NYGal, they stress me out. make me worry and make me want to run the opposite direction.
made the terrible mistake of creeping on XOM's facebook...their R is over and are no longer fbook friends so I check occasionally to see if it's started back up. I know its bad, once they are friends again I'll have an emotional breakdown. ventured to W's fbook. something I truly NEVER do. looked at a few recent pics. W looks so happy. doubt drowns my mind. why would she want to R if she's so happy and better without me? 1. I understand pictures can be deceiving, mainly like mine, I seem so happy and I'm a mess inside, BUT she's the one that wanted this, so why would her pics lie? 2. W got rid of what makes her unhappy...me. 3. W no longer has W like responsibilities. she's SINGLE she does whatever she pleases.
Tomorrow marks 5 months...5 long and dreadful months since my W returned from that horrible terrible life altering trip. I honestly have no idea how i'm still here. I thought I couldn't make it a day...a week...one month. I remember 3 months like it was yesterday. I'm almost half way to a year. Time flies when sh!t hits the fan. I read somewhere that it takes roughly one month per year for spouse to something about anger. anyway, almost to 6, our 6 years. Also read somewhere that it takes 3weeks to 6months for spouse to get over "in love" with affair person.... I literally cannot even formulate a complete thought anymore.
Headed to pick D up from school taking her to soccer until W arrives... Wont have real time with D, just shuttling around. cake eating since I'm there when W cant? W did say she can figure it out, as she has been, but offered ME the first pick.
I have so much work. I need to get out of my head.
update. had a longer encounter than I was prepared for with w. W texted me about when class was supposed to start that class got canceled. that she'd see me and D at the field. Also said she had a chair for me. (which is funny because I debated going and buying each of us a chair but my friend advised against this) D in the car told me she has good and bad newws. my heart dropped. she said the good news was that W had stopped seeing the "person" she was dating. I asked what the bad news was, D said she was just kidding she only had good news. I changed the subject. No idea who she was dating. D didn't say if it's a man or woman. took a lot to not ask.
we get there at the same time. I head toward W's car, it smelled of perfume (I'm assuming she had just put it on since perfume dies out after a while) W looked amazing as always. We sat on the field, quickly realized sun was too hot so we moved, W told me where to park my chair so I did. W sat behind / next to me. Not sure why. W was not on phone yet. We made small talk, D school, soccer, scheduling. (all conversations we had previously had...) W complained about the soccer expenses. I sighed, and I didnt catch myself but W did. W asked what was wrong, I said nothing. W said no something's wrong I said no just stressing about work and school. W asked a few questions about school, work. Apologized that she didn't know class would get canceled, said I could leave to go get work done. I politely declined and said I had planned to be here and can deal with work early in the am or later. W mentioned my sandals were nice (I've had these all summer, she's never made a comment) she asked where I bought them. I said thank you and told her. W took a few mins.. W- you don't really want to talk to me do you? Me- not at all you're kind of far and behind me hard to talk behind my back W stayed silent...then as always her phone started buzzing. W laughed, mentioned the neighbor kid texted her about D. W then did something I did not expect...W moved her hair closer to me. Not right next, she was still at a distance but she picked up and moved. I was in awe. (the old me would've apologized immediately for making her feel this way and moved my chair toward her) we continued to talk about practice. It was over, we packed up met the coach. Introduced ourselves. I as the step parent of course. Then I said bye to D talked hugged and kissed her. Turned toward my car and waved bye to W. A few mins later W calls saying they were going to go out for dinner asking If i wanted to join. I politely declined, no thank you I have a ton of homework, next time. W said ok, and we said bye.
what an encounter. a few key points. 1.I am starting to tell when W is not dating, she's a lot nicer to me and I can just feel her more "connected" to me, and she just talks more and laughs more with me. 2. This is her second relationship in 5 months. 1st one was a full on EA-PA and she was so "in love" (not sure I was posting on here but I did receive some texts meant for OM one night so I am confident she thought she was "in love" / D told me when W spoke on phone or facetime with OM they were saying I love you's) 3.I don't want to become that "In between" where she runs or turns to me while W's not seeing anyone. yet pushes me away and is crazy alien W when she is. my main concrn is this: 4. My W has some serious self esteem and confidence issues. since day 1. I was always aware so I'm confident when I said I did not make negative comments about her looks. (I did once tell her something didn't look that great on her, which I didn't know W took as me telling her she was ugly, but I know now!) Because W fears rejection and these self esteem and confidence issues W rarely initiated anything, from basic hand holding to sex. W does not like and do well with rejection. So my Issues and question is this, -Why would W pursue me or want to get back in R if she feels rejected? for example me keeping it short and sweet makes her feel like I don't want to talk to her, declining dinner is rejecting spending time with her. Can someone give me some direction here? I feel like W will not pursue and think this is pointless if she feels unwanted by me. hellppppp.
thanks for reading my novel and for replying to me!
