My sitch... I am 8 months post BD. My wife is deep into the grip of an EA and possibly has gone PA, confirmed Jan/2016. I did suspect something a few months earlier but was keeping myself in denial. Our marriage has not been a bad one. Until 1st BD I would have said it was a very good marriage. Since BD and many painful days and conversations after , I really question myself. Either because I should take her spewing seriously or even if there are nuggets of truth in her words and actions, then our marriage of 24 yrs was a fraud.
I failed the early tests by doing the things I should'nt do, crying, pleading.. all the unattractive stuff that only pushed her furter away. I'm doing better now but need advice.
I can give more history but I think that early posts are to be kept short. Correct?
Anyway, I really want to hear from the Vets on this board. I have been reading this board alot and following some of the advice given by Sandi2, Wonka, Cadet, Job and others. I hope to make sense of this and figure out what is the best way to move forward.
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: These are known as the homework.
Sorry to hear your story Roe. We all understand your pain. Sorry also that I am not a vet, but am willing to listen
Originally Posted By: ROE
My sitch... I am 8 months post BD. My wife is deep into the grip of an EA and possibly has gone PA, confirmed Jan/2016. I did suspect something a few months earlier but was keeping myself in denial. Our marriage has not been a bad one. Until 1st BD I would have said it was a very good marriage. Since BD and many painful days and conversations after , I really question myself. Either because I should take her spewing seriously or even if there are nuggets of truth in her words and actions, then our marriage of 24 yrs was a fraud.
That sounds just like the same stuff we all go thru. I think our spouses, whether they are having a mid life crisis, or just decided to walk away, feel the need to justify their actions to themselves and their friends and family. She would not get much sympathy if she told you, and everyone else, that Roe is a heck of a nice guy, but she just decided to have an EA and PA anyway, would she?
But.....about those possible nuggets of truth. This is what DBing is really about. Figuring out what really is true that your wife is complaining about, and then doing something about it. Accepting that you are responsible for 50% (but NOT more than that) of your marital problems. And then making yourself into the best Roe you can be. For yourself and your kids, not for her.
For example, my ex said he had stopped loving me because I was too short, and that I waited until I was done cleaning the house to take a shower in the morning. Not valid spewing. But on the other hand, I have found that I, and many others here, am a co-dependent enabling fixer. It's something that was hard to have to recognize about myself, but I feel that now that I'm becoming a better person by working on it.
What are your wife's complaints?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Married 24 years. We met as teens before HS and dated off/on till we M'd in our mid 20's. We became each other's BF and we did everything together. We were each other's firsts. I fell in love with her at first sight and never stopped loving her. We weren't together the entire time. We did go through 2 extended break ups and dated others before marriage. After HS while in her early 20's she left state and married someone else. I was crushed at the news. I never detached completely so less than 2 yrs after she married, she calls me out of the blue and tells me her M was a mistake and plans to D. She mentioned that she wanted to see me again. She wanted to know if we had a future together. I was thrilled so YES!! Of course we had a future. She moved back during D process. We started dating again almost imediatly. Engagement was short and we married quick. Wlived the dream. Both college educated, good paying jobs, no kids yet. We built our 1st home and lived in it for the next 22 yrs. Had 4 kids and we loved every aspect of our lives together. Not to say everything was perfect. But ours was better than all of our friends and our parents also. We never fought for years. We travelled extensively for work and pleasure. We were very social with an abundance of friends. We had good for sure. Soul mates living out our childhood dream.
Fast forward 20 yrs,,, the fast paced jobs, large home and constant running with kids was taking its toll. Nothing serious but the "honeymoon" phase had passed. Our marriage was still solid. And still better than everyone else's. I almost forgot,, during those years we both suffered changes to our parents. I lost both parents, father due to illness and mother just checked out and walked away from us all. Her family suffered a long term and changed their lives forever.
