Maybs - Pt3

[NYGal]

Hi Maybs, it sounds like you are doing well. I'd bet good money that SIL shared your conversation with W. And you handled that convo really, really well!
If you're truly ready to move on, then I hope it goes very smoothly.

[maybs]

I feel like I am ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready to live my life 100% for me and whatever happens, happens. I'm not out like actively searching for someone to date but if it happens, it happens.

The irony is I was so focused on DBing and making sure I was trying to do everything right and the second I just stopped trying to do it all and just 100% let go is when my W started coming around again.

I have a hard time phrasing this in a way that makes verbal sense. I don't believe in saying "never" about anything it doesn't just have to do with my W. I believe that there could be a time and a place for anything with anyone, even exes. For me it's more I'm not hoping or waiting for R.

Over the past week or so my W has been in contact with me every day about something or another. Over the past few days I FINALLY got it through her head that this D is moving forward and is something that I'm on board with and just want to be done with. She has heard from "people" (she won't tell me who) that I'm doing really well and am really happy and seem more like myself than I have in a long while and I think it's eating at her. We have had several conversations over the past few days that have ended because she gets upset and starts "secretly" crying (it's like when you know someone is crying but they're trying super hard to cover it up). And honestly, at the point that happens I just exit the conversation, not rudely, but I just say that I have to get going because I'm busy, which has actually been true almost every time.

On some level I feel bad for her that she is clearly going through something and she's alienated so many people that she's basically alone, but at the same time. I feel like I can't get sucked back into her drama right now. More and more I see an unhappy and lonely person who desperately wants me to reach out to her and I just can't. More and more I see the person that my W used to be and I see that she's struggling with something inside of her and I just can't help and it does make me feel bad for her. But it's not my struggle. and I just got to a place where I feel good about myself and my life and I don't want to lose that by being sucked back in. Especially because I know that evil monster side of her is still in there and lashes out at me sometimes when she's very frustrated, but it just doesn't bug me.

I feel like I've had a shift in mentality from thinking "she's leaving me" to feeling like "I'm leaving her"

It's funny to me that I'm better at DB-ing now that I've given up trying, maybe I was just thinking about it to hard all along.

[MoveFrwd]

The irony is I was so focused on DBing and making sure I was trying to do everything right and the second I just stopped trying to do it all and just 100% let go is when my W started coming around again.

Exactly - People want what they cant have.

Have you ever tried to throw away a kid's toy?
Me: "You havent played with it for years..."
Them: "But I want to play with it now!"

Just keep doing what youre doing.

I would advise to hold off dating. In fact, I'd take the attitude of not doing it purposely. It isnt for W, but it's for you. Youve only been post-BD for 2 months. Do you really feel "over" your 5 year relationship? Id recommend you take the time to flourish into the new "you" and let the changes become habits and then become your personality. Otherwise, I worry that youll find yourself back here down the road.

[hawker]

Sounds like you are doing great maybs!!!!

[cheesyt]

great job moving on and forward! hope it works out for you!!!

[NYGal]

I think darknes is right. We quickly hop into new relationships and then wonder why they don't work out. Take your time. Good luck maybs. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do.

[Coly23]

Hi Maybs, glad you are getting yourself together. I think I'm trying too hard. I want so much to get to the stage you are at. Not to be able to entice my H back but to be at peace with myself and to find the girl I used to be again.

[maybs]

Thanks everyone. Like I said I'm not trying to rush into dating, I'm just trying to live my life.

I think it's pretty normal here for everyone to kind of beat themselves up when they feel like they've failed at DB-ing, and I will say I did not get to this place without a lot of work. And I do mean a lot.

- I see an IC weekly and that has helped me learn to better identify not only WHAT I'm feeling but WHY I'm feeling that way and really get to the bottom of what's going on with me

- I got a life. In the beginning I was doing a bunch of things just to take up time and space in my life that was now empty of activity. Over time I cut out the things that were just fillers and stuck to only what I really enjoy doing. This that some days I wants to sit around with my dogs and watch movies all day. It took a long time to realize that for me, as someone who is introverted and likes peace and quiet, sometimes the best GAL activity I can do for myself is doing nothing. I need time to recharge and relax. But it takes time to get comfortable with being alone again.

- A large part of my peace comes from being comfortable and accepting of who I am and understanding that I'm not going to be perfect, I'm going to make mistakes and the most important part of being a compassionate person is being compassionate to yourself. Be kind to you and kindness to others will follow.

