I'm right there with you, Gump, especially about the kids. I feel like my W is looking at D as a way to have 50% less childcare, and I can't sleep nights worrying about what will happen to them. That's her fog -- I know she loves them more than she loves themselves, but I think she's really, really over her current life and feels compelled to shake it up. Maybe I can ride out the storm long enough for her to come to, who knows?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
ForGump -- that behavior is part and parcel of the WW from what I'm learning. Really, what would you expect from someone so deep in the fog and so Self-absorbed that she would cheat, thinks little to nothing about impact on you or your children and is apparently wishing for D -- with no real regard for the consequences -- like we used to long for Christmas when we were kids? I posted in lt0402's thread that it might be helpful at times to view her and this behavior like Marlin Perkins might observe an exotic African animal on the the Sarenghetti. They really are that far out -- and it keeps you at a healthy(ier) distance, emotionally.
JRuss, you have no idea how many times I've used this! Silly as it sounds, it's really helped instill some humor in some of the more ridiculous things I've witnessed. I tip my hat to you sir!
Originally Posted By: ForGump
OK I have thought this before, and I know it's a common phenomenon among WW's, but I don't think I've said it:
My WW is behaving like a jerk to me. She treats me like she's annoyed or angry at me all the time. She's curt in everything she says. I think she has to do this to distance herself from me, and because she needs to feel contempt for me to justify her leaving me.
Really makes me wonder where the woman I married went....
FG, first, I'm sorry you're having to experience this. As you know, I've been going through the same w/ my WW and it's absolutely brutal. I think you're spot on that they use it to justify all of the out of character things they are doing on their end. If they can de-humanize us, it lines up nicely with the story they're trying to spin in their minds.
From reading other's stories, it seems like standing up for yourself respectfully and bettering yourself shakes up the story they're working on. Maybe when you make it so blatantly obvious that you are not a horrible person it starts to focus their spotlight back on them and their faults. Add to that some level of detachment and you continue to shake the foundation of what they've built. Probably stating the obvious, but it all comes back to focusing on ourselves and trying to survive their onslaught without it phasing us.
I'm not detached, but I can see the validity to getting there. I do feel that day by day we are all getting closer, even as our WWs try to suck us back into their vortex. It's getting to the point where they can't pull us back in that's tough.
Hang in there brother and sorry for the crap you're having to go through!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
remember it's a long road and will most likely get worse but as long as we are the ones doing the driving its as good as it gets.
We are very much in the same position in so many ways I am also at a point where I am truly letting go it feels good and bad at the same time. The thing that helps me keep moving forward is that we do not have the ability to control what they do and regardless of if I let her cake eat or stand my ground she will do what ever she wants until SHE wants to change.
the thing with this is and I can really see it now I believe with my W it make take years before she realizes and by then I will be done. It's a sad reality but I was fine before I met her and I will be fine after she's gone. The one thing like you that hurts me is my D2 and how it affects her. Knowing that both myself and my W will always put my D2 first and she is everything to us I know she will be ok because I will never use her or put myself ahead of her.
It's my only shinning light in an otherwise dim landscape.
Stay strong people this ride will end.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
remember it's a long road and will most likely get worse but as long as we are the ones doing the driving its as good as it gets.
We are very much in the same position in so many ways I am also at a point where I am truly letting go it feels good and bad at the same time. The thing that helps me keep moving forward is that we do not have the ability to control what they do and regardless of if I let her cake eat or stand my ground she will do what ever she wants until SHE wants to change.
the thing with this is and I can really see it now I believe with my W it make take years before she realizes and by then I will be done. It's a sad reality but I was fine before I met her and I will be fine after she's gone. The one thing like you that hurts me is my D2 and how it affects her. Knowing that both myself and my W will always put my D2 first and she is everything to us I know she will be ok because I will never use her or put myself ahead of her.
It's my only shinning light in an otherwise dim landscape.
