Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2700524 08/29/16 11:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Eagle11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2700462&page=1

Hello,

I have been on the newcomers board but Sandi2 thought I might get better advice over here. I posted a link to my thread over there.

Here is a brief summary of what is going on.

I'm 39 and my W will be 36 tomorrow. We have a S6 and S2. We have been together for 12 years and married for 10. My W has been very successful at work but it has caused us to move around a lot. We have lived in OH, AZ, FL, NY, OH and GA over the last 10 years. With all the moving around and the 2 young boys I became a stay at home dad about 5 1/2 years ago.

Our marriage has been pretty typical I would say. Normal up and downs with only really trouble one time. In the winter of 2008-2009 my W had a EA with a man that lasted about 2-3 months. The guy actually lived in OH while we were in AZ and she traveled there to see him. They ended up kissing but nothing else. A couple of months later we got our marriage back together and for the most part it has been relatively normal since.

In late July my W had to go to Las Vegas for a work conference where I believe the last night a work colleague of hers tried to kiss her. She said she didn't let him (but I don't know if this is true). Anyway a couple days after she got home she started texting him a lot. I have found out they text close to 150 times a day. About a week after her EA started with the OM she sat me down and told me she didn't think she could be in our marriage anymore. She said she was unhappy and had been for a long time. This was all news to me, I will admit our marriage has gotten stale and our communication was bad but I never thought it was over. In fact we had just bought a house at the end of June. I couldn't understand who would buy a house and then want a divorce a month later. That same night I found her texting the OM and I managed to read a few of the texts which of course were sexual. She said he didn't mean anything and it just made her feel good and wanted. I asked her to stop and work on our marriage, but she didn't know if she could.

Over the last 3 weeks she has became more normal towards me. At first she was very cold and distant. She was often angry at me but lately she has acted normal. She moved into the guest room and she told me she is more comfortable now because she feels like we are roommates.

She has also started to see a therapist.Through therapy she has discovered she has abandonment issues with me. Her dad and mom divorced when she was 6 and she has always had a bad relationship with her dad. Then her stepdad (who she always considered her real dad) died of ALS when she was 18. She told me she is angry towards him for dying and leaving her. She also explained that before she met me she would cheat on a boyfriend so she wouldn't get hurt. She said she would rather do the hurting. She said she thinks this is what she is doing to me now.

She also told me about being raped by a boyfriend in college. She had mentioned it once before when we had just started dating, but I didn't really know what to say and she never brought it up again. She has had sexual issues since we got married. She told me recently she hates sex. She said she finds it gross an doesn't want to do it. I asked her if it had to do with the rape and she said she wasn't sure.

I have also thought about how she is with our kids. She is a great mom when the kids are in need. If the kids are sick she is supermom and will take care of them. With the more day to day stuff she doesn't seem interested. I know she works hard and it's really on me to raise them during the week, but it is not uncommon for her not to even call home when she is out of town. She will tell me she fell asleep or had to stay out late and didn't want to wake us.

The OM who she is having an EA with lives about 3 hours away. He holds the same position as her but works in a different office. Last week she had to go to his office to work with him for one day. She spent the night there before coming home the next day. I don't know if the EA turned to PA last week.

I actually didn't know if she was still having the EA because on 8/11 I tried to login to our phone account and it said the password was wrong. I figured she must have changed the password and didn't say anything. Last night I was bored and tried the password again and got into the account. That's when I discovered the EA is still going strong. She is being more discreet now. She is mainly doing the texting while she is away from home or I am, but she texted him 2600 times since this started. She has to go back to his office in two weeks for 3 days and 2 nights so I'm figuring if nothing happened last time it will surely happen next time.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I don't know if she is an MLC, but Sandi thought maybe you all could help out because she wasn't sure what to do. I haven't told her that I found out about the texts other than the ones at the beginning. I feel I need to confront her but I am not really sure how to do that. I know this EA needs to end to have any chance to heal our marriage, but I don't know how that could happen.

Thanks for reading and sorry about the long summary.


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Summaries tend to be long and helpful.

OK, first off Cadet gave you a great list to spend some of your time reading through. There is a lot of great information in there. It'll help you pass the time too.

Its really up to you to determine if it is an MLC, as no one here is a professional. Although after saying that I believe there is a huge difference between a WAW and an MLCer.

Despite what she said about sex...are you going to be ok if her EA turns into a PA? To be honest, no matter what your answer is right now, you'll actually know when it happens.
I hope that you can still work on your marriage if it goes that way.

