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Originally Posted By: HTM
She has also given me a deeper insight into W’s behaviour, as she went through the hanging out w/ a younger crowd, getting involved w/ younger men and eventually falling into a relationship with a guy, that IMO, could only be described as dysfunctional. Hopefully by having people like big Sis & all you DB-ers on my team, who know the 'playbook', I can avoid further mistakes.


HTM,

It must be nice to have someone that can give you insight into the WW's behavior. I've been on this forum for a while, but I still don't have a good understanding of the WW's thought process (and it may not be possible to understand it). Sandi helps us understand the WW's perspective, but my WW can still throw me for a loop and leave me completely baffled.

And, just a word of warning, be wary of AndrewP; he's one of those crazy Canadians. He writes eloquently, but don't let him fool you, he's a wild-@ss party dude. We hear rumors of his antics all the way down here in Florida. Just sayin'...

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HTM,

I have a few more kids than you, but aside from that there are many similarities in the dynamic with our Ws and in our sitchs. I am a few years more into this now (unfortunately), but feel free to lean on me. If you need to, drop a line in my thread. I will try to keep current with your sitch, as long as not all your posts are as long as your first wink

Looks like you are starting to get it. It's important to explore your share in the breakdown in the R, so you can move on from it and identify areas of improvement. In the meantime, try not to do anything rash or based on emotion. In the beginning, it is a good idea to float things on these boards first, reach some sort of consensus. I can't tell you how many times I wish I had consulted my fellow DBers before acting, did not, then regretted it. As you get more confident and better at DB, interactions will (hopefully) get easier.

BTW, HTM is a misnomer. You are a full man who has begun to take charge of his life and is surviving one of the hardest things to endure. Kudos to you. One day you'll thrive again.

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
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Hi RAI, thanks for your insight and support.

The manipulative behaviour has become more apparent to me after reading & learning more about MLC/WSs.

Yes the MR has become very toxic over the last couple of weeks and unfortunately the children have been caught up in some of it. I know I’ve made mistakes throughout this situation but I’m trying to keep a strong father/Ss relationship going all the while, as well as making time for fun. In many ways they brighten the really bad days and, perhaps w/o realising it, help get me through. They’re aware separation is on the cards but perhaps have little understanding what this will ‘really’ be like. When they ask questions I’m careful not outright lie to them but also not say it’s all W’s fault b/c of… I’m aware too of how a child’s mind will abbreviate an adults explanation into something more horrible. For instance, shortly after W was granted the court order I went to take Ss out for pizza. They got very tearful and didn’t want to leave the house with me. When asked why, they said that they didn’t want me to go to prison! I explained this wouldn’t happen and they had nothing to worry about -had a scare in the restaurant myself though, even after I’d txt W to say I’ve taken Ss out for pizza, she called from the police station but I reiterated in the phone call we’d be back after lunch. A few days later I tactfully delved deeper and found the NMO had been explained in more detail by W but Ss obviously focused on the worst case scenario. I’m wondering with all that has been going on if it’s worth me speaking to Ss teachers when they start back at school, just to keep an eye on any behavioural changes or difficulties they may have; any thoughts on this?

I’m struggling to think straight at all with the current state of affairs. I feel myself almost yearning for the mediated separation to be complete just to get away from her so I can gather myself, then my more rational side kicks-in and I know it could be 2-3 months before this happens. Of late, it’s not helped by the fact that W is a teacher and at home more due to school hols. I too, am around the family home more due to taking a work break; was looking to start freelancing but have become pre-occupied w/ MR situation. Hoping that when W returns to work, beginning of Sept, she’ll be bogged down with a lot of work related responsibilities, be out of the house more and allow me to breathe & think clearer. Currently, W is away w/ Ss on mini-vacation at SIL’s place. When she returns I take Ss away for a mini-vacation so there is chance for avoidance until her work kicks-in.

Talking of scripts, I’ve had my W txt “As for the sweet girl you knew? The one that made your world great? She’s long gone for you. Perhaps you should’ve taken better care of her. Perhaps there’s someone out there who’s able to appreciate her more.” is this typical WW parlance?

Yes, L engaged specialises in Family Separation/Mediation/Domestic-Violence cases; he’s even remarked about the oddity of my W raising such a court order under the circumstances, i.e. no evidence to back it up and both of us still in the same house/bed.

Have now started to adhere to DB guidelines more closely regarding contact; child related matters only now.

