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Alright now. I have been hiding long enough and now I am here to attempt to come out of hiding so to speak.

It has been a challenging month for me, in the sense that there is a battle raging inside me. My demons are doing a number on me and it is all I can do to muster up a good face for the outside and hold down the boiling of worries that plague me.
Basically I feel like I am walking around in a fake shell putting up a front so that everyone will believe that I am going fine and will move on with things.

My support group that I have had has dwindled down to,...... well,..... it's gone.
It was small to begin with, and now it is gone.
My close friend from work moved to Oregon for a a great opportunity.

My brother has faded in availability now that he has settled to his new home and job in Florida.

My parents have gotten through very challenging time with my mothers cancer, which she has beat down like a boss and has been diagnosed as officially cancer free. (my prayers were answered)
But the emotional toll has really changed them. My father is very negative when we speak, and my mother almost sounds as if she is sad that she survived the cancer. So I don't reach out as often and when I do, they are very hard to get a hold of.

My childhood friend has reached a critical point in his MR as it has now been almost 2 and half years since the BD for him and finding out he had a WW. So most conversations with him are about him and his desire to see that she is trying or he wants to walk away.

My IC says there really is nothing more he can do for me and kind of blew me off. He is working with my D18 and she has been pleased after a couple of sessions so that is good.
I have not had the heart to seek out another, as I don't know what else there is to talk about.
I want off the AD's, but doc wants to wait one more month until after D is done.
I won't go into that nonsense right now, but will say, I wish it would just hurry up and be done. The angry WAW comments are becoming a thorn in my side that just keeps pricking the hell out of me. But I do not react nor respond, so there is that.

But anyway, I have hit the realization that I have withdrawn, as is my pattern in life and I am finding comfort in simply being alone, by myself. Comfort being alone, but feeling lonely when with people. Not sure how to process this.
But, the alone time is when I start fighting in my head about my lack of progress in life.
Ugh!!! It is a vicious circle that I can not seem to shake.

I ramble now, and my purpose was to pop in and thank my tribe (as Vanilla would say) for the support they share with me. I am eternally grateful for each of you that stop in to check on me and for the kind words. It is the sincerest support that I have felt since the time of the BD for me.

I have come in many times to interact and then would get caught up reading others situations and go into mr fix it mode and try and lend my help.
I think I do that to avoid my own issues. Or maybe Bluwave is on to something as it relates the the Mr. Nice guy syndrome. I am not entirely sure.

But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.
I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!

So, I am going to focus on thanking each of you for your support.

Phoebe. My dear Phoebe. My rock and my dearest friend and partner as we have been walking through hell. I know that a higher power placed you in my path and you have been instrumental in keeping me sane. I have been watching you (again that sounds creepy) through your thread and my heart and my head fight over what to say and share with you. You have come so far and have done so much to get through the nightmare. I will just say, I hope you can step back a bit and really look into the message of the person you should marry first. Do not become to dependent on temporary comfort or companionship to get through the pain. It can be like painkillers after surgery. They make you feel so good, but then you become addicted to something that is not good for you.
Slow down a bit.
Challenge yourself to take on some of the pain and chaos on your own.
This will prove that you can.
This will be the test to determine the level of healing you have achieved.
This is where you make big gains in strength and confidence.
Be cautious.
Get back to some basics of self love.
meditation, studying information that strengthens you, facing yourself.
You are a wonderful person.

Vanilla, I miss you and your wisdom. I know you have been dealing with some challenges of your own, and I send my prayers out to you everyday. I hope that you reach a peaceful place and I hope to converse again with you in the near future.

JksD.
You joined my tribe a bit later in the journey, but I just love your humor, cherish your wisdom and the GAL challenges are the best.
I will look into this geisha move. I will of course be stubborn and try it with the caveman hairy legs and see where that gets me. I have noticed that you are also in a down place of late and my prayers go out to you. I hope we can get back at the Gal challenges and sharing of wisdom soon. Be well until then.

Sara. Finally you have updated your name. It sounds very Super heroish and I love it.
You have also been a busy bee taking on so much. Your WH is very much a yoyo now and I pray every time I notice an update from you that he is snapping out of it with actions instead of words.
Stay the course. I have not seen a DBer in my time do so much with so little and still appear to be closer to successfully busting a D. I am here rooting my guts out for you.

