Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[Cld]

CT118,

Your wife's parent separated for 3 years and got back together.
I think that's important, she might do the same with you.
I surely hope she comes back.
How old is she?
Hugs

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - Glad to hear your son is OK. That was a big scare.

You might not want to rely on text. In case of an emergency like that, just call. I know that for me S22 will often ignore texts for days but he always picks up and talks to me when I call. But then again perhaps I'm more "old fashioned" than you young kids

[job]

I'm glad to hear that your son is okay and you got him in to see a physician. The poor little guy. I can just imagine how awful he felt. I can understand why he didn't want to see a doctor after what he was told about a shot.

Now, about your wife, do not rely on text messages. Pick up the phone and call her. Hopefully she'll pick up the phone when it rings or vibrates.

As for your wife, just leave her be as much as possible. She may act out very similar to what she was exposed to as a child/young adult, but there is no guarantee that she'll end up doing what her parents did...the outcome is hers to figure out, just as the time frame is, i.e., it could be longer or it could be shorter. There's no way to tell. In other words, there's no guarantee when she'll return or if one or both of you both opt to go your separate ways and share joint custody.

I would like to add to what Cadet posted to you on how the MLCer detaches from others. The usual order of detachment occurs as follows: the LBS, children, pets, friends and family. When they begin to wake up, they reconnect in the opposite order. The LBS is the last one. Also, they do a lot touch and goes along the way, so don't be fooled by them into thinking that they are in the final stages of their crisis. The touch and goes are to see if you are still out there waiting for them and wanting a reaction from you. Continue as you have been when these occur.

Continue to move forward and I hope the little one is feeling much better today.

[CT1118]

Thanks everyone.

Cld - she is 40, but will be 41 in three weeks. Of course she hates this and in the beginning of the S, when I cared about such things, believe she mentioned lying about her age to her OM who is 9 years younger. I am 6 mo. older than her.

I hear the voice on the phone call. I did not call b/c I did not wish to empower her as to feeling that I could not handle it on my own. He gave no signs of an allergic reaction so it was not quite an emergency. When she finally did reach me, her self-assessment of telling him such things was far worse than what I would have said to her. And, the texts are a way to leave her be IMO. And yes, she very much experienced things like this as a child.

Time frame - what is time frame? I am joking of course.

So, would like an opinion on this. It sounded logical. I proposed to my IC this morning my question of how to communicate w/ MLC that I feel s4 being around OM is detrimental. Said I knew it would not hurt him today, but potential to cause his future self in his own R's the inability to function. She told me what you all did and what I knew - there is no way to make her understand the damage she can/is causing.

But, the IC did suggest saying this: "I know we are separated and I am not judging your actions. I would like for you to know that our son has told me you had a friend come by for a sleepover twice this week and he was very confused by this. I am offering that if you ever feel compelled to have this person over while it is your night to watch our son, you can call me and if I am able to, I will come by and pick him up for the night."

And leave it at that. I am already quite used to saying such matter of fact messages to people (personnel manager for over 11 years), including W.So, I have no worries about being distracted by potential anger or argument and fully able to resolve in the face of disruption by stating "I have made an offer, it will remain available.I am going to go now."

What do you all think of the IC's suggestion?

[job]

You can try it, but you have to think about this...how is she going to react to your suggestion? Will she take it out on your son for telling you about the OM coming by?

How about saying something like this "wife, I want you to know that I am more then happy to pick up son and have him spend the night if you should have plans when he's w/you. Sometimes the little man gets confused when you have guests and doesn't understand what is going on."

Of course, you can change this any way you like. But, my concern is will she take it out on him for telling you about the om staying over.

[CT1118]

I do not have any reason to believe or historical evidence to believe that she would take it out on him. Her anger, rather, her shortness of temper with him has improved since our S (as has mine for that matter).

That said, I find what you offer job to me more human-like and less academic.

Thank you

[job]

CT,

You have to find a way to phrase your sentences so that it doesn't look like you are chastising her for her behavior. What the IC suggested would have been fine had she been rational, but she's operating on emotions right now, so you have to temper your comments to make it sound like you are offering up a suggestion and allowing her to make good decision.

I know, it's crazy, but that's the way their minds work while in crisis.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree with Job, in fact this is what I did, I said I would rather have the boys on nights you have plans with OM.
Something to that effect.
Of course some diplomacy might be required in how you state this. I sort of like how Job stated it, but you know your wife better...even in this MLC situation than anyone.

[ericmsant2]

CT1118

I proposed to my IC this morning my question of how to communicate w/ MLC that I feel s4 being around OM is detrimental.

As you have pointed out, you have already mentioned this to her. Why do it again.

Said I knew it would not hurt him today, but potential to cause his future self in his own R's the inability to function.

How do you know that his future would be negatively impacted by this? IMO, you don’t. He just may end up getting along with OM. Believe it or not – YOUR ability to be a wonderful dad has NOTHING to do with OM.

But, the IC did suggest saying this: "I know we are separated and I am not judging your actions. I would like for you to know that our son has told me you had a friend come by for a sleepover twice this week and he was very confused by this. I am offering that if you ever feel compelled to have this person over while it is your night to watch our son, you can call me and if I am able to, I will come by and pick him up for the night."

I would not bother saying anything. That said, if your son wants to come over to YOUR house when OM is around I would just have him confirm that is would be okay with his mom.

CT, I may be wrong here…but having been in your position before, I feel like you may be trying to keep the kids out of this, which I get. I also know that chance are YOU will not be able to do that. She is going to do what she wants to do.

[CT1118]

Thank you all for the feedback - 2 for, 1 against. If it helps, this was not something I had planned to call up and say. I would wait for her to make contact and then drop it in the middle of conversation. I do also realize that my chances of success here are slim.

eric - correct, I do not empirically know this. I am basing this of statistical or clinical data I have read on the matter - there is a better way to introduce a child to the OM/OW and a not so better way, having a partner over for the night does not fall under the right way. He is 4 so I can try to offer that to him, but unlikely he could speak for himself in such a way.

I have been in this position before, but not w/ OM coming to house. This all just began last Wed night and happened again over the weekend.

Again, it may be different had she not told me what a "loser" she thought this guy was, her words not mine.

I will consider what has been offered, but I also realize, there does not seem to ever be a right or wrong answer to such things.