Waw, she is in love, need advice/support II

[SH_]

As time goes by I go through this up and down phases, sometimes I am sad, maybe even depressed, sometimes I am full of optimism toward future.

More and more I think it will be better for both of us when we separate, child will adapt. Am I going the wrong way or is it normal to lose sight of saving marriage?

The emotional roller coaster is normal. What efforts you put forth to slow it down and or get off are up to you.
Some choose to try and ride it out. It can be a long ride.

Some choose to emotionally detach via stronger feelings of anger, spite, despair, bitterness, etc. The scars for this approach are deep and somethimes the emotional wounds do not heal and lead to damaging behaviors down the road.

Some choose to heal appropriately through actions that encourage personal growth and betterment. This can be done by seeing professional counsellors, doctors, support groups, as well as seeking out different approaches and information like meditation and spiritual learning.

What approach are you taking?

Your question about separating, and hoping the child will adapt and just giving up on the MR, I don't think all should go together.

Separation at this point may do you and her some good. It is not a bad thing if you are fully aware of what it entails. There are many MR that were saved due to a separation. And the ones that did not, if the appropriate steps are taken, then you at least can be in a good place for your future.

I ask that you do not take the passive approach to your child simply adapting. They are in a developmental state for emotions and the appropriate guidance and professional assistance can help tremendously. Please take an active approach and be the best father possible to assist the child in adapting.

Is it normal to lose sight of saving the marriages?
My question here, is do you believe and stand for marriage?
If you do, then don't lose sight of saving the marriage. But understand your sight can only focus on you and your part of this or any other marriage in your future. Don't lose sight of that.
All MR require 2 people to work in order for it to thrive. So your current marriage may not survive, but do yourself a favor and be sure you can tell your future self that if it does not survive, that you at least did everything possible to be the person only a fool would leave. Then you will be prepared for any future relationships that may be in store for you.

I hope for the best for you, and pray that you can find a more smooth ride on that coaster ride.

[Bear007]

Some choose to emotionally detach via stronger feelings of anger, spite, despair, bitterness, etc. The scars for this approach are deep and somethimes the emotional wounds do not heal and lead to damaging behaviors down the road.

Some choose to heal appropriately through actions that encourage personal growth and betterment. This can be done by seeing professional counsellors, doctors, support groups, as well as seeking out different approaches and information like meditation and spiritual learning.

What approach are you taking?

bit of both I guess, more second approach than the first one but bitterness is hard in me. trying to ride it out and be a better person is not always easy, but it is my chosen path.

Is it normal to lose sight of saving the marriages?
My question here, is do you believe and stand for marriage?

For marriage yes. For WAW... well I had lots of retrospective and I see that I have made lots of compromises in last 11 years. Also a close friend reminded me that I wanted to break up just before pregnancy/marriage.
So marriage yes.
Compromise, yes.
But after I am growing a new set of balls I am not going to have this taken away lightly.

[Bear007]

Summer holidays approaching and preparing myself mentally for this 'I am with you, but ready to leave soon' approach.

Talked to some close friends that confined to me that STBX wife talked to them about how happy she is, and that she is leaving me, and that I will buy her place to live, and that I am so stupid and basically can't do anything in life except earn lots of money. Friend was so bedazzled, but still did not talk to me until recently because she thought that it must be all over by now.

[Bear007]

Worst holidays ever.

In spite of all she said of not coming with me and daughter, she decided it is ok to tag along and I did not object due to 180 rules.
So she was constantly sabotaging everything, if I wanted to go with child somewhere she said no. And child sometimes went with me, but often decided to stay in.

Good part was one week I was without stbxw with my parents in my mother's birth village, quiet, peaceful and yet full of activities, just like it is supposed to be.
Also, living again one week with my parents opened my eyes to some of the patterns they have in their marriage, but also some behaviors that I also have, and that could be harmful.

So yeah, self development never ends.

[Bear007]

Was sucked in in a fight/discussion yesterday, started innocent enough and went on that she is trying to find a job.
Replied that she is only trying to get a job to leave me, and that she did not have decency to find job for 10y we were married, she started really looking for employment when she dropped the bomb.
Than it all started: she got pregnant, I ruined her life, she had 2 freelancing jobs (for 1-2 weeks) in this 10y period, it is not her fault that she did not get more freelancing work. after that totally unrelated - things she will never forget and forgive that I did, that I don't want to buy her apartment for her to live in and bla bla.. all the things she said for a million times that I did, will not do, history...

One more reason she is not getting a job (deduction, talked to one friend that works as HR manager) - she is looking for a expert salary with no real work experience, and she has attitude that she deserves job because of education and not because of experience and wanting to work hard. Friend said that she would always hire a person that is experienced in work field than someone who just talks and then shows in tests that does not have real world experience.


Also I got this today:
you are not working on our relationship, that is why I am leaving.

wtf?

[Bear007]

I have definitely lost sight of what is important and what I should be doing and what I must do.

Also realized that I am pissed most of the time (I was calmer before). One of the things I am pissed of is that I am the one who invested most in this relationship, and if there should be someone who should be quitting, that should be me.

GAL part is getting weaker, did not visit gym in 2 weeks

[Bear007]

Last Monday she asked if she can sleep in master bedroom on her side of bed, due to having tons of unfolded laundry on couch.
I agreed, and now it has been a week, clean laundry is still there (and she is still sleeping in master bedroom).
She continues to sleep on her side of bed, avoiding contact.

Also she had a depression attack where she expressed suicidal thoughts. She has had episodes like this before, and for the current one I presume that problem is that her fictional other male has found a girlfriend and is sharing pictures on social networks.

I am not touched too much with this show she is performing.

[sandi2]

Last Monday she asked if she can sleep in master bedroom on her side of bed, due to having tons of unfolded laundry on couch.
I agreed, and now it has been a week, clean laundry is still there (and she is still sleeping in master bedroom).
She continues to sleep on her side of bed, avoiding contact.

[Bear007]

Congratulations on 15000th post!
[img]https://s13.postimg.org/40gf975iv/Capture2.jpg[/img]

GAL part finally in uprising, going to classical music concert tomorrow, and next weekend I will be away for 2 days with colleagues from work, in some sort of team building/fun outside work...

[Bear007]

A good week with GAL activities and really getting a life did not went unnoticed, so I got accused that I think only of myself and that I am selfish.

She is so determined to leave, so unhappy that she does not have the means/abbility/courage to do so, and eventually she is obsessed with me, why I am happy and enjoying life without her?

I have changed. Maybe I have detached too much, but I simply don't care anymore to her tantrums and try not to get involved in never-changing arguments.
Two thing get me:
1. when she does this in front of daughter - don't insult me or my daughter because you are insecure!
2. when she makes up blatant lies about what I said, what I intend to do, and when I deny it she arguments: 'I know what I heard, are you trying to make me mental?'

Definitely have to work on how to handle those two responses well.