Cherry, hang in there sister. You are one sassy mama and I know that you will come out on top. The WH of yours is simply an idiot I am sorry to say. I know you love him, but he is gonna have to learn the hard way. Keep that chin up and thank you for your support.

rich, you have popped in many times in my time here. I appreciate the ongoing support and words of encouragement when you are in the neighborhood.

Ripe. This really touched my heart when I read it.
Quote:
SH
Just came here because I had to tell you that you are a wonderful human being.
Thank you for being with us here.

I had thought of you just recently as it had been awhile since you posted in your thread. How are you? I know the last we heard you were at a huge crossroad.
You and your family remain in my prayers and I hope that you find it a benefit to return when you are ready as your insightful knowledge and consistent seeking of beautiful and wise knowledge has always been a source of strength to me when I read it.
Be well my friend and I hope to converse with you soon.

roist.
I have failed in my commitment to you after reaching out for your guidance.
Strike that, I have not failed, because I ave not given up, but I have been neglectful in my commitment.
I am at a crossroad that will require changes in approach and direction. I will look to you as your insight is of great value to me. I will be pulling the assignment you shared with me tonight and printing it so that I must face it until I complete it.
It is time to face the man in the mirror. It is time to solve my own riddles.
I can not truly help others, if I can not conquer my own demons and dark passengers.

As sandi2 mentioned in another thread, folks may start thinking I learned from her the art of the long post. crazy So I will close this one for the evening and return tomorrow with some updates and journaling from the past month.

Thank you all that have supported me and I look to try the community from a different angle.
One of positivity, support and self help. smile
This appears to be my support group at this time. I will lean here as I gather my strength and energy to create one IRL.

I saw this and think it is appropriate for me to focus on and use as my mantra for my battle.

"Your strongest muscle and worst enemy is your mind. Train it well."


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Welcome back. Beneath all the .... ramblings and moans, I hear an undeniable envy to better yourself. That will shine through and help you do the necessary.

You have pointed out some stuff you question about yourself.The withdrawal. This is an inbuilt mechanism that you have surely enhanced and strengthened throughout your life. It is automatic. Realising it is not helping you is the first step to breaking this habit. But to override this programming will take consistent effort, but it can be done.

I would not be hard on yourself for wanting to help others here. By the way here you cannot be Mr Fixit, because everyone here came here for help and to grow. When you need to focus on you, you will. If you want to distract yourself then why not help others in doing so.

As for my suggestion, it is just that a suggestion.It is also something that will take time and effort. When you are ready, it will still be there. It is easy and unhelpful to procrastinate but so too is pressurising yourself to do something. When you are ready, I am confident you will do the necessary to succeed.

Lastly, maybe there is a divorce group in your area where you can find support until your own network is rebuilt.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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Originally Posted By: SH_
But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.
I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!

Hurt people hurt others, kind of like kicking the dog, even though he gives unconditional love.

Not the first or last time this has happened.

We all heal at our own pace and in our own ways.

LBS also goes through all the stages of grief and some will deny, some will bargain, some will avoid and some will cycle through all the stages.

It is all normal, congrats for seeing it above.

Great post!!


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SH_,

I never would've guessed that you wrestled with so much inner turmoil. Your posts are typically insightful, eloquent, and cordial. When I go through rough patches, I tend to withdraw as well. However, I've never felt like my tendency to withdraw was detrimental to healing. I've always used my withdrawn periods for introspection as well as an opportunity to look at issues from different perspectives.

I'm scheduled for mediation next week, and although I've felt like I've been my usual self, I've noticed that my productivity, at home and at work, has dropped dramatically over the past week. My volume of work output has remained about the same, but my mistakes have markedly increased, thus my productivity is down. In the vernacular, I'm screwing up a lot. Time to withdraw and introspect... smile

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Originally Posted By: SH_
But anyway, I have hit the realization that I have withdrawn, as is my pattern in life and I am finding comfort in simply being alone, by myself. Comfort being alone, but feeling lonely when with people. Not sure how to process this.
But, the alone time is when I start fighting in my head about my lack of progress in life.
Ugh!!! It is a vicious circle that I can not seem to shake.



Why would you say, that you are like that ?




