Upwards & Onwards; It Never Rains Forever

[HaWho]

So good to hear about the custody decision! It is reassuring to know there are safety nets in place for our children. I am sure that is a great burden lifted off your shoulders.

Keep taking care of you and your kids!

[Kyh]

Thanks Hawho. Yes, I feel so much better, it's such a relief and I feel like I have a new place to work from. I didn't realize how much this was taking out of me. I've been exhausted all weekend.

W came over yesterday morning and stayed into the afternoon. We took the kids to the park for awhile and ended up talking a little more. W kept looking at jobs and places to live. Showing them to me and asking me what I thought. Sometimes she would make comments about how she didn't know what she was going to do and where she would live. I can't help but thinking about some of the things she said this weekend. A few are:
-"I don't want to go back to the way things were before." I told her I didn't either because it got us to where we are at. I didn't say any more but wanted to say I wanted something better for us.
-She told me she was happy for me with some of the changes I've made.
-She told me separating has been hard and she hasn't always been happy separating and it has been hard.
-She told me she wasn't over our friend's death. It was a year yesterday so I'm sure that added to her stress.

I hope this was a wake up for her, she certainly didn't expect it. She has a black eye. She told me when she read the letter she screamed and threw herself on her bed and hit her face. She sounded bad again tonight, idk if it's depression or if she's turned mad towards me, I guess it's not my problem if she's mad.

I'm sticking to working on bettering myself but honestly I hope there will be a better chance of her seeing it since she will be closer. I keep reminding myself this didn't happen overnight and it won't go away overnight. Tying to keep my expectations low and take the high road even though the first part of that is difficult.

[Kyh]

After a couple good days this weekend w is back in the mlc swing of things. I know she is upset and I suspect her friend(s) are most likely validating her and not helping; such is mlc, she's mad at me for her actions. She acts depressed then angry and keeps making various comments, a lot of them about how it isn't fair I went to grad school while she worked (we could make this happen for her now if we worked on things) and now asking to be allowed to see or talk to the kids which is ridiculous. She was also acting like I took this week from her, she offered it then made plans because she didn't consider she might not get recommended custody. I mostly kept quiet and let her try to justify her blaming me. I wonder if she even listened to herself, ridiculous.

Last weekend we planned on her coming to see the kids tonight. My babysitter went to see her grandmother yesterday afternoon so my sister came to watch the kids today. I texted with w last night, and told her and since she was going to be in town this week asked if she wanted to watch them and offered her my house. She sounded really depressed, then said she would like that "if the kids wanted to see her."

D has had a fever on and off since Monday. This afternoon she seemed to be getting worse so I took her to the dr. She has a throat infection. I've kept w informed all week and then today when I left work. She acted like she didn't want to see my sister or dad (honestly I didn't want him to see her either, he's not handling this well and he's upset with me for agreeing to share custody thinking I will get taken advantage of and definitely not DBing, it's so easy for others to want you to give up) so I figured out how to get home with d, then have w come over while trying not to be rude or ungrateful. She came by, it must have been just minutes after I got home, and then waited a couple blocks away at the kids' school. She was then mad at me. All of this must have been 10-15 minutes. After she was here I ran to get d's prescription and when I got back she was angry, d's fever got scary high and she had to get her cooled down which I guess is my fault. after I sat down d got up and came over to have me hold her. W got mad and stomped off to the bathroom. I held her awhile then asked if her mom could hold her so I could make dinner. W said "does she even want me too?" She stayed awhile after but seemed mad the whole time. She asked about staying the night w d, I told her idk you seem really agitated with me. She said no, then her attitude changed a little. I told her I could handle it and would call if she wanted. She told me she had been up since 4am, hadn't eaten all day, and wasn't sleeping lately so she'd probably be up anyway and to call her at 2. Then she told me she wasn't going to do any chores at my house the next day. I laughed and said I sure wasn't expecting it but that I was behind on laundry (lol, she wasn't when she lived here in Mlc land either) It kind of broke the ice for a little while and she left on a slightly better note but she was pretty awful tonight.

Maybe offering her the house to come over here to watch the kids was a mistake. I'm not trying to take them away from her like she was to me and she hadn't had them in over 2 weeks so I thought it would be nice. idk, I guess I will see how tomorrow goes. Tonight was defiantly a reminder to reach deeper for patience and to keep my eyes open.

D seems better, her fever has stayed down for awhile now and she is sleeping. Hopefully her antibiotic will start working, poor girl, she felt awful today.

[AJM]

Glad to hear your daughter seems to be on the mend. Sorry she doesn't seem to be feeling well.

