journaling -So I woke up dreaming of W. Didn't make me super sad, until I realized my saturday's have all been random now. I used to have a schedule. (I like schedules, I like knowing what I'm supposed to do) I really wanted to go eat breakfast. We used to do that. I would've gone with a friend, but one is out of town the other was still asleep. I contemplated going alone.. I've done so many things alone already. I don't think I'm ready to tackle that one just yet. I have no real GAL activities today. They're all tomorrow. Today just "adulting" -errands. Which should be nice. Later my roommate is having a few friends over for dinner. Roommate wants to introduce her kids to new boyfriend in a group setting. Roommate constantly tells me she admires my work and not giving up on my M. She's mentioned that she wishes she'd tried a little harder instead of just giving into exh requests to D. Roommate is THE only person that agrees with me having some hope / DB. The only divorced friend is the only one that supports me in that way. All my other friends think I need to file for D and "leave". funny how that works.
Tomorrow around 3am a few of us from my running group are going to hike a 14er a few hrs away in the mountains. It'll be my first one. I'm excited. That should take most day, then family game night.
W has been silent since yesterday that she texted to figure out pick up schedule for D. I was last to text, a new song I discovered that I thought she might like. never heard back.
It's funny how that works isn't it. My best friend has been divorced twice. And she is the biggest advocate for me to stay and try to work on things and not give in.... No one else really gets it.
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
Maybe it's that they have the perspective that we don't. They know what D looks like on the other side. My friend always says "if I had known then what I know I would never have gotten D the first time." I've read studies about divorce and most people do regret it. And second marriages are really happier. And most people who stay when "unhappy" report having a great M within 5 years.... It's really about perspective. Like to WW they're so unhappy and can't go one more second without happiness but ironically by leaving. And D'ing they are quite possibly setting themselves up to be even more unhappy and unfulfilled than if they had just stayed.
I wish I could get my W to read those studies. But even if she did she would probably think she's the exception....
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
Maybs, I know from my WW she definitely views our marriage as the exception. All of her friends tell her, apparently, that their Hs are perfect and they have no problems in their Ms. I don't think our WWs have any inkling how common these situations are. No way I could convince my wife of that.
Cheesyt, that hike sounds great! I love doing that kind of stuff and have been looking for a group around here to join. I've thought about taking a week off work too and hiking a portion if the Appalachian trail to get away from this mess too. Love being outdoors! Enjoy your GAL tomorrow, very jealous!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
maybs- yes our D's friends seem to know the real struggle while our non D friends think of short term pain.
lt0402- hike got cancelled. it snowed up in the mountains. too cold.
another day dreaming of W- I was dropping her off at airport and asked if she wanted a D, that I had seen a few D lawyers. W gave me a surprised look and asked why I was looking into D she said she did not want D and was thinking about everything and possibly coming back. -not cool to wake up from that dream!
W texted me a selfie last night, saying thank you for some earrings I gave her a long time ago. and "love them." W had told me to return them a few weeks ago but I told her no, she can do it. W was wearing them for a little get together birthday party for one of her friends (W always talks sh!t about her so not sure why they're friends) and D had a sleep over at her friends. (I know all this from D, no longer press for details, just listen to D) I replied with you're welcome and they look nice. I debated on what and If to reply, spoke to a friend and because of W's self confidence issues and me not supporting her dangly earring look I wanted to make sure W felt supported, and I'm pretty sure she was looking for some sort of "looks" validation from me. otherwise why send the pic? a simple thank you would've been enough.
Last night was nice. met roommates new bf, and some of her neighbors and friends. good time.
No activities today. I am still in bed and its almost noon. Felt nice to sleep in. It's nice to not have responsibilities but I wish I had something to do! Getting up and going downtown to walk around and get coffee. Meeting with D and W later for family game night. Nervous and excited about that.