Originally Posted By: SH_

I have come in many times to interact and then would get caught up reading others situations and go into mr fix it mode and try and lend my help.
I think I do that to avoid my own issues. Or maybe Bluwave is on to something as it relates the the Mr. Nice guy syndrome. I am not entirely sure.


OPS buddy....

Other People's Shidt..

It's a trap that is easily fallen into here.

Ever read a thread, and think "damn, that sounds just like my wife" , and then for some strange reason, we tend to expect it to happen to us. We go down that Rabbit Hole, and wait, hell, maybe even WORK to make it happen ....

Watch your expectations, be it expecting something good, or expecting something bad....

For me ?

It was when I got to be totally honest with myself, and what was going on around me, that I got a firm grip on that.

For the fixing aspect ?

Something I try to ask now, is...

Does this person want it fixed, or do they just want to vent...

Which leads me to....


Originally Posted By: SH_

But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.

I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!


Yea.....I'm not understanding the dis-respect of late.

I'm not saying that any of us vets should be on a pedastol...

However....

We have been there, done that...held ourselves accountable for our actions...

We are where you ( not you per se) want to get to...

There MIGHT be some valuable information there.....

So maybe you shouldn't STFU on this one....

I'm pretty quick to call BS when I see it...

I am also pretty quick anymore, to wish luck and walk away from some guy who wants to roll around in the pity-party sandbox...





Originally Posted By: SH_
"Your strongest muscle and worst enemy is your mind. Train it well."


You are well on your way...



SH....YOU are the hero of your own story...

You get to write the rest of your book...

What do you want it to say ???

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Batman is the hero of *my* story.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Ah...feeling lonely when with people. Interesting thought...

Perhaps an introvert? Where you like this when out together with WAW?

I ask becuz I am sometimes the same way. Out with others but not present. And sometimes prefer to be doing my own thing by myself. More now than when I was with my STBX She was the extrovert. I was the extravert/introvert...and is was tiring.

I am only guessing this is a phase of the healing process and I would also say just the mental volleyball and exhaustion you and others go thru with this entire process. And pile on top of that all the other challenges (ie mom's cancer) being thrown at you. There is only so much the brain and body can take at times before you go caveman and hide.

You will find the "thing" that snaps you back into place. I am guessing it will just take some time and unfortunately that is the great unknown. Taking a break from it all is not a bad thing. I stopped going to my IC for a bit as I just needed to stop talking about all of this. STOP!!! ah...that feels better

Take a break...breathe...and rest the mind!


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Good evening.

roist,

All good points and in line with my forward focus and the abstract vision of my goals.
I do know that it is a defense mechanism for me to withdraw and look inward. I have done this for as long as I can recall.
Maybe it was all the moving around my family did when I was young and the challenges and trauma I would go through to work so hard to make a friend only to see them go. The harder I would work to find a new friend or two the more I had to adapt and try and fit in and it became exhausting trying to repeat the process so frequently.
I see the result now as I can engage and meet new folks with ease, but I am always the outsider coming to a new group and typically feel like the third wheel. After 20 years with my w, I never felt like I fit in with her family. I was the odd one out basically being the only spouse that was not from her hometown and having grown up with her family.
Anyway, point is I know you are correct and that it can be changed. I am trying to read and learn better habits for connecting socially. I do desire a close social connection where I feel a part of something more than the lost puppy scratching at the door to be let in.

The mr fix it thing. Also spot on. I know in my heart that I can not fix it for others. I believe my intent is not to do so, initially. But I get caught up when I perceive that I can see the answer clear as day and I just want them to as well. Again, it is the immature 5 year old mind that kicks in before I know it. People see the answer when they are ready and it almost never at the " convincing " from another.
This too, I am focused on working on. I am reading MWD other book Change your life and Everyone in it for a better mindset and approach for this.

I am working to strike the balance between the procrastination and pressure that I set myself up for. That is one of the battles that rage in me. One I will continue to be mindful of, as progress, even if slow, is still progress.
I just need to get out of the muck now. Time will not stop for me. And I want to enjoy every moment I have left. And action, is that which I desire to help me do so.
Thank you roist. Your thoughts are always wise and insightful. They help bring clarity to my vision, while helping me remain focused forward.