Seems quite the roller coaster lately, no? I think you're doing a fantastic job of listening and staying on an even keel. I do know how hard that is.

You do realize the battle is not with you, right? I think it helps to remember that when you see this back and forth and all over the place with the emotions and behavior.

Remember you didn't create it and you can't end it. What you are doing is spot on, although there are no rules with MLC. It is what it is and it takes as long as it takes. Causes and effects are seemingly random and will remain that way until they are over. She seems a long way from the end of that tunnel.

While it is worrying when she seems so depressed, try not to worry. She's an adult and may need that. Also know that anger is one way of dealing with that level of emotions. Really nothing to do with you.

Keep up the good work.


AJ

[Kyh]

Thanks for the reply AJ. It's nice to have encouragement that I'm handling things well.

Yes, quite the roller coaster. I think the guardian attorney's recommendation really shocked w, possibly a wake up call. I think that night was rock bottom for her. W has seemed to shift her anger towards her now saying how her mind was made up a long time ago, just wanted to drag it out for more money, and how she obviously liked me better, then said but you are a likable person. W told me she is going in to meet with her next week because in her letter she wrote her move was not for a promotion and largely due to OM but w says it was for a promotion, she has also mentioned how unfair it is my family met with her. I just listen and don't say much about it. I hope she doesn't have an ulterior motive but idt she would be telling me all that if she did.

W was a lot better Thursday (the day following my last post) and we spent time together every day until she left yesterday evening. I'm doing lots of listening to see where she is. I've listened to a couple books that have really helped me lately. One about apologizing. I've apologized for some things (things dealing with our disconnection which played a part in her MLC that I can now see in hindsight)before but obviously she didn't hear or accept it. I changed my approach and apologized for a couple things Thursday and I think it stuck. She was fighting back her tears really hard and thanked me. She also has not brought up working while I went to school anymore. Her attitude towards me has seemed to change for the better. When I talk with her it's like I get to talk to the old her again sometimes. I even asked her to see her tattoo again and she said you just want to see it to check me out then showed it to me again. Hmm.. I think this was big as she thought I would disapprove or judge, seeming like a parent and did just the opposite.

She took the kids Friday afternoon and stayed at my house again. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her but I had already planned to have lunch with my dad for his bday. I told her I would love to but already had lunch plans and she said maybe another time then. I asked if she wanted to have dinner with the kids and I that night and she said sure but said she wasn't hungry that evening because they ate late. She hung out for awhile before going to her friends for the night. Things were good through the evening but when she called the kids at bed time she was laughing and immediately changed her tone when I answered so I think my suspicion about her friend not helping the situation is probably right. Her friend doesn't have many friends, is depressed, goes to concerts all over the country and is buying a lot of w's way to go with her. She was happy w was moving back. Sometimes things seem really good and then w hangs with her and we get set back a little, frustrating.

W came back over Saturday and we took the kids to get school supplies. W warmed up pretty quick after she got to my house but made a PA (more aggressive lol) comment about the system being unfair when talking about another subject. She was a little weird for awhile (I had to tell myself to let it slide and set normal) after that but eventually we were talking normal again.

Here's a mlc one though, I'm not exaggerating, while school shopping she wasn't satisfied with any of the #2 pencils. We went through all of them in the store in the school supplies and office supplies. W opened each box, would look at them and complain then put them back. idk what that was about but I was patient and let her do her thing.

She did d's nails and hair before we left to go shopping and I asked her about the polish I bought. She told me to go to a beauty supply shop and what brands were good. After we got school supplies she wanted to go to the store she mentioned. We walked through and she showed me a lot of the different stuff and she had me get a few things. I thanked her for showing me and she was pretty friendly the rest of the afternoon. She took the kids to a bday party later on. She asked if I wanted to go but I told her I had a few things to do and was going to run the dog. She hung out a little after getting back and texted me several times and called before leaving town because she had to get a couple things for her car. We had a few more friendly texts today. Then tonight she texted to tell me she didn't feel good, she's hurting really bad with her medical issue again.

Overall I'd say things have been going pretty well. W seems to be showing way less anger/frustration towards me. We're texting and talking a lot more and joking too; I think it's a good sign we can make each other laugh. She even made a joke in reference to something that happened on our first date. She's been telling me about her apartment situation, how she's found one here but may get sued for her rent at the one she just got (she's planning on renting from the same company here) but won't know until tomorrow. She's been talking to me about her job prospects and an interview she has next week which she is excited about. I'm being very supportive and enthusiastic for her. She also has mentioned a few things about step mil so I know she is talking to her now which is good.

