I guess I'm worried if I do the wrong thing right now, it might drive her away for good.
Well have you ever grabbed a wet bar of soap?
The tighter you squeeze the harder it is to hold.
Also if you let something go and it comes back to you then you know it is yours. If it flys away then you know that it was never yours to begin with.
Cadet, thanks for the advice. I actually think I have been doing good the last couple of weeks. I haven't tried to pressure her and I haven't pursued her. The only thing I've told her is I hope she gets her problems figured out (she is going to therapy) and that I need to work on myself. Then if this happens, I wanted to see if we could give it another shot. We've had this conversation maybe 3 times in the last month, but other than that I have kept my distance (even though we still live in the same house). We are basically living as roommates and don't talk about much except the kids.
I guess I am still just trying to figure out if I should tell her all that I know and if I do how should I tell her? That's my problem right now. I know that if I keep my mouth shut the EA/PA will just continue and that will be worse. I also know that it will drive me crazy knowing this "secret" and not doing anything about it.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's the absolute worst. Can I suggest something, as a person who's made this mistake, now you've seen the phone records- take copies or whatever to use as evidence. But then don't look again, believe me if only causes more pain the more you snoop. You've confirmed now what she is up to- and it hurts like hell. But look after yourself and your sanity and don't look anymore.
I'm in the same situation as you, he's speeding all guns blazing to get a d, maybe they do this to ease some of the guilt. Idk. But the best thing that you can do is to take care of yourself. Like cadet says, the more we seem to hold on, the more they rebel against her. And anger, well that only gives them a reason to justify their feelings- don't give her that satisfaction
Cherry, I understand what your saying about the snooping. I have already found myself checking our phone records this morning to see if she has texted him today and of course she has. I originally had the phone records for the first 10 or 11 days of their EA, but then I thought she changed the password because I couldn't access them anymore. Last night for some reason I tried again and the password worked. I don't know if I was somehow typing in the wrong password or if she changed it back but now I can see their phone records for the the last month, which is the length of this EA/PA. When the records were loading last night, my whole body went numb and I almost didn't look at them because I was afraid of what I would see. I had in my heart hoped maybe things had ended because her attitude towards me had been so much better lately. I guess maybe she has just gotten more comfortable in what she is doing and she has gotten better at lying.
I need to talk to her about this but I don't know how. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and maybe she can give me some advice. I know my W will not listen to what I say. I know it will probably take some outside influence or something to get her to stop, but it's so hard when I can't do anything.
I honestly don't think she wants to marry this guy or she is in love with him. I think she is just having fun and he makes her excited (she told me this when I originally found out). But I just wish she could see what damage this will do to her life, my life and especially our kids. I think she wants the quick D because of guilt and I don't think she has really thought about the consequences this will have moving forward.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
The other question I have been wondering about is if she did change the password to our phone records and then changed it back in hopes that I would look. Like maybe she wanted me to find that she had still been texting the OM and she hoped that this would set me off and I would go for a divorce. I may be overthinking things I guess, but I feel like I'm being manipulated by her already.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I guess I am still just trying to figure out if I should tell her all that I know and if I do how should I tell her? That's my problem right now. I know that if I keep my mouth shut the EA/PA will just continue and that will be worse. I also know that it will drive me crazy knowing this "secret" and not doing anything about it.
Eagle11,
I understand what you're saying, and I'm not a vet or a DB expert, so don't act on anything I say without getting the opinion of others. After going through this process first-hand, there's no way I'd keep my knowledge of my WW's affair a secret. I'd confront her with the facts and cut her loose (i.e. boot her out the door). And, I would never tolerate that kind of behavior again.
You have every right to see the phone records and she's the one having the affair. You're not the one to be worried or afraid. The onus is on her and her boyfriend; I wouldn't hesitate to put the fear into them and anyone in their wake. But, that's the current doodler. Maybe the more docile crowd would have a different and better approach. However, being a doormat really pisses me off and the fact that I allowed myself to be a doormat makes me want to puke. Never again!
Again, I could be very wrong in my approach, and maybe I'm a bubble off center, but I'm not going to tolerate infidelity just because my wife is going through a rough patch.