Anyway, about 2 yrs ago is what I can put together when things started that has brought us to our current sitch. But according to W it was much earlier than that yet she did not show it. So a very close mutual male friend and neighbor of ours, was very involved with our lives and children as his children were friends with ours. His relationships with former W's and GF's can be described as toxic. So we were always there for him. My W has a soft heart for kids so she was very compelled to help him for sake of his kids. Over time their friendship developed to an unhealthy friendship but I was not aware of it at the time. I believe they kept much of it a secret early on. Over time they became more bold and I began to suspect something was wrong but more from the idea that OM was possibly in the wrong, surely not my W. when I questioned W her response was they were only friends and she assured me I was misunderstanding. Eventually during the end of 2015 I couldn't take it anymore and we had a big fight over the issue. All others were arguments at best. This one was a true H/W verbal fight. That was Dec. Then a few weeks later BD and it came out the friendship was more than that. They were full on emotionally connected. W spewed the most hateful things at me from: "she did not love me, she had stopped loving me many years before that, the only reason she stayed was because we started having kids, she was not attracted to me, being intimate with me was horrible and more like a job. Anyway you get the picture.
I drew the line with her friendship with OM but that made matters worse. She refused to give up OM and said she was not sure she wanted to stay M'd. Over the next 6-8 wks I made all the big mistakes that are so unattractive. Then I found information about MLC then WAW and later WW. 2nd BD she said she wanted to S. But she never moved out and I won't. 3rd BD in May she said she wants a D. Nothing filed yet but I suspect to be served any time. In the mean time OM is very much in the picture. They communicate all the time. Originally secretively hiding and carrying phone everywhere when that never was the case. She is now openly meeting him and corralling support from friends ( mostly new friends ) in favor of their relationship. She stopped being intimate shortly after BD1. She is very conscience of her looks more so than normal. She spewed constantly for almost 6 months. I stopped reacting in June so things are more civil now. I am trying to detach but struggling very hard with it. I do know that I do not want this marriage anymore. Would I reconcile? Yes, but things have to be different. Not like it is now.
Anyway, I'm sorry I'm rambling but I have to vent. Sorry about that. I will give more info. Just not sure what is appropriate right now.
ROE
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
Thank you Linda for your help. I really do appreciate it. This evening was a challenge so I'm struggling to stay even keeled. This hasn't gotten easier.
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
Anyway, I'm sorry I'm rambling but I have to vent. Sorry about that. I will give more info. Just not sure what is appropriate right now.
You're welcome, and vent away Roe, that's what we're here for. To listen. I have some work to do but will be back later about some of the stuff you wrote about your wife that stuck a chord with me, about her contacting you and then starting to date before she was divorced from her first husband. Also about the OM and his toxic relationships - can you tell us more about that?
And don't worry, it's all appropriate (except for foul language) and the more you tell, the more someone or other here will be able to help.
How old are your kids?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have the DB book. I have read it once but need to go through it again. I'm debating DR, is it more or less the same, or will it supplement the DB book? I'm on the fence.
Thank you Cadet... I have followed this board for a while now. It is a real honor to actually correspond w/you. Though I wish the circumstances were different
ROE
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
Linda (is it ok that I address you by "Linda" or do you have another preference?)
I can't really go into much detail about the other man, though I know him very well. I just don't want to dwell on him too much, I'm already consumed with jealousy and I'm very bitter about the whole thing.
I can tell you he's been married twice and has a child w/both. Both of his former wives have major issues of their own. Ironically though both cheated on him, wife #1 cheated on him with his BF at the time they split. Though I could see the writing on the wall at a distance, I was completely blind sided when it happened to us. He became one of my closest friends over the past few years as he was always hanging out with us. Both of his wives also were in my opinion abusive toward him, verbally for sure. We really felt true compassion for him. I still do not think he nor W intentionally planned for this to happen, but they still made their own choices. They had to reach a point where they both W&OM conscientiously made a decision to move forward with an illicit relationship. Knowing it was wrong and would cause grief to our family and his relationship with his GF.
Kids are still in school grades 6 thru 12.
ROE
ROE 48/WW 49 M24 Childrenx4 BD1 Jan 2016 EA/OM conf'd by WW : BD2 Apr 2016 WW wants S : BD3 May 2016 WW wants D Oct - Separated Dec - PA confirmed Jan 2017 - I file for D / Enough is Enough