She mentioned needing a new car about 10 times over the last few days (last week she was complaining to me she was going to be living in her car or a shelter). I've noticed she's talked to me about a few things we've talked about before, some not long before bomb drop, including the car she wants. She must not remember.

I'm a little worried about the kids. When we went to get school supplies we had to get a couple gifts for their bday party. The kids both kept going and looking/playing with toys that were way to young for them. They were both also giving w a hard time not listening to her. I've had some trouble to but not like they were to her. I had to get on them (several times, not just at the store) and tell them not to treat their mom like that and that we would not allow it. W and I really did good together with this as she did the same for me too a few times. W said s threw a huge fit at the bday party though and hit/head butted her. Idk if this could be regression related to asd, him upset, a combination or what. He's been getting angry easily lately.

I've been reading through the MLC stages and some old posts the last few nights. It's been a good reminder to be patient and not try to expect anything right now. It's hard when I'm seeing some changes, our first mediation is in a month, and she's about to sign a second apartment lease. I've wanted to ask her if this is really what she wants but I know better. Hopefully it's what I need to be doing, I don't want to chase her back into the tunnel. Staying calm, consistent, caring, and patient. I did offer for the kids and I to take her out to dinner for her birthday next week. She said she wasn't sure, that she might be packing.

Not really getting a life but I did pick up an old hobby this weekend. I made my first batch of gluten free beer, I quit home brewing 6 or so years ago when I quit gluten. Hopefully it turns out good!

Hope everyone had a good weekend and has a good week!!

[AJM]

Mmmm... Beer.
What's the recipe? Old family secret or something you found online?

I think that night was rock bottom for her.

Careful with that thinking. And this one

changed her tone when I answered so I think my suspicion about her friend not helping the situation is probably right

That leads to expectations and that is so NOT what you need right now.

She'll stay in the tunnel as long as it takes. You do NOT want her to come out early. By any stretch.

But what you're doing is spot on. Compassion, kindness, not rising to the challenges. All very good things. Makes you the rock which is important.

Read some of the history again. You'll see some of those that got through ended up becoming friends before they got back into a relationship. You're doing that and it's a good thing.

As for the kids. Yeah, keep an eye on that. A kid needs to see their parents working together so that was also a plus! They'll test - it's what they do. Don't read too much into it, but keep an eye, right?

Keep up the good work and keep journaling. One thing you may notice is that there are ups and downs over time. Right now things are up. That can change quickly, but don't let it throw you. It's a marathon not a sprint. Much like the stock market, it's what the trend looks like over a lot of time vs. the daily volatility.

AJ

[Kyh]

I found this one online, I used to make some good brew but GF brewing is all new to me. I will have to do a little experimenting but I almost have to use extracts to go GF though so that makes it pretty quick and easy. No family recipes but my uncle used to be a brewmaster so I've had a couple good lessons.

Thank you for the reminder about expectations. I've come a long way and don't want to do that to myself.

We've had more friendly texts over the last couple days, she's been keeping me up on her apartment situation and job interview.

I took today off work since the kids start school tomorrow. I was trying to think of something low key to do. There was an old plane that flew over my office yesterday so I looked it up and there were a couple of WW2 era planes, a C130, and a helicopter on display at the airport today. I took the kids and they loved it. Way too much money for a ride but they got to go through an old bomber and a lady with the helicopter let the kids get inside right before they took off. We had a great time.

Their school orientation was tonight. W came over and we all went. She was a cold but I didn't let it affect me. She left right after because she was going to look at an apartment. She wasn't interested when I tried to tell her about the kids' day. She was upset about the teacher s got because she's worried about how he jokes and the old principal told us he didn't know if it would be a good fit. She said she was a little mad about it in the hall. When we got home I told her we need to be positive and we can deal with any problems if they arise. She got a little upset towards me. I'm not too worried, we found out his s is on the spectrum tonight so I think it's good to have someone with firsthand experience.

W was really concerned with looking at the apartment tonight (actually 4 plex) not too far from me and told me about another (studio) she was supposed to look at tomorrow that is down town, down the street from my office. This second one scares me, there is a halfway house nearby. When we bought our house I looked up sex offenders and there were 20 some there! I told her and she had no idea. The rent is the same but the deposit at the second one is less. I told her it would be nice for her to have rooms for the kids and they needed to be safe and I would pay the difference in deposit. She just said she'd figure it out.

