I've been thinking about the question Sandi2 asked about what kind of a mother my w is and a couple examples come to mind. It's common when she goes out of town for work to not call home at night and check on the kids. I would think most mothers who have been away from there kids all day would want to call and check on them and tell them goodnight, but she would often forget or fall asleep without calling.
Another thing is our S6 started first grade a couple of weeks ago and has had a difficult time in the mornings. I often drop him off and he is crying and just doesn't want to go. Once he is in class he is fine but I don't know if its separation anxiety or something makes him nervous and scared in the mornings. Anyway, my W has not called or texted me once this school year to check on how he did at school. She did go talk to his teacher one day but she was too busy at work to check to make sure he was ok the other days.
I think even in the best of times her job is first, then the kids and then our marriage. Right now I think its either her job or the OM first and second and our kids are third on her list of priorities.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Does it appear that she is intentionally distancing herself from the children, or is it as if she just doesn't think about their needs? Obviously, she relies on you to take care of all their needs. However, she is abandoning them on an emotional level, whether she sees it or not.
Has she ever cared for the children for a 15 - 24 hr period......without you or another adult there?
There could be even darker passages of her past. Hopefully, the therapist will help her. If she never received counseling for the rape, then it could have impacted how she sees sex.
The anger she has toward her step dad leaving her (through death) could be a sign of something more serious, or maybe she just needs guidance in knowing how to sort her feelings and deal with them. Something has moved her enough to seek help. How long ago since he died? Anger is often a part of grieving. Anger toward that person, or at the situation that caused the death, or at God for allowing it. Death can also trigger something in the past that remained hidden.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Does it appear that she is intentionally distancing herself from the children, or is it as if she just doesn't think about their needs? Obviously, she relies on you to take care of all their needs. However, she is abandoning them on an emotional level, whether she sees it or not.
Has she ever cared for the children for a 15 - 24 hr period......without you or another adult there?
There could be even darker passages of her past. Hopefully, the therapist will help her. If she never received counseling for the rape, then it could have impacted how she sees sex.
The anger she has toward her step dad leaving her (through death) could be a sign of something more serious, or maybe she just needs guidance in knowing how to sort her feelings and deal with them. Something has moved her enough to seek help. How long ago since he died? Anger is often a part of grieving. Anger toward that person, or at the situation that caused the death, or at God for allowing it. Death can also trigger something in the past that remained hidden.
No, I don't think she is distancing herself from the children. I think she doesn't think about their needs. She will be excited to see them but after a while she is off in her own world. If I'm not home she most likely is sitting on the couch watching tv and they are playing by themselves. She doesn't really do much with them. I think she may think by taking them to the store and buying a toy for them as good parenting, but she is not there for their emotional needs.
She has cared for them a few times for long periods but it's not much. I have spent 8-10 hours away on a Saturday doing things and as soon as I would get home she would pass the kids off to me and she would go take a nap.
Last night my S6 asked if she was going to call home and I had to tell him that she was probably busy at work. (she was probably with the OM by this point). She gets home this afternoon/evening from her work trip and I know she will act all excited to see them and ask them about their day, but after an hour she will probably detach from them.
As far as I know she has never received counseling about the rape. She brought it up to me 1 time 12 years ago and it was never mentioned again until she told me her therapist and her talked about it a few weeks ago.
As far as her stepdad, he passed away in 1999 I believe. She said she has been holding this anger in towards him. She has never told anybody about her feelings until she talked to her therapist about it. Also, I believe within 3 or 4 months after her stepdad passed her mom remarried and moved to another state 6 hours away, which left my w and her brother by themselves living with their grandparents. She said she forgives her mom for this, but it's another abandonment issue.
She told me she cheated on boyfriends to get them to leave so she wouldn't be abandoned. It was like she was in control of that. She would find another guy right away and the process would start over. This was in her late teens to early 20's. The pattern stopped when she met me, but she admitted this might be what she is doing again with the OM. Basically, have an affair to get rid of me and start new with someone else.
I have asked her to work on herself and I would work on myself. I have asked her if we get in a better place with ourselves then maybe we can work on our relationship. She said she is not sure if she can do that. I told her I know there are no guarantees we get back together, but I thought we should try at some point. She is a very impatient person, and can't stand this sort of waiting in limbo. She just wants to get things over as soon as she can. She said we should get a divorce then work on each other and then maybe try to get back together. She said a divorce would make her feel like a clean break and starting over again, even if that is with me. I don't really understand her way of thinking. I have an appointment with a therapist next Tuesday and may they will be able to help me out with this.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Today was a day that made me think. My W spent most of the night on the couch with our S6 because he wasn't feeling well. I had to go somewhere for a couple of hours this morning and when I left they were both sleeping on the couch. When I got home she was getting frustrated with our S2 because he was basically acting like a 2 year old. She then left for the gym and came home a couple of hours later.
