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I wanted to write about boundaries
A good friend of mine wrote these and I know he wouldn’t mind if I reposted them.

Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.

List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do,because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....

Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" in any way...

Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.

Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.

"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.

Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.

Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.

Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.

Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.

Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.

Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.

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As you travel through all this, you will come to realize that you are grieving. Grieving the loss of your marriage, your spouse, the life you thought you were going to have.
Even if you reconcile, it will be a different marriage. They will be different, and so will you.
So, it is important to feel each stage of grief in order to move towards acceptance.
You don’t want to get stuck in any stage. And I feel, in particular, the anger stage.
Don’t get me wrong, it is healthy to feel angry. And you should use the anger to propel you forward. Use it to make changes, to figure stuff out.
It is when you remain angry that it becomes unhealthy.
Because holding onto it weighs you down. It becomes a shield and takes away your ability to see the rest of your journey.
After some time, I realized that anger wouldn’t change the situation. But, it would change me. And I was not willing to sacrifice myself.
I had to decide to change my mindset. I had to realize that the anger wasn’t going to allow me to move to acceptance.
know there are those who struggle with their anger towards the OP. I so get that. But here’s the thing. When you release your anger against them, it is the first step towards controlling your own life.. I get to choose how I am going to live it.
The goal should be that anger is not the driving force any longer. It served its purpose, it helped you cope, moved you forward. But it should not be a permanent part of your life.
The hope is that when you release the anger, you are on the path of forgiveness
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.

Forgiveness is for you.

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I was thinking today about acceptance and how that can help aid you in healing.

When we resist or hang onto what is happening, it forces us to act in a way that doesn’t serve us or the situation well. And so, we begin to live in fear. When there is fear, there becomes an inability to do or see what needs to be done.

I know all about fear. I lived in it most of my life. I allowed it to dictate my actions and my feelings. But, whenever I have faced the fear, and accepted what is, it lost its power. And all the things I thought was going to happen , never did.

I thought I would never get through this. I thought I would hurt like that forever.. I thought I would never trust again. I have, I do. They thoughts all turned out to be wrong.

I have learned to trust me again. I have seen my strength. I have looked fear in the eye and beat it down. Mostly. LOL!

I still struggle with it. That is the truth. But, I am not going to give into it. Too high a price to pay.

The sooner you accept that this is how it is for right now, the sooner you can start to do what needs doing.

The truth is, that you will all survive this no matter which way it goes. You will be ok. And if you do the work, you will laugh again, love again, trust again hopefully with your spouse.

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I used to write to someone and say I cant wait until they get to the good part. To which they would say, Um, UR? Are you crazy? LOL!

Dont get me wrong, I wish I didnt have to go through all this. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. But I dont think that the lessons I've learned, the changes I've made, would have been possible without this journey.

The most important thing to remember is that you will be ok. Carry that with you. When things get tough, pull it out. When you want to quit, pull it out.

And you will be, you know.

This MLC monster, is only as powerful as we allow it to be. I used to try to envision it as this big red ball that I carried around.

After awhile, it got heavy. It wasnt even my ball. It was his.
So, why the heck was I carrying it? I threw it back to him.

I needed to pick up my own ball. And I chose a pretty lavender one with flowers on it. I filled it with all the things I wanted to do, all the changes I wanted to make. It was a bit heavy, too, because it was also filled with all the stuff I needed to sort through.

But each time I did, it became lighter. Every day that I got through, it became lighter. So that all that was left was all the good stuff.

Dont make that big red ball any heavier than it already is. Throw it back to him. Let him carry it.

You pick yours up.

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Although it is hard to see through all the heartache this causes, try to find compassion for your spouses. They clearly are not the people they once were. They are in pain, too. Unbearable pain, at times.

Imagine for a moment, feeling as if your life is out of control. You are deeply unhappy. You dont know why. You just know that you want the hurting to stop.

You try everything you can, and it is still there. You become someone opposite of who you are. It is still there. You lash out at your spouse, alienate your children, act out, regress. And still the deep sadness continues.

They feel as if they are swimming in a lake of mud. Trying to get out, flailing about, unable to reach the shore.