Stay strong people this ride will end.
albac - this is exactly the truth and truly how I am feeling today. All of my methods seems to offer some gain and some retreat. The only one I have not tried is complete isolation, which I am thinking about right now.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
It's definitely a process to create detachment while also being a lighthouse for the WS. I slipped up a LOT in the beginning and would engage when WH was being venomous. Eventually I began to view him as one of my delusional patients, they can be very nasty and accusing. They've created these false beliefs in their heads and get defensive when these beliefs are challenged. It helped me remember that WH's behavior was a symptom of something going on inside him and had nothing to do with me. Now I am seeing him peek through the fog and start to realize that while I am not perfect, I am not the villain he tried to paint me as.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Well, said. My IC reassured me that even though I have faults, my H would probably be doing the exact same things because he is battling his own demons right now.
Marlin Perkins! Classic! Yes, definitely, that's the viewpoint I need to adopt.
It makes me wonder who the real person is/was, though. Was this who she was all along, just repressed to make marriage work? Or has she entered into some wild mental state now? My IC believes there is a long track record ... and I think she's right. This is some feral state of mind she's entered into, but it fits a long term pattern of personality issues.
I am feeling more prepared than ever to let her go, and move on w/ my life. The only problem is I feel it will be devastating for my kids.
I feel you on both of those thoughts. Hang in there.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I took off work early and had a fun time w/ my son at a community swimming pool for a couple of hours. Yes I miss my wife, yes I miss the affection of a woman, and her touch. But splashing in the water in warm afternoon sunshine with your kid giggling -- there is nothing more fulfilling than that.
When I checked my phone as I was toweling off, I saw got a mini-bomb drop in my email. I thought it'd cut off me off at my knees like a daisy cutter, but I remained standing. My W asked in an email -- very politely and meekly -- if I had a chance to look over the DIY divorce paperwork.
And I may know something about the timing and the tone of the email. I had a long conversation earlier today w/ my FIL -- who is pretty close to my W -- about her emotional and mental state (anxiety, depression, and possible BPD). He was very concerned that my W had highly unrealistic ideas about life after the divorce, and agreed she needs professional help. He said he'll talk to her. I told him I'm not seeking a quick fix, it's about her long-term health, and that I don't want to know what transpires between the two of them. I'm guessing he talked to her this afternoon, and she wrote her email to me after that.
After getting my S for bed, I went for a long run in dusk. I stewed about having to work on my own D papers, and got angry. Why the hell should I proactively participate in cutting myself out of 50% of my kids' lives? Who the hell cares if it'll cost me more money. I want to make a stand. Let her f#@$@ litigate. I am not going to lift a f@#$@# finger to have her rob me of access to my kids. I didn't do anything bad in our marriage to deserve this. I did not cheat, I did not have any addiction, I did not drown kittens. I'm guilty of trying to f@#$#@ hard to care of my W and the family. Guilty of being a doormat. I don't deserve to have my kids robbed from me for that.
As I climbed the long final hill to my house, though, much of that anger dissipated, and I'm mostly back to where I was before: I don't know what to do. Half of me says to work out the details of the D with her, just so that she gets to see concretely what the future will be for her when she goes from a SAHM to a divorcee: 40 hrs/wk at a minimum wage job, lose our current house, move to a crappier place, see kids only after work and on alternating weekends. The other half says I can't proactively cut my kids out of my life.
WWSD? (What would Sandi2 do?)
I'm going to sleep on it.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I'm so sorry man. I think the same things. This is why I don't sleep well. Keep up the running. It is definitely therapeutic. Hang in there.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
ForGump -- she wants the D to be DIY, right? I think I'm remembering that. What does she say about alimony/child support? That's an extra blow the courts can throw down on dads: pay your ex who blew up your marriage and life while she "looks for a job". That's a complicating factor the courts can throw into the works where you're hoping that a WW feels the impact of the D; they get paid, by you, to "look" for a job, which motivates a lot of people to look very little, unenthusiastically, etc. Just something to consider as you go over your options.
Hang in there -- this all truly [censored].
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