Quote:

I feel I need to confront her but I am not really sure how to do that. I know this EA needs to end to have any chance to heal our marriage, but I don't know how that could happen.


Confronting her about it isn't going to snap her out of this. She isn't going to be grateful that you know, and she will change the password.

Which...would be good.

What you are doing is snooping, and its both addictive and harmful to you. You are going to have all sorts of reason to justify doing it...and all it is going to do is hurt you and your mental health.

Knowledge is power, yes. But in these cases knowledge is also pain. If you want to save your marriage stop snooping, if you want a divorce keep snooping.

A few questions for you.

Is she seemingly confused, or uncertain?

Is she dressing up or acting younger, working out more?

Has she re-written any of your married history?

Is she doing more fun things and forgetting her responsibilities?

OK and a few questions about you:

What are you doing for yourself? Are you keeping active?

Have you let yourself go since being married?

Do you have a decent real life support group? A few friends you can relax with?

A warning about friends and family. They will more than likely tell you to move on. They do this because they don't want to see you hurt and this is the easiest way to them to move on, you don't deserve this, blah, blah, blah.
Tell them that you want their support but that you want them to support your decision not to be constantly told to move on.
Be frank with them and if they can't do that then you need to limit your time around them if you are willing to stand for your marriage.

Welcome to the best worst place you can be.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Eagle11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
Jack_Three_Beans, thanks for responding.

I had never thought about a MLC until Sandi2 brought it up to me this morning. I just assumed a MLC wouldn't happen to a women in her mid 30's. I need to do more research to try to figure this out.

I don't trust her about the sex. I know she doesn't like it but I think it might be different with a new man. When we first got together she loved to have sex (or at least she acted like it), then after we got married it went away. She would often get into it if she had a few drinks. That really loosened her up. It got to the point where if she had a few glasses of wine in the evening I knew we would probably have sex that night. At first that was good, but as time went on it began to make me feel bad. Like she will only have sex with me if she is drunk. When she visited his offices last week, I thought there was a 50/50 chance something physical could happen if she didn't drink, but if she had a few drinks at dinner I am almost positive something would happen. The only thing that may have saved it was that she was with 8 or 9 other people and had to drive back to the hotel with them.

As far as confronting her, that's where I am really unsure on what to do. It would be totally against my personality to confront her on this. I am too passive and would not want to start a confrontation. I am not strong enough and I hate to say it but maybe not man enough around her to challenge her on things. If I confronted her I think it would be not what she expected.

As far as the password goes, if she changed it I know it would be for the better. The last few weeks when it was changed were easier on me than the last day. I was clueless on what she was doing and I know I was better for it. If she did change it and then change it back then I don't know what she was trying to do. I don't know if she wants me to see the texts and that would lead me to divorce or if she wants me to speak up and fight for her. I'm thinking she wants me to want the divorce but who knows at this point.



Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans


A few questions for you.

Is she seemingly confused, or uncertain?

Is she dressing up or acting younger, working out more?

Has she re-written any of your married history?

Is she doing more fun things and forgetting her responsibilities?

OK and a few questions about you:

What are you doing for yourself? Are you keeping active?

Have you let yourself go since being married?

Do you have a decent real life support group? A few friends you can relax with?



As for answers to your questions:

At first she seemed confused or she was depressed. The first week this went on she didn't look at me or talk to me. Since she moved into the guest room she has been more herself and she told me she feels more comfortable because we are like roommates. She has also went to the doctor and started back on anti depressants, which she should have been taking all along but she had stopped (She suffers from panic attacks).

She also has told me she wants to divorce but she wants everything to remain the same. She wants me to continue to live at the house with her and take care of the kids while she works. She said she would pay for everything except things I want to do for entertainment or recreation. I told her that would not happen and she couldn't understand why. I told her people don't divorce and live happily ever after in the same house, but she practically begged me to make this happen.

She has lost a lot of weight since the EA started. She wasn't fat, she was average for a 35 year old women. Now she is really thin. I know she went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and found out she had lost over 20 pounds since last December. She is basically not eating anymore. She has ate dinner with us once since this started. She also has started back at the gym the last couple of weeks. She still dresses the same, but she did go buy new bras and panties at Victoria Secret the week after this all started. Also, by my snooping I discovered she is looking into a tattoo, which is something she has never mentioned getting before.