- Read about mindfulness. it's a way of being. To stop living in past or future and be fully aware of what is going on right now. If it's not something you are familiar with I would look into it. It's actually about building awareness of yourself: your needs, your wants, your desires and learning to control them, not let them control you.

I'm not saying these things will work for you to find peace, whatever that looks like for you, but they are some of the things that I've worked on over the past couple of months that have helped get me to where I am today with all of this

[maybs]

I have been having a very stressful week.

Work has been crazy busy and just exhausting mentally and physically.

On top of that I have been helping my best friend move. So we both work all day at demanding jobs and then leave work and go move from 5pm-midnight-ish. Supposedly her D and her D's BF are "helping" but really they're just acting like teenagers and not doing much of anything, so it's pretty much all us.

On top of that I have been feeling very stressed/anxious/guilty about a ridiculous argument we all had a few days ago. My best friend that I've been helping move is someone that my W also knows through work, but they aren't very close especially now. So basically what happened (and this is probably going to make no sense)

My W contacted me because we were talking about something D related and while on the phone she said something to me about this friend but didn't elaborate.

After the convo with W I called friend and asked her about it and kept it strictly between her and I because it was something about if she was giving my W info on me (basically did you betray my trust?), I did not tell her my W said it. I DID NOT tell her my W said it and I did not talk about it at all except in the context of "Why did you do xx to me?" I don't know if that makes sense.
Anyways so friend tells me the whole story and I'm like "oh okay that makes sense. We are good then." End of story.

So W and friend have their own issues because W told everyone at work something that friend explicitly told us not to tell anyone. So friend texts W this whole long thing that basically outlines that she feels betrayed by W spreading the rumors about her (justified IMO) and says that she feels used by W asking for info about me (also justified as that is all my W tries to talk to her about anymore) and basically tells my W that she doesn't feel she is being a true friend to her and that she is choosing to stand by me through this and doesn't want to betray me so she thinks they shouldn't speak.

She also pretty much left me out of it and made it about their issues.

But then W texts me all angry again because "you must have said something to her to make her go off on me and you just want to start some drama."
And at this point I didn't know what my friend had said to her so I'm like "I really don't know what you're talking about, but I can tell you're upset."
And it just goes downhill from there. And she's just yelling at me and I'm just ignoring it/validating her feels of being upset but I'm refusing to get involved in their argument.

Then this whole thing about how I don't trust my W gets brought back up and at that point I couldn't deal with it anymore. No I don't trust her. She walked out on me and lied to me and is having an A...the fact that she thinks I would trust her is just absurd to me. But I didn't want to get into it with her so I just continued validating and basically trying to stay out of it.

But anyways, the stress and anxiety over this whole situation has had me in knots. Mostly I feel guilty that my W is 100% denying that she blabbed friends secret to everyone. I SAW HER AND HEARD HER MYSELF! I know she did it. So I feel bad that this has escalated to not only is she treating me subpar but now she's also taking it out on my friends and really my friend doesn't deserve that. She was not a part of any of our relationship issues and the only thing she has done through all of this is stand by me and be there for me (which I recently found out that my W went to this person and asked her to "be there" for me). So the fact that my W is upset that she asked this person to "be there" for me and is now mad that we have developed a very close and strong friendship... I'm just not entirely sure what she expected to happen. Honestly, I feel like she thought friend would be there for me but remain loyal to her and that she could continue to use that to get information about me.

I don't know, I really feel guilty about their friendship ending, I never wanted that to happen to either of them. I feel badly that friend is being treated poorly just for being close with me. And on some level I do feel bad for WW for losing yet another close relationship because of her poor life decisions...But the guilt I feel is related to my friend and not my W. I fully believe that W set this up on her own and it was really only a matter of time before that relationship imploded on itself because of factors that W controlled (ie. telling people friends business) but I still feel bad for friend because it [censored] to lose a friend like that.

What I do not feel is influenced by W's emotions or any of her other crazy bullsh!t.

It's just been a long week...

[maybs]

Will this week ever end!!!

I'm still feeling a bit stressed and anxious about life in general.
Normally I would turn to my best friend buttttt since she's having her own issues with W I'm trying to respect that and not complicate it more...
I have tried to work it out on my own, why I'm feeling the way I do right now, and it's been a struggle because I don't know.

W keeps contacting me about unimportant things or to ask me questions that are absolutely ridiculous and things that she could easily figure out on her own if she tried. She's a smart person but right now she's acting kind of dumb. Is it just to give her reasons to contact me? IDK. I know I can't mind read to figure out why she's doing but that really seems like the only semi-logical reason I can come up with.