Cadet.
Always a pleasure when you drop by my pad here. I do know that you are correct in that each LBS must go through their cycle. And while many of the stages are of the same flavor. The intensity and pattern of the cycle will vary. I only hope that some level of respect is maintained when they are railing against the turmoil even if they cannot wrap their head around it.
Of late it just seems to me the intensity and frequency of disrespect had gone up. But I know that my time here in the neighborhood has been short all things relative, and so the full moon of insanity I am sure has risen many more times and the vets and long timers here have seen it all before.
I just have to do what I do as a parent with my children when they toss that tantrum.
Back away
Pay it no mind.
When the eyes of a sane person return, address it with them, hug it out and move forward.

I will enter a new post for my chat with Mach1, so as not to ramble on with this entry.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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SH, i see that we have both decided to check back in a about the same time. I am very, very glad to see you here.

I am way behind, and I have to admit that I just rad your first long post and had to jump in to say hello. I will read the rest tomorrow and be back.
Tomorrow is shaping up to be a day that started very early for me and may run late, but I am definitely in good of some SH time.

I get exactly what you are saying to me, Sage Homme. I need some time out of myself to consider what exactly is going on with me. Carving that time out is proving to be difficult... and right now I need to be sleeping.

Good night.

((((((Sweet Human))))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
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Thank you Mach1 for your comments, thoughts and advice.
It is nice to have someone that has gone through to the other side share.

You ask why I might feel withdrawing is my way.

This is a good question and one I debate with myself over frequently.
Some say I am introverted, but I have extroverted tendencies.
I feel more at peace and it requires less energy when I am alone and reading or engaged in activities of the mind.
I enjoy people, but typically I feel like an outsider. I prefer to listen and observe more than engage and participate.
Although I do get caught up over talking when a topic of interest may arise.
I am challenged in creating balance.
I over think and feel pressure to "perform" in the moment, where I feel more confident when I have time to process it all.
I mention in the previous post my childhood constant moving and that may be where I picked up bad rendancies.
I am aware of the challenge. I want to change it and seek out ways to do so.

OPS.
Now that is something I will remember.
I appreciate the way you put it here.
I know coming in I was desperate to find a sitch that was like mine. Maybe because I could find answers that way. Maybe so I did not feel alone in my struggle. Or maybe, I wanted to just prove to myself I was not crazy and completely at fault.
I don't know that I have found any just like my sitch. I have found similarities. But not the exact same.
Your point about reading in and then matching it to me or my sitch does have meaning to me.
I backed off on reading some material, because I started to take general info and make it match me and my sitch. I wanted answers and it could find them, or as you say, I would start acting in a manner so it would match.
So, if I u destined you correctly, a good approach is to back up a little. Look inward and clarify things inside without the " taint" of so many other ideas and suggestions. This can help me pin down more " truth" and clarity of what it is I am up against from within. Then I can better win the battle inside by working on what I know to be true and accurate.
Now this make sense.

Alright, maybe I won't STFU when I see disrespect as there really is no place for this regardless. But I will speak up in a calm manner and step back from the tantrum u till the cooler heads can prevail.

Thank you Mach1 for the vote of confidence and support.

I do have an idea what the hero will do next in this story.
I have a why, and now I must take action.
I know the strongest hero stories typically have the hero that must conquer oneself, before facing the foe.
I know in my heart, that this I must do.
There are some good people counting on me.

rich, yes the introvert in me is strong. I am aware. And I a working to accept it not as a curse, but as part of what I am, and then use it to my advantage.
Yes, I see that I was like this with WAW. Sometimes because I would prefer to be somewhere else. Other times because our conversations struggled as we really were galaxies apart on what constituted a grown up conversation. That is a point for another time.
I do hold onto hope that you are on point with something out there that will snap me back. I am still in a limbo stage of sort, with the d dragging out and my desire not to rush into a new relationship u till both feet are firmly planted on the ground.
Thank you again for your thoughts. It is good food for thought for me.

PM, Batman is a great choice and one that I would agree with. Because I like his bank account and butler, but right now, my hero seems more like the hulk.
A raging battle inside, green is my favorite color, and yet, the hulk is a compassionate good beast underneath the rage. No matter how much he smashes, he still wants to take care of those near and dear to him.

I appreciate the support and new "faces" as I try to return here for support, journaling and a place to start picking up some of my pieces .

"The first and best victory is to conquer self. To be conquered by self is, of all things, the most shameful and vile." ~Plato


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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