I don't know how much marital history she has rewritten, but now she says she been unhappy for a very long time. I told her we've been up and down, but she said our marriage has been nothing but down. If it was so bad, I don't understand why we bought a house 2 months ago. You would think that would be something you wouldn't do if you were thinking about leaving.

I don't know if she is doing anything fun. She basically has a life that consists of going to work for about 12-13 hours a day and coming home and going to bed. Now she does spend most of her time at work texting the OM, but she isn't doing anything fun that I am aware of. She could be going places while I think she is at work, but I don't know. Even on the weekends she is not really doing anything. Also, her texts with the OM seem to stop or are reduced on the weekend. They text about 6 times on Saturday and none yesterday. Of course he sent her a text about 8 this morning and they have been texting all day. I wish I knew more about the OM. I know he was married, but I don't know if he is still. His wife or ex is on facebook but she hasn't mentioned him for almost 2 years.

As far as me, I am trying to stay busy. Taking care of these 2 boys takes up the week for me and the W is not here to help. The weekends are much the same. Spending time with the boys. This last weekend I spent a good portion of each day cleaning the house we were renting before we bought because the lease is up at the end of the month. I used to play golf at least once a week but I haven't done that since this all started. I have gotten to the driving range, but don't really have the desire to play right now.

I don't really have any close friends here. We have only lived here for 1 year and we've moved so much that it has been hard for me to meet new people. There are a few guys that I play golf with, but I haven't seen them since this started.

Finally, I have put on maybe 20 pounds since getting married. I don't dress as nice anymore because I am at home all day with the kids instead of going to the office. Most days are shorts and t-shirt for me. It's basically the same thing she wears when she is not at work.

I understand what you mean about family. The couple of people I have told about this basically have told me to dump her and move on. They seem more angry than I am at her. Also, I better not defend her on anything, because they will let me know about it. I think that's why I like posting here. Nobody knows me and everyone seems helpful. I am also going to go to a therapist tomorrow for the first time since this started.


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Eagle11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
A couple of other things.

She has basically got what she told me she wants right now except for the divorce. She has me at home taking care of the kids, house and yard. She has me to talk to if she has a bad day and she has the OM for her emotional needs.

Also, she knows I know about the EA because I found some texts on 8/8. So maybe I don't need to tell her I know that it is still going on. I know it won't make a difference. I have read so much on here that tells me I can't do anything by myself to get her to change her mind. I guess it's just frustrating and I want to tell her how I feel, which I know could be bad if I want to get her back. I guess I just feel like such a loser sitting her letting her do whatever she wants and part of me just wants to say I know what going on.


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Eagle,
I have read your threads here and over on Newcomers. The age of 36 is not too young to have a MLC. We've had a few just a wee bit younger than that pop up over here.

So, you are the stay at home dad. What do you do when your wife returns from work? Do you stay at home or do you go out for the evening? Maybe it's time to start doing a 180 and leaving once she's at home. She needs some time to bond w/the children and what better way to do that than to sit at the dinner table and talk w/them while you are out. Nothing says you have to do this every evening...but you need to start doing some things for yourself. When you go out, just tell her that you are going out for a while. You don't need to tell her where you are going and w/whom. You could very well be taking a walk, going to a coffee shop for a cup of coffee or just sitting on a park bench, but you do need to start going out when she's home. In her mind, she doesn't think you will ever change your routine. Time to change up just a wee bit.

You do realize that the OM is nothing more than a crutch? They are using each other at the moment. He's stroking her ego and telling her what she wants to hear. While he's in the picture, he is a distraction for her. A distraction that keeps her from focusing on her issues and what she needs to do to figure things out for herself.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to snap her out of the crisis. Once it begins, she's got to go through the entire crisis and hopefully come out the other side a whole, mature person. If you attempt to snap them out of it and they come back into the relationship too soon, they will pick up where they off at a later time and it will be far worse than before. We are all fixers and this is one situation we can't fix for them. We didn't break them, therefore, we can't fix them. They have to do this on their own.

I know it's difficult living in the same house, but you'll need to start focusing more on you and your children. You will need to find some hobbies and start doing them, if you haven't already.

Please continue to ask questions, read as much as you can on depression and MLC. The main ingredient is depression. This is a long, long journey for both of you. It is not a sprint, but a marathon. Dig deeper for patience because you will need it as you travel the path.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Quote:

I wish I knew more about the OM.


No. No you don't.

Quote:

I used to play golf at least once a week but I haven't done that since this all started. I have gotten to the driving range, but don't really have the desire to play right now.