She stopped back by after looking at the one tonight and was super short with me. I still didn't let it bother me. She texted after I had the kids to bed and apologized for tonight. She told me she was stressed about money, her apartment, and job interview tomorrow. I told her no worries, I could tell she was stressed and it was understandable. I asked if she wanted some pics of the kids today (I tried to send them earlier but they didn't go through and she could've cared less when I told her) and she thanked me. We had a few friendly texts after that. She is coming over early in the morning to take the kids to school.

After I thought about it tonight, I bet on top of her other concerns right now she was probably embarrassed taking the kids to school. She had told some of the other kids parents about her moving and it didn't work like she planned. D got the teacher s had last year and she told me she was glad to see d, that she was afraid she was going to lose her so w evidently told people at the school too.

Even though I'm journaling about interactions with w I am working on myself every day and enjoying my time with the kids, trying to be the rock my kids, w, and I need.

[Esame]

Kyh thank you for stopping by my thread.

I'm just catching up with your situation, and I wanted to say I'm really happy for you regarding the custody outcome. You must feel so relieved! How are the kids coping? I hope you can all move on from now on.

It sounds like you are doing really well in managing the complaints / conversations. I don't think she is ready for too much honesty yet, but hopefully she will start bring more honest with herself soon.

Take care

[Esame]

*being

[Kyh]

Thanks for stopping by Esame. Yes, it was such a relief. This was the first summer I ever wanted to go quick. The kids are coping well but I can tell everything is affecting them. There are times when they're wanting w's attention and she just can't see it. I pointed it out to her yesterday while it was happening. She's too stressed right now, hopefully when she gets settled it will help. You're sure right about the honesty, she still hasn't looked too far inward about our/her troubles. Maybe a few quick glimpses but she still blames everyone else for her poor decisions. Good thing is tough that I'm getting blamed less.

More journaling..
Yesterday w came over in the morning to bring the kids to their first day of school. I think maybe I was right about her being a little embarrassed about bringing the kids to school because she was uptight at home and on the way but seemed better walking back to my house. A couple more teachers made comments about how glad they were to see the kids and they were afraid they wouldn't be there this year. Then walking back a lady I didn't know stopped and said to w, omg i didn't know you were still here, so good to see you, etc. and about a half block later it happened again with one of s's friend's mom so she was obviously telling people the kids wouldn't be there this year.

W talked more on the way home and was nice. She told me the lady I didn't know worked next to her old office and she separated last year, was in aa, etc and that they hung out sometimes. Then later w brought up how she (w) learned she can't drink like she was in her 20s anymore and only has a drink or two now when she goes out (also making comments about getting old again). Strange, this is the first time she's said anything about it to me or even acknowledged it. I did bring it up (her going out every weekend, not coming home, blacking out - which to my knowledge has stopped but she is smoking again) a couple weeks ago when we were talking as I felt the time was right/truth dart. This was never a problem before the MLC. We talked a bit more then she brought up wanting a new car to me again, this time she mentioned a truck. At my house I told her to let me know how her interview she had scheduled went, good luck, and I'd see her later.

She dropped the kids off at my office after school but was way late picking them up (she went and met with guardian attorney). She asked if I wanted to go eat dinner with them before she left. I asked if she really wanted me to go she said "yes, it's fine." I bought us dinner and we had a nice conversation the whole time. She was asking me about what I thought about the job she was interviewing for, what I thought she should do about her apartment situation (her friend offered for her to live there but the kids would be with me and the lady showing the apartment she looked at really wants her and offered her a better one and to split her deposit up). She was telling me about the job interview/job then was telling me about wanting to take a vacation, etc. Then she brought up a truck again, saying "I bet you surprised I want a truck huh." Then she asked if I wanted the car back when she gets one. It's good to have goals but talk about counting chickens and being all over the place. I am surprised she was asking about what I thought though, and talking through dinner, that's a change.

Now today she's been pretty cold. This morning she texted me she has a follow up interview Monday. She seemed down, she thought she'd get it today. I was encouraging, reminding her that's usually how it works, it was great and she'd get it. Tomorrow is her bday, she mentioned that the elephant wine bottle holder I got her for Christmas was still at step mil's and she was using it because it looks neat and they're trying to sell their house so I got her another one in addition to the kids' gift for her. She won't be back until Sunday though.

S is now sick so we were up half the night and I worked from home today. Looks like I will be tomorrow too. I really hope I don't get sick again, this is getting ridiculous. I guess this is taking a toll on the kids' immune systems as well, but then again with some of the things they do before I can stop them it's no wonder were sick so much, lol. Hopefully we'll be well enough to do something this weekend.