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How are you doin Q ??

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Hey I’ve been pretty silent lately because I’ve been trying to stay off the internet divorce forums as much as possible, and also cut down on stuff like listening to divorce podcasts and such. It’s a waste of time at this point for me, I’ve done so much research on the subject of ‘early stages of divorce’ I feel like I could write my own book. How many times can you read ‘it gets better, just give it time’ and ‘work on yourself’?

That being said, I do have some updates on my efforts to work on myself, which I’ll post later. I’ve been keeping busy and trying to live a healthy lifestyle.

One thing I did recently was I wrote up a ‘during and post-divorce to do list’. Things I want to do in my life before I get involved in any new serious relationships:

- Kick @ss at my job, really give it my all. Try to get a promotion or raise soon.
- Grow my side business - a mobile app development studio - to the point where it’s bringing in some sizable cash flow.
- Really get in touch with myself, through therapy/meditation/journaling, whatever it takes. Really understand what it is inside of me that contributed to the demise of my first marriage. Let go of whatever was beyond my control or her fault in our divorce situation, and work to improve myself so this situation does not happen again.
- Make sure that the kids are alright through all of this, spend as much quality time with them as I can, and attend all of their school activities.
- Get my finances together post divorce. Pay off my huge legal fees and establish a savings cushion.
- Buy a new house.
- Get a dog.
- Play guitar every day, write songs, record my second album.
- Once the doctor says its alright - start exercising again, watch my diet, and get back in shape.
- Go to at least one social function a week. Make new friends, establish new social networks.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

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qt4x11,

I like your to-do list!

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qt4x11,

I like your to do list as well.

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You list is a very well thought out one. The only changes I would make is to move the last two activities to the top. There is no reason that these two can't be worked on while you are working on the others. Making new friends and establishing new social networks. The more new friends you meeting, the more activities you may become involved in and enjoy w/the new found friends.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yeah I have been trying to branch out more, and I’ve been trying to fight my natural tendency to forgo social situations and withdrawing into my hobbies and personal development activities. I’d really like to develop a network of friends that support me and that I can go out and have fun with. It’s been slow going, my wife took most of my couple friends and a lot of the friendships I had pre marriage have sort of withered away. I met some new people, mostly through meet up groups, 12 step meetings, and friends. Some of whom I talk to on the phone, there’s one guy I think is pretty cool - he’s an older guy who just got divorced, we’ve been talking on the phone about our evil ex wives. We’re going to go out for a drink this weekend and attend a meet up group together. There’s another guy who I met through my friend J, who’s pretty crazy and/or weird, but would be a fun guy to have along with me and J at the bars. One thing I’d like to start doing - I spend a lot of my time in ’12 step’ or ‘divorce support’ related meet ups and social situations. I’d like to start doing just ‘fun and social’ related meet ups.

I went over to my friend J’s house to watch the UFC a couple of weeks ago - he’s a great guy, he seems to be dating a good woman now and I’m happy for him. It was good to catch up with J. I took the kids with me to my friends birthday party at the Arlington Park, they got to see the horses and I lost $100 betting on the horse races, that was fun although I am still having difficulty adjusting to the ‘recently divorced guy with kids’ identity around my friends and family. I went to an Entrepreneur meet up group, that was pretty interesting. Last weekend was my birthday. My family really went all out and they threw me two parties - cousins and family friends came, people drove in from four hours away to attend these parties. I feel grateful to have a family that cares, I guess, but I feel sort of ashamed and embarrassed. I still feel a sense of failure, this is my first birthday without my wife in more than ten years. I think everyone just feels sorry for me.

In general I’m feeling more calm these days. In the past week I’ve been able to attend to some challenging divorce related situations, and I noticed that they did not affect me as strongly as they would have in the past. I think a lot of my more resilient mental state has to do with my realization of a couple things:

I have been through a really traumatic experience. My most trusted person suddenly turned on me and branded me as the villain of her life. I’ve lost my wife, my kids half of the time, a good chunk of my income now goes to child support and maintenance, I’ve lost my house, I’ve lost my dog. I have been living out of a suitcase for almost 4 months. I’ve lost my identity. I’ve had health issues, I’ve had to undergo emergency surgery in which I almost died. I had to take a month off from work on temporary disability. I’ve had the police called on me. I’ve spend tens of thousands on lawyers. I’ve lost friends and family members. I’m damaged, at this point I have to turn my attention from my wife onto myself. I have to focus on healing myself right now and surviving this situation, if anything for my kids sake. I can’t worry about my wife at this point, and I don’t expect to somehow change her mind.

The thing that helped me the most regain clarity is to stop thinking about my wife and stop obsessing over the divorce. Stop the excruciating overthinking process in which I rehash the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ of my marital problems over and over. In the first couple of months, these thoughts flooded my mind 24/7. It’s unhealthy, this type of thinking, it reinforces negativity, it may lead to depression, and it destroys your self esteem. I have to push these thoughts out of my mind as much as possible. I find the best way for me is meditation, and keeping as busy as possible. I have really come to value activities that are healthy and take my mind off my divorce situation - immersing myself in my work, working on my side business in my free time, putting myself in social situations, exercising, etc.