I know their actions are devastating. I do. I know there are times when you are so angry with them, so disappointed, so deeply pained.

I absolutely understand if you cannot take it any longer.

Until then, remember their pain, too. Allow them what they need. Space, time, no pressure. Let them walk their journey on their own. It is the only way they can get to the other side.

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hey ur-

just sayin hi and hope you're getting a bit of holiday spirit. for some reason i have some- maybe hanging around with a four year old and a 1.5 baby- il et them put up a small tree all byselves- they regularly decimate it- drop all the balls, wack around- it's all plastic - wwhat the heck.

keeps nme laughing and makes me remember to not even try and get anything accomplished when they are around. soooo- i try and make it make me stop & relax. typical american that i am- no time to do everything in the universe right and have everythign, etc.

we're nuts i think- that being said- SO WHAT IF- i can apply what i know about dealing with small children - to this mlc state we're all in??? just sit back- donot even contemplate making any headway or expect anything fancy - don't fool self into thinking anything i do matters - really - except existing and being who & what i am. just trying to view IT ALL as babysitting- like this. keep them from killing themselves or each other- and try and ride along maintaining my inner wa.

well- mlc -more like a roller coaster SCARY RIDE - but a ride nevertheless. capture the magic of being totally out of control and incarcerated (well, til i choose jailbreak over prison)

nice huh?// life peaceful at the moment- in my suspicious little land- been very nice to be in fl and way from my stupid nj family- my fl family is preferrable. it's allll sooooo nuts - life.

just wanted to say hi anyway- you're so nice to always have good advice, caring, etc. to dole out to a million poor souls like me that need it- so like, do you feel wings growing on your back yet??? thanks alot- hope you and your son are well and your holidays are good. i'm probably heading back up there someday - maybe next week? i don't even have or know plan yet- just know i'm okay rite this minute and nothing bad is happening. my new matra- working so far.

working on letting go of suspicion (ha - yeah rite) okay anyway- even a little spirit- yay... onward & upward.

xoo

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Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Although it is hard to see through all the heartache this causes, try to find compassion for your spouses. They clearly are not the people they once were. They are in pain, too. Unbearable pain, at times.

Imagine for a moment, feeling as if your life is out of control. You are deeply unhappy. You dont know why. You just know that you want the hurting to stop.

You try everything you can, and it is still there. You become someone opposite of who you are. It is still there. You lash out at your spouse, alienate your children, act out, regress. And still the deep sadness continues.

They feel as if they are swimming in a lake of mud. Trying to get out, flailing about, unable to reach the shore.

I know their actions are devastating. I do. I know there are times when you are so angry with them, so disappointed, so deeply pained.

I absolutely understand if you cannot take it any longer.

Until then, remember their pain, too. Allow them what they need. Space, time, no pressure. Let them walk their journey on their own. It is the only way they can get to the other side.


I am trying to do my best at this, reading and really putting your words into action. It is so hard to fight my own need to chuck it all and not walk along side his depression anymore.

It's going on 36 hours since I left H sitting alone, and he rarley moves. He is portraying all the traits you mention and I have been paying attention, but I don't have any sympathy.

We, as a family were having some really good days of fun and food, and H was taking us to dinner the next day, his invite. You say the reach out to "others" because they are searching, I get that, there were times I almost wished he would just go and release his depression.

But, when things are going well, and he still needs to sneak his calls to share his life, WTF is that? So good or bad it's important to risk it all on a text. My anger just says I hope it was worth it. I feel he lost so much, I see he feels it too.

I can't let his pain in life, be coddled and comforted while he hurts me to get there. Is that fair, nice, Dbing, IDk but I can't bring myself back to where we were just 3 days ago, he's losing me, he's losing a whole family and extended family over what?

If EA is so important that the cell phone needs to be tucked in your underwear even when times are going well with family, GTFO!

Ur, I don't waver from that....am I more done than I want to admit. It is scary, but so is staying like this, more!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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Bumping this up for Mach1 or anyone else that wants to read it!


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These are great, Cadet. Thank you for bumping them up. A whole lot of wisdom, there.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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