I didn't have a desire to eat or do anything, and that is...bad. Go out and do something even if you don't feel like it. Get out. You have to or you will turn into a pathetic mess.


Quote:

There are a few guys that I play golf with, but I haven't seen them since this started.


Reconnect.

Playgrounds are a great way to meet new people as well. You'll have kids in common and who knows maybe you're kids will make new friends too.

Quote:

I guess I just feel like such a loser sitting her letting her do whatever she wants


Feeling like a doormat right?
Read up on the doormat thread in Cadet's post.
You are not a loser.
You are NOT a loser.

What exactly could/can you do besides give up on the marriage?
Nothing you can do will force her, as you are discovering to snap her out of this.

Originally Posted By: job

You will need to find some hobbies and start doing them, if you haven't already.


Yes, this please.

I'll leave you with this thought, remember that friend of yours? The one whose girlfriend broke up with him and how he just moped around all the time and was depressed all the time?
Did you want to be around that guy after awhile?

Project confidence, be confident. Fake it until you make it.
When you look in the mirror, like that guys staring back, envy him.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Eagle, check out Brubeck's thread here in MLC. He has three young boys and is relatively new to this as well.

As cool as having vet's come and talk to you...nothing, absolutely nothing is as helpful as having someone in the same foxhole as you are in.

There are a lot of commonalities for you two.

If you guys hit it off, you will be supporting each other and pulling each other along far better than any of the vets here will.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Eagle11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
Job, thanks for the words.

When she gets home from work I sometimes do take a walk, but the problem is she often doesn't get home until 7:30 - 8:00. By that time there is not much to do. I have thought about just going for a drive or something just to get out of the house and get some freedom and alone time. On the weekends we tend to alternate. Like this Saturday I went to the driving range and then when I got home she went to the gym. After she got home from the gym I went over to the rental house to clean that and was gone for 4 hours. Then we I got home she didn't hang out much and went to bed. This past weekend we didn't really spend anytime together. The previous weekend we actually went to our neighborhood pool as a family and had a normal time.

I do know the OM is just filling a hole in her life I guess right now. I honestly think she might be using him or they are using each other. She might be using him to stroke her ego and make her feel good about herself and he might be using her for sex. I don't think she loves him, I think he just makes her feel important. I could say the same things as he does and it wouldn't matter because I'm like damaged goods to her. At this point I would be shocked if this would turn into a long term relationship, but i was shocked she was in the relationship at all.

I have been reading these forums for a couple of weeks now and I read the DR so I am getting the idea that I can't do anything about it. It honestly doesn't make any sense but I have read enough posts by people who have been through this to believe that letting the affair run its course is the only way. I have actually not really pursued her. All I have asked is that when she feels she gets to know herself better that maybe we could give this another shot. I haven't really brought up the other man. I have acknowledged my issues and she knows I am working on them. We have had one fight about this and it was the first night, after I found out about the OM. We have talked about our issues about once a week. Last week I told her that even though I said I want to try again someday if she is up to it I can't guarantee that I would take her back. I told her it might not work for me.


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Eagle11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
Jack_three_beans, thanks for responding again. I really appreciate the help. I will start looking for some hobbies. I really need something to get my mind off this. I told my wife when this all went down that she had it easier because she goes to work all day and has something to take her mind off this, but I am home with the kids. The kids of course remind me of her and what is going on. I unfortunately have spent a few afternoons lately pacing around the house and talking to myself. Basically, trying to come up with what I would say to her with what ever situation comes up. Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

One thing I did do was talk my son to joining the cub scouts. He is in 1st grade so I do everything with him. I got him to sign up not only for him but for me as well. I thought I could do something new with my son and meet some parents as well. This is a little out of my comfort zone because I grew up a city boy and never was into the outdoors too much. I also maybe did it a little to show my W that I am willing to branch out and do things she wouldn't normally expect. Tonight was our first meeting and he seemed to enjoy it.

Tonight when we got home my son was talking to her and I was sitting on the couch staring at her. She didn't look the same. I can't explain it but the woman sitting there was totally different than the woman that was there a month ago. Her body is different, but just the way she carries herself is different. This probably doesn't make sense, but she just had an edge about her that I didn't like. Then she started to talk about a show she was watching and it seemed like she almost wanted to talk to me like she used to but she couldn't do it anymore. Her voice was flat with no emotion. This probably doesn't make sense, but it was sad to me.


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard