from that guy.
Quote:
Finally, the most frustrating thing about this is that I have no control over this M. It's up to her to decide what we do and it's so frustrating. She controls what will happen to our family and its so stressful to have to live like this. I know I have to take care of myself, but its just not right that this insane woman is going to effect what happens to the rest of my life
Then quit. Then you have control. You have control in how long you do this. There is your control. Stand up to her and ride this out, there is your control. You are confusing the Pain of what you are CHOOSING to go through as not having control. And that is not true. You are choosing to hold onto your marriage, and let pretend that marriage metaphorically is a burning log. You are choosing to hold onto it with your hand and you are getting burnt and you are basically saying, this log is burning me and I cannot control it. You could choose to use some tongs, distance and all of the protective strategies we suggest. You cannot be a victim here if you choose this course. This woman doesn't have THAT much power over you. It is my hope that your realize that soon, and that while you are being mistreated and are suffering you realize it is your choice because you want to be able to save your marriage.
You are on a small boat, your wife's MLC is a raging hurricane in front of you. Go through or go around.
I have posted this several times before, I'd appreciate it if you read it. I think you could use it, yes it is a poem, but it a poem when men where men, not some of this BS slam poetry hipster garbage.
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
As for the client, do you think that incident was real or did she imagine it?
I have wondered about this. I was the one that actually brought up the meeting with the client to see how it went. She told me it went well and then started telling me about the guy and that he offered to give my son and I tickets for a sporting event this month. She didn't bring up the touching of her leg until at least an hour later and it came totally out of the blue. I don't know if she was imagining it or maybe he just touched her leg in an innocent way. I also wonder if she just told me this so I would think another guy found her attractive and maybe make me angry or jealous. At this point I'm probably better off not analyzing it.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Great post and I will need to read it a few more times for it to sink in. The post has made me reevaluate how I am going about things. The burning log metaphor made sense to me and I definitely need to think about things and how I am going about getting my life back in order.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I had my 2nd therapist appointment today and I must say I actually like going to this therapist. I came in feeling so depressed but left in a much better frame of mind. She told me many of the same things you all have told me hear and it was nice to talk to someone in person and get that kind of feedback. She really focused at the end of our session in making sure I'm not blaming myself for these EA's. She said the EA's are my W's choice but are not on me. If she was not happy in the marriage it is not an excuse to seek someone else. We also talked about ways to get me in a better place and will focus more on that next week. This might sound crazy but I wish I could go to therapy more often. Even if its just to talk to someone in person who will listen to me and acts as if they care.
The therapist explained my W's thinking as best she could and allowed me to get a better understanding of where this is all coming from. She believes this stems from her childhood and lack of relationship with her biological father as well as her stepfather who passed away. My therapist truly believes my W will not get better without counseling but there is nothing I can do about that. My therapist feels my W has been holding onto a lot of this anger/depression for 30 years since her parents divorced. My therapist admired me for sticking through this so far but told me just as you all have that this could take a long time for my W to get through, especially without therapy.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
