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Phoebe Offline OP
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So yesterday was a better day, and then today has been sort of middling thus far. Talked to a L and then l-friend and ended up feeling enough anger for WH's actions lately that it triggered me to start crying again. Anger and someone I care about leads to tears for me. Yuck.

I've had significant contact with my legal team since I was served, and there is this feeling of new-found urgency that is making things feel much worse. WH has found a new out of state L who is apparently much more aggressive, and, conveniently, expensive, and also a L that is local, so now there are 4 Ls hard at work. Sigh. What a freaking nightmare this has turned into. So much for the man who wanted to make sure everything we did was "collaborative." I am just back to feeling utterly disgusted by this whole thing and I am so ready to be at a point where I don't have to think about this every single day. There is something just deeply unsettling about having to strategize against someone that I spent 25 years sharing my life with, because I know that he's doing the same. He has one advantage, however, I think he's been building strategy for a long time, whereas all this is all brand new for me.

Now, hey presto, I'm the opponent? WTF?

I did a bunch more legal tasks for that rapidly-expanding set of requirements, and then I drove out to meet L-friend for a bike ride, during which we were flagged down by R-friend. (She was actually the person that introduced me to him- she's back in my camp again, in case Iforgot to mention that. She invited me to a dinner party at her place on Sunday, which was great.) We all talked for a bit, and then l-friend and I headed off for a nice dinner. We'd both been having a pretty tough day, so it was good to get outdoors and get some good exercise and then be able to spend some time talking.

Today I was just having a hard time with the sheer amount of time, money, and life energy that this D process is eating up. It is truly absurd in every single way. L-friend assures me that it will probably be wrapped up by the end of the year, but I have significant doubts. He is also urging me to consider contacting WH to discuss the need to stop the madness and start talking about how we can get this wrapped up in the quickest and least expensive way. Let me just say that the idea of contacting WH directly makes me feel kind of ill. I'm all about choosing the high road, and right now, I fear that if I see or talk to him that I might be tempted to stray from the dignified path. My little bit of simmering anger might turn into a raging volcano, given the opportunity, particularly after the process service episode. Theres nothing like being treated like a criminal to stoke the fire.

As usual, it's super late (2:30), and I need to hit the hay. One of these day I am going to try to be in bed by midnight. Dare to dream...

I


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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SH_ Offline
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Crazy STBXH alert!!!

I hope you are going to come back here some day and pull this stuff and have a hollywood movie made.
You can't make this sh!7 up!!! WOW!!!

Anyway, I have been reading since it happened, so it was delayed reaction here on my part and probably over did it. wink
But hey, your my bestie here and we need some laughs, both of us.

We seemed to have more of those back when the darkness of hell itself was closing in on us. And now? What the heck?
We are wandering off keeping busy to keep it all down.

So, here is my challenge to you.
Lets make some funny around here and in the words of the late and great Heath Ledger,
"Why so serious!?"
"Lets put a smile on that face." smile

Only we will do it without the insanity of the twisted Joker character. grin

I Hope you are doing well, and I am committing to you to check into my thread and yours daily.
I need it right now.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Oct 2014
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Four L's - heck! I would keep things calm and steady at your end. Use your L wisely and be clear about achieving reasonable outcomes - persist towards those.

XH suggested a few daft settlements, but once he saw a L, he proposed a reasonable one, and I agreed to that. Then he went back to a couple of daft ones, but we reminded of the reasonable one and that's what we settled for.

There were things I let go of - 000's spent on visiting OW and I felt he overestimated his incoming assets (mine were clear and undisputable.) However, overall I feel it was fair. XH of course may feel I stripped him of many assets....but I feel at peace with how things unfolded. Ultimately we went for a simple formula (suggested by XH) - total assets - minus my incoming (I keep) minus XH incoming (he keeps) and the rest shared 50/50.

I also had in mind the agreed death benefits. Had he died (ie: no fault of his own, during the M, I would have received around this amount). Again that felt fair. Also guiding me was the thought - I'm not going to be cheated on AND stitched up in a settlement.

But I was pretty calm and minimal throughout - though I used to spin a little when I had to persist for what I felt was right...

Hope some of this helps anyway and it sounds like you are doing well. These are difficult times that will get better.

(((Hugs)))) xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Phoebe, hugs to you. I'm also angry and feel like crying today. It can get hard to keep a PMA going when you're confronted with being treated badly, and I think it's okay to allow yourself a vent and a cry before you trudge on.

