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I have been doing some reading the past week. I've read HaWho's thread and some of the archive sections. I've re-done my homework, and I can see now, just how much of this sitch is MLC.

When I think back, my W started being 'funny' in May 2014. She was talking about old school friends and wanting to join Facebook in her old name to try and find them (she hasn't seen them for 30 years). Again, when I look back, the abusive language and name calling and language choice was the start of replay ('I wish I was as thin as when I met you', 'it's your fault I put on weight. If I hadn't met you I'd be thin') followed with 'I wish you were two stone lighter, like when we met' etc.

Obviously BD had the usual mix of nonsense etc. Being told I wasn't attractive to her anymore hurt. It all hurt, but so far in to the process now, and reading more stuff on the MLC side, it all starts to make sense. The cherry on the cake was this years' Tummy Tuck.

I'm looking backwards to see what might have sparked it. I know she had a mini MLC when she was 30, when SD was born. She is going through the menopause ('I feel like a dried up old bint'), but I was supportive and tried to get her to see the doctor. Looking far back, her Father tried to marry her off in an 'arranged' marriage, when she was 15. In fact, he's not her real Father, and I know she hasn't told her brothers and sisters about that. It caused real pain to my W, and she went to live with her Aunt for some years, not talking to her Father in all that time.

I guess all these factors have brought her to this. What I don't understand is why, if your past has been painful to some degree, would you want to replay that part of your life?

To more mundane. W brought over kids for tea yesterday and SD came too. W made a great fuss about buying my SD new catering knives for her college course. I don't know why, but I smiled and said great. W was wearing a 'see through' top with a black undergarment and high heel shoes. I noticed my SD was wearing similar....hmmmm.

Anyway, just my journaling thoughts on another week of MLC chaos! Thankfully, I am sane and coping well. Thinking about a weekend away in September to unwind.


M 45 W 52
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Quote:

I guess all these factors have brought her to this. What I don't understand is why, if your past has been painful to some degree, would you want to replay that part of your life?


No, it's not really a matter of choice.

To be clear, roughly half of all mental health professionals don't believe in MLC, and the other half sort of do.

The idea behind a MLC is that there was some sort of event or trauma that occurred in a childhood, where the child wasn't able to process it fully so it got sort of stored away, glossed over and sort of forgotten.

Then later on in life, some button, some event opens up that storage bin in the mind and no that person has to handle the event as an adult...but since it happened as a child...it sort of morphs that person into a child/adult.

A rational adult should be able to process through some of these issues pretty quickly...but not this morphed persona.
This has been my experience.

It's not really a choice on their part, and believe me I'd rather be the LBS than an MLCer ANY DAY of the year.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi Jack

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. The idea that something hasn't been 'finished' from an earlier phase, needs dealing with 'now' is intriguing.

Mental health professionals etc. all seem to think MLC is just a cover all. I suggest they make this site required reading!


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How are you doing today Huddy? Good plans for the weekend?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Hi Jack

Not bad! Work finished for the week (hurrah!), so, this the first weekend I haven't had the kids since late June, so, I've got the flat to clean down, windows to clean and generally just have a chill weekend.

Have booked a cheeky GAL weekend away for September, so that's something to look forward to. It's just a couple of days, but it's away from normal life, so that's got to be good. Meeting a couple of old mates and we're going for some food and beer.

Still doing some homework, reading up on MLC threads. No word from W since Tuesday, and I don't expect any.


M 45 W 52
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Ok man, enjoy your weekend...with all that cleaning...hope you can grab a pint. Scotland any chance you're near the Lagavulin distillery? Cause as far as I am concerned that is as close to heaven as you can get on earth...maybe Laphroaig.

Here if you need any support, don't forget that.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Huddy Offline OP
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Cheers Jack! No, I'm near Edinburgh (Southern Scotland) and I'm actually a Yorkshireman (technically in England - but we're the largest County, so we like to think we're better than other Englishmen!).

It's the end of the International Festival/Fringe here this weekend, so it's been manic. Time to rest up.

As always, backup is appreciated.


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Huddy,

I love Scotland and have enjoyed visiting Edinburgh many times. I was just sharing some photos of Scotland to a couple of friends today at lunch.

I'm sure you and others will be happy when the International Festival/Fringe is over and the crowds are much more manageable.

Enjoy the weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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W brought over the kids today for there tea. My S has autism and has been really anxious whilst he was here and asking for 'Mummy' a lot. It's beginning to bother me that he seems this way, but I can't say anything to W, as the words I would say would seem like pursuing. D told me that she had told W that she 'wished we all lived in the same house again' and that 'I wish you and Mummy would get married again'. It's hard to explain to a 6 year old about all this, so I just smile and nod and move the conversation on to something she's been doing.

I haven't really communicated with W. I suppose I'm stuck. When she did talk to me today, there is that slight edge of talking down her nose, so I just reply to her question in one word answers and then get back to the kids. W arrived in the same see through armed top, skinny jeans and high heels again, today. It's funny, but she would never wear high heels when with me as she said that they hurt; now, you just can't get her out of them.

It's difficult not to get despondent and think 'F*** It' and just move on. She shows no emotion at all, and as I don't see her every day, it's difficult to know where she is in the 'process'. I suppose, at the moment, W is still living in the glow of her operation. Great, it's removed the 'pouch' from her stomach, but who's looking at it? Maybe she's staring in the mirror every day. In the background, I think my SIL will still be stirring.

Yeah, so, just writing down the thoughts in my head. Disappointment (as always) when I see W, but I know that she will pull the cord one day to see the attachment. Have to got to be more convincing, I suppose.


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Huddy,
I think you are handling your situation well. It's tough when you have children that wish everyone was living under one roof again. Continue to listen and validate your children whenever possible.

As for the way your wife is dressing, they do become the mirror image (exact opposite) of the old self. So, if she didn't wear certain clothes or shoes previously, she'll most certainly do it now. She'll eventually ditched those shoes...but it may be a while before that happens. They have to experiment and try out new things because it's a distraction and a "change" for them. They want "change" because for a short period of time, the "changes" make them feel better. Eventually they may run out of things that make them feel better and then they will have time to focus on themselves.

Her tone of voice is also typical of a MLCer. I'm sorry she used that tone w/you. The "no emotion" is also typical of the MLCer. They have to remain cold and unemotional w/us because they don't want to feel anything for us. They use the anger and so called hatred to help them feel this way. Surely, if they thawed just a bit, they would begin to soften towards us and right now...they don't want that. They need to have some sort of justification for what they are doing, so that's us and the relationship...we must be the reason for them feeling so low and depressed. Nope...it's them, not us.

Huddy, continue to move forward. Keep the focus on you and your children. Do you have any hobbies or activities that you enjoy? Maybe a walk in the park, or a trip to the pub and meet up w/some friends...just get out and about when you have a moment. You need this down time to recharge your battery.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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