Unfortunately, it needs to all come from then to want to stop it. Like you say, it's probably not even necessarily about the ap- it's about how they make them feel about themselves. If you manage to get rid of om, she'd either hold more resentment towards you for "controlling" her. And there would most likely be another person there to take his place.
It is a hard thing, because I don't really think it makes a blind bit of difference wether we let them know or not. Even if we see evidence, they get so skilled at lying- they will still argue that it's not an affair.
I don't think they do think about the consequences at all. The "we can still live together" was the same BS my wh came out with, I told him that it was impossible we could live like that. He then started to look for places to live. It really hurts that they have no consideration for the effects it will have on us or our children. This is why we have to try our very best to keep moving ahead, so we can protect our children the best that we can. They need a loving parent who is consistent and who can keep it together and protect them, and we are the only ones who can do this. It hurts like hell, I know. I'm 3 months pregnant with a toddler, and my wh thinks it will not bother the children at all. Delusional and hurtful.
Keep looking after you. Hopefully some of the vets will swing by your thread and offer you some more support and advise. I'm rooting for you.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
That being said. I have never managed to hold my tongue regarding letting him know that I know he's cheating it. He denies it of course. But it's never anything I've managed to keep to myself. I'm not sure if this is good db-ing or right or wrong. Like I say, hopefully some more people will swing by and be able to guide you.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Eagle, I feel that your W's unresolved issues from her past could play a big part in her current actions. Even if she has an excellent therapist, it could take a while before she comes to terms with the things that happened to her.
If I thought she was the typical (if there is such) WW, I would be all over this, telling you how to deal with her. I honestly don't know what to advise in this case (except to protect the children). I believe there is much more than waywardness going on with your W.
I encourage you to call and talk to a DB Coach about your situation.
In the meantime, you may want to consider moving your story to the Midlife Crisis section in the forum. This may not be the same thing, but I feel the approach you take would be similar to the spouse that has a MLC W.
I'm not trying to run you away from Newcomers, but you might receive confusing advice for your particular stitch. That's just my personal opinion.
I am so sorry for you, your W, and the children.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
doodler and Cherry, thanks for the advice. I know I need to confront her about this. If I don't I think I will go crazy. I actually think I need to wait until I cool off though because right now I don't know what I would say. I printed off her contacts from her phone and I was seriously considering texting her friends, family and the OM to let them know what I know, but I don't know if that would be a good thing. It would certainly be out of character for me though. As I think I mentioned earlier I am not one for conflict and I would be described as passive. I know that is not good in this situation and I need to get tougher.
I am definitely going to wait until at least tomorrow night because I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. This is my first time with this therapist so I have no idea if they will be helpful or not. I guess just getting to talk about all this with another person will be a good thing. I need all the advice I can get at this point.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
I never thought of my W as having a MLC because she is only 35 (will be 36 tomorrow). I will have to do some research on this today. I honestly do not know anything about it, but I am going to try to learn something and see if she fits into that category.
It's strange, but she doesn't seem to have the WW tendencies that you describe. She was only really angry or really detached from me for about 1 - 1 1/2 weeks. Now she acting somewhat normal towards me except for intimacy. We live like roommates, but roommates that get along. I have actually been the more distant one I would say in the last few weeks while she has been the more engaging. It's all really confusing me. At no time do I get the feeling that she wants to try to work things out but I also do not get the feeling she is in a hurry (despite what she has said) about ending things. I think she is lonely when she is home and I am not. I had to go away for 4 hours on Saturday and 3 hours on Sunday and she genuinely seemed happy that I was home. Anyway, I will look into MLC and see if she may fit more into that category.
Also, I know you asked last week about her relationship with our kids. This weekend our S6 had to go to ER for bronchitis and she took him and became Supermom. That got me to thinking how she is always there for our kids if they are sick or for big moments but it's the day to day stuff that she doesn't really want to have anything to do with. The simple stuff like getting them ready for school, making them dinner,etc she doesn't seem like she has the time for. She is fully engaged when they really need her, but other times she seems like she would rather be somewhere else. Thanks for your help
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