My experience is that it's important to keep the door open for reconciliation. If she reaches out in positive ways, accept it. Make your interactions loving and kind. She wants to know you're still there for her. I think it's ok that you decline some invitations. And whenever you accept them, make it a great, fun, no-pressure time. Then go on your merry way.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Cheesyt, I agree w/ NYGal. Pick your spots to spend time w/ her, but I think you're right to be worried about being the "In Between". I'm not sure how you balance being available and putting in a boundary around that. Hopefully some of the vets can help address that.
Regardless, you sound like you're doing well right now. Congrats on the new bed!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
NYGal - how will she feel a loss if I'm there for her? I'm conflicted as everything else points to the loss thing. why is my situation different? I feel so torn. Don't want cake eating!
coly- yes D is such a joker. drives me nuts sometimes! lol I'm glad D didn't tell me when she began dating, or who. I think I would fixate on that. I just need to know that it's over.
lt0402 - I agree more direction on this would be helpful!
hawker- it was. tonight W and I are taking D to get a couple more soccer things she needs. then back "home" for homework. I hope my W cooks dinner and invites me to stay. and I feel slightly lame for saying that. haha!
-had a rough day! too many negative thoughts, trying to push through.
I am all sorts of crazy emotions. I feel as though my DB was off today. Yesterday's encounter though I handled rather well was not carried over to today. Had a rough work day. Work was busy, I still cant sleep I feel like a 2 year old that hasn't taken their nap. Everything hurts. Was late to pick D up because I couldn't figure out some work stuff. W met D and I at the sporting goods store. (I asked her to) when I saw her I was so stressed from work and stuff I leaned in for hug. (Turns out she was just raising her hand to fix her hair) felt nice. I wanted to cry. I did ask D in car who's idea it was to invite me for dinner yesterday, D said it was W's. got "home" did some homework with D. W heated up left overs for D's dinner. W asked If I was hungry, I said yes. W offered leftover's I said ok lets eat, she said no just you. I said no thank you. W insisted I take some home, I said no thank you. W brought over bread and oil as a snack. (w ended up not eating anything) We hung out with D at the dinner table until D wanted to go out and play. I said bye, but W and I got caught up talking about her school. (W claimed I never wanted to listen...not sure why but I love listening to her talk nursing stuff) W suggested we sit outside on the deckh. W told me all about her clinicals. I listened and asked questions and really paid attention. Then... we began talking about her classmate, who is mad at the school so classmate was venting to W about not wanting to go to their graduation. W gave her this as advice -"you don't go to graduation for the school, you go for your kids and your husband who have been through this with you and know how difficult and hard you've work." I seriously almost lost my sh!t. I was and still am angry. I was there! I was there because I wanted to. So I never expected a thank you, but after I got a big eff you I kind of do! W is very aware of how hard and draining it is for the family members so why don't I get any recognition? a thank you. I'm angry...I'm angry because I helped her study..D and I gave up our time with her for her dream. I packed her lunch. I made sure I made dinner and lunch. I woke up at 4am before she left to keep her company. I scrapped snow off her car at 5am. I shoveled the paths so she wouldn't have to. I gave up MY schooling to help her through hers. I pushed her to go back to school. I supported her...I was and still am her biggest supporter and I feel like complete poop that I have no W, no family to show for all the sacrifice I made. I did this willingly, I did all this for love. No one asked me to. But at the end of the night, when all is said and done I sit here on my computer in my little basement room Alone, in pain and in tears. I think W really wants me there. W also asked yesterday If I was still planning on going. A friend told me that W asking again, and the comment about family W made earlier is obvious she wants me to go. I agree I think I'll break her heart If i don't go. However, now I think I'll just help her guilt. Part of me wants to not go just to hurt her. To "show her" what life without me is like. No #1 cheerleader. I hugged her good bye. Not good DB. I spent time with my W yesterday and today. It was great. I do not think W is in a fog. I saw her fog with OM. This isn't fog in my eyes. W is very conscious, she comes alive when she talks about stuff she likes. W laughs, makes jokes, sweet, kind, caring...all of this and I am still not wanted. What a blow to the gut.
-I don't like this life. I hate this. I want my W and D back.
I feel your pain. Cheesy. I had an outburst like that yesterday. I just want my life back with my H to do the things we used to do. None of this is fair....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