((((((P))))))

The best thing for me can be a very entertaining movie or going to a beach. Both of those things really take me out of my own head to where I get a proper break.

I want to go see Florence Foster Jenkins, the new Meryl Streep movie. Maybe I'll get my son to go with me tonight.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Phoebe Offline OP
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Yes, I've definitely had a few occasions to both vent and cry since the process server event.

Every time I pull into my driveway now, I just keep seeing that white car going around me and blocking me in, now knowing WH was at the helm.

I am up to my eyeballs in this legal morass, and feel like I get caught up with letters and comments and calls to one L or another, only to get behind again a few minutes later. My living room floor is covered with documents and I am just plain tired.

Gotta go to my weekly meeting with my mom.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Phoebe, can you do something to change the view a little to banish that image? I'm thinking, put out a planter or a gazing ball, garden flag, solar lights - just something that will catch your eye when you come home to make you smile and replace your traumatic experience with something else.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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SH_ Offline
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Good evening my dear Phoebe!
I'm checking in as promised.
I hope you are pacing yourself and providing the very needed self love.
Have you slowed down long enuff for a chocolate meditation?
How about our other favorite meditation maybe? wink

I am here for ya when you are in a place to check in.

Sleep tight.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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Phoebe Offline OP
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Painter, I like your idea about changing the view a bit. I'll have to put my mind to it and see if I can tweak things just a little bit.

Well, altogether, it's been a marginal kind of day. I just don't feel physically well, I'm drowning in the legal sea, down, frustrated, just found out that my WH had yet another destination he traveled to repeatedly in 2015 (more toll plaza data), and I am just plain sick to death of everything to do with this whole mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP, and I'd like to talk to her about starting to taper my ADs, and yet here I am, struggling more again. Ugh. Never mind that the appointment is at 9 am, an hour from my house, and I can barely get to sleep before 3 am theses days. I normally avoid morning appointments like the plague, but I booked this one last week when I was trying to be seen by anyone, and I decided to keep it because it was so hard to get in the first place.

After my GP, my plan is to go over to R-friend's place for some lunch and then we're going to a local fair, where l-friend will meet me in the evening. So, I'll certainly be busy all day tomorrow, which will keep me from thinking too much about all the rest of this.

L-friend just called me because he's worried about me blaming myself. He keeps telling me that this wasn't my fault, but I just feel like I was so incredibly naive. I was trusting and my WH took full advantage of that quality. It's just been a discouraging stretch of days again.

SH, I'm afraid that I didn't do a chocolate meditation. Instead I downed a pint of Ben and Jerry's this afternoon while I was trying to work on a set of notes for my L about the history of my M in 2015. Not surprisingly, eating the entire pint didn't make me feel better...

I'm about to head to bed because it's going to be a very long day tomorrow, but I will definitely pull up and listen to the f*ck that meditation before I go to sleep.

Wouldn't you know it that the week I'm having a tough time, my therapist is out of town? And just last week he was saying how good I seemed. I was almost wondering if he was going to talk to me about cutting back on the frequency of visits, but was waiting to see if it lasted a bit longer. Short answer: nope. didn't last. smile

I haven't cried in weeks, and since I got served a week ago I've been back to the old waterworks most days. Luckily it's not the fire hydrant variety of yore, but it's still enough to make me feel vulnerable again. My emotions are just bubbling up here, there, and everywhere.

Fingers crosses for better things tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone and I hope that the day brings you peace tomorrow.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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SH_ Offline
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Good morning Phoebe!

Slow down.
Take a moment and look at what is happening around you.
Is being so busy, helping you get to where you want to be?
Or is it just another roller coaster zipping you around in circles?
This roller coaster is in your control.

Have you sat down recently and evaluated your personal goals?
What is it that you need?
What is it that you want?
What is it that can add joy to your life and soul?

I am getting the perception that GAL for you has become more about staying busy to ease the pain, than it is about creating a good journey towards finding yourself and creating self joy and love.

I may be wrong, but I am praying for you as your updates and journaling have a sense of franticness.
GAL, IMHO is about creating peace, joy and a sense of self.
Are you experiencing any of this?

(((((Phoebe)))))

I will be back this evening to check in with my dear friend Phoebe.
Hugs


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
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Phoebe

I am sorry all these emotions are causing you to be restless. Just know you will get through this.

((((Phoebe))))


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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