I got to the house, with pizza and salad as we had planned. W was on computer my new least favorite place...as "School" work on computer was code for "dont bother me i'm texting om". but anyway D was on couch, I came in yelled hello, no word. Walked into living room W didnt bother to say hi, neither did D. I sat next to her and she was crabby. I went downstairs to clean out cat litter as promised. took a peak in our old room (without W knowing), lighter (w's friends smoke, on MY side dresser) new / different charger, not iphone one that belongs to W, on my side too. (perhaps someone new?) two pillows, one on her side one on mine (but I took my pillow so she's only had one for a while). W came down shortly whispered to me that D is in one of her crabby moods and was making W angry. I thought, oh great, an indicator of the night. went back upstairs asked D if she was hungry D nodded but W didnt see so W said rudely "did you hear her, she asked if you were hungry". D responded to W. (It felt good to have my W make sure D was being respectful). I signaled D to go sit at dining room table. W got plates, I prepared our salad bowls. No Tomato for W extra croutons. just as she likes her salad. sat down and small talked. D's school, sleepover the previous night, friends, mall, earrings. everything. W talked about her little party last night. W asked me to tell her about my side job, I was pretty vague. W also asked how I was, changed the subject and avoided telling her. W also suggest I get a band aid for my thumb (have some weird blood wart/blister that popped today. I had a make shift band aid) I politely declined her nurse-like help. played our board game. W brought phone out, and played the song I texted her the other day. Not sure why, I feel like she played it for me. But who knows. W also had phone screen up, that's never happened as far as I recall. Even before BD. I read somewhere if they keep their phone down they're hiding something so for her to not only NOT be on it the whole time and to have it face up is big, in my book. Not sure in what way or what exactly it says, but it says a lot. We played a few games then W asked D to get her backpack. D brought out all the papers from the first week that parents have to fill out. W and I looked at them, I asked W if i could help filling them out, W said yes. W filled out a paper that said list your direct family members W listed... W, Me and D's Father. much to my surprise. I'm sure it's nothing, maybe even because I was there but I was surprised nonetheless. (as I am a step-parent, that W no longer is "married" to) We talked a little bit about scheduling before sending D off to finish putting her clean clothes away. I went down with D to chat and have some 1 on 1. I said my goodbyes after. Walked upstairs to get something form living room and say bye to W. W was on my side of couch, (she took it over once I left, she says she prefers my side, not a big deal just weird) W got up immediately and pointed out one of my shirts that I left there. reminding me to take it. I said thank you again, and was about to walk down stairs when W beat me to it. W walked down to the door and was not blocking it, but standing sort of in the way. I figured she wanted to chat more so I sat on the stairs...We chatted about D. I told W I ordered some stuff for D to please not open package. Talked about D wanting her new winter jacket (it's in W's closet) Then I got up to leave. W lingered, I wanted to linger, but I remember, No lingering. W said bye and reached in for hug. I made it a quick one said thanks for having me. W said of course. and I was on my way.
thoughts over all... 1. I felt like we were a family, not the same one...a better one. 2. Loved the phone thing...puts me at ease. 3. not crazy about weird things on my side of bed, but it could be D's tablet charger or phone charge... and Idk about the lighter. 4. I like that W wanted a hug. That always feels good. also liked she blocked the door. I had made it clear no hug would be initiated in my part. 5. loved that she included me on the immediate family paper. again could've been cus I was there but I'll take it. 6. D tests W...a lot, as she always has, but It was nice to let W be the mean one and I just sat there.
I made sure I was smiling most of the time, we laughed (W told me she knew she loved me when she heard my "real" laugh 6 years ago so I'm always conscious of that) we had a good family game night. So many variables, so many things that could be going on. I'm trying not to over think it. I left happy. for once. I didn't cry. (leaving my Family after gatherings is by far the hardest part of this all) was sure W would temp check me by text after I left but she didn't. and that's ok. don't need to have any interaction with W until tuesday. as W asked If I could take D to soccer practice. I said yes because even though W needs me to, and like always i'm there, I'll take the extra 1 hr I'll get with D.
my goal is to be a better parent. Even If the D happens and Daughter never sees me again, I want her to look back and not be screwed up in the brain because of me. I hope that in the process W see's i'm not a crappy parent as she painted me to be (I was just different than what she wanted, but I can adjust when circumstances change, i.e W is able to be more present because of school/work) and finally, W to see that together we make a better parenting team, and marriage.
I know I went into a lot of detail about the night, but I feel its important to try and remember everything. thanks for reading / input!
Agree, sounds like a very positive experience cheesyt!
I know what you're talking about on the phone thing. My WW has laid her phone face down for months, even pre-BD. She's leaving it face up more now, but I chalk it up to her having figured out how to turn off notifications.
Even though it feels good, I'd offer you don't read too much into it. It could set you up for disappointment in the future. Just note that it's a change in behavior and to quote Chief Wiggum, "Move along, nothing to see here..."
Keep with the positive momentum though! So happy to hear that you had a good time at your game night!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Hi Cheesy, anything new since Sunday? The confusing messages are sometimes so hard -- but they keep us hoping, don't they?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