After she got home a work colleague/friend of hers stopped by to give us a cheesecake she made for my W (her birthday is Tuesday). I sat in the living room with the 2 boys while these women talked. My wife seemed so happy talking to her friend and it made me happy to see that. I sat there and couldn't remember seeing my wife that happy in a long time. Then I started thinking how long I have seen her like that around me and couldn't remember. That was depressing.
Later on my wife took our S6 to urgent care because he still wasn't feeling well while I stayed behind with S2. We found out my S6 has bronchitis.
Since she got home last night we haven't talked about her work trip other than her telling me a funny story that happened at dinner with another work colleague. I have no idea if she took her EA into a PA. Actually, at this point I have no idea if the EA is still going on (although I'm sure it is). I know I had a lot of anger towards her while she was gone on her trip and when she got home last night I couldn't look at her and didn't really say anything to her. She was trying to be nice to me but I can't get the image of her doing something with the OM out of my head.
Without really knowing what is going on with the EA I am not really sure how to act around her. I can't imagine her keeping it from me because I know she would feel so guilty. When she kissed the guy in 2009 she called me after she done it to confess. When she started this EA earlier this month she acted so differently towards me. She had so much anger and she couldn't look at me or talk to me. I knew something was going on although she didn't admit it until I saw the texts. When she got home last night and today she did not act any differently than when she left. I don't know, but maybe that's because she is getting more comfortable with the EA/PA.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Hello Eagle, I'm going thru a similar situation. My wife is having an EA/PA and wants a divorce. I work days but watch our child at night while my wife works. She also thinks nothing will change in the divorce. She thinks I will come over to watch our child while she works and still have family time. The board here seems to think that's 'cake eating'
Get to a lawyer and find out your rights. It made we feel a little better. One our consultation.
Tonight I managed to get into our phone records and I discovered that my W and the OM are still continuing their texts. They've texted each other 2600 times this month. I looked at past cell phone records and his number never shows up, which means this all started at her Vegas work conference. This makes me so sick.
Here attitude has changed towards me lately. She is much more pleasant around me. She actually talks about things, which made me think her EA/PA was over. I am so stupid! I guess I just want to believe these things but I should have known.
Now I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to go into her room and wake her up and tell her I know, but I won't do that. I know why she keeps saying she needs a divorce but can't really give me a good reason. It's because of the OM. She has a business trip where she will be with him in 2 weeks and this is killing me right now. I need to go to bed, but I doubt I will sleep. I love this women but I hate her at the same time.
While looking at the phone records I saw that when I took our S6 to Cub Scout registration last Tuesday and she stayed home to watch our S2 she basically started texting the OM as soon as we left. It makes me sick knowing that she is texting him at all but knowing that she is doing it around our children is just too much to take. I am so frustrated.
Sorry about the rant, but this is hard. I need to go to bed and try to get some sleep.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Brian99, thanks for the response. I read over you situation and they are similar. I agree with the cake eating comment. I know that is what my w is doing.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Well I didn't get much sleep last night. I am just trying to figure out what my next move should be. Part of me wants to just tell her all that I know (she knows that I know about the texts, but she doesn't know that I know they are still going on or how much they have been texting). Then there is a part of me that's wants to let this thing play out, but I think that could be dangerous as she gets more and more involved in the EA/PA. I just don't know how to proceed.
She has gotten very comfortable with her life now. When this all started she was a mess around me. She was angry and didn't want anything to do with me. Now she seems comfortable. It's like we are just roommates (which I guess we are), and she doesn't feel she is hurting me anymore.
I really want to catch her in the act again. I really want to confront the OM, but I don't know if I should do that either.
By looking at her text logs it appears that she has gotten smarter. Most of the texts are when she is out of the house or when I'm not at home.
At this point, I'm not even 100% sure I want to be with her, but I just want the chance to see if we can work this out. I know from reading posts on here (especially Sandi's) that will not be possible if she is still with the OM. I guess I'm worried if I do the wrong thing right now, it might drive her away for good.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's the absolute worst. Can I suggest something, as a person who's made this mistake, now you've seen the phone records- take copies or whatever to use as evidence. But then don't look again, believe me if only causes more pain the more you snoop. You've confirmed now what she is up to- and it hurts like hell. But look after yourself and your sanity and don't look anymore.
I'm in the same situation as you, he's speeding all guns blazing to get a d, maybe they do this to ease some of the guilt. Idk. But the best thing that you can do is to take care of yourself. Like cadet says, the more we seem to hold on, the more they rebel against her. And anger, well that only gives them a reason to justify their feelings- don't give her that satisfaction
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