I have read through most of sandi2’s posts and I can see some of myself in what she says about the ‘Nice Guy’ and how that has probably fed into my W becoming wayward. Always thought of myself as being considerate to others but now realise that at times this has lead me to be too passive in the MR. Incidentally, I recall a pre-BD family meal out when I called over a waitress regarding some menu/cost issue and then calmly/firmly stated how I wanted the matter resolved. W remarked “I love it when you’re assertive!” wish I’d picked on this kind of thing sooner.

I stopped trusting W’s explanations on what she was doing a long time ago but hadn’t extended that to her, now absent, principles; you make a good point.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
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Quote:
worth me speaking to Ss teachers when they start back at school
My $0.02, but you absolutely need to let teacher or administrator know. The real victims in all of this are your kids. They are probably feeling a greater lack of control over their situation than you are. They may act out, they may withdraw. Most certainly, they will have a lot of questions. It would be good if you had some allies at school to be on the lookout. It would probably also be beneficial (and reflect well on you) if you set the children up to see a therapist to ensure that their greater emotional needs are being met (depending on their age). You can do this with your W or unilaterally. See if other DBers weigh in on the matter.

Remember, kids are the real victims and you need to continue to parent even if your WW has forgotten how to. You be the lighthouse.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
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Hi Wonka,

I've read quite a few of yours/others MLC posts since first suspecting my W was in MLC.

With all my confusion I'm struggling to determine if my W is suffering MLC, is a WW, or combination of both -if that's possible?

Have been reviewing sandi2's threads/responses quite a bit as she touches on the 'Nice Guy' & WW situation which has struck a cord with me. As I feel I've been handling the situation rather poorly thus far, I want to try and nail-down what I'm dealing with to ensure no further mistakes.

However, will wait on some initial forum feedback, if ok, and then move to MLC thread if it seems better suited.

Thanks for you intro and advice.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 59
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Thanks Tony68.

I've never been a dedicated/devoted religious person but I, to an extent, do have faith. I've found myself visiting church on a few occasions since BD, at a quiet non-mass time, to light a candle for loved ones passed and even pray for my W -would you believe!?

Prayers & luck are all gladly welcomed, and needed I feel. I offer the same to you and hope you too come through your situation all the better/stronger for it.


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
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Originally Posted By: HTM
However, will wait on some initial forum feedback, if ok, and then move to MLC thread if it seems better suited.

Good idea, get all my homework done here first because when you move to the MLC forum I have more! smile smile smile


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Hi doodler,

I'll take all the humour I can get right now smile thanks.

Yeah, perhaps I am reaching too far with the ‘insight’ wording, and let’s not go there with the ‘understanding’ part smile Probably more correct for me to say W’s behaviour seems to match that of sister’s which infers similar shenanigans. Following my experiences so far, I’ll be cautious to omit ‘logical’ or ‘reasonable’ when writing about my W’s actions/responses too.

In the parts of the world where cricket is played/followed there’s a phrase which expresses when you get an unexpected ‘delivery’, or ‘pitch’ in baseball terms, which seems very much like your “throw me for a loop”. Upon entering this "bowled a googly!" phrase into a widely known search engine returns the full definition, which I won’t replicate here but just highlight the amusing alternative term… a “wrong ‘un”. In fact, think I’ll refer to all of W’s unexpected actions/responses as wrong ‘un s from now on smile


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 59
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Thanks again RAI, will check in on your thread & sitch for guidance, will try to keep the posts there as well as here shorter now that the big first entry is done.

Yes have started to go over my failings, some are minor that might be considered insignificant but there are a couple of majors that W made a big deal of before BD. Will detail these on my thread in time but I realise that if the MR cannot be repaired then these need to be resolved ahead of any future R.

Forum as sounding board, got it; too many rash decisions/actions already don’t need to add to those!

And yes I need to put more effort into kids emotional well being, especially as S11 is exhibiting the hormonal changes of puberty already so foresee a particularly difficult time ahead for him. Will consult my own IC as well as approach both schools.

HTM moniker is a song reference but yes it 'will' become a misnomer; let’s say that’s my start point and where I finish… Man2.0 or Man++ ???


Me 50, ExW 49
T21, M13+
S15, S13
BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY)
Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts
Oct-2016 W petitions for D
Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed
Jun-2018 D'd
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
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Quote:
HTM moniker is a song reference but yes it 'will' become a misnomer; let’s say that’s my start point and where I finish… Man2.0 or Man++ ???
Is it the Nirvana song? Just wondering.

How about "Da Man" - as in: You...Da...Man!

It seems like you are really engaged in the DB process. Kudos to you. Keep on keepin' on.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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