My wife really pissed me off last weekend. I did her a favor by dropping off my son so he could make his doctor appointment, I offered to drive him to our house. She called up and said she is taking her mom to a restaurant for lunch and we could just meet there as it was halfway. I show up at the restaurant and she is there with all her girlfriends, who I’d imagine have been talking smack about me and despise me at this point. Another embarrassing and depressing situation. I sort of felt down about that the rest of the day.

We’re supposed to split our bank accounts, nothing has happened so far on that afaik. She is also supposed to move out of the house, I’m supposed to move back in. I’m supposed to live at our condo and fix it up so we can sell it and split the equity in the house. She still has not moved out. The kids are supposed to switch schools, they’ll be moving to a different part of town. The whole situation is heartbreaking to me, it would be real concrete steps towards the splitting up of our family. I’m dreading it and I’m trying not to think about it.

My thoughts have really shifted from - how do I get my wife to change her mind, to boy it’s going to be hard to adjust to my new financial situation. How are the kids holding up in all of this? It’s going to be so awkward - only having them half of the time, and having this other person, who I only communicate with in a business like manner, raise my children and make decisions about their lives. God this situation will also last for the rest of our lives. So awkward and depressing.

I talked to my daughter and she says she is fine and kissed me. Bless her little heart, I’m not just worried about her for now I’m worried about her for the rest of her life and how this will affect her.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

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Qt4x11,

Amazing how many things we have in common, it's basically the same situation, the age of our children, your wife called the cops on you, I also have a mobile app business, and a lot more.
This is how I look at it. To me nothing has changed. I still go to work, see the kids and try to grow the business.
I act as if my wife went on a vacation abroad for a few years and I am alone with the kids. I just keep telling them that I love mommy to calm them down, not to win her back, and that she might come back in a few years. Absolutely nothing is set in stones, the divorce is just a piece of paper. She decided to get divorced suddenly one day and she might decide to come back to her senses someday suddenly as well. I don't think it would be good if she wanted to move back with me because I enjoy my space too much right now. As long as she doesn't find another man there is still a lot of hope and if I show her that I am a rock and that I am committed to the family no matter what, she might come back to her senses even faster. Only time will tell, right now I am doing good.
Hugs,
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I understand it's hard, but it seems like some of the conflict and anger towards your W is self-inflicted.

For example, you said
"My wife really pissed me off last weekend. I did her a favor by dropping off my son so he could make his doctor appointment, I offered to drive him to our house. She called up and said she is taking her mom to a restaurant for lunch and we could just meet there as it was halfway. I show up at the restaurant and she is there with all her girlfriends, who I’d imagine have been talking smack about me and despise me at this point. Another embarrassing and depressing situation. I sort of felt down about that the rest of the day."

I don't see where SHE specifically pissed you off. And alot of what you THOUGHT they talked about was "imagined" by you. In any event, I'm sure your family and friends (to a certain degree) talk badly about the XW as well. Let it go.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
Absolutely nothing is set in stones, the divorce is just a piece of paper.


Quote:
that she might come back in a few years.


Quote:
As long as she doesn't find another man there is still a lot of hope and if I show her that I am a rock and that I am committed to the family no matter what, she might come back to her senses even faster



Is this a healthy attitude? You have been going through a tough situation even longer than me and your wife has treated you just as badly. I would ask you to consider really letting her go, and none of this talk about 'she might come back as long as there is another man'. What about you? You deserve to be happy, and keeping this hope alive of her changing her mind even after the divorce is finalized ... that is not helping you to move forward.

And what if three years from now she finds another man? What will you do then? You will have wasted three years secretly hoping that she would change her mind. Let her go emotionally, accept that the divorce is happening and she is not changing her mind.

If she does change her mind it will come as a surprise, and you will deal with it then. But move forward and get healthy for you, and for your kids.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

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qt4x11,

I understand what you are saying and I agree with you. If it was only me I would have found a new girlfriend right after she filed for divorce, but we have two children and my boy is 3 so it means that I will have to deal with his mother for 15 more years.
In those 15 years she could destroy me financially, drag me to court for every little thing and even send me to jail. Unfortunately this is the reality we live in, judges believe women even when they lie.
I need to keep below profile, fully aware that I need to act in the best interest of the children no matter what. Every time I make a decision I ask myself, is this in the best interest of the children? If I were a child, would I want my dad to do this?
I am not saying that you have to act this way as well. This is just the way I was raised, I need to sacrifice my needs for the benefit of my children. Right now the mother of my children is just a scary monster that I don't want to be around, but who knows, maybe 5 years from now she will become the most positive, smiling, friendly, loving person that I know. We will see.

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